into the light

Madison⚡️SoCal⚡️28⚡️ your friendly neighborhood bisexual 💖😈🦋

[takingrootinthislife]

“Take care of yourself”

The end.

I’ve never been good at the end. Never good at goodbye.

Thank you.

I need that thank you to truly sit. Thank you for giving me the end I needed. There’s never any closure but there is this. An ending that doesn’t end in vitriol.

“Take care of yourself” are the last words you’ll say to me. I couldn’t imagine anything more. Thank you for giving me an end that spoke truth to the reality of it all. I’m sorry I kept it cryptic in all the ways I did because I didn’t want to be the one to say it. Thank you for saying it. For putting everything into words the way you always did.

We were only a season for each other and that’s what I mourn, it’s what I’ve been refusing. Thank you for the “closure” you’ve given me to work towards the acceptance. Thats my final piece to work through on my own. Thank you for giving me all you could.

With everything I have in me,

Take care of yourself.

[corvid-language-library]

Remember that if you want to do more of something, you have to do less of something else. It's that time of year where people set goals for the new year and they have plans and hopes and it's always focusing on what they want to do more of. More studying, more exercise, more crafting, more socialising, more making things from scratch. Okay, great. What are you going to do less of in order to have the time and energy to do more of those things you really want to do?

[corvid-language-library]

And if your answer to this is "less doomscrolling" or "less bedrotting" then great, but please think about why you're doing those things. No one's doomscrolling or bedrotting because they don't have things they'd rather be doing. Actually, I'm willing to bet you have a lot of things you'd rather be doing and you spend your life internally screaming at yourself to do literally any one of the many things you want to be doing instead, but you don't have the energy for them all and you can't work out how to prioritize them, so doomscrolling spares you from making that decision. Or perhaps you're burned out from taking on too many projects and you need to rest your brain, so you lie in bed because you don't even have the energy to get started anymore.

This is going to be a really hard pill to swallow, but the truth is you might not be able to balance all your hobbies and all your projects the way you'd like. If you want to finish writing that book, you might have to reduce your daily drawing habit to a couple of times a week. If you want to do yoga every morning, you might have to accept not cooking from scratch as often. If you want to spend more time with your family, you might have to cut down on your yearly reading goal. I'm not saying give up on your hobbies; I'm be realistic with your time and your energy and be kind to yourself. Stop expecting yourself to do more and do better every single year. You don't have to constantly be growing upwards and reaching for the stars; you can be content with where you are, or even cut parts of yourself back to make space for other things in your life to bloom.

Think about what your priorities are and make peace with doing less of other things. Less is okay. Less is not failing. Less is self care.

[takingrootinthislife]

You don’t care about what’s going on in my world, it all sounds like an excuse to you. It breaks my heart that that’s how you view it.

I’ve never met anyone like you, like there’s this deep desire to punish me. At this point indifference would be better. I wish you’d just hate me enough to not even care, but instead you seem intent on making it known just how much distain for me you have.

[takingrootinthislife]

I don’t walk away from our conversations because I can’t take accountability. I walk away because you do everything you can to punish me. There is no room for softness, there is no room for mistakes, there is no gentle vulnerability, there is no connection.

Everything I say and do is wrong. Proven in the time you spent to make a diagram to tell me “this is all the ways you could’ve handled it, but didn’t”. When I was telling you how you could hold space for me better, asking you for softness in the first place.

I will keep repeating the pattern until I learn the lesson. Thank you ONCE AGAIN (facepalm) for reminding me of who you are. I don’t know why I keep believing that soft version of you exists. I give you chance after chance only to have you spit in my face every time.

[stuckinapril]

Truest thing ever unfortunately

[mashriqiyyah]

Personal growth is mostly about the internal work. You could change your surroundings, your clothing, change hairstyle and behave in different way... but that's not actually gonna help you if you don't ever ponder on your heart, your soul, your thoughts and then try changing it for better.

[takingrootinthislife]

I’ll keep repeating the pattern until I learn the lesson. Until I learn acceptance.

[127leilas]

true

[goldcoasthoney]

I’ve made peace with past versions of me so you cannot use them against my present self

[takingrootinthislife]

Do you ever feel like you could be soft with me again?

I ache for you

[takingrootinthislife]

Healed but human —the fallen poet

[takingrootinthislife]

I saw you today in the moet vending machine at the hotel downtown. I remembered our trip to San Diego, (I’m so glad I took that video) I can picture it perfectly.

I saw you in the capybara at the coffeeshop, I saw you in the the pikmin plushie at dylynns.

Discord wanted me to acknowledge our 3 year anniversary. I almost thought about sending you a gif, a congrats. It made me wonder if you’d block me.

I wanted to reach out, I’m still fighting myself not to. It makes me wonder if all of these are tests. Like I’m proving to myself that I won’t cave, won’t throw us back into the vicious cycle.

I’m still here — wishing things were different. Wishing we were in the alternate reality where we worked out, I hadn’t hurt you and been hurt by you.

Even with all the hurt I’m the most mad at myself for still believing that there’s a reality where we stopped getting at each others throats, forgave each other, we did the work and it was felt by us both, one where we built a life and a family together, one where made it out together.

I never committed because I couldn’t trust in anything, I didn’t know who I was (and I needed that), not because I didn’t want it with you.

[scorpionlafemme]

[scorpionlafemme]

[lunamonchtuna]

to be seen without performing. to be heard without screaming. to be missed without disappearing. to be enough without proving it. to be held without falling apart. to be understood without explaining. to be wanted without conditions. to be. to be.

[takingrootinthislife]

I won’t reach out to you (and I’ll wish you would). I won’t tell you that I’m home and I’ll get back on the plane with a knot in my stomach. (I’m crying again) I wish this wouldn’t hurt like it does. I wish I didn’t miss you like I do. This is the reality, nothing changes that. Why can’t I just accept that. Why do I always want to keep trying, what am I trying to prove?

[rockshitty]

Yearning for what you can never have is beginner level. Real yearners know the good shit is what you could freely have if you allowed yourself to, but never will.

[takingrootinthislife]