#avoidant reader

[mi-co-uk]

1st October ⋆ read here

─── dealer chris x nerd reader (part one) : sunny gets kidnapped.

2nd October ⋆ read here

─── criminal matt x princess reader : matt is an asshole when he's high.

8th October ⋆ read here

─── mute reader x yapper chris : dottys bullies test if she can scream for help.

9th October ⋆ read here

─── eeyore matt x piglet reader : matt tells pink why he's the way he is - origin story/flashback.

15th October ⋆ read here

─── mute reader x grumpy matt : dotty has to get help from someone she has a dark past with when matt abandons her.

16th October ⋆ read here

─── crybaby reader x yearner chris : bee loses her mind when she gets lost in the woods.

22nd October ⋆ read here

─── yearner matt x avoidant reader : matt gets into a car accident.

23rd October ⋆ read here

─── geek reader x casanova chris : chris is a liar and humiliates bug in front of his friends.

29th October ⋆ read here

─── curvy reader x loverboy matt : matt doesnt show up when cherry needs him the most.

30th October ⋆ read here

─── dealer chris x nerd reader (part two) : chris rescues sunny but now she's afraid of him.

comment 🚩 to be tagged in ALL angstober works !!

— you will get tagged if you are already in my taglist c:

©mi-co-uk

[fulljudgement]

He heard the shuffling of clothes before the sun even broke through the dawn. Hurried, but stiff, detached movements. The spot beside him was still warm, and the pillow smelled like your shampoo. He’d never tell you that he didn’t have the gall to wash it every time you left. You were ready to bound off at any moment, leaving him deserted. He wanted a little keepsake before that.

“Goin’ so soon?” Graves asks, a smirk plastered on his face as he watched you root around his room, already dressed in your undergarments and hoodie. Your pants, though? That was a mystery. He hoped the floor had swallowed them whole, to keep you here.

“I got things to do tomorrow.”

“I’d be more than happy to be that.”

You scoffed, finding your jeans and sitting on the edge of the bed to get them on, though the actions were delayed. The roads were still messy, and nobody would be out for hours anyways. He reached out, running his fingers along your spine, pushing your hoodie up a little bit, getting one more glance at your skin. His thumb ran over a little mark.

The first time he had brought you to bed, it had been in a hotel room, as usual for his hookups. But then he wanted more, so he went back to the bar you guys met in at first, and brought you to his house. And he kept bringing you to his house. Again, and again, and again, hoping you’d stay till the morning, or at least stay in his arms long enough for his adrenaline to wind down.

You never did. You were always gone a few minutes after, dissipating like cigarette smoke in the air. Bitter, so fleeting, and damaging.

“C’mon, sweetpea,” He murmured against your skin, still laying on the bed, propped on his elbows. But he had dropped the charm, the flirting, trying to lure you in. “‘m being serious. Just one night.”

Graves pressed his cheek against your shoulder, watching and waiting for you to turn around. When you finally looked down at him, he swam in your irises, tense muscles loosening, and his heart slowing. Your perfume… he wanted it on his clothes, for the bottle to be on his dresser, and your body wash in his shower, and you in his kitchen, in a big t-shirt, humming old country—he wanted you. And he had it…

But then your brow twitched, and you stood up, away from his touch, and he lost his support. It was a little embarrassing for him to stumble slightly, his weight going back on his elbows.

“I’ll see you later, Phil.”

You walked out of his bedroom, still buttoning your jeans. Your belt hadn’t even been fully pulled through the loops, but you were gone.

His forehead fell against his arms, listening as you padded down the steps, a pause as you put in your shoes, before opening the door and shutting it. Your car started, the headlights illuminating through the window before pulling away, casting shadows before dissipating completely. Gone.

“Sweetpea…” he sighed.

next part

[zeegaazeegaah]

Static

Pairing: 2021 Chelsea era! Mason Mount x Reader

Synopsis: You’ve spent almost a year making yourself invisible. He spent that same year learning exactly where to look.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

Genre: Angst, Fluff, Avoidant Reader, Pining, Workplace Intimacy and he knows exactly what he is doing

Word Count: 11.5k

The thing about working in media at a football club is that you become very good at being invisible, and that’s what you’d told yourself when you took the job, fresh out of uni, practically vibrating with anxiety on your first day at Cobham. You weren’t a player. You weren’t a coach. You were the person who drafted the press releases, managed the post-match interview schedule, and made sure nobody said anything catastrophically stupid on camera. You were invisible, functional, and doing well, and it had been fine, for almost a full year, until Mason Mount decided to notice you.

It started because of a microphone. Post-training press availability, a Tuesday in February. You were setting up in the media room, wrestling with a lapel mic that kept cutting out, when the door swung open twenty minutes too early.

“Sorry– thought this was–” He stopped.

You looked up, and immediately looked back down, because looking at Mason Mount directly felt a bit like looking at the sun if the sun had very nice eyes and also made you forget basic grammar.

“Press availability isn’t until three,” you said to the microphone.

“Right.” He didn’t leave.

You could feel him watching you fiddle with the cable, the silence stretching, your face doing something terrible that you could feel without being able to stop it.

“You’re the new press one, yeah?” he asked.

“I’ve been here eleven months.”

A beat. “The relatively new press one.”

Something about the way he said it gently, a little amused and not unkind really made you glance up despite yourself. He was leaning in the doorway, arms crossed, still in his training kit, with a small smile on his face.

“Y/N,” you said. “I’m Y/N.”

“I know,” he said simply, and then someone called his name from down the corridor and he was gone, leaving you sitting there with a broken microphone and the distinct feeling that something had just started that you were completely unprepared for.

You were desperately aware of the professional line. He was a player, you were staff, and your entire job depended on being neutral and unremarkable. Crushes were not in the press officer job description. He seemed to find your awkwardness genuinely interesting rather than off-putting, which was somehow so much worse, because you were used to people looking past you and you didn’t have a script for someone who looked at you. You filed it all away under inconvenient and got on with your job.

The second time, it was after a home win –2-0, he’d assisted both– and you were running the mixed zone, clipboard in hand, trying to direct traffic and make eye contact with precisely no one. He stopped in front of you instead of the cameras.

“You never watch the matches,” he said, not accusatory, just observational, like he’d been paying attention.

Your stomach did something inconvenient. “I watch the feed. In the media suite.”

“Not the same.”

“I know.”

He looked at you for a moment with that quiet, evaluating look you were already starting to recognise, then stepped toward the cameras. But right before he reached the journalists, he glanced back. “You should watch sometime. Proper watch.”

You wrote call about Thursday’s presser on your clipboard and absolutely did not think about it for the rest of the evening, which is to say you thought about it the entire evening.

-----

The away trip to Paris was not supposed to be a big deal, which is what your manager Diane had said when she handed you the travel itinerary –not a big deal, just a pre-season friendly, good experience for you– and you had nodded and smiled and then gone to the bathroom and stood very still for a moment, because it was in fact a very big deal to you specifically, given that you had never done an overnight trip with the squad before and were already mentally cataloguing every possible way you could embarrass yourself between London and France. The running total, so far: forgetting your press credentials, which you’d checked four times; saying something incoherent to a journalist, which felt probable; tripping in front of a camera, which was fifty-fifty; and doing something mortifying in front of Mason Mount, which was the new entry, recently added, and brought the total to four.

You boarded the coach to the airport with your head down, laptop bag clutched to your chest like a shield, and found a seat near the back next to Priya from social media, who was already on her phone and didn’t require conversation. You had your headphones in before the engine started and you did not look up when the players filed on, absolutely did not notice when someone sat down in the aisle seat two rows ahead and stretched his legs out and laughed at something Thomas Tuchel’s assistant said, and if you put your brightness down and stared at your spreadsheet with the focus of someone defusing a bomb, that was simply because you had a lot of work to do.

The flight was fine. The hotel check-in was fine. The pre-match media setup was genuinely fine, and for approximately three hours you felt like a competent adult professional person who had everything under control. And then you walked into a glass door.

Not through it –you didn’t break it, you weren’t injured, it was frankly the tamest possible version of this type of incident– but you had been speed-walking through the hotel lobby with your lanyard in one hand and a coffee in the other and the door had been more closed than anticipated and you’d walked face-first into it with a flat, resonant thunk that turned approximately six heads.

You stood there for a second. The door was fine. You were fine. Your coffee had survived. Your dignity had not. Okay, you thought, very calmly. Okay. That happened. That is something that just happened in the physical world and cannot be unhappened. Great. Wonderful. You pushed the door open correctly this time and walked through it with your chin up, because what else were you going to do, and you were almost in the clear when you heard it — a laugh, quick and surprised and genuine, not cruel, which somehow made it worse. You turned your head approximately three degrees, just enough to confirm what you already knew in your soul, and yes. Obviously. Of course. Mason Mount was standing by the lift with Ben Chilwell, hand over his mouth, shoulders shaking, and his eyes met yours and he held up both hands immediately –I’m sorry, I’m sorry– still laughing, mouthing something that looked like are you okay?

