Tales From Site (REDACTED)

Agent Rabbit's personal files, general Foundation silliness, the odd helpful hint or two

[arithecreatorsstuff]

AGENT (REDACTED) HAS A BAD DAY

It started out so well. I had a good breakfast, managed to start work on time despite Dr. Bright hogging the coffee maker in the break room (again), and had just gotten my first assignments of the day. Then I saw it. My first test would likely be my last... try and talk to 076-2. Yikes.

"Who on O5 did I offend this badly?" I wondered as I headed to the cell. As I passed my fellow staffers, many gave me pitying looks. "There goes a doomed idiot girl, poor thing has no idea what's coming." Great. And now I heard voices. It seemed all but official, I am done for.

I bypass the guards, the security, and step into the killing corridor. I hate this place, it reeks of blood, death, and futility no matter how deep the clean. Plus, it's always cold. I wish I wore thermal leggings under my sensible knit dress.

I reach the cube at the end, and as politely as possible, I knock on the door. "Excuse me, Mr. 076-2? I'm sorry to bother you, sir, but the higher ups would like me to talk to you. As I'm just a dumb as hell agent, I'll understand if you're not inclined. That being said, I do have to make the attempt." I pause, and realize just how dumb I sound. "I'm stepping away from the door now, sir." I take a few steps back, and wait.

I was just about to apologize again, and walk away in defeat when the door opened. And my impending doom stepped out. I assumed a defensive position, and awaited death.

"Mr. 076-2? They are sending me a new pigeon, and one not likely to get much older. Such a shame, as manners are lacking in modern generations." I could feel the anomaly sizing me up. "Just what is your age, young one?"

"26, hoping to see 27 in three months, sir."

"Those arrogant fools send children now. Tragic."

"I agree, sir... but I'm a mere cog in the machine. Nothing I can really do."

A few seconds of awkward silence. Then, the anomaly yanked me out of my cowering pose. "You are young, but with my help, you will survive longer than without. Your training begins now."

"Okay... going to warn you... I'm not great with fighting."

"Which is why I am training you." 076-2 handed me a sword. "You know what this is?"

"A sword, sir. And razor sharp."

"Good. You're already smarter than my last student. Now, try and stab me with it."

I grip the sword in both hands. "It's a bit heavy, Mr. 076-2. Got anything lighter?"

"Just try and attack me."

A few back and forth skirmishes, several small lacerations and bruises, some impromptu tips from my teacher, a LOT of profanity on my end, and one majorly embarrassing crying jag later, the anomaly helps me to my feet one more time.

"You learn quickly, little rabbit." I nod, too caught off guard and winded to say much. "You will come here two times a week, until your training is complete."

"Yes, Mr. 076-2."

"Until then, practice your footwork. You're doing well, for someone who claims they are no warrior. Little Rabbit, you are more a warrior than you think. You have earned the privilege of calling me Abel."

I gulp. "Th-thank you, Master Abel."

"Master?" 076-2 looks at me and sort of laughs. "I should warn you, I am a harsh master, if I am your master."

"Sorry, sir. Old habit from karate lessons long ago."

"Nevertheless, I appreciate your respect. You are dismissed. We will meet the day after tomorrow."

"Yes, Master." I bow, and am just about to leave when Abel spoke again.

"Oh, Agent? You're very sweet, and I do hope these swine do not manage to grind that out of you. I so rarely meet such a lovely young woman." I could feel myself growing red. "Be careful, and tell Dr. Bright if he gives you any trouble, as my student he'll have to deal with both of us."

"Thank you Master. But as a lowly field agent, I'm usually beneath Bright's notice. I will inform him, though, as instructed."

"Excellent. Until we meet again, Little Rabbit."

Task 1 complete, I set off for a hot shower, and possibly a new dress. If this keeps up, I may have to start buying all my clothes in bulk. At least my underwear isn't showing. Once in the privacy of my shower, I check my injuries. And wish I could just shut off my pain receptors.

Yeah... if I survive the training, I may be nigh unstoppable.

[talesfromsiteredacted]

The Garden of Inter-Site Tranquility

Everyone here has a side project, it seems. Dr. Gears builds robots, Dr. Clef tortures people via ukulele, Dr. Iceberg is a very good archer. Me? I like playing in the dirt, planting stuff. And, thanks to a little help from my friends... hard work is paying off handsomely. We have the only rooftop park/zen garden/flower garden in the Foundation, so far.

It took years, and tons of wheeling, dealing, and in one memorable case, outright stealing, but... it is finished. The Garden of Inter-Site Tranquility. A quaint little rooftop slice of heaven. Pretty sure Granddad would love it. He ought to, he inspired it in a way.

