#witcher nonsense

[vagrantblvrd]

The one Geraskifer fic where everyone’s at Kaer Morhen for the winter (and possibly foreseeable future because reasons) where Ciri wheedles/insists Jaskier trains with her.

Cue training montage with Ciri and Jaskier training - Ciri being >:( because she wants to be a better fighter and so on and it’s srs bzns. Jaskier a bit less >:( and more ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ about things.

Like, yes, it is indeed serious business and he fully intends to learn so he won’t be a liability and all? But he also doesn’t want Ciri obsessing and such, so he plays things up a bit, does what he can and so on.

Which means he ends up getting knocked on his ass more times than strictly necessary, but he swears he sees a hint of a smile on Ciri’s face a time or two in the process, so it’s well worth it.

(Besides, he really is learning, and it’s nice whenever he gets a “not bad” or “I’ve seen worse” from one of the others when he gets something right, so there’s that too.)

During one of the training sessions Yennefer takes a seat near the training yards, for a bit of fresh air or whatever reason, and watches thing.

(Feels this bit of pride in Ciri improving more and more, and this little amused smile she doesn’t bother to hide when Jaskier gets knocked on his ass again - this time by Ciri who’s carefully not laughing at him, because it’d be rude and all. Really.)

At some point Geralt joined her, just in from a hunting expedition or whatever, but he’s skulking about in a shadowy alcove or whatever.

There’s a break in training for Jaskier who trudges over to Yennefer and pulls up a patch of ground by her feet, not quite touching her.

All sweaty and gross and the kind of tired that comes with a good workout and general feeling of accomplishment, which is lovely and all, but still sweaty and gross.

Which Yennefer comments on because this is what the two of them do, isn’t it? Snark and banter and tease, and Jaskier sighs, glances at her with an obnoxiously over the top look full of heartache and longing and such.

“They’re teaching me to kill,” he says softly enough she has to lean to hear him. She knows better, but he’s frustrating like that, makes her do things like this. “But who will teach me to love?”

Which is how Jaskier gets knocked on his ass one last time that day, Jaskier grinning up at her and laughing while she tries to hold the >:(((((((((((((( on her face and someone - “your bard is a nuisance, Geralt!” - chuckles from the shadows, and anyway, yes.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[bounce-a-coin-off-your-witcher]

made some more since people seemed to like these

[magic-multicolored-miracle]

If I thought the love of my life was dead and the child I had magically bound my soul to wanted to know who she was, I would simply tell her.

RIP to Geralt of Rivia, but I'm different.

[vagrantblvrd]

Geraskefer fic where Jaskier and Yennefer have to rescue Geralt from wherever and use a variation on the get help scene from Thor: Ragnarok that they perfected somewhere along the line of various spy-related shenanigans?

But then Geralt gets in trouble and they’re like, *SIGH* because can’t just leave the idiot there, so.

Geralt in his cell awaiting his ~dire fate or what have you, and in walks Yennefer and Jaskier with this ploy of theirs and he’s just staring at the two of them because wtaf???

(It’s even more confusing afterwards when they make camp somewhere for the night and Jaskier and Yennefer are bickering over the whole thing - Jaskier’s not a fan, Yennefer thinks it’s hilarious and Geralt is just so, so confused? Especially when the kissing starts because last he knew they didn’t even like one another, and -

“What do you mean you’re married???”)

And then, idk, more shenanigans until they put Geralt out of his misery and he, too, gets smooches.

And also has to take part in the “get help” ploy himself a time or two because the three of them cannot stay out of trouble and Jaskier’s like “Okay, yes, I can see how that’s hilarious” when it’s Yennefer and Geralt to the rescue and he watches Yenn fling Geralt at some poor guards with this >:DDDDDDDDDDD look on her face and a >:(((((((((((((((((( on Geralt’s and anyway, it’s a great ploy, hasn’t let them down yet, so.

[vagrantblvrd]

The one where Eskel thinks Lil Bleater is a normal goat, right? All tiny and cute and horrible little menace who absolutely owns his heart. Sweetest little face and cheerful little bleat and the most adorable thing anyone’s ever seen.

But in reality she’s an eldritch horror or something immensely powerful and unknowable that somehow ended up in the form of said tiny, adorable menace of a goat?

He’s the only one who doesn’t realize this fact, even when she’s saved his life on hunts in the past.

“...what do you mean he doesn’t know?”

And that’s Jaskier, who just assumed Eskel’s known Lil Bleater is the mortal form of some horror from beyond time and space or whatever that’s become fond of her Witcher friend.

Because he’s heard the stories about Lil Bleater from Geralt and the others okay. Eskel himself told Jaskier about this one hunt where Eskel was knocked unconscious and dragged down into some dark, dank lair of whatever he was hunting and when he woke up Lil Bleater was standing on his chest bleating her little head off.

