TO FALL FROM GRACE - MATT MURDOCK
One - Killing Time
//A continuation of my Widow!OC lead Daredevil story! Here’s a masterlist to the rest of the series. We’re following DDBA canon this time around. Enjoy!// tags: @fallingfavourites @see-the-divine // next //
Pairing: Matt Murdock x Alivia Yersova
Word Count: 7,802
Summary: It doesn’t count as dying if you don’t stay dead, right? Livia Yersova returns from the Blip to find her friends family is still the same but also very different.
Five years.
When Alivia Yersova took the trip to Wakanda after Nat and Steve convinced her, she wasn’t so sure she’d make it back to Hell’s Kitchen. She knew she could only cheat death so many times. Surely, He would come to collect after nearly taking her after the carousel incident.
So when she collapsed at her cousin’s feet, it was no real surprise to her.
“Tell them.” Was all she managed to say.
It was strange that it didn’t hurt. It was as simple as existing and then not. It took all of maybe two seconds for a higher power to rid the world of her, but those two seconds were a replayed lifetime for Livia.
A lifetime of fighting, bleeding and bruising, screaming and crying. A lifetime of love, laughter, happiness and family.
Foggy Nelson. Karen Page. Frank Castle. Dinah Madani and Amy.
Nat and Yelena.
Marc Spector and Steven Grant.
She even thought of crazy old Ben Poindexter and Billy Russo.
But it all came down to two names. Two faces etched into her memory.
Matt Murdock and June.
For the briefest of time, she wondered how she couldn’t think of June’s last name.
What would happen to her little Junebug? Surely, Matt would take care of her… Right?
Coming back was the strange part.
The terrain seemed the same and everyone around her was just as confused so that made her feel less out of place - if that was possible in a foreign country with no one she knew around her. Glancing down, she saw her suit was still covered in blood, dirt, and alien fluids. Her bodily aches were still there. She recognized the others around her only as people she fought with but Livia couldn’t really name any of them other than the Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes.
Livia quickly realized she couldn’t hear herself think. All she could feel was everyone else. It brought a panic to her bones to think of what that meant. Livia’s built up control, the means of survival she spent years fine tuning, was gone. Her chest was growing painfully tight and she had to unzip her top just to try and breathe.
“Alivia?” Barnes’ voice was muffled, drowning in the sea of panic she was surrounded by. He gently held onto her arm and she flinched away from the sudden contact. “You’re alright.”
“No, I-“ She shook her head, aggravating the spinning sensation. “I can’t breathe. It’s too much. It’s-“
Was she even speaking? Her voice sounded so weak, so small and confused.
She looked over at his expression and found a surprisingly compassionate set of eyes staring at her. She yanked her mask to hang around her neck, ignoring the shakiness in her hands. He was scared, too. He didn’t understand what was happening either, yet he was there trying to comfort Livia. She broke into a small smile and he returned the gesture.
“I’m alright.” Livia forced herself to say. She sure as hell didn’t believe it, but she could lie through her teeth. “Confused but alright… I just need to get home.”
“Come on.” He nodded, offering her a hand. “Let get you home then.”
Livia followed Barnes without hesitation. She looked around in part awe, part confusion. How did everyone come back? She was dead, wasn’t she? Weren’t all of them?
She tried to write it off as the power of the Stones. Maybe they were faulty. Maybe it was a fluke. Maybe the idea of uniting the Stones was a pipe dream, never really possible. That meant she was only gone for a few moments.
As quickly as the thought came, it left. Livia noticed the changes of the shrubbery, what had formerly been bright green was now a faded shade of orange. Flowers were wilting, branches drooping.
Livia and countless others were gone for a good chunk of time.
Livia startled when an orange ring of sparks ignited in front of her. She jumped back, flexed a hand to activate her Bite and reached for a blade with the other. She had one left and she’d sure as hell make it count.
“Good, you’re all here.” The man that stepped through said, surveying the various reappearances.
“What the hell happened?” Livia couldn’t stop the question from tumbling out.
“It’s been five years.” He rushed the explanation. “Now you’re all needed at Aveng-“
Five years. The thought made her head spin again.
“No.” She said firmly as a new determination lit her bones. “I’m going home. Send me home.”
“I’m sorry, but we cannot do that.”
Livia’s fingers found the handle of her knife.
“I wasn’t asking.”
“One person isn’t gonna change what’s gonna happen.” Barnes tried. “She’s done her part.”
“We need everyone.”
“I won’t go.” Livia shook her head.
All she could think was seeing Matt and June again. Reuniting with her friends, being in her own home and her own bed. Getting that stupid suit off. Screaming at Natasha for dragging her out there.
Come to think of it, Livia noticed she hadn’t seen Natasha since she returned. She must not have disappeared when Livia did.
“I don’t think I was really meant to be here.” Livia changed tactics, considering going as far as begging. “Please.”
The man sighed heavily. “Where is home?”
“Hell’s Kitchen in New York.”
