Kaer Morhen shenanigans (but mostly Lambert’s) part 7
Here is: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10 and Daily Lambert
also Keira & Lambert’s love story, Aiden & Lambert’s love story and… this.
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Lambert: Tomorrow’s garbage day.
Geralt: I can’t believe they made a whole day dedicated to you.
***
Eskel: I’m going to need everyone to be straight with each other from now on. No more games.
Lambert: I’m always straight.
Berengar: That’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told.
***
Vesemir: You know children -
Vesemir: they’re like animals.
Vesemir: You can say “please” and “thank you” and those brats will never repeat it.
Vesemir: But if you say “ass faced motherfucker” ONCE...
***
Geralt: *looking at himself in a mirror* Why is every single strand of my hair braided?!
Eskel: Well...
Geralt: ?
Eskel: You know... you fell asleep before Lambert did.
Berengar: You should be glad he didn't shave your head.
***
Lambert: You know, it’s at times like this that I wish I’d listened to what Vesemir told me.
Eskel: Why, what did he tell you?
Lambert: I don’t know, I didn’t listen.
***
Berengar: So you’re telling me if I do this we either defeat monster or we die?
Eskel: ...Yes, but I hope you will trust that-
Berengar: *already grabbing his sword* Well, why didn’t you tell me it was a win-win situation? Let’s go.
***
Guard: Put the sword down!
Lambert: I can’t, this is my emotional support murder weapon.
***
Lambert: I sort of did something and I need your advice, but I don't want any judgement or criticism.
Berengar: And you came to me?
***
Berengar: It's a bird!
Berengar: It's a forktail!
Berengar: No, wait.
Berengar: It's just that flying fuck I don't give.
***
Vesemir: Lambert, what are you doing tomorrow?
Lambert: Having my day ruined with whatever you're about to ask me to do.
***
Eskel: I wanted to take a loan in Cianfanelli bank but I didn't get one, because I don't have birth certificate. Guys, we're socially excluded because we don't have a birth certificates.
Geralt: Eskel, birth certificate is one of the last reasons why we are socially excluded.
Lambert: Birth certificates are just receipts for human beings.
Berengar: How and where can I return myself?
Lambert: You can’t. You are no longer a human being and you don’t have a receipt. Ok, I didn’t want to do this, but I know one way we can get the money.
Berengar: You’d make a decent prostitute.
Lambert: I’d make an amazing prostitute, but I was actually talking about this guy I know.
***
Vesemir: See that ball of fire in the sky? That’s the sun. It goes by many names: Apollo’s lantern, day moon, old blazy. The important thing is, never stay in the sun for too long.
Berengar: Old man, we know what the sun is.
Vesemir: Yes, now you do.
Lambert: Vesemir, before you say anything else …
Vesemir:
Lambert :
Vesemir :
Lambert :
Vesemir : *raises eyebrows*
Lambert : That’s it. We just don't want you to say anything.
***
Beremgar: Since it is impossible to tell which part of my life is the middle...
Berengar: I have decided to have an ongoing crisis.
Lambert: I'd like to offer moral support, but I have questionable morals.
***
Geralt: I don't understand why people like sleeping so much.
Berengar: It's a free trial of death.
***
Geralt: Berengar, wake up!
Berengar: I’m not sleeping, I’m dead. Leave flowers and get out.
***
Lambert: Hey, can you do a weird favour for me without asking difficult questions?
Geralt: Is that not the bedrock upon which our friendship is founded?
***
Vesemir: 99% of the time when random crap happens, you’re somehow involved!
Lambert: Ya, can’t you have a little faith in that last 1%?
*later*
Vesemir: Wait, you are involved in this?!
Lambert: You’ve known me for far too long to be as surprised by this news as you are.
Vesemir: And what about 1%?
Lambert: Vesemir, please. It's ONLY 1%!
Vesemir: But did you have to stab him?!
Lambert: You weren’t there. You didn’t hear what he said to me.
Vesemir: And what did he say?
Lambert: “What are you going to do? Stab me?”
Berengar: That’s fair
***
Vesemir: Can you keep it straight Lambert?
Lambert: I can't keep myself straight, what makes you think I can keep a sword straight?
***
Lambert: All of you better duck, because I am about to turn left and I don't want to smack you with my dick
***
Berengar: It’s actually not uncommon to hear random explosions coming from the castle. That happens all the time.
Aiden: But what if it’s followed by screaming?
Berengar: That’s normal. And generally a good sign. Now, if it’s laughter-
*Explosion from upstairs, followed by muffled laughter*
Brengar: -then Lambert’s head has probably stuck in some hole again.
Aiden: Again.
Berengar: If you’ll excuse me, I have to go there and mock him.
*meanwhile the rest of the witchers upstairs*
Eskel: Lambert, are you ok in there?
Lambert, with his head stuck in a hole: Eat a dick!
Geralt: Ok, yeah, he’s fine.
Vesemir, entering the room : What the hell is going on here?! Did you all hit your heads on each other’s heads?!
Eskel: Um no, but we have one head in the hole.
***
Lambert: I need a pencil, and a stegosaurus!
Eskel: You mean a thesaurus?
Lambert: Whatever!
***
Vesemir: Eskel is being tested for the gifted program at this school and my other sons… thinks their toothbrushes are haunted.
***
Berengar, writing in his diary: day 1 395. I’m stuck in what appears to be the witcher school, surrounded by bipedal creatures, with many types of mutations. After years of thorough observation, I have concluded…
Geralt: Yeeted
Lambert: Yote
Geralt: Yeeted
Lambert: Vesemir, tell Geralt it’s yote
Vesemir: I just want to know which one of you threw Eskel and his goat out of the third story window!
Berengar: …there is no intelligent life here.
***
Eskel: Where's Lambert?
Geralt: Probably off somewhere disappointing Vesemir.
*later*
Lambert, coming home two hours past curfew: Geralt? Eskel? I’m home.
Vesemir, sitting in the dark: Hi, home, I’m DISAPPOINTED.
***
Lambert: Ah, having your annual “Everyone Thinks Lambert Is A Lunatic” meeting?
Geralt: It’s biannual, and no, not that meeting.
***
Vesemir: Ever since you came to Kaer Morhen, I've done the best I could to raise you.
Vesemir: Have I been perfect? No!
Vesemir: Do I know anything about raising young boys? No!
Vesemir: Should I have picked up a book on parenting troubled kids? Probably!
Vesemir: ...Where was I going with this? I had a point.
Lambert:
Lambert: Cool story bro. No one cares.
***
Vesemir, proud: LOOK! It’s the good keep!
Lambert: This is Kaer Morhen, how good could it possibly be.
Vesemir: …
***
If you douse me again, and I’m not on fire, I’m donating your charred corpse to medical academy in Oxenfurt.
- Geralt, to Lambert, while first figuring out Igni
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