It's no Shangri-la, nor will it ever be anything as grand as Eden, but it's ours. A modest little gazebo with seating, surrounded by roses and other delightful flora. A brick path to a Zen garden, a small tea area, and the tool shed. There's even a small koi pond, with a stone fountain. There's a bonsai pine in the corner, this Hogswatch I'll decorate it.

First though... I need to plan a bit more. If I want this to be something everyone enjoys, I need ground rules. But... I can't resist the urge to show off the hard work. I get an idea. 166 never gets to do anything outside. Since technically neither of us are leaving Foundation grounds, maybe Meri would like a bit of fresh air?

I head to her quarters, and knock on her door.

"Hi, Meri? I'm Dr. Snow, and I'd like to ask a tiny, harmless favor, if I may."

"Dr. Snow? Ah, I think I remember you. The Hoodoo doll lady, right?" I could listen to Meri all day, there's just something about an Irish accent that sits right in the ear, Nan says. I have to agree.

"Yep, that I am. Only today I have something different in mind. I kind of did a thing, a rooftop oasis in this depressing concrete labyrinth. I'd like your honest informal opinion on it, if you're willing?"

"Absolutely, my dear Dr. Snow. Any excuse to breathe nonrecyled air. Lay on, good Doctor." The door opens, and we head to the roof. I open the access door, and Meri laughs.

"Dr. Snow, this is incredible. It's a little miracle from God. Sister Agnes, rest her soul, would love this. There's even a rose garden! I love roses. You didn't do all this by yourself, did ye?"

"I had a lot of help, from 343 and Cain helping plan the layout, the boys in Procurement getting me supplies and plants, had tips on koi pond management from Agent Arrisoka's granddad, I even bribed a few D-Class with free beer and pizza to help with planting and labor. It was a huge project, but worth it." I ran a hand through my messy hair. "Since you don't get out a lot, I thought you'd like a sneak peak before the grand public unveiling."

"Rather sweet of you, Dr. Snow. I have to say, this is lovely." So is the smile on Meri.

"Once I open it to everyone, I'll have to schedule some time blocks so that you and some of our other residents can enjoy it too. After all, it's nice to see the flowers, hear the bees and birds flying about, and get away for a bit even if we never actually leave the grounds."

"Aye, that it is." We take a stroll along the path leading to the koi pond. "Dr. Snow... do the other doctors know about this? I'd hate for you to get into trouble."

"They know. Dr. Gears even sent up the gravel for the Zen garden. Dr. Clef helped too, just don't ask where those koi came from."

"I'm more worried about how he got them here."

"Very carefully, was the answer I got. I didn't want to know more."

"Probably best not to look gift koi too deeply in the mouth anyhow." We have a good chuckle over Clef. I love him, but he does tend to be a bit of a kleptomaniac. He's certainly always stealing kisses from me, at least.

After a while, the daylight begins to fade.

"We should head back, they'll miss me at head count if I'm not there."

"Good idea. I did promise Dr. Gears first rake of the Zen garden, there's just enough light left by the time we get you home."

Speaking of Dr. Gears, I ran into him once I got Meri in her quarters. I just wordlessly handed him the gravel rake, and headed back up to the roof with him in tow. I must have outdid even my expectations, I never heard Dr. Gears whistle before. Yet, here he is, whistling as he rakes. 343 help me, I think I might be on to something here.

[talesfromsiteredacted]

Joint Notice From O5 Counsel and Site Command:

Whomever put the Weeping Angel costumes on 096, 173, and 106...

You have a five minute head start to flee. Should you survive the onslaught of the Red Right Hand, the Hard-to-Destroy Reptile, AND 076-2, your access to the BBC and their fine programming will be limited to documentaries.

And 343 help the next fool who tries this. It isn't funny, no one laughed, and now we need 100 more D-Class.

[talesfromsiteredacted]

Testing: Phase Two

O5 wants to see firsthand how I'd handle myself in a legitimate breach. Lucky for them, and unlucky for me... Big Brother woke up and chose violence. He trashed his quarters, is chasing the guards around, classic Abel on a rampage. All because Agent Dimitriov had to take a few days to say good bye to his dying mother. So, into the Semetic dragon's den go I. Honestly... I have a bad feeling about this, kids.

Great. He was doing so well. Then, sadly, Dimi lost his mom. Thus, Abel is now tearing apart the killing corridor piece by piece. Just in time for O5 to see just how much I learned from Big Brother. So, it's just me going in. Clef is livid. He's trailing behind myself and the O5, shouting at them.

"You can't be serious, sending Rabbit in alone. And unarmed? She's not ready. You're not throwing her into the deep end, you're throwing her to a very angry shark." At this, O5-12 spins on his heel.