“Oh.” He nodded. “I’m sorry.”
Livia’s stomach dropped.
“Did something happen?” She asked in a new panic.
“No.” He turned, swinging his hand in a wide circle for a new ring of sparks. “Just sorry it’s Hell’s Kitchen.”
She made a face to herself then faced Barnes.
“Thanks.” She felt strangely awkward having to thank or directly address the former ghost story. “I owe you.”
“I’d say this makes us even.” He smiled.
Absently, she snuck a hand into her hair for the scar hiding near her ear. It was that failed mission that resulted in the implant… But none of that was directly Barnes’ fault.
Livia smiled slightly and offered a hand to shake.
“You ever come through Hell’s Kitchen, we should talk some more.” Livia offered as Barnes shook her outstretched hand. “Always helps to have a friend that gets it.”
“I’d like that.” He nodded. “Take care, Alivia.”
“Call me Liv.” She slipped her mask back over her eyes and stepped through the portal.
Her feet landed on the New York streets she knew. There was a slight wobble in her step at the sudden appearance but it faded quickly. She looked around, grateful to be in a familiar setting through the chaos.
Livia ducked down the closest alley and sucked in a deep breath. Unfortunately, not even the scent of stagnant garbage water could distract from that tightness in her chest and head.
What was happening to her?
Livia tried her best to shove the thought away. She could figure that out later. Instead, she needed to focus. She needed her bearings so she could get to Matt’s apartment. She couldn’t go to the office because… Well, she didn’t know where it would be or if they even had one. Were they still working out of the deli?
It didn’t matter. Not yet, at least.
Matt’s place first. Everything else could wait.
She balled a hand into a fist, letting her first finger sit up a little higher. She clenched her jaw and shoved the knuckle against her rib. The pain flared almost immediately and that seemed to shove every other emotion out of her head. For a second, she thought she heard them rattling to the ground as she doubled over.
Her entire body faded and was rebuilt, but that damned rib was still the bane of her existence.
It took a few minutes on the nearest rooftop and the help of her mask, but Livia soon had a path. She was moving quickly, with as much agility as her excited state could manage. She scrounged up enough control and focus to exist in a bubble, to block out every other emotion around her and just feel her own. It was still foreign but not as unusual as the other option.
She’d need to work on rebuilding her mental walls soon.
Her feet had landed on Matt’s rooftop when her phone rang. It pinged in her head and the sudden sound made her wince.
Livia had forgotten she had a phone. Hearing the familiar point echo in her skull, she felt a little silly.
“Hello?” She answered quickly.
“Liv?” It was June’s voice, but not the June she remembered. Her voice was mature now, confident. She had grown into who she was supposed to be and Livia had missed it. Tears welled in her eyes when June spoke again. “Is it really you?”
It almost brought Livia to her knees.
“It’s me.” Livia managed. She cleared her throat and took a deep breath before continuing. “Where are you? I’ll come to you.”
She heard a small chaos on the other end of the line. Vaguely, there was another voice there but it was too quiet for her to make out.
“I’m at your apartment… I kinda moved in while you were gone.” She laughed nervously. “I have so much to tell you.”
Livia smiled and her feet moved automatically. “I’m on my way. Who’s with you?”
Silence. The phone was exchanging hands. Livia could hear the small thud of it being pushed into another palm. Hushed encouragement came as well then a sigh, a hesitation, and finally a voice.
“Hey, Livvy.” Matt said softly and she stumbled over her own feet. She would’ve welcomed the crash just to confirm that she was real, that the moment was real. Matt wasn’t sure it was real either. Livia didn’t need her abilities to know that much.
She was struck again by how long it really was. Five years is enough to take hope from even the most optimistic. It made the weight of her disappearance all the more heavy on her shoulders.
“Hi, Matty.” Livia answered with the same tone, a swell in her chest at hearing the voices of her most beloved. If she wasn’t already off balance from the return and the portal home, she was dizzy then.
Her heart was pounding in her chest, blood rushing through her veins, heat flaring throughout her body. So many emotions raged war in her head, abused her via sensations. Her eyes were growing blurry and she couldn’t tell if it was from tears or just a loss of control. She was too overwhelmed to care either.
She trusted her feet and her body to get her where she needed to be. She knew the paths to her apartment like the back of her hand, always aware of how to get home.
One of the many rules of the Red Room that remained etched into her mind.
“God, is this real?” He sighed. His voice served as Livia’s tether to reality and kept her from spiraling into the abyss of emotions nipping at her heels, a dangerously strong riptide threatening to drag her under.
“I really hope so.” She laughed slightly.
She wanted to keep talking but she was at a loss for words. She had so many questions.
What had she missed? How was Karen and Foggy? Was Frank okay? Who else had disappeared? Did anyone explain what had happened?
She had no idea where to start.
“I have so many questions.” She settled on.
“We’ll answer all of them.” He answered. “As soon as you’re here, okay?”
“I’ll see you soon.”