You gave him a thumbs up.

You turned and walked away at a pace that you hoped looked purposeful and not like the physical manifestation of wanting to be absorbed into the floor.

You avoided the lobby for the rest of the afternoon, which was professionally complicated given that your job required you to be in it at several points, but you managed through careful timing and a secondary route through the hotel restaurant that added four minutes to every journey and was absolutely worth it. By the time the pre-match dinner was underway in the hotel’s private function room you’d almost convinced yourself it wasn’t that bad. People walked into doors. It was a human thing. Probably he’d forgotten about it already.

“Seat taken?”

You looked up from your pasta.

Mason Mount was standing across the table from you, holding a plate, nodding at the empty chair directly opposite. The function room was busy –players, staff, coaching team, a few journalists from the approved pool– and there were other seats available. Several. Quite a few, actually.

“No,” you said, because what else were you going to say.

He sat down. You looked at your pasta. He ate in silence for a moment, and you thought — hoped — that maybe this was just a proximity thing, just a seat, no significance, absolutely —

“For the record,” he said, “the door was basically invisible. Very poor design.”

You looked up despite yourself. He had a completely straight face, but his eyes were doing the thing, the warm and slightly amused thing that you had already against your will catalogued and filed away and thought about more than once.

“I’ve seen it happen loads of times,” he continued, very seriously. “At least twice this year alone.”

“You’re being nice,” you said.

“I’m being honest.”

“They’re not mutually exclusive.”

Something shifted in his expression — small, quick, like you’d surprised him — and he tilted his head slightly. “Fair point,” he said.

Silence again, but different now, less like a gap and more like something taking up space on purpose. You ate a forkful of pasta. He poured water into his glass and then, without asking, into yours. You stared at your glass and told yourself: normal thank you, regular volume, like a person.

“Thanks,” you said. Normal. Fine. Good.

“So do you actually like this?” he asked. “The away trips.”

You considered lying — love them, great, brilliant — because that felt like the smooth and professional answer, and then you thought about how he’d said I know when you told him your name, like he’d been paying attention long before you’d noticed, and something about that made dishonesty feel like the wrong currency.

“I find them a bit overwhelming,” you said, to your pasta. “Lots of people. Lots of moving parts. I’m better when I know exactly what’s happening.” You added, quickly, in case it sounded like complaining, “But the work part I like. I’m good at the work part.”

“Yeah,” he said, like it wasn’t news to him. “You are.”

Your fork stopped moving. You didn’t look up, because you had a strong instinct that if you did your face was going to do something you couldn’t diplomatically explain, so you just sat there with it suspended over a piece of penne while Mason Mount ate his dinner across from you like he hadn’t just said something that was going to live in your head for no reasonable amount of time.

The thing was — the thing was that you were very used to being competent and overlooked. It was a comfortable arrangement. You did the work, the work got done, nobody particularly noticed. And he kept noticing, quietly and consistently, without fanfare, like it was just a thing he did, and you didn’t have a section in your mental filing system for that.

You ate your pasta. He said something to the physio on his left and laughed at the response, and you watched him for exactly one second — the way he laughed with his whole face, the easy way he had with people — and then looked firmly back at your food. Your phone buzzed, Diane asking for tomorrow’s schedule confirmation, and you answered immediately, grateful for the task, and spent the rest of dinner looking at your screen. But when you left, he said night, Y/N — just that, quiet, like it was easy — and you made it all the way to the lift before you let yourself close your eyes for a second. It had been a seat, probably. Nothing more than a seat. You took the stairs back to your floor and told yourself that twice.

The match was at nine PM and you knew this. You had written this, it was on the schedule you’d drafted and printed and laminated and distributed in three different formats, and yet somehow at 8:47 PM you were in the wrong corridor — not slightly wrong, comprehensively and architecturally wrong, the kind of wrong that suggested you had taken a turn approximately four decisions ago that had nothing to do with the media pen and everything to do with the fact that you’d been following the sound of crowd noise like a confused pigeon and had ended up somehow outside the away dressing room. The door was open. You spun around so fast your lanyard smacked you in the face.

“SORRY —” you said, to nobody, to the wall, to God, to whatever cosmic force had decided this trip was your villain origin story, and then you walked very quickly in the opposite direction and didn’t stop until you found a stairwell where you stood alone and pressed your back against the cold concrete and did a brief silent scream into your own scarf.

Your radio crackled. Diane’s voice. “Y/N, we need you in the media pen, kick off in ten.”

“Yep,” you said, into the radio, with incredible calm. “On my way.”

The match, at least, was good. Chelsea won 3-1 and Mason got the third — a low, precise drive from the edge of the box that made the journalists around you actually react, which journalists almost never did because they considered visible emotion unprofessional. You considered visible emotion unprofessional too, which was why you wrote goal, 79’, Mount very neatly in your notes and did not do anything embarrassing with your face.

Post-match mixed zone, and this was your territory. You moved through it with purpose — directing, coordinating, stepping in when someone asked a question heading somewhere diplomatically unfortunate, steering it away with the practiced efficiency of someone who’d learned very quickly that footballers and microphones were a combination that required management. You were good at this. You were calm at this, right up until Mason finished his camera interview, turned around, and walked directly into you. His shoulder caught yours, your clipboard went one way, your pen went another, and you made a sound — a genuinely involuntary sound, a sort of startled oh! — and grabbed the nearest stable thing, which was his arm, and let go immediately, record timing.

“Sorry — sorry, that was me, I was in the —” you started.

“No, that was me, I wasn’t looking —” he said at the same time.

A beat. He looked at you. You looked at him. He was still in his kit, slightly sweaty from the match, close enough that you had to make a conscious decision about where exactly to look, which your brain handled by suggesting perhaps the middle distance, which meant you were basically staring at his collarbone, which was not better.

“You okay?” he asked.

“Completely fine,” you said, to his collarbone.

He bent down, picked up your clipboard, and handed it back, your fingers touching briefly when you took it. You wrote nothing in your mental filing system about that because there was nothing to write.

“Good match,” you managed.

“Yeah?” He was doing the thing again, the looking thing. “You watched?”

“I was literally standing ten metres away.”

“You had your head down for most of it.”

You opened your mouth, then closed it. He was right, you had been looking at your notes, it was your job to look at your notes — but the fact that he’d clocked it, that he’d been aware of where your eyes were from the pitch while playing a professional football match, made your brain make a noise like a dial-up connection.

“I multitask,” you said finally.

He smiled — slow, a little devastating — and someone called his name from across the zone. He held your gaze for just a beat longer than necessary before he turned away, and you looked down at your clipboard to find you had written absolutely nothing useful for the last four minutes.

The coach back to the hotel left at midnight. You got on early, window seat, third row, headphones in, a buffer seat between you and the aisle filled with your bag, because you had learned from this morning. The players filed on gradually, loud and happy with the particular looseness of a team after a win, and you watched your phone screen with great concentration until the seat next to your bag dipped.

You looked up. Mason raised his eyebrows at your bag.

“Sorry —” you grabbed it immediately, shoving it onto your lap, and sat there with it pressed against your chest like a very awkward carry-on while he settled into the seat beside you, and internally you were asking why — there are so many seats, Ben Chilwell is right there, you are friends with Ben Chilwell, you chose this one specifically, why did you choose this one —

“You don’t have to hold your bag like that,” he said. “You can just put it in your lap normally.”

“This is normally.”

He looked at the bag, at your hands gripping the strap like it might escape. “Right,” he said, and looked out the window, and you could see the reflection of him almost-smiling in the glass. You let go of the strap, slowly, casually, like you had meant to do that all along.

The coach pulled out of the stadium and outside was Paris at midnight, lit up and thoughtless and beautiful in the way cities are beautiful when you’re tired and slightly off-balance and sitting next to someone whose arm is almost touching yours. Almost. You were acutely and embarrassingly aware of the almost.

“Can I ask you something?” he said.

No, said your entire nervous system. “Sure,” said your mouth.

“Why do you always look like you’re waiting for something to go wrong?”

You turned to look at him properly for the first time all night. He was watching you with that same evaluating calm, and the question wasn’t mean or pointed — it was just honest, the way he kept being honest in this inconvenient and disarming way that you had no defensive strategy for.

“Statistically,” you said instead of deflecting, “something usually does.”

“Like today.”

“I walked into a door and then a person in the same twelve-hour period.”

“The door was badly designed.”

“You said that already.”

“Still true.”

The streetlights were sliding past the window in long orange stripes and somewhere behind you Reece James was telling a story that was making half the coach laugh. The seat was warm and his shoulder was an inch from yours.

“Does it help?” he asked. “Waiting for it.”

You considered the question genuinely, which you hadn’t expected to do. “No,” you admitted. “But it means I’m not surprised when it happens.”

He was quiet for a moment. “That sounds exhausting,” he said, not with pity but like he was saying something true.

Your throat did something you refused to acknowledge. “It’s fine,” you said. “I’m used to it.”

“Being exhausted?”

“Being —” you paused. Careful. “Prepared.”

