#wordprose

[fa-sabrun-jamiil]

Dear self:

Should've loved you sooner. Should've loved you deeper. But I'm not too far away to love you now. I promise love is not lost. No more guilt. No more shame. Only love.

- Ivan Nuru

[itsshainy]

Hope

I asked my instagram followers to send me some words I should write about...                  Hope Hope, sometimes it’s the only thing we have people may tell you that you should stop hoping but the thing is, those people already gave up on hope...

- shainy

[fa-sabrun-jamiil]

Hurting someone can be as easy as throwing a stone in the sea. But do you have any idea how deep the stone can go?

[wordstreamer]

It hurts sometimes.  When an eight year old boy's down to weeks to live.  When there's death all around, and there's no happy ending to be found.  The seminary students can preach, "there is a time, there is a place", can speak of their god's love and grace, But where does that put me?  What can I give?  There's no heaven above, no redeeming dove.  "They'll be in a better place"?  Well, there's no pain in dead space.  There's just nothing, a void, an all-consuming terror that no one wants to face.  Your kid is dying, mother's dying; I won't hurt you more.  Say there's nothing out there, your belief is a lie, so when you're dying--that's it, the end is to die?  No reunion in the hereafter, just a few moments to cling to that are never enough and can never heal your soul.  I can't make you feel better; all I have is me.  I've got a hug and the words "I'm sorry".  And I am, I just wish there was more I could do, but--damn.

There's nothing.

Death is the end, and it's hard, and it's lonely, and I would change that if I could.

Which is not to say anything other than to express the sadness and helplessness I feel when I have friends and family who are facing a tremendous loss.  It's unpolished.  I know that.

[wordstreamer]

There's a reason why I don't like to get cards for people--why I wait and say something to them in person.  

A Card is one more thing to open, is one more little thing that you have to go through.  

Now, around Christmas, you may not mind, you know, people like their Christmas cards.  And if you're in the hospital, it's been a long time, and you're sick, or you've got a broken leg or something, something that doesn't prohibit you from thinking normally but does mean that you can't really do anything physically--you have to be there--sure, I can see another card being welcome.  

But in general--with sympathy cards, congratulations cards and everything?  

The store-bought ones always look too pithy; they try too hard, either to be too serious or to be too funny.  Either they go out of their way to make a joke about it, whether or not it should be joked about, or they go out of their way to be flowery, insincere in their regrets.  

None of their words are mine; I'd rather use mine, my own words.  

Well, you could write your own card.  I don't want to write my own card, because on the card, my words also sound insincere.  How many times can you say "I'm sorry"?  How many times can you say "Congratulations"?  

Definitely don't mix those two up.  

But I can only write, "I'm sorry", "My thoughts are with you", "My sympathy to you", and I can only write it so many different ways before it begins to sound redundant, especially in the flood of other things that I'm sure you have received, you who are grieving, you who are hurting, you who are celebrating some enormous achievement.  

So I'd rather wait and say it in person.  In person, I can put some emotion into my voice, even though I don't normally manage to do so.  And in person, I can hug you--I can hold you, I can clasp your hand.  Any gesture that I make on a card will be strictly written, strictly artificial.  A gesture that I make in person may seem forced, but is at least real.  

It's why I don't send cards.  It's why I don't call right away, either.  Adding another burden to someone's list of things that they have to deal with, when they're dealing with an extreme loss or they're dealing with an extreme accomplishment--

It's an expression of sympathy, and I presume they do appreciate that, but at the same time, I'd rather wait and offer it to them on a day when everyone else is not, on a day when they might need it more.

If that makes sense.

[wordstreamer]

There are days when I go so unacknowledged by people--even if I acknowledge them--that I start to wonder if I'm one of those ghosts in those stories that you read about--who died, but they don't know it, so they're going on about their daily lives, and you know, they think there's something wrong with the other people, but really, it's because they're not there, they're a ghost.

And it doesn't bother me, and it hasn't bothered me, and if I say it enough, then it won't bother me.  Is the thing.