Livia tapped her scar and picked up the pace. Her heart upped gears in her chest, not just from the sprints across rooftops. It was at the prospect of reuniting with her family. She felt a heat on her cheeks just from Matt’s voice.
He would know, she realized as she dropped onto her fire escape. He’d hear her heart, feel the heat of her skin, know her breath was fast and shallow. Livia had no defenses at the moment and maybe, just maybe, she didn’t want them. Maybe it was only right that she be laid bare before Matt in a way she almost never was before. Maybe it would be a relief to both of them or at the very least, remind them they’re both alive.
She pulled her mask to hang around her throat before she shimmied the window up. Her feet barely landed on the floor when a body collided with her. The impact was so sudden she worried she’d fall back through the window.
Livia was hit with a thundering wave of emotions. Disbelief, gratitude, relief, love. So much love. All the colored hazes and sensations mixed into a cacophony of an experience. It all made Livia sway slightly on her feet but the arms around her were like a vice. Hands were balled into the material of her top and the girl hugging her was shaking slightly.
“You’re here.” June mumbled against Livia’s shoulder. “You’re really here.”
Livia hugged her back with the same tightness. “I promised, didn’t I?” She answered, fighting back tears.
“Took you long enough.”
“You’re so grown now.” She laughed sadly.
June laughed and squeezed Livia tighter.
A hand landed on Livia’s shoulder and she looked over. There was Matt.
She was both thrilled and crushed. Both emotions mixed and brought tears to her eyes. She let them freely fall.
It was a relief to see him, to see the soft expression on his face. To have his tentative touch, like he wasn’t sure she was really there. She reached for his shirtfront and pulled him towards her without a word. The three stayed in that tight sandwich of an embrace for God knew how long.
The thing that made Livia’s stomach drop was the sudden understanding.
Neither June nor Matt felt the way she knew.
If there was any way for her to tell that time had passed, it was that.
Livia kept that to herself. She never mentioned it. Not when she was catching up with them, not even when she saw the rest of her friends again.
Foggy and Karen and Frank. All of them the same, all of them completely different people.
She never mentioned it while they worked to help Spiderman.
Livia and Matt were seated with the young vigilante at his aunt’s kitchen table while June lounged on the couch. She was giggling at her phone and typing furiously. Livia had made a face and meant to question it when Matt came back from his phone call with Foggy regarding the case.
“Well, I have some good news, Peter.” Matt announced, which drew her attention away from June. The girl didn’t even look up.
Who was she so interested in? Was the air around her pink or was it just the way the papers on the windows filtered the light?
“I don’t believe any of the charges against you are gonna stick.”
“Wait, seriously?” The boy smiled, sighing in relief. His aunt had a similar reaction and she couldn’t help but smile too. “Mr. and Mrs. Murdock, thank you. That’s amazing.”
“Oh, I’m not-“ Livia tried to argue. Matt decided she wouldn’t get a chance, simply giving her knee a small squeeze under the table.
“However, Mr. Hogan, the feds are actively investigating that missing technology.” Matt nodded.
Peter’s head cocked and his brows furrowed. He didn’t know about the missing tech or at least that the man across the table from him was potentially involved.
“We understand your loyalty to Mr. Stark and his legacy.” Livia began carefully. “My cousin spoke his praises from time to time.”
“Cousin?” Peter asked.
“Natasha.” She answered without looking.
“Cool.”
“If you are involved, I recommend securing a lawyer.” You finished.
“If- If I was involved?” Hogan began and she had to refrain from rolling her eyes.
His guilt was practically pouring out of him as he rambled on. Livia bit the inside of her cheek to keep any expression off and she felt Matt pat her leg under the table. She lightly kicked at his foot in response, a quiet signal that she was fine.
Briefly, she wondered if there were some signs her body was offering that he could pick up on. If he had noticed how vulnerable she was, Matt hadn’t addressed it.
“Regardless, Mr. Hogan.” Livia finally cut off the nonsensical babbling. “You’re going to need a really good lawyer.”
“You may have dodged your legal troubles but things will get much worse.” Matt explained to the younger boy. “There’s still the court of public opinion.”
Peter looked to his aunt and Livia felt Matt shift beside her. She looked over and noticed his head tilt, focusing in on something else. She leaned a little closer, intending to ask, but Matt spoke first.
“Don’t move.” He said lowly.
Livia didn’t, her eyes still on him. She traced the shape of his cheekbones, the line of his jaw, the length of his throat. She didn’t even flinch when the glass of the window broke and Matt’s hand shot out to catch whatever projectile came through. If there was one thing that hadn’t changed, it was Livia’s unwavering trust in Matt Murdock.
Livia could only laugh to herself. Matt flashed her a crooked smile.
“Show off.” She said quietly.
“Well.” He flashed her a full grin. “What can I say?”
After a moment, she looked back to the table and saw Peter had his hand out too, ready to catch the same thing. Based on where they were, it would’ve hit somewhere around the base of Livia’s skull.
