The flat was quiet and dark, no sign of my former cohabitation present. My heart ached at the realization that he was really gone. Six years of having a shadow, a lover, a home full of noise and suddenly the only sound is that of my keys desolately clattering onto an empty table.
I didn’t bother changing from my rumpled, puke stained scrubs, nor did I care to turn on a light as I wound my way through the empty halls to the kitchen. The fridge didn’t help note the stark loneliness, I don’t know why I bothered opening it in the first place knowing I would find a few stray brown sauce packets, a spoiled carton of milk, and a half eaten container of takeaway. I did a double take at the sight of a large wine bottle topped with a bow sat on the middle shelf, an interesting label and a note tied to its neck.
Don’t be such a wuss on your birthday! No man is worth the six months of depression you’ve been sporting. Drink up and perk up!
I laughed and pulled the well chilled bottle from the fridge, without a second glance at the rest of the meager, unsatisfying contents.
“Extremely sweet red wine,” I read from the label, popped the cork and swigging straight from the bottle, then pulled out my phone.
Sweet Walter Red is it then? How sweet Walter must have been to lend you his bottle. I hope he knows he won’t get it back!
Waiting for her reply I took another drink and hummed at the delicious crisp sweetness the wine offered. I needed to eat something before the wine turned me into a blubbering drunk.
Aye! Walter is more than happy to lend sweet bottles to beautiful nurses. Especially on their birthday!
I laughed as her next message came within seconds of her first.
I took the liberty of downloading a week gift to your iPad. DRINK THE WINE!!!! Then...have some fun on my dime *insert wink face/tongue out emoji*
You’ll see! I already have it pulled up for you. All you have to do is tap the big red button!
Curiosity coursed through me. The app was indeed pulled up and a large red button read ‘Pick Me!’
“Pick me? What on earth?”
YOU SIGNED ME UP FOR A DATING APP?! GEILIS!!!! NO.
Tossing my phone to the side, I quickly drained half the bottle of wine and slumped on the couch glaring at the closed cover of my iPad.
“Who does she think she is?” I questioned. “It’s not as though I’ve never had a date…” Sighing I reasoned with myself. “...although, he never did call back. I guess I could.. NO! Beauchamp what are you thinking? Molesters, con artists and psychopaths use the internet for dating… or that’s just my overactive paranoia coming into play and generalizing to avoid admitting that I do want a date and I’m actually extremely lonely.”
My life was starting to look like a cheap early 2000s romantic comedy, only without the romance and comedic irony in abundance. I sat myself back down onto the couch, took another mouthful of wine and started laughing riotously.
“Bridget eat your heart out!” I laughed into the bottle, wine already nearing the opening.
The bottle of Sweet Walter diminished surprisingly quick. My food deprived stomach craved more with every sip to ebb away the hunger, and my alcohol buzzed brain’s confidence soared.
“Get a grip Beauchamp! What’s the worst that could happen?” I slurred, and tapped the obnoxious ‘Pick Me!’ button.
A burst of confetti digitally fell down the screen and I laughed as balloons rose from the bottom spelling out ‘CONGRATS!’ So far, so good!
Congrats on deciding to take this leap into the unknown. We’re here to help you find love and fun all at the click of a button! Pick Me!, Inc. has a 98% success rate and we’re happy to have you join our team! In the home bar below you will find your access to your personal profile, messages, private chats, and most importantly your matches! If you have any questions just tap on the HELP! Icon and we’ll be there to assist.
After canceling the automated tour of the app I fumbled my way through the sections, finding my profile and groaning at the photo and information Geili had chosen to submit. The title of my pages was named Hot Shot Lady Doc, “Jesus H Roosevelt Christ, Geili! What have you done?”
Occupation: Professional Knife Wielder, aka SURGEON
Looking For: The perfect peen to make me happily scream and other forms of fun. *insert wink face emoji*
Interested In: Tall, NOT Dark, but very Handsome: MEN
My eyes widened and the wine was suddenly back in my mouth. I really needed to change the information. Drunk note to self: Change all information and profile picture ASAP once sober. A heart appeared in the corner of my screen, blinking the number 6. Did this mean six messages or six matches? Why didn’t they ever make this clear? Oh wait.. Maybe that’s what the little tutorial was meant for…
“Ahh fuck it… when in Rome,” I murmured clicking on the flashing heart.
My heartbeat quickened and my stomach twisted with nerves. There were six matches waiting for me to view and one had a gold star on the top left corner stating we were a 95% match, the rest filtered through with 90%, 88%, 85%, and an 80% ratings. I bit my lip and scrolled through each, eager to see what made us compatible. One man was a wine distributor, another a carpenter, there was an army surgeon, a police officer, a publisher and even a farmer. All had stunning smiles and colorful profiles, and there was one thing important I noticed about each of these men as I read their profiles; none of them were the least bit like Frank.
“I can do this!” I said matter of factly, tapping my, unfortunately empty, wine bottle to the screen in a mock toast. “I am a strong, independent, hot shot lady doc! I managed to graduate top of my class before the age of 30! I don’t need a man but would definitely like some fun!” A new sense of excitement washed over me at that realization, but my stomach sank in guilt. “I do want a man, but am I doing this too soon after Frank?”
Chewing on my lip I paced my living room with empty wine bottle and iPad in hand. “No! He is not caring if it was too soon to get married two days after I landed a job to be closer to him. He didn’t seem to mind that we were still together when he started dating whatsherface Candy! This is for me! Geili was right, I do deserve some fun!” Confidently I flipped the iPad back open, I bit the bullet, and messaged the first profile that caught my attention.
