Wednesday 3/9/16
Today I was totally annoyed by just everything. The people at work were bothering me. Just being loud, talkative, chipper. I just wanted to be at home, curled up in bed, sleeping. I just wanted to be away from everyone. When I’m feeling depressed I just want to be alone. The more people around me the more prying eyes and ears. The less people the less questions I have to answer. There are only so many times in a day I can have the motivation to tell people I’m fine, I’m tired, it’s been a long week. There are only so many excuses. Work is busy work and it keeps me distracted to a point. But when things go wrong, when I hit a wall or mess something up I feel it 100 times more than I would normally. Everything is magnified. Every mistake is catastrophic. On the other side the ups are very high. But it makes me even more tired afterwards. Moods flowing like that is insane. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
The other thing that sucks is feeling SO alone. I know other people in the world suffer from depression, it’s not like that. It’s just no one in my life I feel like understands how I feel. No one gets it. I could try to explain until I was blue in the face; everyone tries to rationalize it. The thing is it’s not rational. And I know that and it helps me every day. Knowing that the thoughts and feelings are a result of something that’s not me is...well its what gets me through. And I know I’ll get through...some days it just doesn’t really feel like it...