(Also, the mangled remains of whatever caught Eskel off-guard were stomped into the mud and much, bits of bone and torn flesh glinting in the gloom, and surely it must have been a trick of the mind that Lil Bleater’s eyes seemed to glow red, because head injury you know?)

Geralt and the others give Jaskier this pitying look they’ve tried, okay. So many times in so many ways and Eskel just thinks they’re joking? Like ha-ha, good one, right Eskel? :DDDDDDDDDDD

Eskel’s had Lil Bleater for years by the time Jaskier shows up on the scene, decades even, and hasn’t seemed to notice she looks the way she did when he found her.

And Jaskier, okay.

He’s like oh.

Because, okay, because.

Jaskier’s known Geralt for two decades now and no one’s said anything about him not aging either, so.

(Oh, sure, they have plenty to say about Jaskier pining for Geralt like you wouldn’t believe for the longest time, but the whole not aged a day in over twenty years thing? Nothing.)

Anyway, Jaskier decides this can only mean that he and Lil Bleater should become allies, which they do of course to everyone’s regret forever.

Incidentally, the first major Incident to take place after Jaskier and Lil Bleater join forces is about the time Eskel realizes wait, wait, what do you mean Lil Bleater isn’t a normal goat?

Like.

Jaskier and Lil Bleater are utter menaces on their own, but when the two of them work together it’s something to behold and on at least one (1) occasion was mistaken for the end of the world.

(Geralt and Eskel might have would have been more inclined to clear up that little misunderstanding if it hadn’t been for thing with the kidnapping and torture and other heinous acts, and really, the baddies got what was coming to them, so you know.)

Most of the time when they team up Geralt and Eskel are just off to the side drinking and staring off into nothing as something catches fire/explodes to the sounds aggressive lute playing and bleating/various goat noises.

Vesemir’s in his chair reading because he wants no part of this nonsense and Ciri’s totally not holding Lil Bleater in her lap with Jaskier next to her.

Yennefer is either the one pouring drinks or taking notes/offering advice depending on her mood at the time.

Also, almost always, the dulcet tones of Lambert swearing angrily can also be heard because you know he probably did something to provoke them if he hasn’t teamed up with them and then been caught on fire because he still did something to provoke them into it, so yes.)

[vagrantblvrd]

Jaskier’s ~ensemble for season two makes me want that AU where he’s a daring spy who poses as a gentleman thief/bandit leader (thinking Robin Hoodesque) who sometimes poses as a humble traveling bard.

Because reasons.

His spy network/contacts consist of other spies and so on, and then there was that time he almost died and Triss helped him. And then that other time he almost died and Yennefer helped him while insulting his intelligence and lineage among other things.

Also!

Those times he was left for dead by enemies near a known monster nest and that lovely witcher with the adorable little goat saved his life?

And then that time he almost stabbed - and almost stabbed by - the other witcher with the medallion of a cat around his neck?

(Delightful man, he and Jaskier traded tips and such regarding such things as thievery and whatnot. His “traveling companion” was endearingly cranky and grumpy and so easy to rile up.)

And then!

There’s the matter of this other witcher he meets in a little tavern while on a mission. Playing the part of the humble traveling bard and oh, something interesting?

And then various shenanigans in which Jaskier does his spy thing in between Adventures With Geralt?

(The thing in Cintra wasn’t planned, but it worked out for the best in the end, so. Job well done???)

Unfortunately Jaskier didn’t forsee himself falling in love with Geralt - the very idea! - but he he did and his boss is like “Jaskier, no,” and Triss is like “Oh, Jaskier,” and Yennefer glares at him the whole time she’s healing him when Geralt takes him to her during the whold djinn business.

(”Should have left you to die,” she mutters among other things, but she’s a soft touch, really - “Am I?” and also terrifying, so!)

More shenanigans and that damned mountain and anyway, anyway, it’s probably better this way. No distractions from his work and while he’s undoubtedly more efficient at it, his boss worries and so do his contacts (friends), but!

Work to do and Nilfgaard being all suspicious-like, and anyway, anyway.

(He does get little respites here and there, stopping to look in Ciri as a humble traveling bard and she’s really very sweet - a bit terrifying like her grandmother, true, but still very sweet - and anyway, yes.)

More shenanigans and Nilfgaard going from suspicious-like to oh, shit and Jaskier going to get Ciri - forget his job, he’s gone and gotten attached - only to find that she’s mostly saved herself, but still.

The matter of getting her to safety, and really the best place for that is the Kaer Morhen Geralt’s mentioned a time or two.

(And, yes. It’s more the fact she’d be surrounded by witchers, Geralt being one, and he knows they’d never let harm come to her, so. Off they go.)

Shenanigans in the form of adventures and hey, look, it’s Geralt!

Jaskier leaving her in Geralt’s protection because with everything going on at the moment Jaskier has work to do - so much! - and anyway, he’s done his job here.

