#yearner matt

[mi-co-uk]

1st October ⋆ read here

─── dealer chris x nerd reader (part one) : sunny gets kidnapped.

2nd October ⋆ read here

─── criminal matt x princess reader : matt is an asshole when he's high.

8th October ⋆ read here

─── mute reader x yapper chris : dottys bullies test if she can scream for help.

9th October ⋆ read here

─── eeyore matt x piglet reader : matt tells pink why he's the way he is - origin story/flashback.

15th October ⋆ read here

─── mute reader x grumpy matt : dotty has to get help from someone she has a dark past with when matt abandons her.

16th October ⋆ read here

─── crybaby reader x yearner chris : bee loses her mind when she gets lost in the woods.

22nd October ⋆ read here

─── yearner matt x avoidant reader : matt gets into a car accident.

23rd October ⋆ read here

─── geek reader x casanova chris : chris is a liar and humiliates bug in front of his friends.

29th October ⋆ read here

─── curvy reader x loverboy matt : matt doesnt show up when cherry needs him the most.

30th October ⋆ read here

─── dealer chris x nerd reader (part two) : chris rescues sunny but now she's afraid of him.

comment 🚩 to be tagged in ALL angstober works !!

— you will get tagged if you are already in my taglist c:

©mi-co-uk

[mi-co-uk]

yearner!matt & avoidant!reader texts? :3

of course !! sorry for the wait :>

[mi-co-uk]

yearner matt x avoidant reader's last text convo !!

anddd they havnt spoken for a week since c:

[mi-co-uk]

⸝⸝⸝ 𝐘𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐄𝐑 𝐌𝐀𝐓𝐓 𝐗 𝐀𝐕𝐎𝐈𝐃𝐀𝐍𝐓 𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐄𝐑 ⋆.˚🦢⋆

"I'm sorry I dont wanna take off my clothes, but at least I know you were mine."

content: avoidant reader tries to cope with her past and accept her feelings for matt.

WARNINGS: ** heavy SA trigger warning !! prim talks of her experience of SA (the effects not the events), how it affects her daily, mentions / implied SH, mini scenes of fluff inbetween heavy angst, mentions of sickness, implied sex, implied hypersexual struggles, emotional numbness, angst with comfort, mini makeout session.

a/n, to everyone that hates avoidant reader, i hate YOU :(

wc: 1.1k

AU MASTERLIST // NAV // ALL AUS // TAGS

(— line dividers by @chrisssiren )

Every night she woke up feeling like her skin was crawling.

She hates the burning but maybe she's supposed to live with it. Maybe it's her fault. I mean she’s the only one living with the consequences.

She doesn't want to wear her own skin. It barely belongs to her. It's been used, ruined, stained. She didn't know she was supposed to claim it. She thought it was her own. They took the decision like she wasn't enough to even be presented with it.

She didn't understand it when it happened. Maybe she just didn't think they could be so cruel. Maybe that was her fault - she knew they were bad but she didn't know they thought she was. They had to think she was worth nothing to do it all to her.

They told her she was everything they needed but she never wanted to be that for them. She didn't fucking want it.

She wished being loved could drain it out.

She wished it felt like waiting. but it's not. it feels like needing to blink, but maybe her eyes would never open back up again. Maybe she’d get hurt again. Maybe letting her guard down wouldn't actually help.

Prim let Matt touch her. She thought it was the only way anyone could see worth in her. Maybe she enjoyed it - but it always left her with bitter guilt at the tip of her tongue.

The shame made her push him away. She always felt used, replaceable. Prim expected a million contrasting things - matt to make her feel important; closer to the need to breathe than the need for a release.

She also expected him to hurt her all the ways she had been before. The tactic she used was to always let him - let anyone who seemingly wanted her in that way to have her, because then she's choosing it. She has the control.

Tears couldn't help but spill every time after. Because despite it all, she still never felt like she had control.

