The Pitt Headcanons | Reader is a Chronic Flirt and the ER Has Opinions
Reader isn't serious. That's the important thing.
This isn't some grand seduction plan. You're not trying to date anyone.
You just happen to think life is more fun when people are slightly flustered.
Unfortunately for the ER staff, they are your favourite victims.
This is a work of fanfiction based on The Pitt. I do not own The Pitt or any related characters or settings; all original material belongs to their respective creators.
{----------------------------------}
Dr. Abbott
Dr. Abbott is by far your easiest target
You compliment him once and discover that the tips of his ears turn pink
It's over for him after that
"Morning, doctor"
"Morning"
"Looking handsome today"
Immediate ear blush
Immediate
He tries so hard to pretend it doesn't affect him
It absolutely affects him
You start dropping compliments at random times just to watch him malfunction
The worst part? He never knows what to say
Not because he doesn't appreciate it
Because by the time he's figured out a response, you've already wandered off looking pleased with yourself
Everyone notices
Especially Dana
{----------------------------------}
Dr. Robby
Dr. Robby is dangerous because he doesn't get flustered
He gets even
The first time you call him pretty, he simply smiles and keeps walking
The second time, he decides to participate
Which was a mistake
For you
"Need anything else, doctor?"
"Depends"
"On?"
"Whether you're offering"
Then he walks away
You stand there staring after him while your brain attempts to reboot
He thinks it's hilarious
Unfortunately, he's right
By the end of the month, you've accidentally started a competition
Nobody knows who's winning
{----------------------------------}
Dana
Dana treats your flirting the same way she'd treat a mildly annoying weather event
Completely unbothered
"Dana, you're the most beautiful person in this ER"
"I know"
"That wasn't supposed to work"
"And yet"
You never win
Ever
Dana has been dealing with people longer than you've been alive
She sees every compliment coming from three rooms away
{----------------------------------}
Mateo
Mateo immediately starts flirting back
Aggressively
It becomes impossible to tell who's joking anymore
Everyone else regrets it
"Miss me?"
"You left four minutes ago"
"Longest four minutes of my life"
"You're obsessed with me"
"Correct"
Neither of you breaks character
Santos threatens violence at least once a shift
{----------------------------------}
Mel
Mel laughs
Every
Single
Time
You could tell her she's gorgeous
You could tell her she's the highlight of your day
You could tell her she's the reason the sun rises every morning
Mel would just start laughing
Which somehow makes you try harder
The smile she gets afterwards is always worth it
{----------------------------------}
Santos
Santos reacts to flirting the way a suspicious stray cat reacts to affection
Deep distrust
Immediate concern
"You're pretty"
"What do you want?"
"Nothing"
"Liar"
The thing is—
Santos secretly finds you funny
She just refuses to give you the satisfaction of knowing that
The occasional smirk is all you get
{----------------------------------}
Whitaker
Whitaker is a disaster
A complete disaster
The easiest person in the ER to fluster
You tell him he looks nice one time and the poor man nearly forgets his own name
"I like your hair"
"My—"
"Your hair"
"Right"
Long pause
"I have hair"
You have to physically walk away because laughing in his face feels mean
Santos never lets him live it down
{----------------------------------}
Ellis
Ellis acts like she's immune
She's not
She just refuses to give you the reaction you're looking for
Which somehow makes you more determined
"You look nice today"
"I always look nice"
"Confident"
"Accurate"
The two of you spend most conversations trying to outsmart each other
It's less flirting and more verbal sparring
Neither of you would admit how much fun you're having
{----------------------------------}
McKay
McKay notices what you're doing immediately
Immediately
She spends an entire shift watching you work your way around the ER
Then eventually corners you
"So"
"So?"
"You flirt with everybody?"
"Not everybody"
"Everybody"
She starts listing names
Unfortunately, she's correct
You have no defence
{----------------------------------}
Javadi
Javadi is somehow even worse than Whitaker
At least Whitaker eventually recovers
Javadi just freezes
Entirely
"You're adorable"
Silence
"Javadi?"
