#withlovenae

[withlovenae]

6 Years Later...

Have I been M.I.A. or what? Well, life got in the way (as usual) and I lost myself for a bit. I'm okay now and I'm finally ready to talk about it. I thought it might have been better to post a video but once a writer... I will post one later.

Okay, so back to what happened and why I've been avoiding the 'big C' topic. Earlier this year I thought I was making progress with my treatment. I started to make all of these plans to start ticking things off my bucket list and so on. That's when I found it, another lump. Same breast. Same area. Right on my lumpectomy scar. No, no, no... It surely could. not. be. 

I had to do another biopsy and unfortunately, it was positive - stage II. I know it seems irrelevant considering I'm already at stage IV but it meant that my treatment was no longer working and all that imaginary progress I made went up in smoke. Not to mention the amount of pain I was in from other ‘active’ areas.

Needless to say, I took it hard. Very, very hard. I did an okay job keeping it to myself but the depression and anxiety... I just felt like I had enough. I didn't want to do it anymore, didn't want to talk about it or anything. I completely withdrew. I was numb. My soul was officially tired. 

I will elaborate on everything eventually but long story short... I've had to switch my medication twice since then and now I'm on a clinical trial - fingers crossed (I'll do a separate post on all of that). I told very few people because a lot of times I don't want my friends and family to worry. Plus everyone has their own lives, why burden them with mine? 

My options are very limited as far as treatment goes at the moment because I've exhausted a lot of them (hence the trial) but... we know who has the final say. 

I have been so stressed but I'm doing the best that I can or at least I'm trying to. Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t been all bad. There have been good times - like Easter. My new room and others. This is mostly regarding my continuing fight.

I just want to live before my time is up. I want to be successful. I want to travel. I want a family. I want it all... minus bills. Life can keep those.

Nae xo

[withlovenae]

Purpose

Yesterday was a day of all sorts. The morning especially (it's always the mornings for me). If you saw all of my cryptic tweets and statuses, you'll know that I was almost at the end of the “rope” BUT...

I saw my friend graduate. I watched her persevere through all of the hardship life brought her. She stepped up to the plate and hit a home run. Yasss! A proud moment indeed.

There were so many things that happened and could have possibly prevented me from attending the ceremony. Do you know why? There was a message that I needed to hear. When I tell you that God works in mysterious ways... The woman that gave the graduate's address Dr. Bertice Berry (look her up, I promise you won't regret it). Her speech seemed to be talking to my soul. She spoke about purpose. How important it is to walk with purpose because purpose ignores circumstances. If you can overcome your circumstances (which you can), you have the power to be unstoppable.

She also touched on being blessed but more importantly, being a blessing to others. A blessing is never one way, it is two ways.

As she said, ask yourself everyday, "Why me? Here? Now?"

You have a purpose... I have a purpose.

Nae xo

[withlovenae]

Fall from Grace

Before all of these trials and tribulations, I had a lot of "things". I could get (almost) anything I asked for and do as I pleased. I never really had to work hard back then. I didn't have a "silver" spoon per say but I had a spoon nonetheless. In my younger (and foolish) days, I thought success and happiness equated to these "things" that I possessed and that these "things" were what made me great. But since I've been through almost losing it all and watching my family struggle to help me... Trust when I say that I have a different take on that. Don't get me wrong. It's okay to want a better lifestyle. I'm simply saying we have to keep in mind that material things are fleeting. Neither do they make you better than someone else or less susceptible to anything in this life. This entire journey has certainly been a humbling experience. A tough one but an experience that I am entirely grateful for. It's all okay. I have faith that someday my many tears of frustration will turn around and what has been lost, God will restore. So yes, I suppose you could say that I "fell from grace" but I gained so much on my way down. Nae xo

[withlovenae]