“Woah.” June said from the couch. “Nice catch, Matt.”
“How did you do that?” Peter asked carefully. There was something in his voice. Not quite an accusation but a sense of knowing Matt was something more. His expression shifted to confusion and suspicion and Livia tried not to laugh.
“I’m a really good lawyer.” Matt reasoned, handing the brick to the younger boy. Livia elbowed him lightly in the ribs.
“Clearly, this isn’t something you can hide from.” Livia explained, hoping to divert attention away from Matt’s inability to maintain the secret of secret identity. “Popular opinion isn’t something that will change overnight. It may take a long time.”
“So what should he do?” Peter’s aunt, May, asked. Her eyes were full of worry for her nephew. Livia saw something of herself in the woman, a burning need to protect those she felt responsible for.
“Live his life.” June offered. Livia looked over her shoulder and saw June leaning her elbows on the arm of the couch with her knees on the cushion. “He’s still a teenager so he’s got his whole life to make vigilante fuck-ups.”
“June.” Livia warned.
“It’s true!” She defended. “I’d bet every vigilante fucks up, especially young ones.” Livia didn’t miss the way June tugged on her glove. “The point is that he can’t let this break him. So what if people don’t like him? It doesn’t change who he is. Right?”
“She may have a point.” Matt tried.
“Do not start with me.” Livia pointed a finger at him. With a smile, he gently grabbed hold of that finger and pushed her hand down.
The simple touch sent her into a manageable tizzy. His smile grew a bit and Livia knew her body had betrayed her. She reeled in her emotions as best she could, quietly cursed the Blip and its unraveling of her defenses, and returned focus to the conversation at hand.
All of it was doing nothing to counter Peter’s earlier misidentification of ‘Mrs. Murdock’.
“Regardless, it could benefit you to find some allies among local heroes.” Livia suggested.
“He has the Avengers.” May offered.
“Right, but I think people closer to home may be better. There’s a trio in Hell’s Kitchen that might be a good start.”
“Hell’s Kitchen?” June parroted.
“There’s a girl relatively close to his age, calls herself Alter.” Livia continued, ignoring June’s addition. “She hangs around with Daredevil and his friend, Exodus.”
“Friend…” Matt mumbled with a slight nod. He cleared his throat before speaking again. “I think Livia is onto something. It’s not a bad idea.”
“Assuming you’re going to keep your spider persona going that is.”
The boy blew out a long sigh. “I’m not sure right now.”
Livia offered a kind smile. “Do what you think is best, kid. Everyone will have advice for you but ultimately, it’s your decision, okay? And hey, you know where to find us if you need a different perspective.”
The boy met her eyes for a moment and she shot him a wink. His eyes went wide with understanding and his gaze darted between Livia, Matt, and June. He smiled then, as if he was seeing who they moonlit as.
“Thanks.” His smile was so genuine it made Livia’s heart twist. “That means a lot.”
That was the last time she saw the boy without his mask. It wasn’t long until she forgot his name and his face. All she knew was that she had been Spider-man’s lawyer.
At least once a day since then, she looked over the New York skyline and hoped he was doing okay.
She still couldn’t tell Matt what was wrong when she told the office she’d be unavailable for a few days, maybe longer.
“What’s going on?” Foggy asked carefully as he came to join everyone. “Liv?”
“I was trying to tell Matt that I’ve gotta deal with something for my cousin starting tomorrow morning.” Livia explained. “It could be a while.”
“Your cousin?” Karen asked. “For Natasha?”
Livia titled her head side to side. Hearing her late cousin’s name was still a knife in the chest. Processing that kind of grief was a terrifying idea. For the time being, she was avoiding it like the plague.
“Yes and no. Yelena called… She wants my help.”
“Well, what with? I can come, too.” June offered. She had been suspiciously quiet while she sat at Matt’s desk, her feet kicked up on the surface.
“No, she said just me.”
“That’s not fair.”
“Take it up with Yellie, June.” Livia pinched the bridge of her nose. “The point is that I’m just gonna be offline for a week, maybe more.”
“Offline?” Foggy’s brows furrowed. “But you’ll be in town, yeah?”
“Yes, but-“
“Then why can’t I come?” June argued and jumped to her feet.
“Because it’s not up to me!” Livia snapped.
Matt sighed, rubbed a hand along his jaw. Foggy shared a worried glance with Karen. June glared at Livia like she wanted the woman’s hair to catch on fire.
“What aren’t you telling us?” Matt finally spoke. Livia didn’t miss the accusation layered in the question.
Everything.
“Nothing.” Livia answered.
“Liar.” June accused.
“Shut it.”
“Livvy?” Foggy tried. “We know something’s wrong… Talk to us.”
