july 3 – me first
constantly feeling scrutinized... constantly feeling watched. judged. sized up. projected onto.
social media was always my escape. my safe space behind the screen. but then when family started to be on there too... it was like i couldn’t escape. i can’t even now.
my family life is complicated. and i’ve attempted to peel myself off in different ways. not liking my name, trying to create a different name to write under or use my mother’s maiden name because at least it was more ‘unique,’ moving across the country, barely talking to anyone from the feelings of my own rejection.
sure, i feel ‘different’ from everyone else, but i’m sure i’m not the only one in my family who feels that way. i’m sure some distant relatives do, it’s just that we don’t talk about it. because we don’t really talk. no one ever modeled for me the importance of that, and i guess not really for any of us... or maybe we’re just not meant to be in other’s lives like that. it’s something i’ve just learned to accept.
there are some people in my family i love so much and feel so close to in spirit, but i risk the alienation of those who could be hurt by my lack of attention to our bonds if i vocalize those too much. but those bonds have mostly been shaky or not very deep, and so my soul is not called to them. we just happen to share blood. and why should i hide my love for some as not to hurt the others? it’s absurd, the censorship i feel just to protect others. that’s not why i’m here. that’s not my purpose. and yet, i fear the consequences of all of this truth.
maybe this is all kind of cryptic. i’m not sure what to say anymore except that i’m 30 and i’m still thinking too much about what everyone thinks, what everyone’s reactions will be to my decisions, my choices, my behaviors, and worst of all... my self-expression and my creativity. i refuse to be a slave to their opinions and for the most part i haven’t but none of my attempts to break free ever feel good enough. nothing i do ever feels good enough. and so i could write a long list of all of the things i’ve never bothered trying, but then i fear i’d drown in regret and sorrow, and so i look forward to the other side and the healing instead... to the days where i will take action upon what i’ve already decided: that enough is enough.
i’m learning that my trauma is more linked to my family than it ever could be to any romantic relationship i’ve had. i’m learning more from my family than anyone that it’s me and my well-being first. this is why the phrase ‘sacred wild exile’ came to me. it’s what i’ve done to move forward.
there is a lot of guilt in this to work through. i feel guilty for not connecting to most of my family, in particular one side of it, i feel guilty for the way relationships have gone... or not. my therapist reminds me that the adults are the ones who are supposed to initiate certain healing... and i am reminded that i am here, trying to pick up the pieces for every adult in my life. trying to figure them out and piece it all together.
but i catch myself... because... more than ever before i realize now that i am also the adult. and i ask to be made aware of any ways that i am perpetuating the patterns that hurt me, harm me, and anger me. it’s a long road and i honor my own bravery for not turning off onto the easy route, because it’s clear i could any time. forget it all. but my mind doesn’t let me forget. my heart remains tied. and i’m here just trying to make sense of it all... forgetting that it’s me first. me first. my heart. my well-being. my health. me. me first.