He turned his head to look at you then, and you were looking at him, and the coach hit a bump in the road that knocked your shoulder directly into his and neither of you moved away after. The almost became something else. You both looked forward, out at the Paris night, and said nothing, and the silence had that quality again, the kind that wasn’t empty but full and pressing and patient. Your heart did something it would file a complaint about later.

This is fine, you thought. This is completely fine. You are a professional. You are invisible. You are —

His little finger brushed yours on the armrest. Barely. Could’ve been accidental, probably was accidental, and he didn’t move it, and you didn’t move yours, and you stared out the window at Paris and breathed very carefully and thought about absolutely nothing at all for the rest of the journey.

Three weeks passed. You didn’t speak about the coach and neither did he, and somehow that felt less like avoidance and more like an agreement — a thing held carefully between you, too new to name. You worked. You were professional. You were, as always, fine. And then it was a Friday morning.

-----

The story broke on a Friday, and not a rumour this time, not a blurry photo with a question mark caption — a proper, sourced, photographed story, Mason Mount Confirms Romance with Model Isla Reeves, with a red carpet photo from some charity event the night before, her hand on his chest, both of them smiling, and a quote from his representative that said Mason and Isla have been seeing each other for a few weeks and are very happy.

Very happy.

You read it at 7:51 AM on your phone in your car in the Cobham car park, engine still running, and you sat with it for a moment the way you sometimes sat with a work email that required a careful response — reading it twice, making sure you’d understood correctly, giving it the appropriate weight — and then you turned your engine off, put your phone in your bag, and went to work.

You were, professionally, the first person in the building who needed to have a position on this, and that was the thing about your job that you had always found clarifying: when something happened, you didn’t get to feel it first. You got to respond to it first, and feeling it came later, quietly, in your own time, in your own space, in a way that affected nobody and changed nothing about the quality of your work. By 9 AM you had drafted a brief internal note — player’s personal life, not club business, no comment required — and sent it to Diane, who replied with a single agreed, good and that was that. By 10 AM three journalists had called and you handled them pleasantly and said nothing useful to any of them. By 11 am Priya had appeared in your doorway with two coffees and an expression that was trying very hard to be neutral.

“I saw,” you said, before she could speak. “It’s not a club matter. We’re not commenting.”

“Y/N.” Her voice was gentle in a way you didn’t particularly want it to be right now. “I’m not here about the press line.”

You looked at her. She looked at you.

“I’m fine,” you said.

Priya had known you for eleven months. She had watched you walk into a glass door in Paris and give a thumbs up and compose yourself in under thirty seconds. She knew exactly what your fine meant. She picked up her coffee, said “Okay,” and left, and you turned back to your screen and said fine to yourself, and meant it more aggressively than usual.

You didn’t see him until the afternoon, having been half-braced for it all day in the way you were braced for things; not obviously, not in a way anyone would notice, just a low-level readiness in your shoulders that had been there since 7:51 AM. When it happened it was exactly as undramatic as it should have been: you were crossing the main corridor outside the training analysis suite, he was coming the other way with Jorginho, and you met in the middle.

“Afternoon,” you said, pleasantly, the same way you said it to everyone.

“Hey.” Something moved across his face, brief and searching. “You alright?”

“Great, thanks. Good session?”

“Yeah —”

“Good. Enjoy your evening.”

And you were gone. Forty-two steps to the media suite. You counted. You sat down at your desk, opened your laptop, and stared at the screen for a moment, then started typing with fingers that were completely steady, because you were fine.

That night, alone in your flat, you allowed yourself exactly one hour, which was a system you’d developed in your early twenties for things you couldn’t afford to carry around — grief, disappointment, embarrassment, the specific sadness of something that hadn’t even been a thing, technically, and therefore had no real right to feel like a loss. You made pasta. You put a film on that you didn’t watch. You sat on your sofa with your knees to your chest and let yourself feel the full, quiet weight of it, and you were honest with yourself during the hour, because there was no point otherwise.

The thing was that nothing had happened. You knew that. There had been a coach in Paris and some lingering looks and a water glass refilled without asking and a finger that had maybe, possibly, brushed yours in the dark. That was the complete inventory. That was the whole of it. It was nothing. It had felt like something, but it was nothing, and he was now very happy with a woman who had 800,000 followers and a face that photographers loved, and that was how it was, and you were going to be fine because you were always fine.

The hour ended. You washed your bowl, turned off the film, went to bed. In the morning you were going to be completely okay. You had decided.

-----

The decision held, and the thing about when you made a decision was that you committed, because the same rigidity that made social situations feel like a practical exam meant that once you’d set a course, you stayed on it. No wobbling. No revisiting. Forward.

So: forward. You bought a new work blazer, which was perhaps not a necessary step but felt symbolically appropriate. You accepted an invitation to Priya’s friend’s birthday drinks, which you normally would have declined. You were present. You were socially available. Three weeks after the story broke, you met Daniel at a media industry event — a sports journalist, easy smile, the kind of person who was comfortable at events like this in a way you’d never fully understood — and he found you by the drinks table and said you looked like someone assessing threat levels, which was accurate, and he asked for your number at the end of the night with the straightforward confidence of someone who didn’t make it complicated. On the train home you thought: good. This is good. This is exactly right. You almost believed it.

The problem was that Daniel was… obviously a journalist but also a sports one… meant you had to disclose it to Diane, and you did it that same afternoon, clean and professional. She said: “As long as there’s no conflict of interest on club matters, it’s your business. Just be sensible.” “Always,” you said, and left her office feeling organised and sensible and forward.

You turned the corner and nearly walked into Mason.

His hand caught your elbow for barely a second and you both stepped back, the corridor suddenly too narrow, a small collision of sorry and no, I before a beat of quiet stretched between you. He’d come from training, hair still a bit damp, and there was a tiredness around his eyes that hadn’t been there before Paris — or maybe it had been, and you’d only learned to read him well enough to see it now, which was its own problem.

“You’re in a rush,” he said.

“Always.” Your standard line. Safe.

He nodded slowly, his eyes moving over your face in that way, reading the page, and you held yourself very still because you’d gotten good at still.

“You look well,” he said, careful, like he was testing the temperature of something.

“Thank you.” Perfectly pleasant. Perfectly level. Something shifted in his expression –brief, complicated, gone– and he stepped aside to let you pass. You walked away. Thirty-eight steps this time. You’d gotten faster.

-----

It was a Tuesday in April when you had three deadlines and a 4 pm call with a journalist who always ran over and a sad desk sandwich that had gone slightly warm.

You were eating the sandwich when he knocked.

The media suite was empty, as it usually was by 6 pm, everyone having the reasonable instinct to go home, and you had stayed because you had the call and then the deadlines and absolutely no other reason. Mason knocked on the open door, and you looked up to find him still in his training gear, jacket half-zipped, with the expression of someone who had decided something and was committed to it, which immediately made you feel like you needed to be somewhere else.

“I’m on a deadline,” you said.

“I know.” He came in anyway.

You watched him pull out the chair across from your desk — Priya’s chair, the one nobody sat in unless invited — and sit down in it with the particular calm of someone who had specifically decided not to be moved.

“Mason.” His name, again. Still a mistake. “I have a call in–”

“Twenty minutes,” he said. “Priya’s schedule is on the board outside.”

You stared at him. The sandwich sat on your desk between you like a small and unhelpful witness.

“I just need twenty minutes,” he said.

“For what?”

“To talk to you.”

“We’re talking now.”

“No,” he said, patiently, “we’re not. You’re managing me. There’s a difference.”

The sandwich sat on your desk between you like a small, unhelpful witness. You looked at your screen, then back at him, and he hadn’t moved and showed no signs of moving. “I’m busy.”

“I know.”

“I’m not– this isn’t a good time.”

“When is?”

“I’ll–” you reached for your notebook, reflexively, because holding something helped. “I can check the–”

“Y/N.” Quiet. Firm. “Stop.”

You stopped. The room was very still.

“I just want to know how you are,” he said. “That’s all. Not work. Not the schedule. You.”

And there it was — the question, the real one, the one he kept finding new ways to ask — and you felt the familiar tightening in your chest that meant you were approximately ten seconds from saying fine and redirecting and closing the whole thing down, because you were good at that, you had built your entire professional life on being good at that —

“I’m fine,” you said.

He nodded slowly, like he’d expected it, like he’d prepared for it, and then he picked up your sad, slightly warm desk sandwich, looked at it for a moment, and took a bite.

You stared at him. He chewed. Set it back down. Looked at you completely normally, like he hadn’t just eaten your dinner without asking, like this was a thing that people did.

“What,” you said.

“You weren’t eating it.”

“I was about to–”

“You’ve been staring at your screen for ten minutes, you hadn’t touched it.”

“You don’t– that’s my–” you picked up the sandwich, put it back down, because now it felt weird to eat it, which was somehow the most annoying thing. “You can’t just– that’s mine–”

“I know, I’m sorry–”

“Are you?” Your voice came out sharper than intended, something loosening at the hinge. “Are you actually sorry, or is that just… something you say?”