"Do you have a better idea on determining if our Rabbit can swim? Besides, this line of reasoning is almost comical coming from you, Dr. Clef. Are you, or are you not, known for "simulating" type Green attacks in your classes?"

"Yeah, but-"

"This is no different. Rabbit can do this. We have faith in her. Now, stop coddling her and let her get on with it. Proceed with testing, Dr. Snow." I swallow my nerves and approach the doors. Just before I go in, Clef stops me.

"Be careful, Snowbunny. I'd hate to have to find a new assistant, you're a tough act to follow." I force myself to smile before I answer.

"No worries, I'll be fine. But... if I survive I think I earned takeout."

"Done. Try not to die, Snowbunny." A quick hug, a passing kiss on the cheek, and... into the mouth of hell I go. I try not to wince when the doors close behind me.

I reach the killing corridor proper, and don't even get to wince before Big Brother is swinging at my head with a kopesh. I teleport behind him, kick him down. Then, he gets up and tackles me. He punches my head, but finds only the steel plating where I was. I stab him in his left leg with an ice shard. Bad call. He just yanks it out, flings it back at my head. I duck, it shatters. Before I can recover, I'm dodging a flurry of punches while trying to hit him back. This... is going to get me killed. But... if I can pull this off, it might take some of the fight out of Abel. While I'm trying to fight off his attacks, he's managed to not only expose a very handy piece of steel plumbing pipe, he's also thoughtfully disconnected a large segment of it, about two meters. Bit heavy, but... I manage to levitate it and swing it as hard as I can. Abel tumbles off me, holding his head. Before long, he recovers. He's slower, so at least I concussed him. I take my chance to see if I can snap him out of it.

"SCP 076-2, WHAT IN THE KENTUCKY FRIED FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!?"

Shit. Forgot my voice also got power upgrades. He looks like I just flash-banged him point blank. His dagger clatters to the floor. Awareness dawns on him like a sunrise.

"You... screamed at me. Did... oh, (untranslatable), I might have made a mistake."

"Yeah, but it's fixable. No worries. Sorry." I grab Abel's shoulder, give it a gentle squeeze. "Hey, Dimi will be back in two days. That's 48 hours. You made it twice that before today. I know you miss him, this just isn't how to handle it."

"You are, as always right, Little Sister. This is all new to me."

"It's okay. Just... maybe ask to use the Rage Cage next time?"

The intercom crackles by the door.

"Wait... when did we get a Rage Cage? Oh, you mean the Room of Self Replicating Porcelain Plates? How do you know about that? That's Level 4 clearance, Dr. Snow." There's quiet murmuring behind O5-2. "Dr. Clef's assistant, in charge of Anomalous Enrichment Protocol? Oh,.. yeah. Fine. We will authorize 076-2 for the Rage Cage. But! No more rampages, understood?"

"Understood."

"Good."

"O5-2, sir? Request permission to escort 076-2 to the Rage Cage to... calm down, give the E-Class a chance to straighten up in here. I'll keep a very sharp eye on him."

"See that you do, Dr. Snow." Abel consents to being strapped down for transport. As this is happening, and can take a bit due to multiple multiple straps, I step into the hall. O5-11 is talking to Clef, waiting.

"I knew you'd handle things, Dr. Snow. And, Dr. Clef? Fire her and the Red Right Hand will shoot you."

"Wouldn't dream of it, sir. In a way... I think I owe O5-6 some whiskey for hiring her." This had me smiling despite the pain creeping in from where Abel hit me. Ugh. Thank 343 it was mostly fists on his end. Even still, I'm going to be black and blue all over by nightfall. But... no, I didn't die. Sure, no amount of makeup will cover the huge bruise I'm sure is forming on my left jawline, but I survived, somehow.

[vincent-van-gtg]

[fitnessdesire]

Can’t risk it

[laderdesders1]

The duck of creativity. I waited so long for it.

[yes-another-obey-me-blog]

~Manifesting~

[rosietrace]

This duck of creativity gave me more ideas for my villainess fanfiction, and I am eternally grateful

[blame-avira]

I don’t know how I got here…

[jinxsno1]

Love the duck.

[officialscpfoundation]

We are unsure if this may be a memetic hazard we shall reblog this for security purposes.

[talesfromsiteredacted]

Oh holy Quacker, impart inspiration upon us most unworthy writers. May your divine creativity flow upon us like water off of a duck's back. So mote it be, ramen.

[talesfromsiteredacted]

How Various Members of Site Command React to Sudden Hugs

Okay, this is by no means at complete list of who's huggable on site and who isn't, and HR would have maid-waifuless kittens if they found out I even made this list. That being said... it's a lot safer to hug some staffers than others.

First, no one on record has tried hugging Dr. Gears. But, should someone be brave or crazy enough to try it... he might get to tolerate it with repeated attempts.

