Balancing My Submission and My Mental Health
As some of you may know, since I’ve talked about it on here from time to time, I’ve spent the last year or so taking an intensive crash course in mental health – particularly my mental health. I’ve been in programs, I’ve been in intensive therapy, I’ve been learning lots of coping mechanisms and skills, and I’ve been learning how to take care of and stand up for myself.
The thing that happened though was that I had a bit of an identity crisis. See, what we’ve basically been doing is figuring out the deep darks that are hidden in my past that have wired me to act the way I do and hurt myself the way I do and be the person I am. It’s hard, see, because I let people walk all over me. I’m mean to myself – cruel, really. I feel like it’s not okay for me to express negative emotions, to feel them even. They make me feel bad and worthless and awful and no good. But that’s neither here nor there in the boundaries of this piece, really. The point is, that I’ve been delving way deep into my brain and my motives and my emotions and the things I want and don’t want and exploring the why of all of that. Why do I treat myself this way? Why do I want these things? Why am I the way I am? All with the goal of rewiring my brain and my behaviors to help me be kinder to myself. To help prevent the kind of downward spiral that ended me up in program in the first place. My rape was the catalyst that caused me to hit rock bottom – but the truth is that I was headed there no matter what and if it hadn’t been one thing then it would have been another.
And they were telling me this in program and therapy. They were asking me about who I was and what I wanted. And they were talking about all of these things that our mental illness makes us do due to the negative thought patterns and unhealthy coping mechanisms and the like. And the stuff they were listing? It all sounded like things that could either be maladaptive coping mechanisms…or my submissiveness.
And I freaked out. Like literally freaked the fuck out. My submission – being a submissive – was a cornerstone of my identity. It was one of the only parts of myself of which I was absolutely sure. It was a huge part of who I was and the life I wanted for myself. From the day I had learned that being a submissive was a thing and that D/s existed, I knew that I was a sub. It’s what I was born for. It’s what I was built for. It’s who I wanted to be – who I needed to be. And yet, here they were in program talking about how wanting to give up control over decisions and wanting to please other people and the like were all maladaptive coping mechanisms that came about as a result of my mental illness. And I didn’t know what to do.
Don’t worry – after some intense self-exploration upon leaving program I realized that it wasn’t the tendencies that I considered an essential part of my submission that was the problem – but rather, the manifestation of those tendencies in a way that was unhealthy and uncontrolled. Where a D/s relationship (done right) by its very nature has well-defined limits and boundaries and expectations, non-D/s relationships are, in my experience, much murkier. (Not to say that D/s relationships can’t be murky and vanilla relationships can’t be incredibly well-wrought and communicated – just that my personal experience has slanted one way.) And so I was engaging in relationships and friendships with people where my desire to please and my desire to give up control of decisions and be led was being taken advantage of and abused and turned on me in a way that kept me in a constantly precarious mental state.
My desire to give up control over important decisions, when not in an established D/s dynamic, turned into a boyfriend who constantly backed me into situations I didn’t want to be in because when I expressed my discomfort or whatever he pointed out that I’d “asked him to choose” and I didn’t think I had a right to protest any further.
My innate need to please and desire to serve turned into giving into sexual pressure over and over again from a different boyfriend because I didn’t want to disappoint him and make him feel like I was rejecting him if I said no.
My inability to disappoint people turned into me never turning down a project at work and, thus, overloading my workload because I couldn’t say no and my bosses knew it.
And I found myself wondering, once I realized that I really was a submissive and did want a D/s relationship (and that it wasn’t just my mental illness talking), if this new knowledge about my mental health meant that I was forever doomed to having to choose between being mentally balanced or sexually fulfilled. If I had doomed myself to a life of relationships where I picked the wrong guy and ended up taken advantage of.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t place the blame of this entirely on other people. Part of it is years of conditioning that has taught me to act and behave the way I do. Part of it is my inability to stand up for myself or my clamping down on things instead of saying what I want to say. I take responsibility for my part of it. No one is truly in control of me except for me. People can be douchebags who take advantage of weakness, but the weakness was mine.