He went still. You heard what you’d just said and felt the shape of it, and that wasn’t about the sandwich and you both knew it and the knowing sat in the room between you like a third presence, warm and uninvited.

Walk it back, said the professional part of your brain. Redirect. You’re tired, you’re stressed, it’s a long week–

“What does that mean?” he asked, carefully, not defensive, just honest.

“Nothing. Forget it. It means nothing, it was about the sandwich, I’m tired, I have a–”

“It wasn’t about the sandwich.”

“Was it about Isla?”

The name landed in the room like something dropped. You didn’t answer, which was itself an answer, and you watched him watch you understand that, and there was nowhere to go suddenly; no redirect, no clipboard to pick up, no corridor to walk away down at pace.

“There’s nothing there,” he said. “It was– it’s done. It wasn’t serious.”

“You don’t have to explain your personal life to me.” Your voice was impressively level. You were quite proud of it. “Genuinely. It’s none of my–”

“I know it’s not. I’m telling you anyway.”

“Why?”

The word came out louder than you meant, raw at the edges, and you felt it leave you and couldn’t take it back and the room absorbed it and went very quiet.

“Because you went away,” he said simply. “After Paris. You just… went. And I didn’t know what I’d done, and then the Isla thing, and you got even further, and I just watched you go and I didn’t…” he stopped, reset, “I didn’t like it.”

Your chest hurt. Not metaphorically– actually hurt, the specific ache of something that had been compressed for a long time being asked to expand.

“You don’t–” your voice had lost some of its level, which you hated, “you barely know me.”

“I know you take different routes to avoid the main corridor some days. I know you eat lunch at your desk when something’s bothering you. I know you give thumbs up when you’re mortified and you say fine when you’re the opposite and you’re the best person in this building at your job and you carry your bag like it might escape.” He said it all quietly and evenly, like a list of facts. “I know you find it overwhelming when there are too many people and you told me that in Paris and I don’t think you tell people things like that easily.”

You stared at him. Your eyes were doing something you were furious about.

“That's...” your voice came out smaller than you intended. The wall was there, you could feel it, but your hands were tired. You’d been holding it up for a long time. “That’s not— you were with someone else. You were photographed. And I know— I know nothing happened between us, I know that, it was a coach and a dinner and I’m not— I’m not naïve enough to think—”

“Hey.” He’d leaned forward, elbows on the desk, close enough that you could see the tiredness in his eyes. “What did you think I thought it was?”

You shook your head.

“Tell me.”

“I don’t know.” Your voice cracked slightly on the last word and you pressed your mouth together and looked at the ceiling for a second. “I don’t know what I thought. I never— I don’t do this. I don’t read situations and I don’t make things out of nothing, I’m really careful, I’m always careful, and somehow I still—” you stopped. He waited, infuriatingly and tenderly patient. “And then you were with someone else,” you said, quietly. “And I was fine. I am fine.”

“You’re crying a little bit.”

“I’m aware,” you said, with some dignity.

There was a pause and outside the window the Cobham car park was going dark. “I ended it with Daniel,” you said, very quietly, and you weren’t sure why you were telling him except that you’d run out of things to protect. “Two weeks ago. I drove home feeling nothing and I think that was the answer.” He didn’t say anything for a moment and he didn’t look pleased about it, which you appreciated.

He didn’t say anything, didn’t make a speech, didn’t explain himself further. He just reached across your desk and put his hand over yours — still, warm, staying.

You looked at it. Looked at him.

“I ended it,” he said. “Weeks ago. Because it wasn’t — it wasn’t what I was thinking about.” He didn’t elaborate. He didn’t need to. “I’m not asking you for anything right now. I just needed you to know that. And I needed to know you were actually okay.”

Your hand didn’t move. Neither did his. Outside the media suite the building was quiet, the particular emptiness of Cobham at evening, faint hum of the lights, distant sound of rain on the roof.

“I’m not okay,” you said, very quietly. The truest thing you’d said in months.

“I know,” he said, and he didn’t let go of your hand, and you didn’t let go either, and for a moment— just a moment— you let it be enough.

***

He noticed her because she was the only person in the room not looking at him, which could sound like ego, and he’d be the first to admit it. But it wasn’t — it was just that he’d been doing this long enough to know what a room felt like when he walked into it, the subtle shift, the awareness, and he’d gotten so used to it that the absence of it was actually the thing that stood out.

The media room, a Tuesday in February. He’d come in twenty minutes early by accident and she was crouched on the floor wrestling with a microphone cable, completely absorbed, talking to it under her breath — not to him, to the cable — like he wasn’t worth the interruption. When he said sorry, thought this was — she looked up for exactly one second and then looked back down and said press availability isn’t until three like he was a scheduling inconvenience. He’d stood in the doorway longer than he needed to. He found out her name that day by asking Priya from social, casually, like it was an admin question.

Y/N. She’s been here nearly a year.

Nearly a year, and he’d been in the same building the whole time and somehow she’d moved through it like weather: present, functional, completely unregistered until suddenly she was the only thing he noticed. He thought about that for a while.

What he noticed first, properly noticed, the inventory he built without meaning to, was how careful she was, not in a cold way but in a way that looked like someone who had learned that the world required navigation. She moved through Cobham with a kind of deliberate efficiency, always slightly purposeful and never lingering, like she’d mapped every room and knew exactly how long she needed to be in each one before the odds of something going wrong increased. He recognised it, vaguely, as something he’d felt at seventeen when he first came into the first team setup at Chelsea: that hyperawareness, that sense of needing to be useful enough that your presence was justified. The difference was that he’d grown out of it, more or less, and she seemed to have just refined it, made it a permanent operating mode, built a whole professional identity around being competent and contained and fine. He found it interesting the way you found a locked door interesting, not because you wanted to force it, just because you found yourself wondering what was on the other side.

The Paris trip changed something. He’d sat next to her on the coach back from the match because he’d wanted to, which was simple and true and he didn’t overcomplicate it. She’d held her bag like a shield and made him almost-smile in the dark for twenty solid minutes and then said something so quietly honest — it means I’m not surprised when it happens — that he’d had to look out the window for a moment because the directness of it had caught him off guard. She talked to him like he was a person, not a footballer, not a name, not someone to be managed or impressed, and then she remembered to guard it and shut it back down and went back to her screen. But he’d heard it. On the armrest in the dark he’d let his finger brush hers and not moved it because he wanted to see what she’d do, and what she’d done was go very still and stare out the window and breathe carefully, like she was handling something fragile. He drove home from the hotel that night thinking about the careful breathing.

When she went cold after Paris he went over it methodically, replaying the conversations with the analytical part of his brain he usually reserved for match footage and coming up with nothing concrete — just the gradual withdrawal, the different routes, the lunch at her desk, the responses that were perfectly professional and perfectly empty. The Isla thing was — he’d been honest with himself about the Isla thing. She was fine, they’d had a few good evenings, and the whole time there had been a low-frequency awareness that he was doing something for the wrong reasons, or not quite the right ones. He ended it after three weeks, quietly, kindly, without drama, and he didn’t announce it because it hadn’t felt like something that required an announcement. In retrospect he understood why that had been a mistake.

What he saw in her — if anyone had asked him to put it into words, which nobody did, which was perhaps why he ended up sitting uninvited in Priya’s chair on a Tuesday with someone else’s sandwich — was this: she was sharp, not in an aggressive way but in a precise way, choosing her words carefully, and when she said something real it landed exactly right and he could always tell the difference between her professional voice and the one underneath it, the quieter one that came out sideways when she forgot to guard it. She was honest, and even when she was deflecting, the honesty was in there somewhere — she just mostly kept it inside. And there was something exhausting and sad and quietly admirable about the way she carried herself through every situation with that careful composure, like she’d decided a long time ago that the safest version of herself was the useful one, the competent one, the one who didn’t need anything.

He didn’t want that version. He wanted the one that talked to microphone cables and gave thumbs up when mortified and said that’s mine with genuine outrage over a sandwich. He wanted the one that cried a little bit and said I’m aware with her chin up. He wanted — and this was the thing he’d been sitting with for weeks, the thing that had been building since February in a room with a broken microphone — he wanted her to know that being seen didn’t have to be the most dangerous thing in the world. He just had to wait for her to let him tell her that, and he was, if nothing else, patient.

-----

Nothing changed overnight, and that felt important to say — the hand on yours and the quiet room and the I’m not okay did not constitute a transformation. You did not float home on a cloud of emotional resolution. You drove home in the rain, ate cereal for dinner because you’d missed the sandwich window, and lay in bed for forty minutes thinking about the fact that you had cried, slightly, in front of Mason Mount over a desk sandwich. A desk sandwich, you thought, at the ceiling. That’s what broke me. Eleven months of composure and it was the sandwich. You fell asleep before you could finish being embarrassed about it.

The next morning you arrived at Cobham at your usual time and took your usual route and made your usual coffee and sat at your usual desk and were, externally, completely normal. Internally you were doing something that resembled a browser with forty-seven tabs open, several of which were frozen and one of which was playing music you couldn’t identify or stop.

