There was a twinge in the back of Yuta’s mind when he was directed by the secretary that he could go in now. It reminded him of when he used to stand on the rooftop edge, glancing down at the ground that was far below and everything wavered for those few seconds. His body tell him he was in danger, to step back, not to do it; an innate survival instinct that wanted to keep him safe. More than a dozen times, he’d ignored that feeling, and once again, he swallowed it down when he entered through the door into his CEO’s office. When he’d first signed to TRC–even before then–he’d not thought this would be the reason he would be entering in to see Tiger JK. His life had gone so awry in the past year and he rubbed his hands together, trying to soothe the ache in his bones from trying to hold onto the things that he realised were part of the reason everything was going wrong.
As soon as his gaze landed on his CEO, he bowed forward in greeting, lowering to waist height and then straightening up a few seconds later. Yuta’s head twisting for one last glance at the door closing behind him and then taking those few steps in past the point of no return in his head. “Thank you for seeing me,” seemed the appropriate thing to say, it’s what his sister had told him to say when they were sitting up in his lounge room past 1am and he was trying to make sense of where he’d messed up, why he couldn’t get it back together.
His eyes dart to a chair sitting opposite the desk, exhaling a held breath and focusing back on Tiger JK. It was better to stand somehow, made him feel more at ease. “I know this is probably late. I should have done it months ago… after what happened,” Yuta tries to remember what he’d planned in his head, but there was the tug of embarrassment and shame in his stomach, causing him to lower his head and look down at his feet. “I hate when people give excuses when they fuck–” He bites down on the inside of his cheek, and corrects. “When they make mistakes. So I’ll just say this, I’m sorry for not doing this sooner, when it should have been done.”
He knew why he hadn’t. It had taken nearly six months, breaking Somi’s heart and fighting with her. It had taken not being picked for center, a month of struggling not to drink, talking to Chanyeol and Taeyong, and nearly ruining his first chance to be on stage in a year. It had taken his sister asking him, how anyone was supposed to know he was sorry and trying to make amends if he didn’t say anything; when was he going to know that he had done enough that his apology would be accept; when were they meant to know he should be forgiven.
Yuta takes a breath, glancing at Tiger JK, before he continues.
“I’m sorry to you, and to the coaches, and to the company, for coming to training drunk and for drinking while I was here. I signed to TRC because it was my dream company, from back when I was in Japan. This is where I wanted to be. Here. And I wasted your time, your money, your energy. Yours and the coaches, my fellow trainees. I was disrespectful and completely..” Yuta loses traction in his words for seconds, lowering his head a fraction lower and squeezes his eyes shut to focus again. “Lacking in judgement. You could have kicked me out right then, but you didn’t.” He swallows down the lump in his throat and glances back at his CEO. “I’m thankful for that. I am. I told myself that I would apologise to you once I proved myself, but last month…”
He shakes his head again, knowing he’d fallen short once more, and he bows forward, resting at ninety-degrees. “I’m sorry for letting everyone down.” Even after a couple seconds, he remains folded over, keep his head down and blinking away the burn in the back of his eyes. The thought that he could have been kicked out months ago, that he could have not been given the chance to go to Jeju, that he would have lost everything stung when he had to acknowledge it. “And thank you, for letting me be on stage. Even though I don’t deserve it. I’ll work harder to deserve it.”
Even when he straightens up, it takes him a moment to properly meet Tiger JK’s gaze, his hands coming together in front of him, thumb pressing into his palm as he lifts his shoulders, trying to appear more determined. “I don’t want to let anyone down anymore, or waste my chance here. I’ll work harder to deserve my place here.“
Tiger JK nods to Yuta in greeting when he enters, then motions for him to take a seat, leaning back in his chair. He gives him his full and undivided attention, desk clear from any distractions, and nods again, receiving his thanks.
Whether he has nothing to say or simply doesn’t get to speak before Yuta does is unclear, but he stays quiet, perhaps uncharacteristically so, as Yuta continues, expression mostly unreadable, yet thoughtful. His lips quirk up in the slightest hint of a smile at the uttered expletive, and he nods again, early acceptance, though he stays quiet.
It’s when Yuta finishes that he finally speaks. “All of this is true,” he agrees, though to which part isn’t necessarily clear, and perhaps that’s how he intends it. “Thank you for the apology. You still have a lot of work to do, but this is a good step. I look forward to seeing where that hard work gets you, Yuta-ssi. I was hoping you wouldn’t give up so easily.”