Second, hugging Dr. Bright is just encouraging him to be a perv. Stick to pats on the head. On second though... just don't touch Dr. Bright.

Third, Dr. Glass gives the warmest hugs, next to Cain, 999, and 343 themselves. 10/10, highly recommend hugging him if you had a bad day.

Fourth, Dr. Iceberg. Yeah... Sadly, I think only his partner Quinn can get away with that one. Anyone else would wind up with at least a literal cold shoulder.

Clef is most likely to just ninja hug the crap out of you in retaliation if you do this to him first. My ribs still hurt from this morning's clingy ambush. More likely to happen if he's hungover.

Dr. Rights is a hugger. Do not hug unless you're free for ten minutes at least.

Do not ninja hug Dr. Gerald. He likes hugs, but... exaggerated startle responses are not fun. Approach slowly from the front once consent is given, do not squeeze.

Cain will turn terracotta red if hugged off guard. Agent Nordstrom thinks it's adorable.

It is nearly impossible to ninja hug 343. He still loves hugs, so feel free to try. Just... not with whiskey in hand. It's a sin to waste good alcohol.

Dr. Light is fond of hugs. For the record, if she really likes you, she squeezes.

Ninja hugging 999 means you sink into him a tiny bit, like jumping onto a huge Jello lump. Just don't build up too much speed. I recommend this on those really crap days.

Assuming you locate him, hugging Dr. Kondraki will have one of two results: him either shouting at you or dragging you down to the local karaoke bar to get smashed and sing 90's heavy metal off key with him. If he's already half pickled with booze first, it's the latter. There is no in between.

Dr. Shaw will also blush if hugged. It's sweet. Also gives very gentle hugs.

Dr. Myriad, however... be prepared for a rib-bruising hug in return.

Iris is not a hugger. Only family and Agent Markovich can hug her and live.

Do not attempt to hug Dr. Mann. He's not a touchy feely guy, you will be shot at.

Agent Strelnikof likes hugs, believe it or not. Bonus if the hugger is a pretty woman.

Do not hug Agent Dimitriov around 076-2, unless Abel agrees. Agent Okame was just trying to help, you didn't need to kill her, Big Brother! No GTA5 for three weeks.

There was one intern who actually hugged 294 after it produced "a perfect duplicate of my nan's hot chocolate, right down to the correct color of marshmallow Peep". The machine did seem to perform better for the rest of the day, but the test was never duplicated.

Dr. Kain Pathos-Crow is hit and miss on hugging. But... he loves a good ear scratch, like most canine lifeforms.

Dr. Cimmerian gives great hugs, at a dollar a piece. If you're good at something, never do it for free.

Hugging Agent Lombardi will get you punched. Don't.

No hugging Lieutenant Tori. She will shoot you. In the knee. With buckshot. Twice for repeat offenders.

No surprise hugs with Dr. Sherman, lest you get a lecture on consent. Best to just bring him a coffee. He's nice, just a stickler for decorum on site.

I myself welcome hugs from almost anyone except Agent O'Hare for obvious reasons, and Dr. Bright, again for obvious reasons. Just mind my teacup, please.

[talesfromsiteredacted]

Notice From O5 Counsel

In response to certain events involving SCP 914

After the incident involving the script for the "House Of the Dead" movie and other scripts in Uwe Boll's filmography, no one is allowed to run any piece of literature or pop culture through SCP 914 on ANY setting.

343's sake, the resulting draft from running through that train wreck of a script was so terrible we had to send it straight to the incinerator lest it actually be produced. And the one for "Bloodrayne" was so awful it too had to go before it sucked the vitality out of anyone stupid enough to read it. We told you, 343 told you... no power in the multiple multiverses can improve those abominations unto both video games and movies in general. While this little incredibly misguided experiment proved our theory correct, the next person trying this will be having the chance to film their own short horror movie, co-starring with 682 in "Enduring Stupidity VS Indestructible Knockoff Kaiju", with a live screening for O5 and Site Command members. And yes, Clef wrote the script, be prepared for explosions that would make Michael Bay say "Dial it back, that's unbelievable!".

Furthermore, the official Foundation Bad Movie Night is on hold until consensus can be reached on a Banned Movies/Directors List. Guess who gets the first spot, kids? Yes, Mr. Boll. Man never should have been allowed anywhere near a movie or video game, let alone directing any adaptations.

[talesfromsiteredacted]

The Old Man Gets a New Buddy

It is finished, Mr. Squishybones is assembled. Took me three months, but... it's done, all bones present... a life size crocheted skeleton. Now... time to deliver.