Priya came in at nine, looked at you, looked at her chair — back in its normal position, no evidence of last night, everything tidy — and said nothing. “Morning,” you said. “Morning,” she said. She made her tea. You answered your emails. The world continued rotating.

At 9:47 your phone lit up with an unknown number, and then a text.

it’s mason. priya gave me your number. hope that’s okay.

You stared at it. Priya, you thought, with great feeling.

You typed That’s fine, deleted it, typed Okay, deleted it, typed Sure, no problem, this is Y/N by the way in case you weren’t sure, stared at that for a long moment, deleted it, and sent: That’s fine.

Three seconds.

how are you

You looked at that for a moment, at the intimacy of the lowercase, the lack of punctuation, the fact that it was a question he’d asked you many times in many corridors and this was the first time it felt like it was actually asking.

You typed: Honestly. Still processing the sandwich incident. Otherwise intact.

don’t be

the sandwich thing was my fault

I’ve been told I have boundary issues around other people’s food

Who told you that, you typed.

my mum

she’s right

You pressed your lips together against something that was almost a smile. I appreciate the honesty, you sent.

anytime

are you around later

The forty-seven tabs all tried to load at once. Around where, you typed, because you needed the specificity, because your brain required logistics when everything else felt uncertain.

cobham. after the afternoon session. just to talk. no sandwiches involved

You looked at your screen, then out the window, then back at your screen.

I finish at six, you sent.

I’ll find you

You put your phone down and picked it up again and put it down, and Priya said, without looking up from her computer, “You’re doing the thing.”

“What thing.”

“Where you pick your phone up and put it down repeatedly.”

“I don’t do a thing.”

“You have several things.” You put your phone in your drawer. “I’m working,” you said, and Priya turned back to her screen with the expression of someone who had said everything she needed to.

He found you at six-thirteen, slightly later than six and slightly earlier than you’d spent the intervening hours catastrophizing about, and you were in the small corridor outside the analysis suite with your coat on and your bag on and ready to leave, which you’d timed deliberately, because being in motion was easier than being stationary when you were nervous.

“Hey.” He fell into step beside you, naturally, like it was easy.

“Hi.” You kept walking. He kept up.

“You were going to leave,” he said.

“I was going to coincidentally be leaving at this time, yes.”

“Right.”

“I had somewhere to be.”

“Where?” A pause.

“Home.”

“I’ll walk you to your car.”

You glanced at him sideways. He had his hands in his jacket pockets and the expression of someone who had absolutely clocked what you were doing and found it more endearing than annoying, which was honestly a little disarming. The evening was cool with that particular April coolness that couldn’t decide if it was still winter, and the car park was quiet, and he walked beside you with an easy unhurriedness that you found simultaneously calming and destabilizing.

“I wanted to say—” he started.

“You don’t have to—”

“I know I don’t have to.” Patient. Still. “I wanted to.” You closed your mouth.

“Last night wasn’t— I didn’t come in there to make things weird or to make you feel like you had to—” he paused, finding the words. “I just missed talking to you. The actual you. Not the press officer you.”

Something warm moved through your chest and you immediately distrusted it on instinct. “They’re the same person,” you said.

“They’re really not.”

“The press officer me is very competent.”

“She is,” he agreed. “She’s also a bit terrifying.”

You blinked. “I’m terrifying?”

“Not— no, not like—” he looked at you, caught something in your expression, and laughed, properly, that full-face laugh that you’d been cataloguing without permission since February. “You’re not scary terrifying, you’re just very— composed. You walk into a room and you know exactly what every person in it should be doing and you just sort of quietly arrange that without anyone realising and it’s—”

“Terrifying,” you finished.

“Impressive,” he corrected. “I was going to say impressive.”

“You said terrifying first.”

“As a compliment.”

“That’s a strange compliment.”

“You’re a strange person.”

The words landed and you looked at him, ready to feel the sting, and found him already looking at you with something so far from unkind that the sting never arrived. “Okay,” you said, quietly.

“In a good way,” he said, equally quiet.

You reached your car and stopped, and he stopped too, and the car park was empty and still and the sky above Cobham was doing that thing where it couldn’t decide between blue and grey. Somewhere across the car park a door opened and closed and you both glanced over instinctively, two people with the same instinct for discretion, and when you looked back at each other you were both almost-smiling at having done it simultaneously.

“I’m still—” you started. “I’m not very good at this. Any of this. I should probably tell you that upfront so you’re not surprised later when I say something weird.”

“You’ve already said several weird things.”

“That was a warm-up.”

He smiled, full and warm and aimed entirely at you, and your heart did the medically inadvisable thing.

“I think,” he said, “that we just— see how it goes. Quietly. No pressure.”

“Quietly,” you repeated, and something about the word settled something in you; the absence of performance, the permission to just be uncertain without an audience.

“Just us,” he said.

You nodded, slowly and carefully, like you were agreeing to something that mattered. “Okay,” you said. He reached over and tucked a strand of hair behind your ear— just that, light and quick, like it was the most natural thing— and you stood very still and your brain went completely blank in a way that was actually quite restful.

“Goodnight, Y/N,” he said.

“I have forty-seven browser tabs open in my head right now,” you said.

He stared at you. “Sorry,” you said. “That was one of the weird things. You’ve been warned.”

He was laughing as he walked away and you got in your car and sat for a moment and smiled at your steering wheel like an absolute idiot. Forward, you thought, but different this time, lighter. You drove home.

-----

The text came on a Thursday at 4:52 pm, not unusual in itself; you’d been texting for three weeks now, the kind of texting that had started as occasional and quietly become daily without either of you formally acknowledging that it had become daily. Short things mostly, observations, him sending something about training and you replying with something dry about the press implications and him sending back a single laughing emoji that you had, embarrassingly and privately, started to consider a form of affection. This text was different.

where do you live

You stared at it. Why, you sent back, because you were a person who required context.

just tell me the area

that’s not an answer to my question

Y/N

Mason— a pause, and you could almost feel him laughing at his phone—

i want to show you something. tonight if you’re free. what area

You looked at the text for a long moment. The sensible part of your brain —which had been gradually losing authority over the last three weeks but still showed up daily like a disciplined employee— said: ask more questions, get specifics, do not just give a man your postcode because he asked nicely.

Peckham, you sent.

perfect. I’ll send you an address. 7:30

That’s still not an answer

wear something nice

You stared at that for a genuinely unreasonable amount of time.

You almost talked yourself out of it twice— once at 5:30, standing in front of your wardrobe thinking this is insane, you don’t know where you’re going, and once at 6:45 when you were ready, navy dress and hair down, and you caught yourself in the mirror and your brain said this looks like effort and effort felt dangerous, effort felt like a declaration— so you grabbed your coat and left before the thought finished.

The address was a fifteen-minute drive, a street in Peckham you half-knew, quiet and residential, and when you pulled up you sat in your car looking at a small restaurant with its lights low and no sign outside, the kind of place that either didn’t need one or had decided signage was too much commitment. Through the window: candles, dark wood, small tables, the warm amber of a room specifically designed to make people feel like the rest of the world had gone quiet.

You looked at it. Looked at your dress. Looked back at the restaurant. Oh, said something in your chest. Oh, he absolutely did.

He was already inside and you saw him before he saw you —standing to greet you, dark jacket— and for a brief and unguarded second before he knew you were looking, he had an expression on his face that you didn’t have a word for yet. Anticipatory. Almost nervous. Mason Mount, nervous. You filed that away somewhere very safe.

Then he saw you and the expression shifted into something warmer and he said “you came” like he’d actually been unsure, which—

“You gave me forty minutes notice,” you said, sliding into the chair across from him. “I didn’t have time to talk myself out of it.”

“That was intentional.”

“That was manipulative.”

“Strategically timed.”

“Those are the same thing.”

“Are they?”

“I took a module on this—” you stopped. “You know what, never mind. Why is there no sign outside?”

“It’s a private dining room. Friend of a friend runs it, closes the main restaurant on Thursdays, does private bookings.”

You looked around at the low candles on every surface, at something that smelled extraordinary coming from somewhere, at a single table, yours, set properly with actual glassware and soft music from nowhere specific, the kind that existed to fill silence without demanding attention.

“So,” you said, carefully. “There’s no one else here.”

“No.”

“It’s just us.”

“Yes.”

“In a candlelit room.”

“Correct.”

“Mason.” You looked at him with great composure “Is this a date…”

He held your gaze, completely unbothered. “What do you think?”

“I think you should have said that in the text.” “Would you have come?”

A pause.

“…Strategically timed,” you said quietly.

He smiled.

The food arrived in small courses, unhurried, and somewhere in the middle of the second one you forgot to be nervous; not dramatically, just gradually, the nervousness losing its grip like a hand slowly unclenching, and what was underneath it turned out to be something that felt a lot like ease.

