So, why the fuck did no-one tell me the bassist of Måneskin Victoria De Angelis is a Lesbian???
WHY THE HELL DID I DISCOVER THAT YESTERDAY???
Like yeah. I knew she liked women (judging from the music videos) and at some point she identified as a Bisexual. SHE CAME OUT IN 2024 AS LESBIAN AND I DIDN'T FUCKING KNOW??? Im so disappointed in myself. I should've known that ofc she is lesbian. She's gorgeous tho... like. Now that i think about it, it should've been quite clear. Maybe I'm just blind?
So... how do i start this... i guess this is now the big and mighty coming out?
Shortly. I am queer and i fall under the Asexual and sapphic spectrums. I will call myself a lesbian, but that's maybe not the whole truth (still kinda questioning). I also believe sexuality can change and will change overtime.
OH AND MIGHT I ADD, IF YOU KNOW ME IRL THIS IS NOT A THING YOU CAN GO AROUND TELLING ANYONE AND EVERYONE. I AM STILL NOT THAT OPENLY OUT, ALRIGHT?
Now that that's out of the way, into more detail under here: (and it is a long rant, so no pressure in reading it if you're not that interested)
I have been researching this topic and wondering a lot about if this really is me, if this is just a phase... well I'm still not sure. And i think its fine, i don't need to know fully rn. Also i believe that sexuality can and will change overtime.
First the easy part: i am Asexual and i have been for a while now. Ive identified in the asexual spectrum for around three to four years now. At first i identified as demisexual, but right now i feel like Asexual fits me better.
What is Asexuality?
- Asexuality means i do not have sexual attraction or i have very little of it. But it does not mean I'm not romantic. I am indeed very romantic as a person and i do want to experience romance and relationships. Only difference being that it's not going to be sexual in my case.
Second part: being sapphic or a lesbian. I'm still not completely sure which one suits me better. I'm not sure if i can imagine myself being with a man or if I'm even attracted to men.
What does being sapphic mean?
- It means that me a woman am romantically attracted to women. Being sapphic also includes sexual attraction but in my case of queer soup i only expirience romantic attraction.
- Sapphic also known as WLW (women loving women) is an umbrella term and includes also being bi/pan or anything else that includes other genders besides women and women.
I'm still figuring out if i like men or not. So, right now i would fall under the lesbian spectrum. But might i add, i am attracted to androgynous people and non binary folks. So a lesbian with a little spice. Meaning... queer soup.
(I love this term. Queer soup.)
In the end these shouldn't matter so much, but i think it feels like i belong somewhere when i get these points straight. So yeah. I am fruity as fuck, and i might update this at some point. Taking into consideration i still am a teenager and my frontal lobe is not fully developed yet. (Maybe it is a phase afterall... who knows.)
Anyways thank you for reading my rant and if there's any questions I'd feel happy to answer them in either the comments or my dms. (As long as they're like... yk. Reasonable and not you just hating on me)
Rn im going to sleep, we'll see how this post did in the morning (fr scared but here we go...)
So, i started my period today SO FUN and guess what? I have a dance competition coming ON SUNDAY which means I'll be on my period when I'm there. I hate hate hate it. Just gotta hope the pain eases up before then, bc it is hellish let me tell you.
Next part is kinda graphic... so TW here.
And just to get this picture in your head. Imagine a glass ball that's being heated and as it heats up too much it explodes and all that in slow motion. Now Imagine that happening INSIDE YOU and it does not stop on the explosion, oh no. Then the glass shards start shredding through you from inside so much you want to throw up. And also blood is involved bc why the fuck not. Like i didn't already feel bad enough but noooo i also have to bare blood coming out of me. Yeah. And imagine this happening once a month.
Yes I'm full of rage and in pain. I hate this shit and i really hoped i would've been born without a uterus, bc i do not plan on having kids so i do not even need it. UUGGHHHHHHHH
So, since i was lazy (or just depressed idk at this point) i didn't have the energy to shower this night so now I'll have to shower in the morning... at like fucking 6am. Yeah
Also because it's so fucking² cold in here i have to dry my hair with a dryer before i can go out to go to school, so I'll be using ANCIENT hairdryer that's my mother's old one... it's like AT LEAST 20-30 years old.
