𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘦𝘳 𝘤𝘩𝘳𝘪𝘴 𝘹 𝘯𝘦𝘳𝘥 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘳
content: after making his biggest mistake yet, chris yearns fully and utterly for a girl out of reach until now.
warnings: lowkey stalker chris, mentions of drugs / overdose, mentions of attempted suicide, kissing, this is just a fic full of yearning — set after this fic, but can be read seperately , inspo from this :>
wc: 2.1k
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(— line dividers by @chrisssiren )
Sore. His heart was sore from her absence and the hand he had in it, his face was sore from the bruises.
A part of him wanted them to somehow scar. A permanent reminder of what he caused.
Why did he care so much? She was a random girl and it wasn't like no one had ever taken pills to kill themselves before. His own pills had probably killed someone already - not that he could know for sure, because it's not his business.
Chris sells to people he hates, likes, people who are perfect, people who are assholes - it just doesn't matter. He does his job and tries not to dwell on it because he can't afford to.
Sunny had formed a room in his mind. Following him around like she had actually passed away and turned into an angel on his shoulder.
Same days he felt like a fucking creep, constantly thinking about a girl he no longer had anything to do with. But she was so constant - more consistent than any thought or emotion he had felt.
Eventually he realised he craved her.
Walking around hoping to bump into her, wanting her to just appear there for him - whether to punch him, ignore him or let him treat her right, he didn't care. He’d become secure in the idea his purpose was to protect her, ignoring how badly he’d failed at that so far.
Chris smoked in the alleys opposite from the school entrance. Watch how some days her brother would drive her home, bus other days and reluctantly walk home the rest of the days. He imagined himself intervening but never did.
It became routine for Chris to find a bench he knew she had to pass on the opposite side of the street, all of this just so he could remember she existed outside of his mind.
He was desperate for a glance, her to know he was looking out for her. A part of him was relieved that she never did, afraid she’d find the opposite of comfort in it.
When she was out of sight, he’d sit with his thoughts. A mix of praying for a different life and reminding himself that this was his punishment.
“Hi,” she spoke softly, Chris whipped his head to the side to see her, not having noticed her walk towards him.
He felt the most exposed he ever had been, interrupted from his staring at the other side of the street while he smoked, waiting to see the girl who now stood to the side of him.
He felt caught - hoping that she wouldn’t realise why he had been sat there.
Chris cleared his throat, “Hey,” trying to act casual, straightening his back when he processed himself hunching over.
“Are you um, waiting for someone?” Sunny gestured towards the space on the bench next to him.
He shut his mouth realising it was partially agape - behaving as if he'd had the first sighting of a real life angel, which was obviously the exact way it felt for him, having her so close to him after so long. Chris shook his head, taking a drag to calm his nerves and gesturing to offer her the space next to him. His movements were growing smoother and more confident despite how he felt.
She sat herself down, staring at her lap and fiddling with the hem of her clothing, itching to speak but not yet scratching it. Chris felt the exact same way.
“Im,” she breathed to calm her nerves. “Im sorry about my brother.”
He looked over to her, noticing the glassy sheen of a heartbreaking mix of guilt and sympathy over her eyes.
“It’s fine, I deserved it anyway,” caring more than he wanted to admit out loud but revealing himself anyway.
She seemed completely shocked by his words. “What? No you didn’t-”
“You could've died.”
“And I wanted to. I don't think you give a sanity check to everyone you sell pills to.”
“That doesn't matter. My pills, your injury, I get punched in the face.”
“So, we’re even.” she stated gently, an amount of joy and calm in her voice that Chris couldn't understand.
“What?”
“I forgive you. I-if you were wondering.” she watched his body tense up all apart from his eyes. He stared kindly like it was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for him - like he needed it. “I don't think you should have to be forgiven but, if that's what you need then I forgive you.”
Chris stayed quiet, processing the fact that it was exactly what he wanted to hear, despite not feeling like he deserved it. He faced forwards, taking another drag and breathing deeply.
Sunny slowly stood up, wondering if she had pushed too far and made the conversation weird. She brushed off her clothes to make sure she looked okay, grabbing her bag from the side of her.
Chris only looked up at her when she walked away, eyes meeting hers when she turned back to check if he was looking. She gave a small smile as she kept walking, which Chris unwillingly mirrored.
He needed her more now than ever before.
Matt and Nick were talking, Chris wasn't listening.
“And we can get there for 7 and- Nick, he’s not fucking listening.” Chris hadn't even noticed the conversation turning to him.
His brothers stared at him intently, waiting for him to look up and notice.
“Jesus, what the fuck?” when he did look up, their focused gazes made him nearly jump out of his skin.
“We’re talking to you, Chris, are you dumb?” Nick spat out, wanting this conversation over with just a little more than Chris did.
“What's wrong with you?” Matt spoke slightly more gently, watching the way his brother pushed at his forehead to relieve his headache.
“Doesnt matter.”
“Chris.” Nick ordered.
He sighed, rolling his eyes but following orders anyway. “I sold a girl some pills and she tried to kill herself with them. Almost died and it's my fault.”