More silence
You can physically see her trying to process what just happened
After that she becomes deeply suspicious of every compliment you give her
Which only makes you want to give her more
{----------------------------------}
The ER's General Opinion
After a while, everyone figures out that you flirt with literally everyone
Nobody is safe
Not the doctors
Not the nurses
Not the med students
Not the attendings
Eventually people start keeping score
Nobody knows what the score means
Only that Whitaker is losing
Horribly
The only person who genuinely seems to enjoy the chaos as much as you do?
Potter, in a fit of rage, is quite the sight to behold. Magic sizzles around him, errant curls escape his lazy bun, spectacles sit a touch too crooked on his nose.
Draco sips his tea. “A transfer request.”
“For Merlin’s sake—“ Potter rubs the bridge of his nose, a tell Draco’s learnt to mean he’s confused and scattered, and entirely unwilling to admit it. “I can read, Malfoy. Why?”
“Article 9, Section 3 of the Auror Code of Conduct—“
“No,” Potter cuts him off. “Absolutely not.”
Draco puts his tea down.
“I wouldn’t have thought,” he begins, slow and careful, “that you’d have already forgotten— what we did. Right in this office, in fact.”
“I haven’t forgotten anything,” Potter says. The transfer request is crumpling in his fist.
“Then you also remember it’s against the rules for us to remain partners—“
Potter stalks closer, until he’s towering over Draco’s desk. Draco’s mouth is desert-dry.
“Fuck the rules,” he says. This close, his scar always takes Draco by surprise, stark and ridged and white, cutting across his forehead and the top of his cheekbone. This close, now and every other time, he’s a riot of messy intensity. Draco can’t look away. “Merlin, Draco, when have I given a fuck about the rules? You leave me, I leave the MLE, there’s no point—”
“Potter,” Draco says. He’s weak and has never resisted temptation well. It’s no surprise this is all it takes for him to reach and cup Harry’s jaw, jittery thumb catching on the stubble shadowing his cheek. “Harry, I’m not that special.”
“Tell me you’re doing this because you think you have to,” Harry says, quiet and low. “Tell me you felt like you must, and not because you— because you want to get away from me. If it’s that, then I won’t stand in—“
“Don’t be silly.” It comes out sharp and affectionate, and Harry’s shoulders relax a little. “Nobody—“ he swallows, “—nobody else I’d trust to get my coffee order right, is there?” A flicker of a smile. Draco’s spirit sings. “Or—“ he says, huge and irrevocable and far too honest, “have my back in a fight. Only. It’s only you, isn’t it?”
Harry’s hand comes up, covers Draco’s where it still rests, trembling and uncertain on his cheek. He pulls it away, and for a split second Draco almost panics, until he realises Harry is lacing their fingers together, grip tight.
“It wasn’t a mistake,” Harry says. “The— us.” His mouth ghosts over Draco’s knuckles, warm and soft and plaintive. “I wanted it so long, Draco.”
“It wasn’t a mistake,” Draco acquiesces.
They stare at each other, long, silent moments, breaths heavy.
“I’ll stay,” Draco nods eventually. “Of course I’ll stay, all you had to do was ask, just, say something Potter. Don’t you know that?”
Harry lights up with a grin so broad Draco wants to taste it, dip his tongue into it, merge his mouth with—
But Harry’s stepping back, towards the dustbin in the corner. Draco has a moment of confusion before Harry straightens out the transfer request still bunched in his grip and rips it to pieces. The parchment flutters, confetti-like, to the floor.
“You’re stuck with me,” Harry says, serious and determined, even though the smile hasn’t quite left his mouth. “Right here.”
“Where else—“ Draco clears his throat when the words come out raspy and tangled, “Harry. Where else would I possibly want to be?”
for the @drarrymicrofic prompt “pieces”. dipping my toes back in here after years and i could not stop thinking about messy auror partners!
𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 — suggestive ⋆ implied sexual activity ⋆ workplace risk ⋆ innuendo ⋆ team interruption ⋆ black male reader
⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚
The lab is too quiet.
Which, for Abby’s space, is already suspicious.