Fade to Black

Every year, I stay positive and remain hopeful that things will get better with my health then life knocks me right off my high horse. I'm just wondering if this is ever going to be over? Am I fighting a losing battle? Because I AM TYAD (tired). Lord knows. Lately, I haven't been giving much details as to what exactly has been going on. I'm still not ready to disclose but I just need to vent a bit. Everyone is fighting their own battles and I don't want to burden them with mine. It just wouldn't be fair. Honestly, I just want to see people, especially my people, be happy and enjoying life because it can be so fxcking cruel. I apologize for not being my usual inspirational self but my spark is fading. My desire to achieve any dreams that I once had is fading and no matter how hard I'm trying, I too am fading. Nae xo

[withlovenae]

Life Insurance Woes

Why didn't anyone teach me about life insurance when I was younger? Ugh. Before the trials and tribulations... I'm usually "iffy" about any type of insurance because there is so much fine print but I honestly wish I'd known about life insurance. I personally think it's kind of important to have. Most people don't even consider it (in Cayman) until they're purchasing a house because it's required. The reason I looked into a policy is because I want my family to be financially okay in the event that I do pass on. (Not saying it's any time soon but one day.) It's so important to me because if I'm not able to help them now while I'm here, I want to at least help them afterwards. If you're young and healthy, I advise you to look into life insurance if you can afford it. I know as soon as we hit 17+ we think we're young, wild, free and invincible but life can change in the blink of an eye. After that it'll be damn near impossible. Trust me - they want all my medical history for the last 5 years explained, detailed and documented in addition to my medical records with no guarantee that I'll even be approved. That's funny to me. I might as well go on and write my book so I can leave that for my family. Ha. I swear I'm always in a rock and a hard place when it comes to my health. Road blocks everywhere. That's okay though. I'll find another way. But back to my point... If you're going to inquire, just make sure you have an adult go with you that can help you understand everything! Nae xo

[withlovenae]

All is Well That Ends Well

Before this trip, I was not in the best of moods (see last post) but it was a blessing. First, I connected with an aunt that I haven't seen for years. She was my caregiver for this trip. To my surprise, she's too cool for school. I'm thankful that she was able to come with me. I was hesitant but those reservations were quickly forgotten. Then, I met another breast cancer fighter with the same oncologist at CTCA (hey Tamika), from the Caribbean who's only two years older than I am. We got to talking and ended up having dinner with her. I think we inspired each other in so many different ways. When she looked at me and said, "you make me feel like there's hope," I knew this was still not in vain. Plus my aunt said I'm gonna be rich after I write my book ---claiming it! Hahaa. Okay on to the results... Everything went well. The scan comparisons showed some improvement and my tumor markers came down significantly. That's always a good sign. Can I just add that I have an awesome oncologist? Just saying. Overall I'm grateful. I'm very grateful for this trip. Although it was the same routine as most of the others, it was exhilarating. The people. The atmosphere. The happiness (and I didn't even shop). I needed this. I'm reminded that God has a purpose for me. It may be impossible at times for me to see but I know there is one. Everything that I have gone through, am going through and will go through are stepping stones. I don't doubt my ability to be great. I know I am capable of so many things. I will do my part as I've been told. The rest I leave in His even more capable hands. *turns to a new leaf in book* Nae xo

[withlovenae]

Nonchalance

Off to a doctor's appointment tomorrow for another oncology checkup. I suppose I will see how well the Ibrance is working. I'm usually horrible at taking pills but I've been doing much better in order to give myself and the medication a fair try. At this point, I'm not sure what my expectations are. I'm not sure that I have any. I learned a valuable lesson (that we all already know) about expectations --- they lead to disappointments. So for now, I will continue and just let it be. "You just got to let it be. Let it be, let it be, let it be baby... Don't hurt yourself." Nae xo

[withlovenae]

Proofreading Life

In my job, I proofread a lot. It’s a must in marketing and one rule remains steady… Always get someone else to proof your work. Why? Because believe it or not, you will miss all of your mistakes but someone else can and will easily point them out.

It’s a lot like that with life isn’t it? We can quickly point our fingers to what someone else is doing wrong but fail to see the errors of our own ways. I can’t say for sure why that is but maybe it’s worth digging deeper. Because how can we correct them when we can’t correct ourselves?

No man walking this Earth is perfect. We will never be but instead of proof reading another persons life, let’s try to work on us.

Nae xo