a/n: he’s a little shit, but he’s MY little shit 🥰
ac goes to Aima_rt
synopsis: nagumo ragebaiting you by pretending to be your girl best friend.
nagumo had exactly three hobbies: being an assassin. annoying people. and, most importantly, annoying you.
which was why you weren't even slightly surprised when your phone buzzed with a text from him that simply read:
yoichi: i'm bored.
you didn't answer. two minutes later:
yoichi: wow.
yoichi: ghosting me.
yoichi: after everything we've been through 💔
yoichi: i'm telling everyone you hate me :(
you muted the conversation. but, that should've been your first clue.
instead, you spent the rest of the afternoon at your apartment, comfortably sprawled across the couch while you rambled about your day with your best friend. or, well. what you thought was your best friend.
"and then," you groaned dramatically, shoving your face into a pillow, "he had the audacity to eat the last strawberry mochi."
your friend nodded solemnly. "how dare he."
"RIGHT?"
"he sounds awful."
"he is."
"you should break up with him."
you lifted your head immediately. "okay, let's not get too crazy."
she laughed.
you continued yapping. about work. groceries. new skin care products. this coffee shop you found that you actually like. the movie you wanted to watch. how nagumo somehow managed to flirt with you while actively stealing food off your plate.
the entire time, your friend just listened with a patient smile. occasionally adding a comment. occasionally nodding. honestly, she seemed a little more attentive than usual. you should've been suspicious. instead, you kept talking.
"... he reminds me of a rodent."
your friend blinked. "is that why you got him the capybara keychain?"
you paused. "... what?"
"the tiny capybara keychain. with the boba tea."
you stared. she stared back. something in your brain screeched to a halt.
"how do you know about that?"
"because you gave it to me after–"
"..."
"... oh..."
that keychain. that very specific, embarrassingly sentimental keychain of the capybara with the boba drink because his big round eyes reminded you of boba. you had never mentioned it to anyone except–
your eyes narrowed. "yoichi."
your best friend's smile twitched. "what?"
"yoichi."
"why are you calling me your boyfriend’s na–"
"YOICHI."
the grin exploded across her face immediately. the illusion dropped so fast it was almost insulting. one second, your best friend was sitting beside you. the next, nagumo was folded over laughing so hard he nearly fell off the couch.
you let out the loudest, most offended gasp of your life. "YOU LITTLE SHIT–"
"YOU DIDN'T NOTICE!" he wheezed.
"HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HERE?!"
"about an hour."
"AN HOUR?!"
he was crying. actual tears. but then he suddenly locked in.
"i found out you were my biggest hater today."
you averted your gaze, feigning nonchalance. “i don’t know what you’re talking about."
"when i asked you ‘what’s your favorite thing about your boyfriend?’ you said ‘that he’s weird.’ and when i said ‘not that he’s handsome?’ you said ‘i mean, i guess.’ I GUESS?!"
"YOICHI!"
he collapsed against the armrest, cackling. you launched a pillow directly at his face. he caught it effortlessly, still laughing.
"i can't believe you fell for that though."
"i can't believe you impersonated my best friend! that’s like… an invasion of privacy!”
"that's what makes it funny."
"you are the worst!"
"but i'm funny."
"no!"
"yes."
"no!!"
"you literally spent an hour hanging out with me."
"because i thought you were someone else!"
"wow." he placed a hand over his heart. "that's devastating."
you grabbed another pillow. he immediately stood up.
"violence isn't the answer."
"it is today."
"you know," he said, backing away toward the kitchen, "the story about your ex-boyfriend that fumbled you was actually pretty interesting."
"GET BACK HERE."
he bolted. you chased him.
and somewhere between trying to hit him with couch cushions and listening to his obnoxious laughter echo through your apartment, you realized two things.
one: nagumo had way too much free time.
and two: the stupid idiot was absolutely going to do this again.
because judging by the way he was laughing? he thought getting caught was the funniest part.
