#venting tag

[raphthebirdman]

i know ‘live a lie or watch your daughter die’ is like The line in the song and its so so visceral but i feel like ‘i forced the issue what a waste of time’ is equally as good and Severely underrated

god forbid i remind someone im trans God Forbid i point out that i too am deserving of basic respect Obviously being trans is this thing ive forced upon my family and friends to stress Them out about how They are seen IM the one making a big deal about getting misgendered by quietly pointing it out IM the one making this a ‘problem’ when They are the ones refusing to give me the same Basic Respect they dont hesitate to correct themselves on when its a dog

these people will correct themselves when they misgender a dog but not a human person who actually cares.

(Edit. Its ‘lead a lie’ not live, sorry)

[cherrygummybears]

ohhhh maybe the reason im too afraid to actually take any action over my life even when it would be better for me is because my parents engineered my entire upbringing to be like that on purpose. yeah that would make sense. cool cool cool cool

[mk-somethingiswrongwithm3]

why noelle from deltarune is relatable:

abusive parent

chronically ill parent

low self esteem

her lines in chapter five about how she used to want to leave her current life behind, but not being strong enough to do so...

wants conflicting things

wants to be hurt, but also wants control of her life... (referring to ch5 weird route)

anxious

queer.

[xsoftxhavenx]

fuck it we're drinking and forgetting the world tonight

no one talk to me about how i lost my car insurance or how its gonna snow on tuesday and my illegal car needs new tires on top of it

no one talk to me about real life because I can't odo anything about it right now and if I think about it anymore I'm going to throw up in stress

[rainbowdelicdaisy]

To my Former Friend Group/Discord ""Buddies"" who thought it would be cool to Recreate the BlueSpike Saga by attempting to cast me as your own Personal Chris Chan: Fuck You and I hope that poor 11 year old you dragged into tricking me into thinking was an 18 year old (I had JUST turned 18 a couple months and got out of foster care before yall did this shit) got the everliving fuck away from you evil creatures

The Muppets Would be Ashamed that Y'all are Fictionkin to Them

And for my Former Friend/Mutual from my DeviantArt Days that Decided to Take the Side of These Scumbags after reading their joke of a callout post after FORCING me to show you it in exchange for keeping you as my friend, I hope you feel proud of yourself that you picked the sides of lying wannabe LOLCowers over someone you knew online for almost a decade

After seeing a Certain Tumblr Artist call out their asshole CyberStalkers, I'm fucking done being afraid of you fuckers and hopefully for my mutuals and followers reading this: I hope that you can still stay by my side, especially since I want to free myself from the chains of shame and actually move on from the mistakes I did make when I was 16-19 years old

Even with making many mistakes and errors along the way, I feel like I deserve to actually move on and be able to get better after what happened to me with those people

I'm 25 fucking years old, my teenage self deserves to heal and move from what happened to them, I hope y'all think so too!

[wizardissues]

it's just like ... i feel so out of orbit lately. like there's a different person in my own body. i am accustomed to the feeling now and i know it means i am probably going thru one of those moments of processing something but it's still weird and sad. i feel like i still can't wrap my head around the fact that people were listening when i was talking about all of the things that mattered to me. i think i used to be very sad that it wasn't the Right People listening, but now i'm not, and i sort of miss that sadness.

i feel like i am in this weird liminal space where i can recognize that something really fucked up happened to me, was happening for a very long time, and that the general response to even half a spoonful of details about it isn't going to be "god, this is so insufferable to have to hear about," it's going to be "are you actually doing okay." but i can't quite reach a place where i know what i need, or how to ask for help about it, and therapy WOULD probably help ground me at least a little but while i'm on my mom's health insurance the concept is still a little bit up in the air.

and this news is....took me a minute to process and come down from the buzzy high of seeing my dad for the first time in a year but i am so numbly tired! at this point i really don't expect my dad or my brother to be there for me when i need someone unless i explicitly ask them to be there, provide an annotated list of reasons why i need them there, and brace myself for some sort of baffling noncommittal answer from my dad where he's like "actually it sounds like you're doing fine on your own and you don't even really need any help about it." like i don't want to ask for help directly and have someone go "well, what do you need?" and then realize that i don't have an itemized list of answers, or i DO have a list of answers that are wrong, or inconvenient, or burdensome.

i just want to know what i need so i can ask for it! i know i need to ask for it and it is my responsibility to ask for it. i have been sooooo semi-present on this blog because for such a long time i would just throw every thought up here with only the vaguest dimmest understanding that people cared to read them. now i am suddenly so acutely aware of how many people in my life would listen if i said something. if i knew what to say, and what would help. and i feel so awful every time i try to talk to someone i love and have known for years, because i know what they would do for me, and i know i have only sometimes sort of taken them up on that, and i don't know what i need, and i don't at all know how to figure it out.