“I don’t want to.” Livia shrugged slightly. “I don’t want to talk about my dead cousin, how I wasn’t here when she died, how she sacrificed her life to bring me and so many others back. I don’t want to talk about losing five years while the rest of you were fine. I don’t want to-“
Her words stopped when she felt a tight grip on her hand. June had quietly made her way over and cut off Matt in getting to her. Livia saw the way Matt stood now, a few steps closer and pulling his hand back. She watched him press his lips into a line and step away, one single step that felt like a mile.
Livia wondered if that was intentional, if June put herself there on purpose. June would never do it maliciously. Livia knew that. Sometimes June was just so zoned in on one thing, she had no spatial awareness.
But there was something off with them. She realized it a few days after her return. They were shorter with each other, not snippy but just reluctant, as if they didn’t know how to talk to each other anymore. Livia had meaning to ask what happened but she also wanted them to tell her of their own accord.
They were hiding something, some sort of fight or argument that was sitting unresolved. It grated on her subconscious, lingering in her thoughts when they were all together, but she had no idea how to ask. Could she just come out and say “What’s going on between you two?” and expect the truth?
Matt was regretful, apologetic even. June was upset, bordering betrayal. Whatever happened was likely Matt’s fault.
Regardless, deep down Livia still yearned for Matt’s comfort.
It would’ve been so nice for him to have gotten to her, to hold her hand with the gentleness only he ever seemed to give her, to just be at her side. She wanted that more than anything. She wanted to go back to what they had before, for things to be normal again.
Maybe that was the new normal. Maybe the want and the yearn was all she’d be able to have where Matt was concerned.
She’d have to learn to accept it.
“Just be careful.” Matt said. Livia noticed something in his voice, not quite concern but something like it. Something that made her skin flush. “You have a habit of getting in over your head.”
Livia couldn’t help but laugh a little. Matt smiled at her response.
She could learn to accept it later… Right?
“When have I ever done that?” She said innocently.
Matt shook his head affectionately and came back over. Livia felt her heart stutter and she forced the emotion down. She tried to lock it in a neat little box but it fought back. She had to settle for the flush on her cheeks when he got to her. June nudged her with her elbow and Livia gently pushed the girl woman away. June giggled but went with it.
Matt gently took Livia’s hand and pushed her sleeve up enough that he could run a thumb over the circular scar of a bullet wound.
“That wasn’t my fault.” Livia reasoned.
“No.” Matt cracked half a smile. “Of course not. Not this one either, right?”
His hand landed on her stomach, fingertips pressing gently into where the scar from Dex’s knife sat.
“No, sir.” She shook her head.
“And these?” Without releasing her hand, he used the other to trail his fingers over the scar on her face, following the shape of her mask.
“Absolutely not.” She spoke, more breathless than she would’ve liked to sound.
It made Matt smile to himself.
“Should we give them some privacy?” Foggy asked, not bothering to whisper.
“Get a room!” June called out while laughing.
“Well hang on.” Karen said. “One of them is bound to do something stupid and ruin it.”
Livia peaked over Matt’s shoulder and saw the three huddled together, smiling as if they were plotting. Livia tried to frown but it didn’t quite work. She broke into giggles almost immediately. Matt didn’t bother to look. His focus stayed on Livia, almost as if she was the only other person in the room. As if he wanted to memorize something about who she was now.
“What do you think?” She faced Matt, who had leaned in a little closer. One hand had stopped to rest at the side of her face, his thumb gently moving against the hinge of her jaw. His other still held on to her hand. “Are they right?”
“It’s usually me.” He confessed. Again, she had to laugh. “I know you have to do this for Yelena.” He spoke quietly.
“That’s not all.” Livia tried to argue in the same quiet tone.
“I just need you to be careful, Livvy. Okay? We just got you back…”
Her heart twisted at the nickname and a new flush climbed her cheeks. She carefully pulled Matt’s hand off her cheek before he could piece anything together.
“I know, Matt.” She nodded, squeezing both his hands slightly. “Yel wouldn’t call if she didn’t think we could handle it. If you don’t trust her, trust me.”
“I do.”
“Good.” She smiled slightly. “I’ll see you in a few days.”
Matt hesitated. He opened his mouth to say something else then decided against it. He pressed his lips together, gave a quick nod, then stepped back. Livia’s friends came up after that and June was focusing a bit too hard. She could feel that familiar sensation of June’s power reaching out, like a ghost of fingertips on her forehead. She always wondered if anyone else ever felt it the way she did. Did they feel Livia’s power?
Livia glanced over, flicked her former shadow’s forehead, then laughed.
June was stunned, eyes wide as she dropped her power. Clearly, no one had thought to do that before. After a few seconds, she laughed about it.
“Take care of them.” Livia told June. “It’s like managing a bunch of toddlers but you’ll be alright.”
“I resent that.” Foggy commented. “I deeply, deeply resent that.”
“Love you, Fog.” She threw her friend a wink.
“Love you too, Liv.” He shook his head fondly before firmly pointing a finger at her. “But you’ve gotta come back in one piece. Nothing more than bruises or else I’m kicking your ass myself.”