Geralt being all...Geralt at him, and oh, Jaskier’s such an idiot to be fond over that, isn’t he? - but work to do and Geralt needs to get Ciri to Kaer Morhen and anyway!

Shenanigans and the whatnot until Jakier makes a mistake and ends up in a cell somewhere with all these lovely new mice friends!

(Really, so lovely.)

And while he’s working on his escape plan Geralt goes and rescues him, and it’s a bit annoying because it was a wonderful escape plan, but it is what it is, you know?

More shenanigans with Geralt being all Geralt at him and then there’s all this yelling because feelings (ugh) and suddenly kisses? Not like Jaskier minds, but where did this come from?

Love confessions (with grumpy face because feelings and Jaskier all oh because it’s not one-sided and Geralt is looking all opend and vulnerable and anyway.

Feelings, right?

Anyway, this is nice because of the kissing and the soft little smile all for him and Geralt’s still very Geralt, but Jaskier likes that about him (so much, an embarrassing amount, really) and anyway.

More of the kissing and so on and “Yennefer told me an interesting story” because Yennefer is the worst really, and knows so many embarrassing stories about Jaskier and his spy career and if Geralt could stop laughing at Jaskier that would be great?

But oh, okay, kisses are nice too and anyway, anyway, yes.

Still though, the matter of Eskel, Lambert, and Aiden thinking Jaskier was a gentleman thief/bandit and Geralt thinking he’s an idiot of a bard and Jaskier just like “Yes” because he’s kind of all three, but also spy - Ciri’s the one who guesses it correctly, Triss and Yennefer had unfair advantages in that he told them what he does for a living, and Vesemir is just like *SIGH* because he cannot with any of them.

(Also!

Jaskier and Aiden Conspiring together to everyone’s legitimate concern because the whole gentleman thief/bandit thing (and spy, don’t forget spy) and anyway.

Deeply Worrying, is the thing about that.)

[vagrantblvrd]

Modern Day Geraskier Witcher AU in which Geralt and Jaskier had an “amicable” breakup and are Being Adults About Things but Ciri and the others know they’re being stupid and so things like this happen to Jaskier’s dates.

OR.

Modern Day Geraskefer AU in which Geralt and Yennefer are raising Ciri together and then Geralt meets Jaskier and shenanigns abound?

Ciri taking the view that if Jaskier really wants to date her dad he’s going to need to deal with the family crasy - are witchers still a thing?

Possibly!

Who can say with Ciri making such a memorable first impression while Yennerfer mutters about turning Jaskier into a toad if he bothers her again.

(But then Jaskier is like, of course he’s going to bother her again because she’s beautiful and lovely and they have the best time mocking Geralt and his everything - but in a loving way.

Also he kind of wants to see if she can do it, because how cool would that be?)

Also, Geralt is fond of swords and horses and there’s a small goat prancing about and Jaskier doesn’t know what’s going on at all but it is amazing and wonderful and he needs all these people in his life immediately.

(Even Lambert, who proves to be a bastard who laughs at Jaskier’s misfortues but also threatens to beat up some stranger who was mean to him on public transit and anyway. Aiden is a delight and so on, yes.)

Also, also?

Jaskier is like “You’d have to fatten me up first,” to Ciri upon making the ribs comment as he was until recently a starving college student and so on and therefore he should b safe for a little while longer.

(Until, idk, Lambert is like “I bake!” and someone else is like “I cook!” and Jaskier doesn’t know if they’re feeding him so much because they like him or they plan to eat him later.

When he asks Geralt and Yennerfer they’re like “Could be both with this family, really,” which is not at all reassuring and also does that mean they’d protect him or...????)

[vagrantblvrd]

Geralt gets turned into a horse and Jaskier is like, do not even think about making jokes about riding him, he will know.

Meanwhile Geralt and Roach are even more BFFs 4evar while Jaskier is like pls, pls, I’m trying to get us to Yennefer so she can fix this, stop frolicking in this wide open field with all the flowers and sunshine and so on.

...

Wait, on second thought, please continue to take a moment to enjoy yourself for once while I write a song about it and plot to braid flowers in your mane and anyway, forget I said anything, yes?

Also, also, Yennefer almost, kind of hiding her amusement at Geralt’s latest predicament, but no, no, this is too perfect, she cannot help but laugh. Ciri, too, tries not to let her amusement show, but then horse!Geralt comes up and bumps her shoulder because he knows, okay, he knows, and then the laughing and braiding flowers in his mane while waiting for Yennefer to figure out how to fix things.

(Which makes Jaskier :(((((((((((((((((( because horse!Geralt didn’t let him do braid flowers in his hair and totally chased him around for a bit like he wasn’t laughing a horsey laugh at ~terrorizing the poor bard, and yes, okay, Geralt is all-over a soft touch for Ciri and all, but come on.)