Which brings me to my other hurdle: the firm belief that it is not up to someone else to save me or heal me. It’s up to me. The only person who can “fix” me – who can tackle these issues and help me undo the years of damage and negative core beliefs and self-esteem issues – is me. Other people can support me while I do it, other people can affirm me while I do it, other people can tell me they love me while I do it – but the only person who can fix me is…me.
And how am I supposed to serve if I’m focused on fixing myself? How am I supposed to serve when one wrong twist can send me back down the hole where submission becomes maladaptive coping? How am I supposed to serve when I feel like I’m walking a tightrope between two mountainous peaks? How?
Which brings me to my point. I can. I can serve and take care of my mental illness. I can balance the two. I just have to remember some very important things while I do.
1. Boundaries are important.
I need boundaries in place that are going to allow me to keep myself balanced. I need boundaries in place that make sure that when I’m having a Bad Day – a day when my mental illness isn’t staying leashed in its corner where it snarls and growls and gnashes its teeth, but where it has, instead, broken its lead and is tearing up the inside of my brain – that our dynamic shifts to reflect that. That’s not to say that a Bad Day means I don’t want to serve. It just means that the service needs to be more about kneeling at my Dom’s feet and being held tight and snuggled up. It needs to be a softer kind of service and less a scene-based kind of service.
I need boundaries in place that set-up check-ins. I need boundaries in place that give me days to go introvert. I can’t spend every second of every day with someone. That’s too much for me. I need alone time. And I need that to be an understanding and boundary built into my relationship. Even with my Dom. We need separate time – I need separate time for my own peace of mind – and I can serve him even if I’m not standing in the same room as him. Even if he’s not right in front of me, even if I’m not actively doing an action that counts as service, he’s still there in my head, I’m still thinking of him and what would please him and what he’d choose for me. Service doesn’t end just because we’re not physically together.
There are some things I know that I need. There are other things that I’m still figuring out that I need. But either way I need to communicate those needs to my Dom and make sure that our relationship has boundaries set into place. Limits and boundaries and safewords are an important part of any good D/s relationship. I, personally, think that those boundaries and limits can be more than just sexual. And, for me, I know that for the sake of balancing my submission and my mental health that my dynamic has to include those non-sexual boundaries.
2. I have to communicate with my Dom.
I have to tell him what I need. I have to tell him what I’m thinking. I have to tell him the warning signs that I know to look for. I have to tell him when I’m starting to feel dark or twisty or scared or sad. I have to tell him when the negative voices in my head are starting to drown him out. Because when I give myself to a Dom? His voice is always there in the back of my head, reminding me he loves me, reminding me he wants what’s best for me, asking me what he would want me to do or choose. But when I head into the Dark Place? It drowns out all of those voices and pulls me under if it gets enough traction.
So I need to communicate with him. I need to take him into therapy sessions with me regularly (every few months or so seems to be the sweet spot for me with my support system) so that we can make sure we’re on the same page, so that we can fine tune our system, so that we can make sure that there’s nothing he needs to know that I haven’t told him. And vice versa. For me, I sometimes don’t realize things until I’m in the middle of saying them in therapy – and if I’m in the Dark Place when those things come out of my mouth I get scared to share them with others. I worry that I’m going to hurt them or scare them or make them freak out. And I need to share those fears with my Dom.
And this comes back to boundaries a little bit too. Because one of those boundaries has to be that he pushes me when he feels that I need to be pushed. And I’m not talking about on my sexual limits – I’m talking about when I’m in my head and going to the Dark Place and don’t realize I’m going there yet but he sees it. He needs to talk to me. He needs to tell me he’s worried about me. He needs to insist that I hear him. And that may make me mad. It may make me upset. It may hurt me. But fights happen in relationships. And if you never have a fight then that means you aren’t talking – and that’s the surest way to end up in an unhealthy place.