So um. Hopefully i won't like fucking³ explode or something. 💕
So. We have guests coming over today, and we had to clean. Yeah, like you always do before somebody comes over.
WELL thing is, i have siblings (two younger ones) and still I have to do 60% of the work that's given to us kids. Yeah. And let me remind you i have slight sensory issues, and I'm put to do the most sensory nightmare stuff, because my sibling just cannot do it.
I'm always the one who does most of the housework. Hell, even my nickname has become Cinderella, because i do most of the house work. (Ofc my parents do, but from the kids in our house.)
Yes im pissed off, no i still love my family. It's just annoying how unfair it is most of the time.
So. I had a dream that my family was about to celebrate my dad's birthday. I was decorating the cake when we were missing something so we went to the store with my sister and my dad
At the store i met my last year's finnish teacher. And for context, she's amazing and i think she's one of the best teachers I've ever had. She came up and hugged me while we were at the checkout with my sister. And i cried because that teacher was one of the very few teachers i actually liked and she had left our school (irl)
Well, outside the store my dad was beefing with some man outside the store. That man got so angry he threw a homemade explosive at my face. It was like just a small explosive but it was filled with something sharp, like glass.
I fell to the ground from the impact and the pain when ppl started gathering around me to check if i was alright
To police came to the scene and arrested the man, but the medics were taking a little longer.
In the chaos i also met one of my friends from like elementary school and i told her: "an explosive was thrown at me." And she was like, "omg, that's so sad!" And proceeded to show her jewelry to me???
Well, then the dream just ended and i woke up with a sharp pain on my chest... so, that's that
I've heard it meant something if in a dream you're shot, but wth happens when somebody threw an imaginary bomb at you???
I will never have an ordinary relationship with a partner because of my asexuality.
And i cannot start a relationship with anybody bc if they only find out later that i am ace i will probably be left alone or invalidated (or both). Also bc I'm fucking pathetic and i cannot for the love of god tell anyone about how i feel, bc I'm so scared of being left alone.
For example: I have this one girl I've been crushing on since forever. Once she told me how she had been making out with some summer fling of hers and stuff about that. That's the exact moment i realised I'd probably never be able to tell her.
She said that the person she was making out with was a good kisser, and yeah good for her, but i just realised I'd never be up to standard. I absolutely hate the idea of me doing anything further than a little kiss. I hate the idea of a sloppy makeout (if it involves me). I HATE IT.
Idk why i even believe in love anymore tbh. I will probably never get an actual partner if this doesn't change. And ofc I've never kissed anyone, but the idea of me being intimate with somebody...? I want to throw up, genuinely.
Also just to clarify, i do not give a rats ass, if other people make out or are sexual with each other. I'm happy for ya'll. It's just that I cannot imagine myself in a situation like that.
Maybe i just hate myself that much, idk. I just... hate the idea of me being intimate and/or sexual with anybody. Even with ppl i genuinely am attracted to or am crushing on or even love atp.
So. I had an appointment for the school nurse earlier this week. We talked about stuff, we measured me and stuff like that.
Well, before this appointment i had to fill in a for that was about how you're feeling ect. And we had to pick a sad/happy face to represent our answer. I answered to the last question, which was about motivation and psychological health, with a sad face.
The nurse then asked me why is that? And i started to kinda regret putting it there. I just said idk and that my motivation has been gone for a long time and i amstressed. Well she started looking at my old report to find a cause for the stress.
APPARENTLY THE LAST TIME I WENT TO THE NURSE I HAD SAID I KINDA LIKE BOYS AND GIRLS. And you know what? MY MOM CAN SEE THAT REPORT.
Well, the nurse asked me if there's been any changes to that. I mentioned being asexual and liking girls. I also mentioned I haven't had a crush on a boy for around three years. But I've had crushes on girls during that time. She wrote it down.
Well, when the appointment ended i asked her not to put my sexuality in the report that's visible to my parents. And i really hope she remembered to do that, because if my parents find out... i will not hear the end of it for a while.
