Long....rant? Heart-spilling? I don't even know. Really long. You've been warned.
You ever feel like you just want to sit down and just...be? I'm in the midst of all this work and stress right now. And I know I've had posts about the amount of work before, but it's really an impossibly overwhelming burden.
I have to prepare a college audition, which should take up about 2 good hours of solid practice a day. That's a whole repetoire. A whole hour's worth of music.
Then the senior recital business. Which is another 2 hours of solid practice, to maintain the level I am at currently, and not fall. A whole other repetoire. An hour's worth of recital music. A concerto, a modern piece, Bach suites, and Etudes. Basically a copy of a college audition with different pieces.
Then I have to practice for Juilliard orchestra, which honestly, takes a full hour, in the VERY least. It's such a competitive atmosphere, and I have to fight to keep my seat, or to even think about moving up. There are no excuses in PCO, it's practice or leave. And trust me, when everyone else practices, you have to. One week can make the difference.
And that right there? With my viola? Is five hours. People can't fathom how I can fill up five hours, but sometimes it's not enough. And I can't do anything about it, because I have to move one; the daylight doesn't wait for me.
I have 5 Aps to study for.
Every class demands my best; my all. Psych is 50 pages of reading for each test.
Calc requires constant attention, because we sometimes move through two topics in one 40-minute period class.
Bio? Forget about it. 3 chapters in a test. Read the textbook or die. Fall asleep and fail.
Lit is impossible, there's just no other word for it. I have to read 3 novels in the next week, because I wasn't supposed to be in the class, but now that I am, the summer reading became One-Week-Reading. We have essays and presentations to finish.
My gov class is the best out of the five, but still work. I am politically-challenged, and anything having to do with the Constitution or government never sticks in my mind. So why did I take it? AP Econ just didn't seem like the way I wanted to die. Gov seemed less painful.
That's my school load. The amount required to study for those? Hours. 3-4. At least. Because regardless of what people seem to think, I am not a genius. I do not have photographic memory; I don;t ace every test. i have to work. And sometimes, my best work is not enough. That's when I become frustrated and stressed out. That's when I develop heart problems and cry myself to sleep. That's why I live off of about 3 hours of sleep a night.
Do you see? Do you see why I can't handle anything else? I can't take stupid people; I can't handle the petty idiocy of some people in my life. That's why I don't give a shit that she's not speaking to me, it's actually a burden off of my shoulders not to have to listen to her constant problems all day long.
That's why making up with an immature ex is not first on my list; considering his feelings and mental state is not something I am concerned with. If you fucked up, it's not my job to clean up after you. I have enough on my plate. If you are going to act like a child, and give me half-ass apologies with an insincere attitude, I will not come after you to get a proper one. Sure I get pissed off beyond belief when he flirts his nonexistant penis off with random girls. But can you blame me? Here's a message for you, boy. You will never have another me.
On top off this lovely shitload, I have a condescending mother who lives to let me know how useless I am. What a waste of space I turned out to be; what a source of stress. Yes, I understand I am not as book smart as my younger sister. I understand that she clearly favors her over me; she reminds me everyday. But I can't exactly do anything about it, except pray that leaving for college will relieve this ever-growing hatred in my heart for her.
My church life is also another facet of my mess of a life, the more peaceful and loving one. Besides the fact that there are a few people who are useless and dead to me, it's where my close friends are. And I'm not going to lie, Janice, Suah, Joyce and Younggee are the four reasons I've been able to make it so far. They're my little sisters, my daughters in a way. In the midst of this shit, my tangled up mess, I will gladly throw it all down in a second to go to their aid. If any guys fucks around, or if school is a burden, or if any bitch is being a dumb shit, I will sure as hell make sure I do everything I can to make it better. Why? Because they had already done the same for me when I was in my dark place.
Jehovah Jireh comes along with this church life, and hey, I love you guys. Teaching Janice whatever she needs on vocal and/or keyboard, yelling and slapping myself into bruises to keep Danny on track, being mocked by Joe, laughing at Tim's high notes, and continuing to ignore Elliot, it's the one constant in my life. The one place I can go to and forget everything else for a minute. Meeting God again through praise is where my happy place is. Where I can actually physically feel the peace and know that during this long storm, I am still anchored down in Christ.
So you know what? I want to just BE. Just take a few moments to sit and be glad to be alive, because sometimes I'm not, to be honest with you. I've gone through my dark hour, I've been in a place where I wished I wasn't here. I've cried my share of tears, felt my share of heartbreak, and took my my fair share of stress. I'd like a minute to sit and breathe and understand that I am strong enough to get through this. That I am genuinely loved by the people in my life, and the useless ones can be forgotten. That I can sing to let my heart out, that I don't need the apporval of anyone to do what I love doing. That I have a future, and a man who's willing to love me, and a Saviour who loved me since the beginning of time. Can I do that? Am I allowed that one fucking moment?
I'm done. Done with being judged for my speech, being watched for another breakdown, being expected to succeed. I do me. And if you all can't follow, I don't care. I slow down for nobody. You can be a part of my life if you are willing to catch up.
