America gets interesting whenever powerful people can't agree on what they want you to fear.
@hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 72
The opposite of horny is mexican food. Don't... don't touch me.
@CcSteff (Stephanie) – 62
I swear, you lose a baby just once and everyone questions your parenting ability. She didn't go that far. Hooters is a fairly small place.
@thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 57
The correct response to "We have way too much laundry to do!" is not "That's because one of us wouldn't go back on The Pill, sweetums."
@zuhl (Jon Deal) – 53
I was going to try to fit some fungus onto this hamburger, but there isn't mushroom.
@seanhussey (Sean Hussey) – 53
Said: "I'm balls-deep in work."
Implied: "I'm banging my secretary."
Reality: "My dick is stuck in a printer."
@secretsquirrel (Ryan Bateman) – 50
Life would be easier if you could mark people as spam.
@secretsquirrel (Ryan Bateman) – 47
Me: Let's watch a Jane Austen movie.
Him: I don't want to watch Cat Lady Porn tonight.
@shoesonwrong (Annie) – 47
If I seduce it, really get it going, then leave it alone for ten minutes, maybe this paper will finish itself.
@katefeetie (Katie Rose) – 47
Profoundly funny tweet #1269471554 (?)
@luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 46
Giving up dating supermodels for Lent has proven surprisingly easy.
@joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 46
Died for our sins.
Resurrection.
Extended period of time in desert.
Jet-Powered Roller Skates.
CONCLUSION: Wile E. Coyote = Jesus.
@sween (Jason Sweeney) – 45
MARRIAGE TIP: If you accidentally wet the bed, just tell your wife you had a dream she got stung by a jellyfish. Then you are a hero!
@CranberryPerson (N/A) – 42
Jim's manner of sleeping can be described as "all up in my bidness."
@CcSteff (Stephanie) – 42
"It doesn't matter if you win or lose, it's how you play the game."
- some loser
@sween (Jason Sweeney) – 42
i just ate so much salad for dinner. a pancake salad with maple syrup dressing.
@baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 39
My apartment is overdue for a solid cleaning. I just vacuumed up enough fur to make a merkin for Godzilla.
@gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 38
You know what this guitar needs? Lessons.
@Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 36
The Simpsons cut off because NASCAR ran 45 minutes late?! The Democrats are in power, why is NASCAR still on?
@joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 34
Why can't my computer scrounge around for parts and fix itself? I've seen Wall-E, so I know it's possible.
@badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 34