These men could see every inch of her but she’d never let them see her cry. She never let them see her inside out.

Matt made it hard.

He didn't push for it. Acting as if he didn't even want it. His effort was directed in trying to make her laugh, make her relaxed. Chasing the glint in her eyes she only got when Matt dragged her outside of her own head.

There were battles Matt went through in terms of self confidence. He loved her like she was a God he prayed to. Constant chasing validation to deem himself worthy of her - her company, her love, her life that he wanted to share.

“I’m sick, Matt, go away.”

“C’mon, I'm not leaving you on your own.”

He started collecting the used tissues, shoving them into the tiny trash bin next to her bed.

Prim groaned out, covering her face with the blanket out of shame for her appearance. “I look awfullll!”

“You look adorable.” he tilted his head, looking at her face peaking out from the hole she made in the covers so she could breathe. She blinked a few times, processing, sniffling. Then went back to her routine of self deprecating.

“I’m ill and gross, look at me- actually, don't.” She covered herself almost fully, earning a small laugh from Matt.

He kissed her temple, not caring for the slight sweat lining her skin. “You want me to leave you to suffer in peace?”

She hesitated, but answered. “Yeah.”

“Alright, but I'm staying downstairs so yell out in agony if you need anything.”

A part of her denied that she loved him - told herself she barely liked him at all. He was perfect but she thought she felt nothing.

Prim was desensitized to feelings. If a touch didn't burn and make her spiral through thoughts then was it worth anything? If the feeling didn't hurt then how did she know she was feeling anything at all?

It felt so innocent. Even those intense moments shared so privately with one another felt innocent. His grip barely registered, like they'd been doing it their whole lives, like time apart had been the most unnatural part of it all.

She wasn't used to that lack of feeling. Used to spending her days scrubbing at her skin, burning at it to get the old feeling out. The constant invisible weight from where they took her body from her.

No matter how many days passed, the hands remained. All over. Cursed to live in the body she couldn't call her own anymore.

Matt lingered on her mind.

Moments she brushed away at the time but wished she could experience over and over in a time loop. He was always gentle. Most people thought the bare minimum was the ability to breathe being around someone but to Prim it was much more valuable.

A rule she had was no hand holding. Debatably a level of claustrophobia but she didn't want to give it a title so heavy. She needed an escape. If there was a solid grip trapping her fingers, she felt so out of control that she had urges to rip off her skin. Just like before.

Prim let her head rest on Matt's shoulder, seated sideways in his lap. She drew lines with her finger, trailing the skin of his neck.

She watched him inhale and exhale, his own head atop hers, eyes closed as if in the most peaceful state he’d ever experienced.

Her nose nudged his jawline, pecking kisses to encourage him to face her.

Matt kissed her the same as he always did, she reciprocated differently. Zoning out wasn't her instinct at that moment, choosing to give in to the feeling. Prim held him, breaking the kisses only to breathe and chase him back.

Matt’s hand cradled her face, thumb caressing her cheekbone. She placed her hand over his, fingers intertwining to feel him in a way she hadn't before. She pushed herself closer, ignoring the sting in her eyes and the tears streaming down her face.

Matt noticed. As he always did.

He pulled back, panic filling his body as he held her face fully. He stared into her watery eyes as her frown deepened.

Again, she crawled the rest of her fingers into the spaces between his, practically desperate for the gesture she’d run away from for so long.

“Why are you crying?” He tried to soothe her, wiping her tears with his thumb so gently, holding her so gently. Eyes as always gentle.

“Because it doesn't hurt.”