“Oof.” June sucked a breath between her teeth. “He sounds serious, Liv.”
“I know.” Livia nodded.
“Okay, guys.” Karen said with a small laugh. “Foggy just worries. He’s a very concerned citizen.”
“Exactly!” Foggy announced, throwing his arms wide. “I’m gonna have to invest in backpack leashes for the both of you.”
“At least we’ll match.” Livia said to June.
Matt chuckled and June elbowed him in the ribs.
“I actually meant you two.” Foggy pointed to you and Matt.
June grinned in triumph and Matt scoffed in offense. Livia hid her laugh behind her hand.
It was as close to normal as she had gotten since her return. With everything in her, she wanted to stay in that moment, when everyone felt that the people she knew. People she’d lay down her life for. She still would, but that didn’t mean things weren’t different.
Generally, she felt like an outsider amongst her friends. It was like she showed up to a party late and everyone was well into conversations. She was on the outskirts. Usually, it wouldn’t bother her, but not with these people. Not with her people.
She still couldn’t tell them when she returned from Yelena’s mission. That was a flurry of emotion in its own right. Facing the grief of losing Natasha, the anger at Clint Barton for not doing more, the yearning to take her place, the regret of not being there, the frustration of Fisk lingering in her peripherals. She wanted to scream but she didn’t. She maintained her facade throughout, if only for Yelena’s sake, and screamed inside her head.
She forced those shaky walls to hold, to keep emotion away. She had to be strong for her little cousin, even if it was only a two year difference. At least since they both blipped, she didn’t have to lose that too. Seeing Yelena in that type of pain hurt Livia more than almost anything.
It didn’t feel right to leave Yelena after that. Her little cousin insisted that she was okay, that she just needed to be alone for a while. Livia, as stubborn as she was, knew better than to press her lethal family. Instead, she took Yelena’s phone and changed her lock screen to a photo of the two of them.
She held her cousin’s face in her hands.
“I want to take this pain away from you.” Livia said softly, her own eyes brimming with tears. Yelena’s expression was a mirror of her own and it made her heart hurt even more. “I so badly want to fix this.”
“Please.” Yelena’s voice broke.
“A friend of mine once said if we don’t feel this pain, we’ll never learn how to live through it.” She sniffled, repeating Matt’s words from so long ago. “You’re stronger than you know, Cousin. I can feel it… I love you, Yelena. I love you so much.”
“I miss her.” She whispered.
“I do too. But I’m only a phone call away. If you need anything, I promise I will come running.” Livia promised, hugging her cousin so tightly her own rib shifted beneath her skin. Thanks to a well-placed swing of Clint Barton’s bow, her bone was likely broken yet again. Livia was too wrapped up in emotion to care.
She still didn’t tell anyone anything when Matt was slated to go to California.
“Just send June.” Livia shrugged when Foggy offered. She wasn’t looking at him, focusing on some papers on her own desk. “I’m fairly sure I’m on the TSA’s no fly list by now.” She tried to joke.
“You don’t like California?” Foggy asked instead.
“Never been, but it makes more sense for June. She’s his disability assistant sometimes, remember? And I think they’ve got something they need to work out.”
“Okay, sure, but I’m asking you to go.”
Livia didn’t miss the way Foggy purposefully changed the subject. It made her wonder what he knew about it.
“And I’m saying no.” She looked over at her friend working at his desk, though his work was seemingly abandoned. “What difference does it make?”
“Fine.” He dramatically sighed in defeat. “I didn’t wanna have to pull this card.”
Livia raised her brows in question. “Oh, it’s serious now. Hit me.”
“The guy Matt’s gonna defend, Luke Jacobson, he makes super suits. In addition to the firm’s fee-“
“We needed a case to pay the bills I take it.”
“Hundred percent. Anyways, he’s offered to make something for all of you guys.”
“All?”
“Daredevil, Exodus, and Alter.”
“You made a deal for new suits for everyone? Even June?” She raised an eyebrow in disbelief. “That’s interesting considering you’re always the one saying that it’s irresponsible to let June come and the three of us together is too risky for our identities.”
“I wasn’t going to!” He defended. “Dealing with you two is stressful enough but I knew she’d know and then she’d be mad at me for not getting her something. I wasn’t gonna deal with her icing me out for a month!”
“At least.” She nodded. “June’s so petty for someone so small.”
“Exactly!”
“You should’ve seen how bad she hated Billy Russo. The guy called her an ankle biter once and she never forgave him.”
“Can you blame her? That’s offensive.”
“Eh.” Livia shrugged. “I’m pretty sure June threatened to castrate him if he said it again.”
“Jeez…”
“Yeah, takes after her Uncle Frank I guess.”
“Oh yeah. Frank’s to blame for that.” He rolled his eyes.
Livia nodded innocently. “I’d never threaten a man with that. I’d just do it.”
“Okay, can we-“ He gestured vaguely. “Can we get back to the topic of LA? The suits were supposed to be a surprise, by the way. Thank you for that.”