You talked, actually talked, not about work or schedules or anything that required a professional filter. He asked about your family and you told him about your mum who sent voice notes that were never under four minutes and your younger brother who you’d taught to cook badly and who had now surpassed you, which was both proud-making and annoying. He told you about growing up in Portsmouth, about being sixteen and terrified and certain he was one bad training session from being sent home, about the version of himself from that era that he wouldn’t fully recognise now.

“You seem very–” you searched for the word. “Settled. In yourself.”

“Now,” he said. “I wasn’t always.”

“What changed?”

He considered it. “Stopped waiting for permission to just be how I am, I think.”

You turned that over quietly. “I’m still waiting,” you said, before you’d decided to say it. “For permission. Or — I don’t know. For it to feel safe enough, maybe. To just —” you moved your hand vaguely, which was not a sentence but communicated something.

“I know,” he said, gently.

“It’s annoying,” you said. “About myself.”

“It’s not.”

“It takes me a long time to–”

“I know.” His voice was patient in that specific way that never felt like tolerance, just actual patience with no timer on it. “I’m not going anywhere.”

The candle between you flickered and your stomach did something long and slow and warm that had nothing to do with the food. He looked at you differently in candlelight, or maybe not differently — maybe just more visible, the way candlelight stripped out all the ambient noise of a space and left only what it chose to illuminate. He looked at you the way you’d been quietly terrified of being looked at, and the difference — the thing that was different from every other time someone had looked at you and made you want to disappear — was that it didn’t feel like an assessment. It felt like recognition. Like someone looking at something they’d been looking for.

You picked up your glass to give your hands something to do. “Stop,” you said.

“Stop what.”

“Looking at me like that.”

“Like what.”

“You know like what.”

He didn’t stop. He leaned back in his chair with the particular ease of someone completely comfortable in their own decisions and looked at you across the candlelight and said: “No.”

“No?”

“No. You’re going to have to get used to it.”

“That’s very presumptuous.”

“Probably.”

“I could leave.”

“Your coat’s on my side of the table.”

You looked. It was. You’d put it there yourself when you sat down. “I did that.”

“You did.”

“That was an accident.”

“Sure.”

You looked at him for a long moment — this person who had walked into a media room twenty minutes early and noticed you talking to a microphone cable and had apparently decided, quietly and without fanfare, to keep noticing — and felt something shift in you that was past the forty-seven tabs and past the wall and past the careful practiced fine, something that felt, cautiously, like being glad.

“This is a very good restaurant,” you said, because you needed to say something that wasn’t the thing you were actually thinking.

“I’ll tell him you said so.”

“The food is genuinely excellent.”

“Y/N.”

“The ambiance is also —”

“Y/N.”

“What.”

He was smiling. Soft, private, just for this room. “You’re doing the thing.”

“I have several things apparently.”

“The deflecting with commentary thing.”

“I don’t —” you stopped. “Okay I do that.”

“I know.”

Silence. The good kind. Full kind.

“I’m glad I came,” you said quietly. The truest available sentence.

His smile changed slightly. Warmer. Something in it that made you look at the candle for a moment because looking at him directly felt like a lot.

“Yeah?” he said.

“Don’t make it weird,” you said.

“I’m not making it weird.”

“You’re doing the face.”

“What face.”

“The — looking face. The one that makes my —” you stopped abruptly.

He waited. Very deliberately waited.

“Finish that sentence,” he said.

“Absolutely not.”

“Y/N —”

“The food is excellent,” you said firmly. “I’d like dessert.”

He laughed, full and delighted, the kind that meant you’d given him something he was going to keep, and you pressed your lips together against your own smile and looked at the menu with great concentration and felt, in the warm candlelit quiet of a room that was just yours, something bloom open in your chest that you didn’t have the words for yet, but you thought, maybe, you had time to find them.

Time did a thing at the restaurant, moving too fast in the parts where he was saying something that made you forget to monitor your own expression and too slow in the parts where he looked at you across the candle and you needed somewhere else to put your eyes, and by the time you both registered that the restaurant had gone completely quiet and the friend-of-a-friend had very politely stopped coming out of the kitchen, it was eleven seventeen.

“Eleven seventeen,” you said, looking at your phone with the specific horror of a person who had a 7 am press briefing.

“Eleven seventeen,” he confirmed, with considerably less horror.

“I have a 7 am .”

“I have a 6 am.” You stared at him. “And you’re not–”

“I’ve been here the whole time too,” he pointed out.

“Yes but you —” you gestured at him vaguely. “You seem unbothered.”

“I’m very bothered,” he said. “I’m just quiet about it.”

You stood up and reached for your coat –on his side of the table still, where you had put it accidentally on purpose three hours ago and neither of you had mentioned again– and he stood at the same time and reached it first and just held it open for you, naturally, like it was nothing, and you stood for a moment looking at it and then turned around and put it on and your brain said he’s right there and your body said yes I know and you said nothing and walked toward the door.

Outside: rain. Not light rain, not the fine invisible Parisian rain from the coach — proper, committed April rain, coming down in sheets across the empty Peckham street, turning the pavement to mirror, bouncing off the roofs of parked cars with a sound like applause. You stood in the doorway looking at it.

“Your car’s round the corner,” he said, from behind you.

“I know where my car is.”

“You’ll be soaked in about four seconds.”

“I have a coat.”

“It’s not a waterproof coat.”

You looked at your coat. He was correct; it was an aesthetic coat, a coat for looking put-together in mild weather, not a coat for this. “I’ll be fine.”

“I’ll drive you.”

“You don’t have to —”

“My car’s right there.” He nodded at a black car parked directly outside. “Yours is round the corner in this.”

Logic. Infuriating logic. “Fine,” you said.

The six steps to his car still got your shoulders wet, and he knew the way without being told, which you registered and chose not to examine. The city at nearly half eleven was a different thing: quieter, amber-lit, rain making everything soft and blurred at the edges, and you sat in the passenger seat watching London slide past and felt the pleasant and dangerous warmth of someone who had eaten well and talked for hours and was now in a small enclosed space with a person they were — you looked at your hands.

Careful, said the sensible part of your brain, which had made a full comeback. Oh shut up, said the rest of you, which was new.

“Left here.” He turned left. “And then the next right. The building with the blue door.” He pulled up.

It was a converted Victorian townhouse split into three flats, yours on the top floor with big windows and high ceilings and the kind of bones that people used words like character to describe, and you were quietly proud of it in a way you rarely told anyone.

“This is yours?” he said.

“Top floor.”

He looked at the building, then back at you. “This suits you.”

“It does?”

“Big windows,” he said simply, and you didn’t know what that meant and also understood it exactly and decided not to pursue it.

“Well,” you said. “Thank you for dinner. And the drive. You should get home, you’ve got the six–”

“It’s still raining,” he said.

“I’ll go quickly.”

“Or I could come up.”

The words landed in the car. You looked at him. He looked at you, his expression even and open, nothing in it that was pushing, just offering — like he’d put something on the table and was waiting to see what you did with it. Every sensible instinct you had lined up and said: say goodnight, go inside, this is the right place to stop.

“It’s quite messy,” you said.

“Is it?” “Not… not chaotically messy. Organised messy. There’s a system.”

“I believe you.”

“I’m also out of decent tea. I have one kind and it’s not very good.”

“That’s fine.”

“And there’s a plant in the hallway that looks dead but isn’t, before you say anything.”

“I wasn’t going to say anything about your plant.”

You looked at him for a moment longer. Then you got out of the car.

The flat was warm and smelled like the candle you’d left burning low on the kitchen counter, which you were privately grateful for because it meant the space had atmosphere you hadn’t had to engineer in the last thirty seconds. He came in behind you and stopped in the hallway and you watched him take it in: the high ceilings, the big windows running with rain, the warm lamplight, the bookshelves covering most of one wall in the living room, organised by colour because you’d gone through a phase and then committed to it. The plant in the hallway, which was fine and thriving and he glanced at but honourably said nothing about.

And the photos. The wall beside the kitchen was a gallery of frames, different sizes, no particular grid system, just things you’d loved enough to print and put up: your mum at the beach, your brother at graduation, a print of a painting you’d bought at a market in Lisbon on your first solo holiday aged twenty-four, terrified and proud of yourself, and a strip of photo booth pictures from a work Christmas party two years ago where Priya had dragged you in and you were laughing in every frame, genuinely laughing, the kind you couldn’t perform.

He drifted toward them and you filled the kettle because you needed something to do with your hands, watching him from the kitchen as he took his time, looking at each one with that same quiet attention he gave everything, and he stopped at the photo booth strip.

“This is you,” he said.

“Astute.”

“You’re actually laughing.”

“I do laugh.”

“I know. I just haven’t —” he paused. “I’ve heard you almost laugh. Where you stop it.”

You looked at the kettle. “Priya pushed me into a photo booth. I didn’t have time to stop it.”

“I like it.”

“The photo or the laughing.”

“Both.”

He turned from the photos and looked at you across the kitchen and the flat was small enough that across the kitchen wasn’t very far, and the rain was loud on the windows and the candle was still going and the kettle hadn’t boiled yet and —

“The tea really is not good,” you said. “I should warn you again. It’s some kind of —”

“Y/N.”