©mi-co-uk

- comment ⏳️ to be added to this aus taglist if you're not on it already and wanna be !! c:

[mi-co-uk]

─── "𝑝𝑖𝑒𝑐𝑒𝑑 𝑖𝑡 𝑎𝑙𝑙 𝑡𝑜𝑔𝑒𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟 𝑙𝑎𝑡𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑛𝑖𝑔ℎ𝑡."

billie eilish, the 30th ───

˗ˏˋ yearner matt x avoidant reader ˎˊ˗

𝑨𝑵𝑮𝑺𝑻𝑶𝑩𝑬𝑹 𝑺𝑷𝑬𝑪𝑰𝑨𝑳

content.

matt gets into a car crash.

warnings.

heavily implied and vague descriptions of a car crash, guilt, crying, anxiety, matts very sweet, technically readers fault, panic attack, self hate, partial suicide idealation, mentions of blood and wounds, hospital setting, comfort at the end, kissing.

wc. 1.3k

(— line dividers by @chrisssiren )

|| .au masterlist . navigation . all aus. ||

His heart had stopped.

It was hard to drive knowing it was the exact thing that hurt him in the first place. More than simply hurt him.

The radio didnt help, your music didnt help. Listening to your own hyperventilated breathing didnt exactly help either.

Matt had chosen you. He wanted you with him and as much as you valued it, it came with a lot of pressure.

You weren’t even supposed to last this long; in general and in terms of being in matt’s life. It had almost been cut short and you - the girl who would blow him off to eat your weight in shit food and cry - were still a priority to him.

Of course, all of this was selfish. Conflicted over how you were supposed to now treat a not-relationship with someone rather than focusing on them.

His heart had stopped.

You fixed your hair in the car mirror, feeling selfish once again.

The hesitation you’d tried to avoid your entire life for risk of feeling stupid now corrupted your entire body. You paused at the entrance to his room, mouth agape in slight horror. Swelling, bandages, blood.

“I’m on good meds. Dont worry.” he laughed - he fucking laughed about it.

A frown contorted your face, still stood aimlessly in the doorway. How did he do that? Treat everything like the next step wasn’t a leap away from him?

You used to think he let everyone walk over him. Now you understood nothing could ever do that to him - people could think they were pushing him away, you could think that. Matt never even let himself fall to the floor. He wouldnt let anything hurt him that way.

He sensed your hesitation, giving you his sympathetic smile while he layed down wounded. It was like he knew every thought in your brain, even when it sounded to you like pure sobbing.

“Those for me?”

Your hands twitched on the plastic covering the flowers, small droplets scattered on the surface from the rain outside. You could only respond with a tight lipped smile, water brimming your waterline.

His heart had stopped.

Finally unparalyzed, you forced your heavy feet into the room, taking time to close the door and try to ignore your shaky hands.

you sniffled and let your tears fall as your persona crumbled. He leaned forward in his bed, hands bracing you by holding your waist. One hand pulled away from you to remove the flowers from your grasp, discarding them to the side as he entirely focused on you.

The sobs escaped you involuntarily, you held your hand tight over your mouth to cover the noise and squeezed your eyes shut - the tears spilling out of them.

“I’m sorry- im sorry- i didnt-” you sucked air in sharply having lost all you had. “I dont wanna cry- i cant-”

You were pulled down to sit beside him, feeling his fingers run soothing patterns over your thigh as you cradled your face to cry in it. Matt shifted closer, wrapping his arms around your back to pull you to his chest.

It was awful. Sobbing like it had happened to you. Being comforted as if you deserved it.

“Shh, its okay.” he gently rocked you back and forth. “Please dont blame yourself. Im okay, i promise.”

He couldve been talking broadly - but you heard the depth of his words. There was a reason to blame yourself?

You wiped your tears, breaths hitching but softer.

“What do you mean?”

You pulled your head away from his shoulder to stare at him, watch the way his eyes widen and his words stutter in refusal to leave his mouth.

“Matt.” a warning tone, your head pulling back as if bracing yourself for something physical.

“Its nothing. Its just something you say-”

“But you meant it.” your breaths got out of your control once again, chest rising more rapidly. “Matt, how is this my fault?”

He swallowed deeply, breathing deeply.