i just keep thinking about all the hands that have been offered to me that i have refused to take because they aren't the specific hand i want or something. and i miss writing on here like i used to, or really just writing at all. i was always acutely aware of a hypothetical audience but i am learning lately that my actual audience is so much more loving and forgiving than i realized, and that is so painful, and i just want to know what to ask for.

i have been soooo heart on my sleeve on this blog so i am throwing this post up as some sort of exercise in....i don't know! i make a lot of posts on this blog and then delete them because i hate the thought of my feelings existing permanently anywhere where people can see them. i say a lot of things very fast so that people won't notice that they're all true. i say a lot of things very fast so that people can't keep track of what i say -- so that i can't keep track of what i say -- and then i trip over my own feet when people do keep track, and remember. in the last handful of months i've gotten more than one gift from people in my life that are meaningful and silly and show that they've been paying attention.

i guess i would just like to ....... put my feelings somewhere in far too many paragraphs and very intentionally. as most of the time i make posts like this and change my mind. one of my dear friends keeps texting me when i do because she has post notifications on for my posts and i delete them too fast for her to read them. i think that is probably a good metaphor for something.

also this is a very long post so if you have read to the end: thank you very much :') i do not really have like a Followership per se but there are a lot of people who have been here for long enough to know at least fractions of the lore -- i dole it out in quickly-deleted pieces -- and i am trying to figure out which feelings i want to share where and this is my very weird way of practicing. so. thanks for keeping me company

[changes-2043]

My rage to my family

The feeling of emptiness when I hang out with my family is overwhelming. When I'm with my friends, once I reach home, I feel so full and grateful, even if sometimes the interactions are empty. When I'm with my family, I don't feel heard. I feel extremely overwhelmed and tired. Anything they say sounds bad, and from start to finish, everything feels fake—it makes me want to throw up. I feel like I need to raise my hand and wait for my turn to speak, but I don't want to because then my family will say, "Why are you raising your hand? You could have just talked." When I get interrupted and I remind them that they interrupted me, they say, "You always talk." When I don't say anything and keep to myself, everything I do is met with, "Why don't you talk to us?" Afterwards, I feel so drained, but I keep pushing and then they say, "Why are you always whining?" I keep pushing and pushing, and they laugh and make jokes that I don't want to hear. I wish I could be deaf to their words, just as they are deaf to mine.

This is a rage letter.

Dad, why do you think I stay up all night? I don't feel safe in these four walls where you raised me. I can't seem to find peace. My safety is in the night. You are not a bad person; there are worse men than you, but I don't like you anymore.

Mom, why do you think I'm quiet? Because nothing I've ever said was heard. When we fight, I'm always the one breaking down and crying, and you paint me as the victim when in reality, I'm just a child who didn't want to be yelled at. I remember your words while you screamed at me inches from my face, and if this happens again one day, I will punch you with all my heart and soul.

My dear older sister, there is no question for me to answer when it comes to you. But the way you ignore me, yell at me, call me the victim, and act hurt when I say anything mildly true that is out of your control. The way you told me to "teach you to set boundaries" when you got hurt by unpleasant people because you gave your whole heart to them but not to your own blood.

I felt so great when you told me that my best friend looked more like my sister than you did.

When you and Mom made me feel bad because I was eating. You came into my room after i failed an exam and said, "Why do you always act like it didn't hurt you?" My answer to you was, "It does hurt, but what am I going to do? Give up? No, let's go for plan B," because that's how I've always lived. But you've stayed with me through a lot of shit, and I will stay with you through a lot of shit because we will never end up like our father did with his brothers, even though I think this will be inevitable someday.

And I should thank you too because if it weren't for the really good moments you gave me, and without knowing, teaching me how to set my boundaries and adapt to situations, I would not be the amazing and strong person I am today.

I really hope that one day I can stay as far away as possible, getting the care I deserve, the love I deserve, with the people I choose. Because I'm not a little girl anymore; I'm a fully developed person with my own mind and thoughts, and I don't want to be treated like an extension of you or a diary where you scribble, write, and read your problems.

[purriousity-loves-the-cat]

my mental health has gone down the sewage system and I know it because I ate a KIMCHI AND CHEESE SANDWICH EARLIER

KIMCHI AND CHEESE

YUMMY KOREAN FERMENTED CABBAGE WITH SHARP CHEDDAR CHEESE ON TWO PIECES OF SHITTY SLICED WHITE BREAD

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME

I DIDN'T HATE IT EITHER I'M SOBBING (but I didn't really like it in that regard. So.)

God I fucking hate my life this week

I hate this year I hate it I hate it