Another day, another breach by 106. There's still a few prisoners from the last MC&D raid, I send out for one for the femur breaker. While I wait for 106 to return, I pose Mr. Squishybones next to the machine, as a joke I pose it like it's doing something to the straps. Pretty sure Dr. Sherman won't be amused, but Clef will get a kick out of it. I poke my head out of the box, motion the guard to get on the PA, and send out a page to the Old Man.

"Oh Corporal Lawrence... Dr. Snow has a surprise for you in your cell. Come see what it is, big guy. There's also a nice moron to play with, why not come home?"

The lights flicker. When they come back on, there's two black goo question marks on the opposite wall. The lights flicker again, and again... 106 left a message. Two exclamation points this time. A final flicker, and a final message.

"I like. Thank you!"

Yeah... Dr. Sherman is gonna have kittens, only this time without the catmaid waifu.

[talesfromsiteredacted]

Notice From O5 Counsel:

The following personel are no longer permitted in any branch of the Foundation Libraries due to the incident on Monday: Dr. Clef, Dr. Bright.

The Counsel did not authorize testing on which non anomalous books could be used as weapons should the need arise. Especially not after Dr. Iceberg barely dodged the copy of "A Song of Ice and Fire" you two idiots threw at him from the fourth floor balcony. Besides, it's a standing order that you two are to stay 500 meters away from each other at all times.

Although... the look on Bright's face after he realized he dropped a rather heavy Stephen King novel on Cain by accident was priceless. Dr. Rights nearly choked on her croissant when the book flew back up and hit Bright in the face. Tell us, Jack... how are the paper cuts and black eye healing?

Just stay out of the library and away from each other, please? Thank you.

[talesfromsiteredacted]

Confessions Of a Type Green: Or, Just Your Friendly Neighborhood Bixby

Not a lot is known about the average reality bender, we know they can and often do fuck up reality, but no one really knows what life is like for one. Do Type Greens put on their socks one at a time, sort of stuff. Lucky for you reading this, there just happens to be one available for commentary. For the record, I can't speak for other Bixbies, but I still do one at a time. Surprise, your average reality bender is a lot like everybody else.

I still need an alarm clock to wake up. I still need to eat, sleep, drink, and relax like a normal person. In fact, a lot of benders just... do things the normal way most of the time. A type green raised with a loving family to provide a strong moral compass avoid using their powers at all, except when not doing so will get them killed or worse. A lot of it is instinctive, there's no Unseen University for this stuff. Thus, our "gifts" tend to be unpredictable. But, with careful training, we can become pretty good with control. It's a bit like riding a bicycle, the more you do it, the easier it becomes. But, much like riding a bicycle, it's important to do things safely.

Establishing boundaries early on in any relationship is important, so it's best to pick a few basic guidelines. Like, try not to kill anyone on accident or reflex. No using your abilities too quickly either, so build up to moving the mountain. No time travel, it never ends the way intended. Also, no warping people. No matter how much you'd like a certain coworker to forget a certain sea shanty. Do not call attention to yourself, just in case someone suspects what you are. So, as awesome as it might sound... no superhero suits. The Foundation boys are rough, but the GOC (much like Wu-Tang Clan) ain't nothing you want to fuck with.

Also, be very careful whom you tell anything to. People talk all the time, and especially about the weird shit they see. Why do y'all think Clef lies like a bad toupee all the time?

Now, onto the really boring, practical stuff (yes we HAVE to do things like this, unless you want to be unalived by a 50 caliber to the head). Tip one, hunger, thirst, exhaustion, even a common cold can mess with your powers. So, take care of yourself. No matter how small or grand, using your powers can and does take it out of you, especially at first. Stay fed, stay hydrated (yes coffee counts, but water is still a better option), get good sleep, and... chill. Bad self care does not directly kill, but it will suck if not done properly. Only a vacuum likes to suck.

Two, if you must alter your reality... think long and hard about unintended consequences. Clef did after the 2020 election. Big oops is right, Boss. No one wants to deal with Nazi Necromorphs because you ran late, decided to keep that traffic light green for just three more seconds, and almost get slammed by a guy in a self-driving electric car whose car did not know to stop. Yes, I exaggerate, but only to show the level of WTF that can go wrong here.

Three: as tempted as you might be, helping your friends out of every bad situation is a bad call. There's too much downside potential for it to go horribly wrong. If you cannot resist the urge to help, stick to plausible stuff. Like, say... your pal Ed owes this jerk a grand in cash, he's $100 short... and finds a c note in the jacket he borrowed off you, or just floating in the wind. That's relatively harmless. Or your grandmother finds the exact piece of carnival glass she missed out on at the church rummage sale for $1 or such. Little things.

Lastly for now, just try and not be an asshole. This world has too many as is. Be kind, be careful, don't overextend yourself. That being said, goodnight and good luck, fellow greens.