“You-” he sighed. “You were supposed to pick me up. My car went to shit so you said you’d drive me home.”

The tears filled your waterline again before you could fully process what his words meant.

“I got an uber instead- a shitty one, obviously.” he chuckled. “We stopped suddenly, there was rain so wet roads; the other car didnt stop in time. Hit the side of our car, my side. Here i am.”

The muscles in your face tensed, tears streaming uncontrollably without you letting out a sound.

“Tell me youre lying. You have to be-”

Matt reached out for you, holding your face to look at him, his thumb wiping your tears as they fell.

“Its okay, i promise its okay-”

“But youre not! No youre not!”

You sobbed deeply and loudly, body failing to hold itself up out of guilt.

“You couldve died! You wouldve died and i wouldnt have even known it was my fault!” your cries grew louder. “Its all my fault.”

“Listen to me. Hey, listen.” he titled your head back at him, you were humiliated that he could see you like this - its what you wanted to avoid and hide from everyone for so so long.

“I didnt die. Dont be sad about something that couldve happened because it didnt. Im not upset with you. I dont blame you.”

“You fucking should.” you spat out.

“Well, i dont. I care about you. Just because you dont or you think i shouldnt care doesnt mean im gonna just stop. Okay?”

He nodded, forcing you to nod with him. He still kept his dog eyes, keeping his sympathy for you even if it irritated him how much hatred you could easily put towards yourself. He pressed his forehead to yours, breathing deeply to get you to mimic it. He kissed over your tears.

“Youre not allowed to this shit anymore.” his voice stayed calm. “You dont get to be rude to yourself okay, be mean to me. Im not going anywhere until you really want me to.”

“I dont want you away, i really dont.” you whispered and let a few more tears fall. “Im so mean, matt, im awful.”

He could only shake his head, his own tears running rivers down his face. “Dont.”

“I just wanna be good, i wanna be like you. I dont understand why you have to put up with someone like me.” you breath hitched in the middle of sobbing. “Youre perfect and i make everything worse.”

You met matts eyes with your sparkling ones.

“I almost killed you.”

He leaned down, shutting up your words with his lips against yours.

It was messy, hard for you to tell if his tears fell on you or your own were just being spread around. You recipcrocated it entirely. like you were trying to let matt eat your soul in return for the pain youd caused him. Your hands grabbed the side of his face to deepen the kiss.

He’d break the kiss to breathe quickly, returning as soon as he could as if you were his life line.

You finally pulled away properly, eyes now holding matts gaze.

“I love you. It doesnt matter to me if you dont think the same about yourself yet, because i feel it.” he sniffed, crying again. “I feel it so deeply. I can help you feel that for you too. Just dont shut me out anymore. please.”

©mi-co-uk

[mi-co-uk]

⸝⸝⸝ 𝐘𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐄𝐑 𝐌𝐀𝐓𝐓 𝐗 𝐀𝐕𝐎𝐈𝐃𝐀𝐍𝐓 𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐄𝐑 ⋆.˚🦢⋆

BLURB: intro - matt wants more than the sex, but is it worth losing you completely?

WARNINGS: smut !! not detailed but nsfw, angsty unreciprocated love, FWB type dynamic, male yearner final boss

barbed wire dividers by @bernardsbendystraws

wc: 350.

AU MASTERLIST // NAV // ALL AUS

it was hard to let go of it.

it was the only way he could have you.

the touching, the loving, the way you gave yourself to him in a way you would never in any other way. if that was all he could have he'd keep it. but he wanted more. he had your body and your trust but he yearned for your heart. the permanence, no matter how painful or taxing it could turn out to be.

it was always close to perfect until it ended.

the noises of relief and pleasure, how you gripped him tight, enclosing yourself in for a hold on reality. he would feel you everywhere, the way he couldn't any other occasion, pretending it wouldn't end as he pounded into you.

