Dazzler's infamous "Thank you" interview, Gordon Godspeaks s4e3, October 2006
“Welcome to Gordon Godspeaks in our brand new 9 PM timeslot. I’m your host, G. Gordon Godfrey. Today we have with us a washed up old woman with delusions of reclaiming former glory who carries a burning resentment for everyone and everything that brought her fame to begin with. Dazzler, welcome to the show.”
“Thank you, Gordon. Humble as ever with that new show title, I see?”
“You say that like you think I picked it! You know how the marketing boys are. I have pictures of the costumes they put you in early in your career…”
“I remember, but that was a long time ago. I think we're both a decade past anyone forcing branding onto us that we don't want.”
“Heh. You would think you know better than the people who went to marketing schools.”
“...I'd missed this. It’s nice to be back in this chair after so long.”
“But are you? Back, I mean? I’ve listened to your latest two albums.”
“You don't look like you liked them.”
The audience chuckles audibly.
“Well no, but you look like you're pleased as punch about that! Look at that smile, everyone. She's glowing! …Even you have to admit, though, it’s not much like the Dazzler we all know. In fact it doesn't really sound like you at all. Why don’t you tell me who really wrote your new songs?”
“I wrote them all myself. It’s who I am now. You’re right, the old Dazzler is well and truly dead. Thank god for that, and thank you for that, Godfrey.”
“...Thank me? What do you mean by that?”
“Did I never tell you? Twenty and however-many years ago, do you remember, you invited me onto the show again, in the 80s.”
“You mean when I ambushed you into a debate with the leader of that homeschooling- ”
“No no no, I’m not talking about the times I actually came. I mean the last time you invited me. You didn’t want me in the chair, you wanted me on the stage for- ”
“Yes, for our ninth season, in December, I remember. I also remember that you turned us down. Now why would you bring that up, I wonder?”
“Because you asked me to play. And that’s when I knew my career had to die… So I killed it. And if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t be starting again now.”
“You… Are you telling me you stopped performing because the people actually wanted you to?”
“Because your people wanted me to.”
“Ha! Always the political tyrant, putting your agenda above everything else. Even common sense. Sales are sales, honey, when are you going to learn to play the game?”
“We’re not playing the same game. I have enough money. I don’t need sales. What I need is to challenge people.”
“You’re saying you’d really rather be getting ambushed by parents rights activists than play for the Superbowl?”
“That’s exactly what I’m saying. I turned them down five years after I turned you down.”
“You what? …The Superbowl?”
“It’s not just about the politics of your show’s target demographic, it’s about the age. All of you watching, I’m sorry, but, you’re old. It’s okay, I’m old too. And it’s okay if anyone still likes to listen to my old songs, but I don’t get to settle and just keep playing them forever. Not as a Mutant, not as an artist.”
“Why not? Aren’t you, by saying that, kind of calling Paul McCartney a hack for still playing the classic songs he wrote for The Beatles?”
“If you like, yes, I will say it. Paul McCartney is a hack. He was one of the greatest in the world for a time, but if you’re a musician, and the parents of adults don’t hate your new material, what the hell are you even doing? I mean really?”
“Hey Frank, we're recording this, right? You think you’re better than Paul McCartney. That’s what you just said.”
“No, I’ve never been as good as he was, but I’ve grown more than he has.”
“Grown into the gutter, and the gutter is full of garbage can lids screaming in pain by the sound of it.”
“You might not like it, but it’s making you think.”
“It makes it hard to think!”
The audience laughs briefly.
“But you’ve said so much more about my new music in the last week than you have about my old music in the last twenty years. You wanted me to play that music. You want to sit me here across from you and tell me ‘how dare you’ about my new music, and that’s where I want to be. Always.”
“So… you got an invite, from my staff, to play your old disco tracks on stage on the air, and because of that… I personally ended your career?”
The audience chuckles a little.
“I’m the reason you’re making these… screaming noises now? Oh no, my producers with daughters won’t be happy about this...”
The audience laughs more.
“Yes, and more than that you’re likely the reason I came out as a Mutant!”
“Who's ending whose career, here?!”
Louder laughter, before it fades back down to listening silence.
“If I’d gotten comfortable playing the old stuff, letting people feel nostalgic for me instead of emboldening them, maybe I wouldn’t have had the courage.”
“So, about that, the Mutant thing. When did that start?”
“Before my first album launched, but you can read the Rolling Stones article for all of that. I’ve been this way the whole time, I was just too scared to say it.”
“The woman who could blind everyone in this studio with a wave of her hands was scared… Yeah, right.”
“You're right, I can protect myself, and I always will if I need to. But I'm not talking about that. There wasn’t a record label in the industry who would have signed me.”
“So you’re a Mutant now because it’s good for business. Maybe you do know how the game is played after all.”
“No, I’ve lost more fans than I ever even had, coming back and coming out wasn’t what’s good for business, it’s what was good for me.”
“Classic self-centered artist, doesn’t care what the public likes. I really think you- ”
The audience laughs again.
“...Can you stop throwing me off my script here, babe? We have other segments to get to.”
“No. Never. The moment I let people like you, and people like you out there, be comfortable around my work, when people stop confronting me on the streets and asking me to explain myself, when kids stop having to hide my albums, that’s when my career has to die again.”
“If I’m not throwing people off their scripts, I’m not making people change, and if I’m not making people change, and I’m still singing that stuff, I’m basically advocating for the status quo.”
“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”
“And when you just admitted you'd be willing to blind everyone here for your own self-interest, whose fault is that really? Thank you, that’s all the time we have for you tonight. After the break we’ll be talking about the disappearance of the Batman, the new lesbian Batwoman, and the decline of Gotham family values with local businessman Oswald Cobblepot.”