No music blasting. No humming. No random goth rambling about trace evidence. Just the soft buzz of equipment—and the sound of Abby trying (and failing) to stifle a laugh.
“You’re gonna get us caught,” you murmur low, voice right by her ear.
She grins, that dangerous grin.
“Oh, please,” she whispers back, fingers still loosely hooked in your shirt. “Gibbs would’ve knocked already.”
That’s the problem.
Gibbs always knocks.
And he hasn’t.
Your hands rest at her waist a second longer than they should—than is safe—before she leans in again, nose brushing yours, boots nudging yours between the lab tables like she’s forgotten where she is entirely.
“Abby…” you warn, but there’s no real weight behind it.
Not when she looks at you like that.
Not when her lipstick is slightly smudged and you know why.
Not when....
The door slides open.
Silence.
The kind that hits like a brick.
You step back just enough to look normal—too normal. Abby spins around toward her computer way too fast, typing absolute nonsense like her life depends on it.
The team stands there.
Watching.
Processing.
Tony squints immediately. “…why is it so quiet in here?”
McGee is already noticing everything, the proximity, the flushed faces, the way Abby’s pigtails are slightly uneven. His eyes widen a little.
Kate folds her arms slowly, eyebrow raised. “…should we come back or…?”
Abby doesn’t even turn around. “NOPE. Totally fine! Just—science! Doing science things! Very science.”
You clear your throat, adjusting your shirt like that’ll magically fix everything.
Tony takes two steps in, looking around dramatically. “Huh. No music. No caffeine rant. No dancing…”
He looks between you and Abby.
Then smirks.
“Oh.”
Abby finally turns, smiling way too brightly. “Oh what, Tony?”
He gestures vaguely between the two of you. “Nothing. Just… didn’t know lab work came with… extracurricular activities.”
“OUT,” Abby points to the door instantly.
Kate lets out a small laugh, already turning. “Yeah, we’re definitely interrupting something.”
McGee is still staring, mumbling, “I—uh—I’ll just email you.....whatever this is.....later.”
Tony backs out slowly, hands up. “Hey, hey, continue your research. We support science.”
The door slides shut.
Silence again.
Abby waits exactly two seconds..
Then bursts out laughing, doubling over against the table.
“Oh my god, did you SEE their faces?!”
You drag a hand down your face, half embarrassed, half amused. “We’re never hearing the end of this.”
She straightens, stepping closer again like nothing happened, eyes sparkling.
So I was going to HR because I spotted a horror when I bumped into this guy, looking all embarrassed and kinda miserable
He was wearing a hospital gown and the bandages on his hand were red like the wound underneath wasn't even healed at all
This guy who totally just escaped from the nearby hospital then asks me for money to pay his taxi and I'm nothing if not a feeble mind so I just. Hand it over like 😭 ok sure 😭 Bro if you're gonna escape from a hospital it's not worth coming back to work 😭
Shoutout to my work friend who, while I was being scolded by a coworker about my inability to move on from an ex situationship, shouted "It's doomed yuri, that's what the lesbians want goddammit!" and proceeded to whack him
This is from the upcoming chapter of Dark Necessities.
The dull green neon glow and the low humming of the salad vending machine always put Mobius into a sort of trance. He stood before it now, blinking lazily at the twenty or so identical plates for a good few minutes before he remembered he was supposed to insert his tokens into the machine.
Before he could do so, he sensed someone coming up behind him till they were close enough for him to feel their body heat.
“Good morning,” Loki spoke casually into his ear.
Then a hand snaked its way into his pants pocket. Mobius couldn’t help it when his breath hitched as the hand fumbled around, looking to grab a handful of… his tokens.
By the time he’d caught his breath, a robotic arm was depositing Loki’s salad into the retrieval slot.
My friend has this huge cat near her new workplace, and her coworkers refer to him as "Bossman".
So phrases such as "Did you feed the boss today?", "Stop feeding Bossman, someone's already feeding his fat behind", "Is boss in the building?!" are becoming more common, to the point of it's a game of are we referring to the actual boss (a chill guy) or the cat
