#zzy yaps

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omega ilya rozanov using his own slick as lube when he fucks his alpha send post

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scott and kip put into words/visuals the way it feels both to be the one trapped in the closet, and the one trapped outside.

as someone who's been with partners that didn't feel ready to be public not just about their partner specifically but about their sexuality, i felt so seen through kip as a character.

he knew that it wasn't necessarily any fault of his own as to why scott wasn't ready, but the hurt still remained. it's so hard to feel like a dirty/shameful secret, and harder still to feel that way while also arguing for why the other person is still a good lover to the few that are in the know.

my secret closet lover was years ago, and i still think of them as the one that got away. i ended it myself just like kip did, after over a year, because they still weren't ready to tell their family, and even though i was more in love with them than i maybe have ever been since. i just couldn't handle feeling like a 'dirty' secret that needed to be hidden away. even though both then and now i understood why it was too hard for them to say anything.

now, that person is in a relationship publicly that is almost like what we had, but not quite. i still find myself looking, wondering if they were ever truly honest with their loved ones, and if things would have been different for us if i'd stuck it out.

it's so hard to know that you'd be putting everything on the line. and it's so hard to know that there's a chance you aren't worth that risk in the long run. scott and kip demonstrate that awful difficult dynamic so so well - the dichotomy between the most beautiful, soul-changing love you've ever felt, against the most painful, burning shame and discomfort you've ever experienced.

if you've been a scott OR if you've been a kip, your experience is so real and so valid. it's just so hard when they don't work out. sometimes they stay as your right person/wrong time.

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heated rivalry has rekindled my love for fandom in a way i haven't felt since i was in high school, and it's made me want to start writing fic again for the first time in YEARS

many moons ago (nearly ten fucking years) i had a popular stantwt+ao3 that i deleted out of shame when i outgrew the fandom and i'm so devastated that i never archived any of my old work, some of them were kinda good

and now i might not be doing my masters for another year so i'll have an awful lot of free time... look out hollanov ao3 i might have to make a reappearance

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sorry to everyone who just saw the million hollanova posts i just reblogged… the call of beefy sweaty sports lesbians just does something to my brain i can’t handle it 🤤

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i lost it but that post calling quinn hughes the irl shane hollander makes me giggle so much

bcs yes generational talent etc but let's be real, if it weren't for yuna hollander's intense media training on how to act when cameras are around, shane would 1000% be hitting the quinn hughes thousand yard stare(TM) at every moment and i love that for him

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ok this might be tmi on my part BUT

the most unrealistic part of hr to me is how *dry* they look after sucking dick. especially in the hayden phone scene, like you cannot tell me that ilya was going THAT HARD on shane and he didn’t need to wipe his mouth off at ALL ??? i don’t believe it

also i think it would’ve been really hot for him to have to wipe away spit/cum after so maybe i’m just projecting my own freak but idk…

(that or i’m not giving blowies correctly but who knows)

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since i've not been studying this year (accidental gap year wahey) i've not been able to study at the uni libraries and subsequently haven't been able to write fic there either :(

to fill my time around work shifts and to give myself some idea of routine so i don't go insane i've been going to my local public library (yay super good support your local libraries) even tho i live in the sketchiest place in my city (i am so brave)

last time i came here ao3 was down, so i wasn't so bothered that i couldn't access it bcs duh

HOWEVER

i have just discovered that ao3 as a whole is simply BLOCKED on this library wifi ???!!!! and i don't have a phone charger today so i can't hotspot myself all day?!

why would they do this to me. what do they know. i am so sad.

(more reason to do actual writing and real work? i would never.)

(i've been meaning to send one single email for weeks)

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telling myself that if i write at least 1k for my hollanov fic tonight i can go have a cigarette lmao positive reinforcement or whatever