“— herbal thing that Priya left, I don’t actually know what’s in it —”

“Y/N.”

“— could be anything really, might be mostly —”

“Hey.” He’d moved, not a lot but enough that he was in the kitchen now, close enough that the forty-seven tabs all crashed simultaneously. “Look at me.”

You looked at him, which was a bad idea and an immediate regret, because he was looking at you the way he’d been looking at you all evening in the candlelight, the way that felt like recognition, and he was close and the rain was loud and you had genuinely just talked about herbal tea for thirty seconds to avoid this exact moment —

“I’m going to kiss you,” he said, quiet and straightforward, like he was simply providing information.

“Okay,” you said, very calmly. He leaned in. “Wait —” you said, and he stopped. “Sorry, I just —” you pressed your lips together and your heart was absolutely rioting, “I just want to say, for the record, that I’m normally a lot more composed than I’ve been the last few months, and this whole situation has genuinely been —”

“Y/N.”

“— a lot for me specifically and I don’t want you to think that I’m always —”

“Y/N.”

“— like this because I’m actually quite —”

You grabbed the front of his jacket. And kissed him.

It was not graceful, the first half-second, your timing slightly off and both of you adjusting, and then it was — warm and unhurried and tasting of the dessert wine from the restaurant, his hand coming up to your jaw like he’d thought about where to put it, the rain coming down outside and the candle burning low on the counter and the kettle boiling and clicking off and neither of you noticing.

When you pulled back you kept your eyes closed for a moment, and then opened them, and he was right there looking at you with that look, worse now somehow, more of it.

“For the record,” he said, quiet and a little rough at the edges, “you’re always composed.”

“I just talked about herbal tea for thirty seconds to avoid kissing you.”

“Composed and thorough.”

“That’s not what thorough means.”

“No?”

“No, thorough means —” you stopped. “I’m doing it again.”

“I know.” He was smiling, soft and private and just for this kitchen. “I don’t mind.”

His thumb moved, just slightly, against your jaw, and you were still holding his jacket, and outside the rain kept going, loud and committed and completely indifferent to the two of you standing in your kitchen at eleven fifty-three, figuring out something that had been waiting since February in a media room with a broken microphone.

“The tea really is terrible,” you said, very quietly.

“I’ll bring some tomorrow,” he said, equally quiet, and something in his eyes was warm and certain and patient, like someone who had decided and wasn’t revisiting it.

You nodded, once, small. “Okay,” you said.

And you smiled — not the almost-smile, not the stopped one, the real one, the Priya-photo-booth one — and he saw it and kept it like it was something worth keeping.

The candle burned. The rain came down.

Okay.

[cyberkitty1]

hey love! i’m not sure if you’re actually taking requests right now, but i have a very specific one…

i was thinking about something with jj or rafe, paired with an avoidant!reader. maybe something where reader and one of the boys are kind of seeing each other — nothing official or too serious — but then reader starts catching real feelings and decides to pull away for no reason, just full-on dramatic avoidance, lol. and then that causes fights, angst, and a lot of yearning from their side, etc! 🫣🫣

thanks hun!!! my requests are always open! its 2 parts the moment i got this i was workinnnn , hope you like it!!

CLOSE ENOUGH TO BURN

PART 1 - DONT MAKE IT MEAN ANYTHING

warnings: emotional repression, mutual attraction, slow-burn angst, avoidant behavior, longing that’s eating them alive

it was never supposed to be serious.

you and jj weren’t anything. not officially. not really.

just flirting that went too far. lingering looks. stolen moments behind beach houses and in the back of his truck. inside jokes that no one else understood. the kind of connection that felt like a spark you could smother if you just ignored it long enough.

you told yourself it was casual. fun. a distraction, nothing more.

and jj? he played along staying loud, flirty, always quick with a joke.

but then he started doing more.

bringing your favorite snacks. sending dumb memes in the middle of the night. watching you like he was trying to memorize every emotion on your face.

and you…

you started caring.

that was the problem.

because once you cared, it was only a matter of time before it all fell apart.

so, like clockwork, you pulled back.

first, it was little things. taking longer to text back. skipping hangouts. giving him short answers and vague excuses.

but jj wasn’t stupid.

he texted you three times in a row the night before:

where’d you go?

did i do something?

just tell me if you’re done, okay?

you didn’t answer.

you couldn’t. because the truth felt pathetic.

you were scared. not of him, of you. of how deeply you felt. how badly you wanted this to be real. how you knew if you let it happen, if you let him all the way in, it would destroy you when it eventually ended.

because things like this didn’t last.

so now you’re standing at the edge of the party, alone in a crowd, pretending the flames aren’t burning holes in your resolve, pretending your heart isn’t clawing its way out of your chest every time you catch a glimpse of him.

he’s across the firepit, laughing with john b and pope, beer bottle dangling from his fingers, eyes flicking over the crowd like he’s not really listening.

like he’s looking for someone.

and when his gaze finally lands on you, like a damn spotlight, your stomach flips and your chest tightens and you do the most cowardly thing you’ve done all week.

you look away.

and pretend you don’t care.

even though every nerve in your body is screaming his name.

[mi-co-uk]

yearner!matt & avoidant!reader texts? :3

of course !! sorry for the wait :>

[mi-co-uk]

yearner matt x avoidant reader's last text convo !!

anddd they havnt spoken for a week since c:

[mi-co-uk]

⸝⸝⸝ 𝐘𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐄𝐑 𝐌𝐀𝐓𝐓 𝐗 𝐀𝐕𝐎𝐈𝐃𝐀𝐍𝐓 𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐄𝐑 ⋆.˚🦢⋆

"I'm sorry I dont wanna take off my clothes, but at least I know you were mine."

content: avoidant reader tries to cope with her past and accept her feelings for matt.

WARNINGS: ** heavy SA trigger warning !! prim talks of her experience of SA (the effects not the events), how it affects her daily, mentions / implied SH, mini scenes of fluff inbetween heavy angst, mentions of sickness, implied sex, implied hypersexual struggles, emotional numbness, angst with comfort, mini makeout session.

a/n, to everyone that hates avoidant reader, i hate YOU :(

wc: 1.1k

AU MASTERLIST // NAV // ALL AUS // TAGS

(— line dividers by @chrisssiren )

Every night she woke up feeling like her skin was crawling.

She hates the burning but maybe she's supposed to live with it. Maybe it's her fault. I mean she’s the only one living with the consequences.

She doesn't want to wear her own skin. It barely belongs to her. It's been used, ruined, stained. She didn't know she was supposed to claim it. She thought it was her own. They took the decision like she wasn't enough to even be presented with it.

She didn't understand it when it happened. Maybe she just didn't think they could be so cruel. Maybe that was her fault - she knew they were bad but she didn't know they thought she was. They had to think she was worth nothing to do it all to her.

They told her she was everything they needed but she never wanted to be that for them. She didn't fucking want it.

She wished being loved could drain it out.

She wished it felt like waiting. but it's not. it feels like needing to blink, but maybe her eyes would never open back up again. Maybe she’d get hurt again. Maybe letting her guard down wouldn't actually help.

Prim let Matt touch her. She thought it was the only way anyone could see worth in her. Maybe she enjoyed it - but it always left her with bitter guilt at the tip of her tongue.

The shame made her push him away. She always felt used, replaceable. Prim expected a million contrasting things - matt to make her feel important; closer to the need to breathe than the need for a release.

She also expected him to hurt her all the ways she had been before. The tactic she used was to always let him - let anyone who seemingly wanted her in that way to have her, because then she's choosing it. She has the control.

Tears couldn't help but spill every time after. Because despite it all, she still never felt like she had control.

These men could see every inch of her but she’d never let them see her cry. She never let them see her inside out.

Matt made it hard.

He didn't push for it. Acting as if he didn't even want it. His effort was directed in trying to make her laugh, make her relaxed. Chasing the glint in her eyes she only got when Matt dragged her outside of her own head.

There were battles Matt went through in terms of self confidence. He loved her like she was a God he prayed to. Constant chasing validation to deem himself worthy of her - her company, her love, her life that he wanted to share.

“I’m sick, Matt, go away.”

“C’mon, I'm not leaving you on your own.”

He started collecting the used tissues, shoving them into the tiny trash bin next to her bed.

Prim groaned out, covering her face with the blanket out of shame for her appearance. “I look awfullll!”

“You look adorable.” he tilted his head, looking at her face peaking out from the hole she made in the covers so she could breathe. She blinked a few times, processing, sniffling. Then went back to her routine of self deprecating.

“I’m ill and gross, look at me- actually, don't.” She covered herself almost fully, earning a small laugh from Matt.

He kissed her temple, not caring for the slight sweat lining her skin. “You want me to leave you to suffer in peace?”

She hesitated, but answered. “Yeah.”

“Alright, but I'm staying downstairs so yell out in agony if you need anything.”

A part of her denied that she loved him - told herself she barely liked him at all. He was perfect but she thought she felt nothing.

