#wls struggles

[flabulouslyhealthy]

*dusts* Almost 5 months post op now. Fifty pounds down from surgery weight, 70 from start of pre-op diet. The scale hasn't moved in ages, but my shape is changing like crazy. I can't wear my favourite PJ shorts any more, my 'help I'm being squeezed to death' pants are baggy on me and I just bought the next size down- I'm not there yet, but I will be. I was 4x in shirts and pants, now I'm oozing into 2x for pants and my 2x shirts are getting loose. I got my new driver's license and you can actually see the difference, which is exciting. I guess I should say I can see the difference, because everyone else has been commenting for a while about how fantastic I look.

Mental health is kind of at a standstill. The food/liquid/pills thing is still a struggle for me, and it takes 90% of my brain power to deal with that. If I have to go out or do anything major, one of those things is going to suffer. Usually it's pills, but lately it's been fluids and that is so not good. My sister has been leaning on me a lot lately and between that and my mom trying to lean on me I am emotionally drained and just fucking exhausted. I need a break but I'm not going to get one because life doesn't stop. My therapist is on medical leave so I'm not doing that any more right now. There's a walk in counselling clinic I might hit up this week because I'm overwhelmed and my disability was denied and my sister is here and my place is a mess again and just. God, I need a break.

But I can fit my arm in the blood pressure machine at the pharmacy correctly (and my blood pressure is aces, 110/68), so I've got that going for me.

[flabulouslyhealthy]

I am seriously struggling with my fluids these days and I’m not sure why. I’ve been pretty good about it until the last week or so. Maybe I need more variety? I pretty much exclusively drink water with cranberry juice as it goes down pretty easily and doesn’t upset the stomach. I used to be able to do orange juice, but now that seems to be a no go- I need much more juice to be able to keep it down. Switching to hot drinks might also help. I had some milky tea the other day and that went down pretty well. I drank two glasses of milk today and surprisingly that was okay. I think it’s just a matter of reminding myself to drink, so maybe I can set a reminder on my phone.

I’ve also been slacking off on the eating part. Yesterday I didn’t eat until six hours after I woke up. Today it was three hours. Supposed to eat within an hour and a half to two hours of waking. I’ve been relying on freezer meals as well, because I just don’t feel like cooking. I did get some shopping done so I feel more secure about the food situation. I’m broke as fuck and it’s not even halfway through the month, but I’ve got ten cans of tuna in the cupboard, six chicken breasts, three pounds of ground beef, a pound of ground chicken, and six cups of chili in the freezer. Food security is a big thing for me because of how I grew up, so I have to remind myself to calm down and relax, I’ve got food and I’m not going to starve. This is being a bit more of an issue than I anticipated because where before I could go to the food bank, now the food bank doesn’t offer a lot that I can eat.

I am, however, doing better on the medication front. I moved my calcium chews to the desk so I have to stare at the box and that’s making me taken them three times a day, yay! My sister offered to pay for my calcium and I might let her, because it’s fucking expensive.

As of this morning, I’m 50 pounds down from the start of liquid diet. I haven’t landed myself in the hospital yet, so I must be doing okay. Tomorrow: more liquids. Better eating habits.

[flabulouslyhealthy]

Four weeks since surgery!

I still have only lost like two pounds in the last three weeks but I’m just trying not to let it get to me. I can get on the Wii Fit board so I’m calling that a win. I’m focusing on getting my fluids and protein and meds and just letting the chips call where they may.

I found I can drink Boost on its own, which is amazing because I thought the sweetness would be too much but it’s fine. I also just discovered I can handle lemon water. THANK GOD. This means I can ditch at least some of the juice, which is more sugar and calories than I need.

I went and spent an entire (small) paycheque on food yesterday, because I am tired of eating tuna and cheese. I also found that I need to get rid of my tortillas, because while before it wasn’t that big a deal they are actually kind of are now. I can’t eat the whole wheat ones because they’re too heavy, and I had some white ones and then spent all night dreaming about eating frosting. So, uh. Too many carbs. Need to find a bakery that does fresh pita instead. You’d think in a city with such a massive Muslim population I’d be able to find some freaking fresh pita, but noooo.

I found that Walmart has some decent frozen meals with carb counts under 30g that make for a decent ‘I don’t want to cook but I need to eat’. 260g tray of chicken Parmesan is 270 calories, 27g carb, 5g fibre, 6g sugar, and 21g protein. I added more cheese to it for an extra boost and I was full FOREVER. They’re $2, so not a bad deal for the money. I also got some beef soup, mushroom soup for drinking, greek yogurt cups (the peach ones are only 9g sugar which is not bad), ground beef, a roast, and some juice before I figured out the lemon juice thing but I can probably send those off to the niblings. It was an expensive haul, but at least now I have options.

[flabulouslyhealthy]

These random cravings are really weird. This week: Mexican. Taco fillings mostly this week. Tonight I made myself a crappy quesadilla (TWO! holy shit so extravagant! whole wheat tortillas with cheese in the middle), and I don’t even like quesadillas. It’s weird as fuck.

Today has been a Bad Day in terms of protein/fluid/pills. I’ve had a cup of hot cocoa, the quesadilla, and about half cup of tea. No pills at all. I’m bloaty and uncomfortable and really feel  like I need to burp but no amount of burping is helping. I’m thirsty as fuck but the mere thought of putting something into my body makes me want to yark. I’m nauseated and just feel bleh. I slept like shit, woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t get back to sleep until the wee hours this morning. Slept like shit all morning and didn’t get out of bed until 2. Just a nasty kind of blech day.

