Today, I was hit with the knowledge that my best friend, who I’ve known online for probably about 3-4 years now, has changed, and even though we’re still friends and communicating every day, things can no longer go back to how they used to be; we can’t get as excited about things anymore like we used to, because she’s not interested in what I am as much anymore, and has less time to be even if she wanted to.
People change, and long-lasting friendships change, and I knew logically that this happens, but it’s something I wasn’t prepared for in a million years. I can’t stand change, especially when it comes to this. Knowing that my online friends are the only source of sanity I have, my only real people to talk to, stuck in my house with parents who don’t understand me and no way to go out and make local friends as I am. I want those old days back from 2016-ish. I don’t want to lose them, some of the happiest moments of my life.
My friends grow up and mature, but I don’t think I ever will. I’ll always be lonely, and needy, and desperate for interaction over weeb stuff because of how happy it makes me, how it’s my only true source of escape and joy. Eventually they’ll all leave me behind, and I’ll still be stuck here, still mentally a kid, without a true job or having done any real work like they all are.
Why do I have to be this way, so naive and ignorant and eternally with the mind of a kid? Is that what anybody even wants of a friend, a friend who can’t understand and adjust to what goes on in their life outside of them, who only wants to talk about fiction 24/7? I doubt it. Of course not.
I just know I’m terrified of more change, until I’m all alone again for real.