I need to talk to him. Because alone with your mental illness is the worst and scariest and most damaging place to be.
3. I need to separate my submission from my mental illness.
I am submissive. I am so submissive. There is no doubt in my mind that I was born to be anything else. I am submissive.
You know what’s not submissive? My mental illness. It’s not submissive to me. It’s not submissive to others. It’s got a mind of its own. I can tame it and control it and tamp it down with coping mechanisms and skills and my journal. There are ways to control it. But there are also times where it rages up and sucker punches me in the face and takes control. And my mental illness? She is not a sub. She’s the opposite of a sub. That bitch will top from the bottom to get her way.
And I need to communicate that to my Dom. He needs to know that there may be times where I’m not entirely in control of what I’m doing – that it’s not his sub who is acting out, but her mental illness. And that punishment and reactions need to be handled accordingly. If I act out? I do think there should be an appropriate punishment. But sometimes acting out is a cry for help. And if that happens, I need the help. I need the firm hand not to spank me at that point, but to lead me. Take my hand and lead me out. (And we can deal with any need for punishment later.)
Some people will have problems with this idea of being a separate person from your mental illness. But that’s the best way for me to cope with mine and handle it. I think of her as this separate beast that hides in my head and sometimes is able to come out of her corner and take over my mind and my body and my emotions. I’m still responsible for what I’m doing and how I’m acting and the things I say. But it’s an entirely different me who is doing and acting and saying.
My mental illness is not submissive. At least not always. Not to me. Not to anyone else. And once my mental illness has me by the balls, it doesn’t like to let go. I need to learn to not hate myself for the times when my mental illness makes me bratty or misbehave but to, instead, ask for help – or listen if my Dom is telling me I need help – and move on from it and learn for next time.
4. I need to talk to my doctors.
I am lucky enough to have a kink-friendly therapist. She is wonderful. I’ve been with her for seven years and when I finally told her that I am submissive and this is the lifestyle I want she went out and educated herself and has been so great about it. I know that not all therapists are kink-friendly. (Link to where you can find your own kink-friendly professional!) But I need to talk to her. That goes to communicating.
It’s more than that though. I need to know how my dynamic impacts my brain chemistry. Because…meds. Now, I don’t know enough about biology to know how that crap works. I hated bio and I don’t want to know it. But I know my body. I know what feels right and feels wrong. I know how I’m supposed to feel – especially now that I’ve had times with the right meds.
I also know that I enjoy a dynamic that has an intense edging and orgasm denial regimen. I like that. I want that. But it impacts my mood. (I assume it does something to your brain chemistry?) For me, being that constantly turned on and doing it at my Dom’s behest is like riding a high. It is literally a high. Like so fucking buzzed. And then when he finally lets me cum, it’s amazing – but I also crash down from that high. Like subdrop. Except I’ve got meds that are supposed to be calibrated to my body and brain chemistries and all of that fun stuff. Like I said, I don’t know the specifics.
My point is this: I need to talk to my doctor. Even if I’m not comfortable getting into the whole joy of orgasm denial, I need to tell her that I am in situations that regularly make me feel like I’m on a high and then when I am out of that situation that it feels like a huge drop. My doctor needs to know. Maybe not all of the details – but at least how my day-to-day routine is impacting my mood and any big ups or downs that may happen.
If my meds aren’t working then I can’t keep my mental illness under control. And if I can’t keep that under control then it takes me away from being the submissive I want to be. In order to serve I need to be healthy. And in order to be healthy, I need to be honest with my doctor.
5. I need a weekly “sharing time” with my Dom.
For me, that means a journal that I share with my Dom. This one probably won’t work for everyone. Honestly? I’m not even sure it will work for me. The idea of letting someone else read my journal terrifies me. But I also know that I communicate best in writing. I work things out while I’m writing. I surprise myself while I’m writing. (This bullet point? A fucking surprise, tbh.)