[your-local-dr--shaw]

meow

meow

[talesfromsiteredacted]

Cute. Now take the amulet off the cat. I know you want to be ginger, but... you stll need a human host.

[talesfromsiteredacted]

Probably after "accidentally" stumbling into a stash of 420-J. Hey, I myself have done dumb stuff after, uh... imbibing a bit too much. No worries, I had Rob the Intern fill out your reports for you. For the record, the super comfy beanbag chair in the staff lounge is at the best angle for a nap in the sun.

[talesfromsiteredacted]

Questions New Staffers Often Ask

Starting any new job has questions. Who are you guys, why are you making me do this, when is lunch, and of course... we get paid for this, right? No worries, Auntie Rabbit is here with the important answers. As a witch, anomaly, and senior staffer, I'm not allowed to accept cash. But... payment in candy is always welcome, I also accept wine, nice beads, art supplies, and tea. Senior staffers are generally discouraged in buying/receiving souls in payment, FYI. There's some useful stuff, but there's also some... well... less-than-intelligent questions I've had thrown at me.

Is it possible to ride 682? In theory, yes. In practice, anyone who tried it other than Dr. Kondraki wound up as a tasty between meal snack for our oversized asshole kaiju knockoff. So, in practice... no.

Does 049 know what the Pestilence is? Tough one... yes and no, I'd say. He knows what to look for but not the actual transmission vector.

Which 001 is the real one? Don't know, honestly. It's way above even Dr. Gears' clearance levels. Best not to speculate. I honestly doubt it'll matter to the dead.

No, you cannot arrange for your ex to contract a nasty viral SCP as revenge for dumping you. Using anomalies for such purposes is forbidden, you will be demoted to D-Class, then further demoted to corpse. What is wrong with some of you?

Yes, I had to go through Dr. Clef's seminars, just like you. No, I do not know what he uses. No, I'm not the least bit curious. Yes, I puked up my breakfast like everyone else. Just because Clef likes me, I get off no easier than the lot of you. Pro tip for those who haven't taken the seminar yet... smuggle in some ginger ale and plain saltines. Trust me, it will make recovery easier.

It's perfectly safe to talk to 049 and other Euclid/Safe class anomalies provided protocols are followed. That being said, please stop trying to sell them multilevel marketing stuff. Multilevel marketing is banned throughout all Foundation sites for good reason, and it's not like the anomalies have money.

No, SCP Speed Dating never happened. No, there are no records. No, you're not supposed to even think of the anomalies like that. 076-2 may be "fine AF" and "hotter than the deserts", he's also incredibly likely to kill you before you even say hello to him. It never happened, it never WILL happen, anyone trying to make it happen will have their own date... with 173.

While I'm sure 049 would love a hug now and then, it's not safe. Sorry, but he IS Euclid for a reason, no matter how sweet and nice he is.

Putting 999 in a blender is a bit like going on a high speed tilt-a-whirl for him. That being said, it feels so wrong even thinking of it. So, no 999 blender rides. Feel free to give him hugs though.

If Dr. Clef asks you to do something, think long and hard before agreeing. If Dr. Bright asks, the answer is automatically 'No.'

The Bright List is supposed to be a horrible warning, not a how-to guide.

Dr. Gears is, indeed, human. He just had his sense of humor shot off. Probably by Bright or Clef.

No, you cannot have a Ketchup Puppy as a pet. They're simply impossible to house train.

This one is for Dr. Clef: yes, mushrooms decay around Cain. He killed the growth on my maitake log on my desk. I'm not mad, though. Turns out, being both plantlike and animalistic to a degree just meant my poor maitake lasted five minutes versus the normal instant decay. They never grew back. I'm not big on mushrooms anyway. He also kills lichen.

We tried 682 burgers. Worst. Burgers. Ever! Not even dousing the things in ghost pepper sauce could save them. It was like biting the zombie back, honestly. Don't ask how I came to that conclusion.

Speaking of biting back the zombies... 682 DID contract 008 that way once. He was sick for all of an hour, but got better. He really is nigh unkillable.

I do not recognize the bodies in the water. You do not recognize the bodies in the water. No one recognizes the bodies in the water.

How many SCPs are there? We're not entirely sure. Some would say we're a bit overladen with Keters, though. I do know the database lies.

The staff restroom is located to the left of the south wing, three doors after the supply closet. Now you know.

Everyone says Dr. Clef is two-faced. That's simply false. He's got more faces than a mask shop. They just look a lot alike.

Advice for the ladies out there: if a thin, weasel-faced MTF agent with greasy brown hair and more bumps on his face than 20 km of bad road asks if you want to see a 'naked Mole Rat', say no. Agent O'Hare really needs to get new lines.