“You chose to tell me!” Livia defended. “Still, I don’t know. I don’t think I can be alone with him like that.”
His head cocked and he pushed his chair all the way across the office to be beside her. She looked on with wide eyes and a laugh as he scooted closer.
“What did he do this time?” Foggy asked when he got to her side.
She smiled slightly. “He didn’t do anything.” She said honestly. “It’s just… me.”
“Oh… Well, what did you do this time?”
“I just need to work through some stuff.” Livia shrugged it off. She couldn’t bring herself to unload everything onto Foggy. Even though he had shown on more than one occasion that he’d support her through anything, it still felt too heavy a burden to put on him. “Maybe sending him across the country will be good for us.”
“So there’s still an ‘us’ with you guys, huh?” He joked, wiggling his eyebrows at her.
“Matthew and I are very complicated people, Franklin. Our situation is very fluid. It changes almost everyday.” She confessed. “But it’ll work out as it needs to. Fate and the universe and all that.”
“Hey.” He said softly, a gentle seriousness in his words. He took her hand and she made no move to refuse the touch. “You know he still loves you, right?”
“I know.” She nodded, even if she wasn’t quite sure in what way. “But you can’t tell me things aren’t different.”
“What do you mean?”
“C’mon, Foggy. Five years is a long time, especially when someone’s supposed to be dead.”
“Yeah but you were in and out for a few years back in college.” He shrugged.
“But I wasn’t dead.”
“You weren’t really dead this time either.”
“You’re not listening.” She pulled her hand away. “It’s fine, just… Just send June with Matt. I’ll cover his cases here while he’s gone.”
“Livia, I didn’t mean to-“
“I don’t want to talk about it anymore, Foggy. Drop it.” She said with a gentle firmness as she turned back to papers. She hesitated, sighed, and spoke once more. “Please.”
“Yeah, okay…” He patted her back. “You know we’re all here for you, right? No matter what’s bothering you, we’re here. None of us are going anywhere.”
“I know.” She didn’t look up. She wasn’t even sure she believed it. “Thanks, Fog.”
“I’m serious, Livvy. You’re not alone.”
“Yeah…”
Wasn’t she?
He shuffled his chair a few feet away before spinning towards Livia once more.
“What if I told you you’d be arguing against Jennifer Walters?” Foggy tried.
“I’d say ‘who the hell cares?’ because I don’t know who that is.” Livia answered easily.
“I would then tell you she's a UCLA graduate.”
“Not impressed.”
“And if I said she’s She-Hulk?”
“I’d answer that with the fact that a bigger head doesn’t automatically make you smarter or better competition. The answer’s still no.”
“Worth a shot.” He shrugged.
Livia’s mind soon drifted back to the thought of not being alone.
To anyone else, her life seemed so full. A steady job at a locally successful law firm, a tight knit group of friends, allies across the globe, experience in various fields, a prodigé that’s become more like family. She was charming, smart, strong. She was kind and honest. All the best qualities a person could be.
But if anyone were to actually be inside of Alivia Yersova’s head, they’d find more comfort in a jail cell.
She felt hollow, like anything that could matter to her was scooped out or just wasn’t returned after the Blip.
She had unique abilities of pathokinesis, the power to manipulate the emotions, yet she couldn’t even register or control her own. The walls she had worked tirelessly at for years under Dreykov’s tutelage had shifted. Instead of protecting her from her own emotions and the feelings of others, it was as if she was trapped with them. She couldn’t keep her own feelings in check or away. She was supposed to blend, to remain a blank, unreadable slate to the outside world.
That was her armor.
No matter what she was going through, no matter who was beating her or taking from her or breaking her, the outside world saw nothing but composure. Nothing but control, nothing but power.
Yet, since she came back from the Blip, she had little control. She fell victim to the blushes and tears and panic. She could barely keep herself composed around Matt, someone who would flirt with a stop sign if he thought it’d make a difference. She had listened to the man talk his way out of problems and into beds since they were in college, and now one stupid smile had her cheeks rosy and her stomach in knots.
Livia hadn’t felt that disadvantaged with her powers since she was a child. It made her feel normal, like she was just a woman in love with the one idiot in New York every woman swooned for. She hated that feeling.
And her friends… Her friends would never understand. They wouldn’t see anything wrong with feeling, with being happy or sad or angry. They wouldn’t understand that it wasn’t about the feelings. Just because she controlled them didn’t mean she didn’t have them. Livia knew what it felt like to love, to fear, to loathe, to despair. She knew what every possible emotion felt like. She’d always known, but she had grown so accustomed to them being at her will. Not the other way around.
At least with June out of the apartment for a bit, Livia was able to sit within herself. She found that her walls weren’t necessarily gone but there were cracks, some deep and fissuring while others were spiderwebs. Enough were threatening to widen every day. She spent almost the entirety of each day when she wasn’t at the office mending the cracks, hoping to stabilize enough to not worry about a full on collapse.
