#yeahidk

[cutepinkloves]

[blankodyssey]

Can’t believe I went to college for five and a half years with one particular goal in mind to work in the music industry and got my DREAM job right away WITH MY DREAM COMPANY (#1 in the world for 🔊) only for it all to come crashing down and it turning out to be NOTHINGGGGG that I thought it was going to be and two and a half years later I am am fucking depressed as shit after QUITTING on my own terms two months ago.

Although it sucks, I 100% don’t regret my decision and am definitely better off. Fucking crazy how I literally achieved everything I set for myself and not being happy one bit once I got to the top. It just goes to show that not everything you think you want IS what you want. It was like, pulling the curtain to take a peek behind the scenes at Disney only to find out that Mickey Mouse and Co is really just some slimy corporate shill that DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK about their core audience.

So now here I am, unemployed and have literally no idea what I’m going to do. People ask me what I am passionate about……well I did the thing I was passionate about and it turned out to be just one big fucking lie. Now I am stuck. I understand I did this to myself, but in no way should anyone have to go through what I did ever no matter the circumstance.

“We don’t exploit people, we exploit passion”

I’ll remember that forever.

[mitcheemarns]

Zach: you know blue baby syndrome, where they don't get enough oxygen?

Mitch: oh like Avatar

Zach:

[maskarie]

Lucio in D12?

I haven’t drawn him in awhile! :3c But here’s this baby boy!

[cutepinkloves]

[vonneguted]

nothing has made me feel better in my whole life than picking up smoking and going vegan. I'm like morissey if he was cool

[inlivingwritenow]

these are not one-second clips of each day i've had in 2023. but they are collections of videos i recorded through all the emotions and memories of the year. each with their own long, significant stories of: chef, clinical, lab, studying, being outside, adventures, alll the rain, challenging & live-saving moments, drinks, donuts, rainbows, smiles, love, celebrations, music, etc. not everything entirely nor perfectly captured, but i am so so grateful.

i've long debated if i should have made this or shared it or if i really should've left this video without sound. but here we are, here it is, and i silently play an instrumental version of billie eilish's "what was i made for" or whatever i'm feeling in the background and everything's okay. unlike the video, nothing about this year was quiet. but i'm starting to believe i'm becoming more quiet, or just someone who has less to say or share. i've consistently tried to stray away from the "quiet," simply because it was always a word that was used to described me and i often want to prove people wrong. but, in the beginning of 2023, i started to write letters and pep-talks to myself. and i think that's how i've been living..write..now (hehehe)--a little more reserved and saving all the things i have to say for myself. words have always carried me through, and i thought that keeping to myself was the most personal act of love and self-care i've had this year. a lot of this year was also doing the work of trying to figure out if i should continue on my path of finding communities, new friends, and sharing more of my life with others or.. just continuing the journey of learning to be my own best friend [another thing i was afraid of...being alone]. but, after incidentally buying and sharing a huge tray of nachos with myself on a "be my own best friend" date in a whole other state, i think i know the answer now [since then, i have openly referred to that memory as "awkward nachos"].

learning to to be my own best friend came with a lot more solo dates than before. it was also learning how to befriend the silence, go on walks alone, delight in these wins, self-soothe in anxious & difficult moments, and be my own cheerleader when i thought i needed people or when nobody was around [i know. as you can see, i've always lived with a lot of people in my life, and i'm learning to be even more independent]. over time, enjoying my own company, got a little less awkward and quiet. more than anything, i was gifted a reserve of stillness, grace for myself, being whole, protecting that peace i've longed for, and learning the gratitude for it all.

i can only imagine what's ahead in 2024, but i hope to have more stories, memories, and dates to collect that'll be something more than quiet.

[obsidiansss]

What a confused mind looks like