“That was you?” words fell out louder than Matt had intended.
“Yes and I feel like shit already, you don't need to make it worse.”
“Okay wait, how is it your fault?” Nick began his attempt to use logic to comfort his brother. “She wanted them and you sold them. you didn't know she was gonna use it for that.”
Matt vocalised his agreement with Nick while Chris worked up the courage to give away the last piece of detail, making it more definitively his fault.
“She told me she needed enough to kill someone.”
“Okay, youre just a fucking idiot.” Nick laughed from both confusion and to relieve the tension building up in his body.
“She had fucking bruises, I thought it was for someone else!”
Chris had turned the conversation into silence, a moral dilemma shutting everyone up. A part of him was glad for the silence, until Matt broke it.
“Why don't you talk to her? And you could- and he’s walking away.”
The rain was hammering down and Sunny was late.
Chris had parked opposite to the school entrance, waiting to catch a glimpse of her but ending up enduring the irritating choir of people leaving classes laughing and talking, as if they were vaguely interesting. He was growing concerned on her whereabouts until he saw her running out the doors, art book in hand.
She sprinted down the street, making Chris wince in preparation as she seemingly didn't care of the likelihood she could slip from the wet concrete. Raincoat held over her head as if she hadn't had the chance to put it on properly. she ran but had to watch the bus leave the stop before she could get remotely close.
A frown formed on her face, turning into a gasp when she realised how soaked her sketchbook had got. She hurriedly covered the book with her coat, letting herself get hit by the rain and looking like a sad abandoned wet dog.
He watched intently, forgetting he could be looked at too.
When she met his eyes, his whole body flamed up. He let them hold the gaze for a moment, conflicting thoughts on what to do. Her eyes seemed to silently beg.
With the car window down, he gestured his head to the side to signal her to cross the street to get to him. Chris leaned over the console to open the passenger when she got close, meeting Sunny's eyes as she climbed in.
“You good?” he spoke out despite the lump in his throat.
“Yeah, um, sorry i-”
“Dont worry about it.” he comforted, earning a small smile from her. “Your book thing okay?”
“Oh! Yeah, it's okay, I just didn't wanna ruin it walking home,” she laughed.
“It's okay, I get it. I owe you anyway.” he finally returned her smile, still a little unsure of himself.
It was unlike him to laugh, the sound foreign as it slipped out.
On the drive to her house, Sunny unknowingly demonstrated her ability to fully relieve the tension in his body. Talking about nothing and everything at the same time, giving Chris glimpses of parts of her life that he didn't know about. The life of hers that he wanted so badly to be involved in.
His heart broke a little when they reached her house.
“Did you wanna come in?” until she managed to fix it all over again.
“I, what about your brother?”
“Not home.” Her eyes begged again, a small waiting smile as she blinked up at him like he meant something. “You owe me, you said so.”
“Yeah,” he spoke softly, watching her smile grow when he answered, “Okay.”
Sunny was nervous as she let him into the house, hoping she remembered correctly that she didn't leave her room in a mess.
She explained the various rooms, essentially walking him upstairs. This type of routine wasn't new for Chris. However, he was sure he knew what type of girl Sunny was, and that wasn't the message she was intending to send.
The door opened to her clean room - Sunny invited him in, almost proud of her space.
Chris hadn't had time to notice the scattered details when he was there before, trinkets that were so fully Sunny that he wished he could permanently be in her space.
“I have a question.” she spoke softly as he scanned her room, interrupting his thoughts. “Have you, um, been following me?”
He was taken back by the question. It wasn't an exact yes but he couldn't fully say no.
Sunny walked to place her belongings on her desk and herself on her bed, letting Chris decide whether to lie or not.
“I don't follow you, I just- Watch.”
“I just wanna know why.” She invited him to sit next to her.
“I guess I just felt bad.” he rested his head back on the headboard, hiding from her eye contact.
“You really don't need to feel bad.” she frowned, eyes magnetising his as they met each other’s again. “I’m okay.”
In the second between his next action, he felt like his soul might burn and die if he didn't close the gap between them. Chris leaned forward, hand gentle as it held her face. His lips met hers, moving to hold the back of her neck and deepen the kiss once she’d reciprocated it.
Just the kiss was enough for Chris to know he could die happy - having been deemed worthy enough by Sunny to share that with her. Then he remembered who he was, and what he’d done - breaking the kiss and taking the opportunity to stare into her eyes.
“Why’d you stop?” her sad voice felt like a punch to the gut, but that he would've preferred.
“I’m sorry.”
“Why though?”
“I’m not good, I can't be good for you.”
“Please don't say this is about the pills-”
“It’s everything. You should be safe.”
“It's just a kiss.” Chris wasn’t sure whether her words hurt or helped. “We don't have to figure anything out right now.”
He hesitated. This clearly meant a whole different thing to Chris than her, but he was definitely going to take anything he could get when it came to her. He previously thought he was doomed to watch her live on after he almost killed her, but now she was staring up at him, waiting for another kiss.
“Can I kiss you again?” Sunny smiled widely in response.
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