it's just like ... i feel so out of orbit lately. like there's a different person in my own body. i am accustomed to the feeling now and i know it means i am probably going thru one of those moments of processing something but it's still weird and sad. i feel like i still can't wrap my head around the fact that people were listening when i was talking about all of the things that mattered to me. i think i used to be very sad that it wasn't the Right People listening, but now i'm not, and i sort of miss that sadness.
i feel like i am in this weird liminal space where i can recognize that something really fucked up happened to me, was happening for a very long time, and that the general response to even half a spoonful of details about it isn't going to be "god, this is so insufferable to have to hear about," it's going to be "are you actually doing okay." but i can't quite reach a place where i know what i need, or how to ask for help about it, and therapy WOULD probably help ground me at least a little but while i'm on my mom's health insurance the concept is still a little bit up in the air.
and this news is....took me a minute to process and come down from the buzzy high of seeing my dad for the first time in a year but i am so numbly tired! at this point i really don't expect my dad or my brother to be there for me when i need someone unless i explicitly ask them to be there, provide an annotated list of reasons why i need them there, and brace myself for some sort of baffling noncommittal answer from my dad where he's like "actually it sounds like you're doing fine on your own and you don't even really need any help about it." like i don't want to ask for help directly and have someone go "well, what do you need?" and then realize that i don't have an itemized list of answers, or i DO have a list of answers that are wrong, or inconvenient, or burdensome.
i just want to know what i need so i can ask for it! i know i need to ask for it and it is my responsibility to ask for it. i have been sooooo semi-present on this blog because for such a long time i would just throw every thought up here with only the vaguest dimmest understanding that people cared to read them. now i am suddenly so acutely aware of how many people in my life would listen if i said something. if i knew what to say, and what would help. and i feel so awful every time i try to talk to someone i love and have known for years, because i know what they would do for me, and i know i have only sometimes sort of taken them up on that, and i don't know what i need, and i don't at all know how to figure it out.
i just keep thinking about all the hands that have been offered to me that i have refused to take because they aren't the specific hand i want or something. and i miss writing on here like i used to, or really just writing at all. i was always acutely aware of a hypothetical audience but i am learning lately that my actual audience is so much more loving and forgiving than i realized, and that is so painful, and i just want to know what to ask for.
i have been soooo heart on my sleeve on this blog so i am throwing this post up as some sort of exercise in....i don't know! i make a lot of posts on this blog and then delete them because i hate the thought of my feelings existing permanently anywhere where people can see them. i say a lot of things very fast so that people won't notice that they're all true. i say a lot of things very fast so that people can't keep track of what i say -- so that i can't keep track of what i say -- and then i trip over my own feet when people do keep track, and remember. in the last handful of months i've gotten more than one gift from people in my life that are meaningful and silly and show that they've been paying attention.
i guess i would just like to ....... put my feelings somewhere in far too many paragraphs and very intentionally. as most of the time i make posts like this and change my mind. one of my dear friends keeps texting me when i do because she has post notifications on for my posts and i delete them too fast for her to read them. i think that is probably a good metaphor for something.
also this is a very long post so if you have read to the end: thank you very much :') i do not really have like a Followership per se but there are a lot of people who have been here for long enough to know at least fractions of the lore -- i dole it out in quickly-deleted pieces -- and i am trying to figure out which feelings i want to share where and this is my very weird way of practicing. so. thanks for keeping me company