"tell me you're mine. all of you."

it didn't sound like begging, but it was.

you couldn't spit it out, overtaken with the tightening knot in your stomach until he slowed down his pace, practically forcing the phrase out of you. "mm- 'm yours."

"yeah baby? you belong to me?"

"nn- yes. 'm all yours. I need more- please please-"

he increased the pace, having made the most he could out of the moment. he couldn't hold it off for much longer.

you never failed to make him into an idiot. he'd barely cleaned you up, you were out of his bed, out of his reach already. pulling clothes back on yourself, fixing yourself as if it had been an evil deed, as if you hadn't wanted it.

he'd learnt that words didn't help. you'd just take longer to come back to him. he wanted to yell it all at you. he wanted to beg for a genuine glance, something more than lust. he needed you to love him. matt knew you needed him, but his burning for you was something entirely different. it was vital, the only thing fueling him enough to stay alive.

you were his exact perfect. and if your only flaw was your inability to love him, could he really blame you?

a/n I don't know how I feel about this :p

taglist:

everything taglist: @pair-of-pantaloons @oopsiedaisydeer @corspebridedelrey @browniepop62 @izzylovesmatt @michele-sturns @courta13 @sturns-mermaid @emely9274 @baebadoobee4ever @fw-lee @afr8idofrats @stvrniolotrxpl3ts @chrxsprettygirl @franticroads @m4gz-png @clairomatt @allisonclairee @mattshorsenecklace @whor3ing @matts-girlfriend @obsessedwiththesturniolos @shadowthesim237 @chrisslut04 @jetaimevous @eeyoresturnz @dolliraez @sugarraez @pizzapocketpocketpizza @sturnsira @pink1man @bbgirlmatt @fadedstvrn @sturnslutz @ribbonlovergirl @msvalsius @mattsfavoriteteddybear @sturnberries @jacsismattswife @tezzzzzzzz + all matt only taglist : @trulygentle @apersononearth011 + angst and fluff only taglist : @xeneasworld @auttysturnz @kayskreativeideas @franticroads

[mi-co-uk]

⸝⸝⸝ 𝐘𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐄𝐑 𝐌𝐀𝐓𝐓 𝐗 𝐀𝐕𝐎𝐈𝐃𝐀𝐍𝐓 𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐄𝐑 ⋆.˚🦢⋆

BLURB: "wish you were gay" - avoidant reader tells matt she isn't coming over anymore.

WARNINGS: erm getting stood up on a (kind of) date, implied fwb, angsty, relationship issues, yearningggggg.

this is part of my billie eilish writing marathon [here]

AU MASTERLIST // NAV // ALL AUS

wc: 500

barbed wire dividers by @bernardsbendystraws

a/n avoidant readers nickname is prim / primrose now btw 😛 inspo hunger games

“where are you?” his phone felt hollow in his hands, as far out of reach as she felt.

“I uh- i dont think i can make it.”

“How? You live down the street, its not far. Are you okay?”

There was barely a tone of voice for him to register, she was robotic, reluctant. 

“I just cant make it tonight matt.”

“W-we dont have to do anything-”

“Im not coming over.”

It was a step even further back in their complicated relationship. Being with her intimately had been fulfilling enough for the time being, he could hold her in his grasp. He could ignore the knowledge she wouldnt stay his. She was so far gone now, barely yards away, a few houses down but it felt as if she was now dismissive of matts existence.

But it was ridiculous - matt felt ridiculous in the feeling of betrayal setting in at the pit of his stomach. He shouldnt have expected anything less, shed made her boundaries clear - he just had hoped he meant a little more than she would let on. He didnt think that no matter what he did there was a chance he would lose her. 

“did i do something?”

“its not you, matt.”

“W-well thats just worse! If im not right or wrong then what, i mean nothing?”

“I just cant do tonight matt-”

“Its not a one time thing! Youve been ignoring my calls for four days and now the day you promised to come over, you wont.”

She sighed heavily, the weight of carrying himself felt unbearable, sitting himself down on his bedroom floor. 