Prim was desensitized to feelings. If a touch didn't burn and make her spiral through thoughts then was it worth anything? If the feeling didn't hurt then how did she know she was feeling anything at all?

It felt so innocent. Even those intense moments shared so privately with one another felt innocent. His grip barely registered, like they'd been doing it their whole lives, like time apart had been the most unnatural part of it all.

She wasn't used to that lack of feeling. Used to spending her days scrubbing at her skin, burning at it to get the old feeling out. The constant invisible weight from where they took her body from her.

No matter how many days passed, the hands remained. All over. Cursed to live in the body she couldn't call her own anymore.

Matt lingered on her mind.

Moments she brushed away at the time but wished she could experience over and over in a time loop. He was always gentle. Most people thought the bare minimum was the ability to breathe being around someone but to Prim it was much more valuable.

A rule she had was no hand holding. Debatably a level of claustrophobia but she didn't want to give it a title so heavy. She needed an escape. If there was a solid grip trapping her fingers, she felt so out of control that she had urges to rip off her skin. Just like before.

Prim let her head rest on Matt's shoulder, seated sideways in his lap. She drew lines with her finger, trailing the skin of his neck.

She watched him inhale and exhale, his own head atop hers, eyes closed as if in the most peaceful state he’d ever experienced.

Her nose nudged his jawline, pecking kisses to encourage him to face her.

Matt kissed her the same as he always did, she reciprocated differently. Zoning out wasn't her instinct at that moment, choosing to give in to the feeling. Prim held him, breaking the kisses only to breathe and chase him back.

Matt’s hand cradled her face, thumb caressing her cheekbone. She placed her hand over his, fingers intertwining to feel him in a way she hadn't before. She pushed herself closer, ignoring the sting in her eyes and the tears streaming down her face.

Matt noticed. As he always did.

He pulled back, panic filling his body as he held her face fully. He stared into her watery eyes as her frown deepened.

Again, she crawled the rest of her fingers into the spaces between his, practically desperate for the gesture she’d run away from for so long.

“Why are you crying?” He tried to soothe her, wiping her tears with his thumb so gently, holding her so gently. Eyes as always gentle.

“Because it doesn't hurt.”

©mi-co-uk

- comment ⏳️ to be added to this aus taglist if you're not on it already and wanna be !! c:

[mi-co-uk]

─── "𝑝𝑖𝑒𝑐𝑒𝑑 𝑖𝑡 𝑎𝑙𝑙 𝑡𝑜𝑔𝑒𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟 𝑙𝑎𝑡𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑛𝑖𝑔ℎ𝑡."

billie eilish, the 30th ───

˗ˏˋ yearner matt x avoidant reader ˎˊ˗

𝑨𝑵𝑮𝑺𝑻𝑶𝑩𝑬𝑹 𝑺𝑷𝑬𝑪𝑰𝑨𝑳

content.

matt gets into a car crash.

warnings.

heavily implied and vague descriptions of a car crash, guilt, crying, anxiety, matts very sweet, technically readers fault, panic attack, self hate, partial suicide idealation, mentions of blood and wounds, hospital setting, comfort at the end, kissing.

wc. 1.3k

(— line dividers by @chrisssiren )

|| .au masterlist . navigation . all aus. ||

His heart had stopped.

It was hard to drive knowing it was the exact thing that hurt him in the first place. More than simply hurt him.

The radio didnt help, your music didnt help. Listening to your own hyperventilated breathing didnt exactly help either.

Matt had chosen you. He wanted you with him and as much as you valued it, it came with a lot of pressure.

You weren’t even supposed to last this long; in general and in terms of being in matt’s life. It had almost been cut short and you - the girl who would blow him off to eat your weight in shit food and cry - were still a priority to him.

Of course, all of this was selfish. Conflicted over how you were supposed to now treat a not-relationship with someone rather than focusing on them.

His heart had stopped.

You fixed your hair in the car mirror, feeling selfish once again.

The hesitation you’d tried to avoid your entire life for risk of feeling stupid now corrupted your entire body. You paused at the entrance to his room, mouth agape in slight horror. Swelling, bandages, blood.

“I’m on good meds. Dont worry.” he laughed - he fucking laughed about it.

A frown contorted your face, still stood aimlessly in the doorway. How did he do that? Treat everything like the next step wasn’t a leap away from him?

You used to think he let everyone walk over him. Now you understood nothing could ever do that to him - people could think they were pushing him away, you could think that. Matt never even let himself fall to the floor. He wouldnt let anything hurt him that way.

He sensed your hesitation, giving you his sympathetic smile while he layed down wounded. It was like he knew every thought in your brain, even when it sounded to you like pure sobbing.

“Those for me?”

Your hands twitched on the plastic covering the flowers, small droplets scattered on the surface from the rain outside. You could only respond with a tight lipped smile, water brimming your waterline.

His heart had stopped.

Finally unparalyzed, you forced your heavy feet into the room, taking time to close the door and try to ignore your shaky hands.

you sniffled and let your tears fall as your persona crumbled. He leaned forward in his bed, hands bracing you by holding your waist. One hand pulled away from you to remove the flowers from your grasp, discarding them to the side as he entirely focused on you.

The sobs escaped you involuntarily, you held your hand tight over your mouth to cover the noise and squeezed your eyes shut - the tears spilling out of them.

“I’m sorry- im sorry- i didnt-” you sucked air in sharply having lost all you had. “I dont wanna cry- i cant-”

You were pulled down to sit beside him, feeling his fingers run soothing patterns over your thigh as you cradled your face to cry in it. Matt shifted closer, wrapping his arms around your back to pull you to his chest.

It was awful. Sobbing like it had happened to you. Being comforted as if you deserved it.

“Shh, its okay.” he gently rocked you back and forth. “Please dont blame yourself. Im okay, i promise.”

He couldve been talking broadly - but you heard the depth of his words. There was a reason to blame yourself?

You wiped your tears, breaths hitching but softer.

“What do you mean?”

You pulled your head away from his shoulder to stare at him, watch the way his eyes widen and his words stutter in refusal to leave his mouth.

“Matt.” a warning tone, your head pulling back as if bracing yourself for something physical.

“Its nothing. Its just something you say-”

“But you meant it.” your breaths got out of your control once again, chest rising more rapidly. “Matt, how is this my fault?”

He swallowed deeply, breathing deeply.

“You-” he sighed. “You were supposed to pick me up. My car went to shit so you said you’d drive me home.”

The tears filled your waterline again before you could fully process what his words meant.

“I got an uber instead- a shitty one, obviously.” he chuckled. “We stopped suddenly, there was rain so wet roads; the other car didnt stop in time. Hit the side of our car, my side. Here i am.”

The muscles in your face tensed, tears streaming uncontrollably without you letting out a sound.

“Tell me youre lying. You have to be-”

Matt reached out for you, holding your face to look at him, his thumb wiping your tears as they fell.

“Its okay, i promise its okay-”

“But youre not! No youre not!”

You sobbed deeply and loudly, body failing to hold itself up out of guilt.

“You couldve died! You wouldve died and i wouldnt have even known it was my fault!” your cries grew louder. “Its all my fault.”

“Listen to me. Hey, listen.” he titled your head back at him, you were humiliated that he could see you like this - its what you wanted to avoid and hide from everyone for so so long.

“I didnt die. Dont be sad about something that couldve happened because it didnt. Im not upset with you. I dont blame you.”

“You fucking should.” you spat out.

“Well, i dont. I care about you. Just because you dont or you think i shouldnt care doesnt mean im gonna just stop. Okay?”

He nodded, forcing you to nod with him. He still kept his dog eyes, keeping his sympathy for you even if it irritated him how much hatred you could easily put towards yourself. He pressed his forehead to yours, breathing deeply to get you to mimic it. He kissed over your tears.

“Youre not allowed to this shit anymore.” his voice stayed calm. “You dont get to be rude to yourself okay, be mean to me. Im not going anywhere until you really want me to.”

“I dont want you away, i really dont.” you whispered and let a few more tears fall. “Im so mean, matt, im awful.”

He could only shake his head, his own tears running rivers down his face. “Dont.”

“I just wanna be good, i wanna be like you. I dont understand why you have to put up with someone like me.” you breath hitched in the middle of sobbing. “Youre perfect and i make everything worse.”

You met matts eyes with your sparkling ones.

“I almost killed you.”

He leaned down, shutting up your words with his lips against yours.

It was messy, hard for you to tell if his tears fell on you or your own were just being spread around. You recipcrocated it entirely. like you were trying to let matt eat your soul in return for the pain youd caused him. Your hands grabbed the side of his face to deepen the kiss.

He’d break the kiss to breathe quickly, returning as soon as he could as if you were his life line.

You finally pulled away properly, eyes now holding matts gaze.

“I love you. It doesnt matter to me if you dont think the same about yourself yet, because i feel it.” he sniffed, crying again. “I feel it so deeply. I can help you feel that for you too. Just dont shut me out anymore. please.”

©mi-co-uk