No, sadly... the cake is real. Really, really, REALLY bad. The breads are also terrible. In fact... try to avoid the cafeteria food if possible.

No, Iris does not like the flower she's named for. She says the scent is choking. So, if you're going to give Agent Thompson flowers, daisies or roses are the safe bets.

No one knows who exactly is on O5. And it's not worth the risk of becoming bunkies with the D-Class to find out.

How to tell if a Type Green is mucking about in reality's egg salad? Doors and windows vanishing is a big clue. Inanimate objects trying to bite you, floors falling away, suddenly feeling like the entire universe hates you specifically, and colors shifting. Just close your eyes for a second, if you're confident in your safety, breathe in, hold for 7 seconds, breathe out. Remind yourself of where you were before it all went weird. Then, shoot the Bixby before he rescrambles your egg. (I need to step away from the Bioshock, next thing you know I'll be referring to Clef as Big Daddy, he'd be way too into that!)

Food fights are (technically) forbidden. However, in case of Containment Beach/outside invasion, you can, in fact, use Mabel's baked goods as impromptu weapons. That poor MC&D thug never saw that baguette coming. Yes, it would count as a Geneva Covention violation on the outside, but as the Geneva Accords do not apply to us... the Parker House rolls work great as projectiles. Dr. Iceberg didn't even need to freeze them. They can instacrit harder than the RE4 rotten eggs!

Running crappy dollar store novels through 914 is a waste of time. Nothing can improve those saccharine pieces of mass published literary junk food.

Yes, Dr. Bright nearly started a war with Amazon. Yes, while breaches were down that week, it wasn't worth facing Bezos. Nothing is.

Playing tag with the Keters is forbidden. Why? Why do you want to die so badly?

Playing ANYTHING with Dr. Bright is a bad call. He's a sore loser. No card games with Dr. Cimmerian either, he's been banned from every casino, back room poker game, Pokémon tournament, and even the site 25 weekly cribbage games. He never cheats, he's just really good at card games. Anomalously good.

[your-local-dr--shaw]

meow

meow

[talesfromsiteredacted]

Cute. Now take the amulet off the cat. I know you want to be ginger, but... you stll need a human host.

[talesfromsiteredacted]

SCP 096/Giant Snorlax Testing

Dr. Sherman and I were discussing some of the more... out there ideas in Anomalous Enrichment. One of the most surprising ideas: give the Shy Guy one of those ten feet tall Snorlax plushies. Here's an informal record of the Snorlax test, I'll dress up the results in Foundation jargon later.

Testing procedure: while 096 is, er... otherwise engaged, sneak in the giant creature via a random D-Class.

096 was "permitted" to breach containment and chase a few of our less than cooperative D-Class around the Keter subbasement 4. As this occurred, D-34076 placed the Snorlax inside 096's quarters. D-34076 was not harmed during this phase as 096 was not in his quarters. D-34076 was then allowed to resume their usual routine. 096 was then recaptured and reconfined to aforementioned quarters.

Upon discovery of the giant Snorlax, 096 gave it a poke. Upon seeing a lack of reaction from the intruder... 096 then curls up on the plushie's stomach, and promptly fell asleep. Researcher Asimov was amused to discover 096 snores. Further observation revealed 096 is quite fond of his new flatmate.

"I never thought I'd say this about 096, but this is honestly kinda heartwarming. Look at how he's hugging the Snorlax, this is the closest to "happy" we've ever seen him. I'd say call the test successful, but I forgot what this was supposed to prove." Dr. Sherman remarks.

"Not sure this test was supposed to have a point, Dr. Sherman. Aside from no one can resist the Snorlax snuggle."

[azurine-cryptid]

Since Meri was in a covenant in Galway, Ireland

I'd like to believe she has an Irish accent.

Also Clef switches his accents quite often just to mess with others, but his true accent is a Cornish one, but no ones ever really heard him speak in it.

[talesfromsiteredacted]

Not just accents... Clef switches up his vernacular all the time with the accent.

Example: calling a junior researcher "a drongo's arsehole" in an American Southern drawl. Kentuckian, to be precise. When the hells was he ever near Nashville? He's not into horse racing, unless he's doing the racing.

He has what Dr. Glass and I deem "Transient Accent Disorder", where his mode of speech gets around more than the average pilot. One day it's nearly incomprehensible Welsh, the next day it's a thick Scottish brogue. I have it too, but my accent tends to stay domestic, Clef's is international.

[talesfromsiteredacted]

Where's My Anomaly? An SCP Short Bedtime Tale

I got bored of reading "Where's My Cow?" to Evie, so I improvised. Apologies to Sir Terry Pratchett in advance. I had to. I'm so, so sorry. Here's the tale... and cue the bedtime silliness!

