Today I was venting to Pif about something that came up for me in partial response to something else - a memory from the time when my gr*ndf*th*r died and the really fucked-up way my then-family treated me when that happened - and I like, recounted the details of the situation to Pif, and then we just kind of sat there for a moment, and then I was like, “wow, that’s like... really fucked up,” and he was like, “yup!” and I think that is maybe the first time I’ve really allowed myself to acknowledge that what happened in that specific situation was really, really fucked up. At the time I remember feeling nothing, just like, groping around for what I was maybe supposed to feel and finding only cold emptiness. It’s only looking back that I start to sort of feel actual emotions about it, and mainly the emotion that I feel about it, if this qualifies as an emotion, is “uh... YIKES”.