“I wish i didnt want you over, but i do. I wish i was good enough for you, and im not- but i dont get why. I’ll change anything-”

“Thats the problem matt! Thats the fucking problem! I dont want a relationship, okay? ive said this. And today i dont want anything. Some days i do, but today i dont.” 

Matt clawed at his hair in frustration.

“It doesnt make it any easier when i know you want more than i can manage. Its too much and i cant handle it. Id be a shit girlfriend for you matt.”

His heart was full of want, need. He was desperate for anything, he didnt care about a lack of intimacy, but he wanted her with him. Meaningless to her as it could be, it meant the world to him. She meant the world to him.

“I want to be there for you. In any way.”

“I know matt. But i dont need it.”

He stopped himself begging once more, he didnt want to be pathetic as much as he knew he was. 

“another day?”

“yeah. yeah, ill let you know when.”

“okay” he let out a long sigh.

“‘m sorry i cant be what you want, matt.”

he sighed heavily before responding, “the problem is that youre exactly what i want.” he didnt let the silence hang for long. “goodnight, prim.”

“night, matt.”

a/n extra huge sigh

[mi-co-uk]

small drabble on the party that yearner matt and avoidant reader met, what happened?

how did she react when matt reached out again?

btw I'M SO EXCITED!! your au's are literally one of my favs

⸝⸝⸝ 𝐘𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐄𝐑 𝐌𝐀𝐓𝐓 𝐗 𝐀𝐕𝐎𝐈𝐃𝐀𝐍𝐓 𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐄𝐑 ⋆.˚🦢⋆

WARNINGS: mentions of + implied sex but nothing else

wc: 450

a/n changed my initial idea of how it happened lols I hope you enjoy <3

barbed wire dividers by @bernardsbendystraws

AU MASTERLIST // NAV // ALL AUS

She remembered the way he looked nervous, lips parted like he wanted to say something that never ended up leaving his mind. Hes been stuck that way since they met.

Prim never figured out why she let him in. maybe it was the ways his eyes were glued to her, maybe it was his scent - and the way he stayed close enough that she could smell it the whole night. Maybe it was the fact she didnt have to tell him that she wanted him there.

Matt pulled her away when the music was too loud, spoke in conversations for her when she couldnt. It was too easy, together at the party start to finish and he treated her the best she’d ever been.

It was barely a question when he offered to take her home. She barely thought when she invited him inside.

His warmth didnt press into her when she woke up. She wasnt trapped - it was comfort. The sun shone over the two of them in approval, warming them and watching over in guidance as if theyd done something holy.

Now she had to wait. For it to go wrong, for him to say the wrong thing and make the whole night meaningless.

“You okay?” his morning voice snapped her out of her thoughts. In surprise, she could only nod in response.

“Did you want me to go?” he began sitting up, noticing her closed off body language he removed his arm that had been holding her through sleep.

“I um, if you want to.” she tripped over her words, closing her mouth tightly as if to correct herself from even attempting to speak.

“I dont wanna overstay my welcome.” he shifted off the side of her bed to start clothing himself.

Prim shut herself off. She couldnt tell whether she wanted him to be behaving that way or not.

“I dont really know what im doing.” she was immediately embarrassed to have admitted. Matt peered over his shoulder. “Ive never done something like this before.” she continued.

“Doesnt have to stay something like this.”

Her eyebrows furrowed lightly in confusion.

“I liked the talking.” matt reasoned with her, eyes locked on hers to keep her in the moment. “I liked the not talking too.” he laughed.

When she remained unresponsive when he stood up, zipping up his jeans and fixing his hair.

Matt breathed deeply, his turn to feel like hed fucked everything up.

“Can i give you my number?”

He formed a sideways smile at her question, pulling out his phone from his back pocket.

It wasnt supposed to be just for sex, but turns out thats all she knew how to do.

a/n i try not to self project challenge GO 💔