Again...
Why we argue so much, I dont know. Arguing with him is the last thing I want to do, especially now that I have a baby to take care of.
I think it really is I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that I could potentially have post partum depression and that my feelings have reasons and its okay to feel sad or overwhelmed. But if they are in any way "negative", especially if they concern him, then I'm "acting like a child"...
The other day I was being honest with him about how I feel like everyone would be better off if I wasnt around. He decided to get all philosophical and say how, of course, everyone would habe easier lives if no one was around, but then thered be no people. So I tried to give him an example about how I always felt that my mom's life wouldve been a lot easier if I weren't around, since she hasnt had nearly as much trouble with my siblings as she and I seemed to have. And his reaction was "of course her life wouldve been easier without you". With the state of mind I was in at that time, that was not what I needed to hear. I spent the next few days feeling as if I wasnt needed, as if I only brought trouble into everyones life.
I know that I have value, but more often then not I feel that I just fail at life and I fail him and maybe he'd be happier if we'd never married and maybe our daughter will be happier with a different mother...
I'm sorting a lot of things, new feelings and revelations... But because he's already been through depression, its old news to him and I need to step up my game, stop crying, get myself together and don't cry in front of the baby. I wish he'd be a bit more patient... A bit more sympathetic...
#new mother #feelings #idonthavedepression #or do i #midwifesaysmaybe #idontwantdepression #icantbedepressed #ihadagoodchildhood #failing #whydoikeepfailing