It wasn’t done by the time June and Matt came back, but it was progress.
When June got back from California, she made her annoyance very well known.
“Why would you do that?” June slammed the apartment door shut behind her.
Livia sighed to herself, paused her movie, and turned towards the younger woman storming into their shared living space. June made a point to throw down her bags and stand with hands on her hips and an expectant expression on her face. Livia swallowed the remark of how much she looked like Matt in that instance.
“Welcome home.” Livia said instead. “How was LA?”
“Don’t ’welcome home’ me!” June mocked. “Why would you do that?!”
“Do what?”
“Why make me go with him!”
“I’m sorry.” Livia innocently furrowed her brows. “Are you two going through something?”
June opened her mouth, hesitated, then closed it. She stared at Livia intently, that ghost of a sensation coming again. June was trying to subtly find out what Livia knew or what she suspected.
“Don’t go in my head, Bug.” Livia warned carefully.
“Sorry.” June muttered and the feeling instantly vanished. June crossed her arms if only to hide her hands. “Matt and I are just fine...”
“Then what are you mad about?” Livia prodded, knowing June was lying. “I thought you’d enjoy the sunshine and maybe find a cute boy, experience life outside the Kitchen.”
June’s cheeks immediately flushed bright pink. Livia suddenly had a new topic to fixate on.
“Unless you already have a cute boy?” Livia raised her brows with a teasing smirk. “Is that who you’re always texting?”
“I may be talking to someone, yes.” June said carefully but with a proud lift of her head. “He’s very cute, very sweet… I like him. I think? Maybe? I don’t know. It’s new.”
“Who is he?”
“No one you’d know.”
“That’s how we’re gonna do this?” Livia laughed slightly. “I’ve told you about every guy and you’re gonna hide your first crush?”
“I’m not hiding him!” June defended. “I just-“
“Don’t want to tell me.”
“Don’t know if it’s anything.”
“I can see the pink all around you.” Livia gestured. “Your eyes are basically little hearts.”
“Oh god.” June rolled her eyes. She came over and plopped beside Livia with a huff. “I’m scared he’ll be like Russo.”
Livia shifted to face June, a gentle hand on her leg.
“Why do you think that?”
June shrugged a shoulder. “He’s charming and pretty… What if there’s something demented about him?”
“Seems a bit harsh, don’t you think?” Livia tried.
“Or if we end up like you and Matt…”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You guys are always falling over each other then at each other’s throats then crying your eyes out then screaming at each other. You’re in love with each other on Sunday and by Wednesday you’ve broken the other’s heart…”
Livia frowned at the observation. She knew her and Matt had no real stability but she hadn’t considered how obvious it could be for everyone else.
“I’m sorry.” Livia managed. “I know I haven’t given you the best examples of love and relationships.”
“No kidding.”
“But it’s a learning curve.” Livia continued. “Some parts of it you have to learn on your own. It’s scary and vulnerable to give so much of yourself to another person, not knowing what secrets they might hide. I had to learn that lesson the hard way… But I can promise you, if your guy was anything like Billy Russo, you’d know. If anyone would know, it’d be you.”
“I really try not to use that on him.” June fiddled with a seam of her glove. “It feels wrong.”
“I thought the same of mine at first, too.” Livia agreed. “Now I’m not saying to do a full deep dive for all of his deepest darkest secrets, if he has any. What I'm saying is that a little focus on what he’s already offering up to you isn’t all that bad.”
“Do you do that with Matt?”
“Matt wears his heart on his sleeve a good portion of the time. It doesn’t take mindwork to know what he’s feeling.”
“Can you tell?” June asked carefully. “When I’m trying to use it on you.”
“Sort of.” Livia nodded. “I’m guessing it has to do with my own stuff because I’ve never known Matt or anyone else to really acknowledge when I’m using mine on them unless it’s a drastic shift. It just feels like a really light, really faint touch.”
“What if I try it and he can tell and he freaks out?” June quietly panicked.
“You could try telling him. Lay all of this out for him and see what he says.”
“That doesn’t sound any better.”
“Yes, but it’s honest.”
“It’s terrifying.”
“That’s love, my dear.” Livia patted June’s leg. “Love is embarrassing and messy and fun and terrifying, but if it’s the right person, it’s the best feeling in the world.”
“But how do I know he’s the right person?”
“You just do.” Livia shrugged, immediately thinking of Matt.
She remembered when he implied she was the right person for him. With a pang in her chest, she wondered if he still thought that after five years.
When tensions seemed to have leveled, Foggy managed to wrangle everyone up at Josie’s. The night seemed to be a step towards normalcy and Livia was almost convinced things would work out.
June was laughing. Matt was poking fun at Foggy, who was across the bar flirting with Kirsten McDuffie. Karen was smiling and joining in. Livia sipped her drink with a small smile, hoping that it was the first real step towards finding her way back to her friends.
It wasn’t long until her hope turned to pain.