I don’t want to eat. I’ve decided it’s definitely worse to not want to eat and have to, than want to eat and not be able to. But I have to get the protein in, I have to drink, I have to take the pills. Today I’m doing a little rebellion and saying fuck it. Tomorrow I’ll do the protein and the drinking and the pills. Today I’m going to drink if I want to and eat if I have to and I’m not taking any of the pills because protein and drink are more important anyway.

[flabulouslyhealthy]

Three weeks since surgery! I am home at last, thank God. Doing fairly well though still struggling with fluids and protein- mostly, I need a scale to make sure I’m getting what I think I’m getting, and when The Great Clean happened my measuring cups somehow went missing. I’ll have to ask about that, because I had half-decent ones and I really need them. Hmm.

Cheese is a thing, though. I have some half-fat cheddar that I thought would be okay, and it turns out it is most definitely not. No dumping, but I’m queasy and not feeling so fantastic so I think it’s just too fatty for me. I might try it again in a few days just to make sure, but I think I’ll have to stick to mozzarella which is tragic because I really dislike it. But whatever, better than no cheese at all.

The scale shifted slightly, and I’m sitting at 315- I haven’t seen that number in at least twelve years, so yay! I’m also a mere 5 pounds from my mini-goal of losing 10% of my weight, so yay again!

I’m tired as fuck but I’m not sure if that’s a side effect of just being at home and finally able to relax (since I was getting about two and four hour stints at my sister’s) or if it’s meds or weather or what. But I’m rolling with it for now. I’ll be trying to keep myself busy next week and make myself go out at least three or four times. At least one of those outings will be to get some tomatoes as they’re on sale this week and they’re 5g of carbohydrate each and holy christ do I miss vegetables. I’m looking up keto recipes since that’s more or less what I need to be eating and hopefully will be able to find actual meals I want to eat since I’m really tired of just chili/tuna/plain chicken/ground beef/hard boiled eggs/cheese sticks.

[flabulouslyhealthy]

Post-op day 14 (technically)

Two weeks, and I’m still alive, yay! The scale has not moved in five days. Boo. Trying not to focus on that, because there’s a large part of me that thinks this is just my life now- struggling to get fluids and protein and still being fat as a house. I want to cry when I think about it.

Wounds are healing nicely- two are completely closed with scabs off, so now comes the fun part of massaging the scar tissue to break it up. Tempted to take tylenol beforehand because as I recall from past surgeries it hurts like a bitch. The other three wounds are still working on it- I should be slathering them with ointment to keep them supple and minimize scarring, but I honestly don’t care that much. Meh.

Meds are going well. Mental health is, if not good, still vastly improved now that the Hulk on steroids phase is over. Today my goal was take a shower and shave my legs. Tomorrow the goal is to take a walk. Not sure what I’m going to do on Saturday, but Sunday I’m going back to my place to help my sister get it ready for my return and to pick up Chanukah supplies, then do first night with the kids. Hopefully go home on Monday, and I’ve got a coffee date with a friend that afternoon. Tuesday is a Chanukah party, Wednesday I see my doctor. Friday I can go to work with the excuse that I need my pay stub.

I think keeping busy is going to be the hardest thing. I won’t need to go out every day, but I should most days. It’s not a fantastic time of year for me; the days are dark and getting darker, and Christmas rush means more people everywhere and that’s stressful for me. It’s ironic that the time I most need work to keep me busy, it’s the one thing I can’t do.

Personal best today, though, at least for liquid- 1.8L. I only got that much in because everything I ate was liquid, but hey, I’ll take it. Also took every last one of my meds and supplements, and managed 58g of protein.

[flabulouslyhealthy]

I’m discouraged, and a little frustrated. I need to be more organized, and the purpose of me being here with my sister was for her to help me be more organized. Instead I am floundering because I need help and I’m not getting it and I don’t know how to convey that while socially letting me do my thing is good, food wise I could use some assistance. Today I’ve cobbled together about 50g of protein out of leftover smoothie, beans, hard boiled egg, and cheese. I’d really like to have a meal and I’m worried about my calorie intake because some of the things I eat add up really fast. I’m also worrying about the *amount* I eat, because it seems like a lot. I’d rather focus on small portions with more protein because I’m hungry all the time from lack of filling stuff so I’m eating *more* stuff and that’s exactly what I shouldn’t be doing.

Mood wise I hope things will even out a bit. Shark week arrived at last, three days later than anticipated but at from past data the rage should drop off sharply and maybe even the tears will lessen. It was just a Bad Time for PMS so hopefully with that out of the equation I’ll be able to deal with things better. Like the fact that I’m not losing weight- which I know is normal for the scale to not move, because clearly I’m not taking in anywhere near enough calories to maintain my weight. But it’s still discouraging.

I want to go out and walk or do something.  I’m cooped up with no where to go and nothing to do. I’m depressed and bored and want to be exercising. I might ask for a lift to the bus stop (still too far to walk) and just bus somewhere I can walk around. Or, she said she was going grocery shopping tomorrow, so maybe that’s a thing I can do. I’m hoping to be back home next week, because I’ve got a Wii with a fit board that finally won’t tell me I’m too damn fat, and I can get some exercise done that way.