But I think whether it’s a journal that I keep specifically for him where I write down things he needs to know, things I’m feeling, things I can’t figure out how to say out loud and he reads it and we discuss (or he writes back to me) – or my own personal journal that I share with him. Or a journal that he and I have a weekly or bi-weekly or whatever-ly meeting where I read things to him from it…
However it works, a journal needs to be a part of our relationship. And if it’s not a journal, then it needs to be a time once per week where we sit down and go balls-to-the-wall honest with each other about my mental state.
I recognize the need for communication. I recognize the need for honesty. I recognize the need for boundaries. I also recognize that, for me, I can get caught up in my own head. And that journaling helps me with that. And I need to share that with my Dom. Because if he doesn’t have all of the information then he can’t help me. He can’t be there for me. He can’t take care of me. And I am his and he has the right to be able to take care of what is his.
We tell new subs all the time that it’s okay to safeword. That it’s okay to call a stop. That it’s okay to bring things to a halt. And I need to remind myself of that. I need to remind myself that I’m not bad if I can’t do something or don’t want to do something. I’m not bad if I need to say no. I need to remind myself that if it comes down to a choice between my mental health and keeping up with a specific protocol, that it’s okay to take a step back. That if it’s one of those days where even the idea of getting out of bed seems like an insurmountable task likely to make me to burst into tears? It’s okay to say to my Dom, Hey, it’s a Dark Day, can we take a minute and talk about how we can shift the plan for the protocol today?
Being a sub and serving him doesn’t automatically mean that I have given myself up to every single thing always and forever. Safewords exist for a reason. Communication exists for a reason. And it’s better to talk first than to keep my mouth shut and pay the price later. Because if I don’t pay attention to what my mental illness is telling me then that can have lasting damage. And I don’t want that. And neither does my Dom.
And I need to remember that it’s okay. That I’m not bad or worthless or awful for needing to stop sometimes. For needing to say no sometimes. Submission is hard work and it requires dedication even when you don’t want to do things. But mental illness is hard work too – and it requires shifting even when you, you know, don’t want to do that. But by talking and communicating I can balance both of those things.
7. I can’t blame things on my mental illness that don’t have to do with my mental illness.
I have a cousin who is bipolar and I watch her do this all the time. It drives me batshit crazy. But there’s also this niggling voice in the back of my head that says how easy it would be to blame an outburst or a temper tantrum or bad behavior on my mental illness. And I can’t do that. Not with my Dom. That wouldn’t be fair to him and that wouldn’t be fair to me. That’s part of why we need such intense communication and honesty. Because he needs to be able to tell the difference and I need to know that he can tell the difference. And I also need to know that to lie like that would be manipulative as fuck and totally not fucking okay. Not only that, but it would undermine the dynamic.
My mental illness isn’t there to be a scapegoat for my bad behavior – especially not with him. Sometimes my bad behavior is honestly a result of my mental illness. But sometimes it’s just me being a brat. I need to recognize the difference and own up to the difference. And I need him to hold me accountable for it.
8. I have to remember how strong and good my Dom is for being part of my support system.
I say this one because sometimes I forget. I need to remember how hard this can be on my support system. I need to thank my Dom for being willing to work through this with me and communicating me and looking out for me. He can’t fix me but he can be there with me while I fix myself – and he can love me and trust me and protect me and hold onto me when I feel like I’m falling apart. And I want to do those same things for him. I just need to remember that he’s doing this because he wants to, because he loves me. And I need to do my best to be honest and open and true with him because he deserves that. And, like I said, if I’m not then he can’t take care of me. And I am his. I am always his. And he has a right to be able to take care of what is his. And that means he has a right to all of the necessary information.
My mental health may not be submissive, but I am. And I can balance those two things – with honesty and communication and the willingness to let my Dom guide me and lead me and help me. And the reminder that it’s not my job to be perfect, it’s just my job to pleasing for him and that’s the closest to perfect I need to be.
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