Researcher Jonas is wandering through the site, looking for his anomaly. Will he find it? I hope so, some of these things are scary. He makes his way down the hall, in the dark. Hunt the Anomaly is not as fun during a power outage.

"Where's my anomaly? Is that my anomaly? It goes "AAAAGGH! GET IT OFF ME! BAD LIZARD!" It is a 682! That's not my anomaly. Where's my anomaly?"

"Where's my anomaly? Is that my anomaly? It goes "Urrrg." It is a 008! That's not my anomaly. Where's my anomaly?"

"Where's my anomaly? Is that my anomaly? It goes "Clank clang clank, reeeee!" It is a 914! That's not my anomaly! Where's my anomaly?"

"Where's my anomaly? Is that my anomaly? It goes "Swish, swish, stab... Aaaagh!" It is a 076-2! That's not my anomaly! Where's my anomaly?"

"Where's my anomaly? Is that my anomaly? It goes "My cure is most effective." It is a 049! That's not my anomaly. Where's my anomaly?"

"Where's my anomaly? Is that my anomaly? It goes "Whirr, whirr, pour." It is a 294! That's not my anomaly. Where's my anomaly?"

"Where's my anomaly? Is that my anomaly? It goes "Strrrummm, strrrrummm, strrrrummmmm... dear 343 just finish the song already!" It is a Dr. Clef! That's not my anomaly. Where's my anomaly?"

"Where's my anomaly? Is that my anomaly? It goes "Grump, grump, freeze!" It is a Dr. Iceberg! That's not my anomaly. Where's my anomaly?

"Where's my anomaly? Is that my anomaly? It goes "Not again! Not the apple seeds!" It is a Dr. King! That's not my anomaly. Where's my anomaly?"

"Where's my anomaly? Is that my anomaly? It goes "Your reports are overdue again." It is a Dr. Gears! That's not my anomaly. Where's my anomaly?"

"Where's my anomaly? Is that my anomaly? It goes "Would you like a hug, maybe a cookie?" It is a Dr. Glass! That's not my anomaly. Where's my anomaly?"

"Where's my anomaly? Is that my anomaly? It goes "Request the explodium, it'll be a blast." It is a Dr. Myriad. That's not my anomaly. Where's my anomaly?"

"Where's my anomaly? Is that my anomaly? It goes "Squish, tickle, giggle!" That IS my anomaly! Hurray, hurray, it's a wonderful day for I have found my anomaly at last."

At this point, the lights returned, and Researcher Jonas takes 999 for a healthy (for our favorite delightful little blobby buddy anyway) lunch of gummy worms, peanut butter cups, and a nice caffeine free orange soda. He was happy his friend was all right.

[talesfromsiteredacted]

Big Brother's Softer Side

For the record, SCP 076-2, also known as Abel, does indeed have some feelings. Man's anomalous, not dead. In fact... Big Brother has several cute little nicknames for both his squeeze Dimitriov and his sisters. Heck, Abel's even getting fond of Liam, but he IS kind of an animal lover. Cain was kind enough to translate these for us. And now... Abel's favorite pet names!

Iris' Nicknames:

"Little Wildflower"

"Sweet Sister"

"Petal"

"Cute but will stab you"

"Give up the chocolate and she won't hurt you" (way faster to say in ancient Sumerian)

"My sibling in misery" (usually when he's feeling sarcastic)

Liam's List:

"Thief of Cheese" (little blighter stole the last mozzarella stick out of his hand one pizza night, but thankfully Abel was too amused at the stones on my cat to steal from HIM to chase him)

"Daft bastard" (with affection after he got into Abel's quarters, high on the nip again)

"(REDACTED) son of a motherless goatherd" First time Liam swatted him. Abel was laughing at the time.

"Fluffing fluff"

"Liam the Daft" Accurate.

"Bane of the Fae" After Liam nabbed an invading pictsie.

Dimitriov's Pet Names (warning: major mush ahead)

"Sweet Lips/Hot Lips"

"My moon and stars"

"Polar Bear/Cuddle Bear/Honey Bear/Papa Bear"

"Darling One"

"My heart's delight"

"Buttercup"

"The main reason I put up with any of this (REDACTED) nonsense these days"

"My better side"

"Heartsease"

"Orange blossom" (way more romantic in Sumerian, and Abel's second favorite flower according to Cain)

And finally... my turn!

"Little Rabbit"

"Trouble in a green dress"

"Killer Rabbit"

"(REDACTED) little pain in my backside"

"Fiery little snowdrop"

"She who you do not want to anger"

"Shortarse" (inexplicably dropped after my 914 incident)

"Oh dear gods stop crying and fight already, woman!" (Again... Way faster in ancient Sumerian, back when I was first training with Big Brother. Got used a lot those first two months)

"Brat"