talldracula

someone once called me "totally tolerable"

[talldracula]

no YOU’RE crying in the pharmacy parking lot because you’ve never driven without excruciating pain in your entire life, until now 😭😭😭

[talldracula]

about to drive for the first time since May (surgery 1) and i’m so nervous right now????? do i remember how to do this??

[talldracula]

not to be morbid or dramatic but sometimes i’d rather be dead than deal with this anymore

[talldracula]

wound vac & bandage removed!! so relieved to not be tethered to medical equipment any longer 🥰

incision site looks gnarly, again. but my doctor said she’s really happy with how it’s healing so i’ll take any win i can get.

i should definitely buy that dress to celebrate, right???

[talldracula]

it’s gonna be so cool to walk normally one day. i have a hard time even imagining it at this point. but i think it’ll be really cool

[talldracula]

noooooooo i’ve been wanting this sold out dress so bad and it just restocked why would they do this to me 😭 i put myself in spending jail because im going insane and making terrible financial decisions while on so many pharmaceuticals and being miserable & feeling so sorry for myself. but like, come ON 🌙✨🌙✨

[talldracula]

last week i had my first PT session since the dislocation. it was really difficult. physically sure, but emotionally more so. i almost cried multiple times, so embarrassing. he kept telling me to trust him and i just couldn’t. i don’t trust myself. after he did a bunch of stretching of the joint he asked what i was feeling and i said “fear and anxiety” and he laughed and said, “that’s not good” lmao

the loss of all my progress had never been so apparent to me than being back at square one exercises after i had come so far. i had been doing the stationary bike at the start of every session! now i’m back to using a walker and can’t even bear full weight on the joint

next session is tomorrow so let’s get at it i guess 💪

[talldracula]

have i complained about this stupid wound vac thing i’ve had to wear since the surgery? it’s so stupid and i hate it but i should be getting it taken out tomorrow 🤞i think it will help me feel a bit better to not be tethered to this stupid tubing and big clunky drain anymore

[talldracula]

I’m so emotionally distraught and in so much physical discomfort, I keep trying to self soothe with pretty things 😬 “oh i’ll wear this dress when i’m better and i deserve it because of everything i’ve been through” is an easy argument to make, and it helps push the narrative that things might get better, and once they do i can look cute and be normal.

i also think i’m trying to fill a hole created by almost no one in my life giving a shit this is even happening. it hurts my feelings. i guess it’s unreasonable for me to be upset that no one has reached out or sent a card or flowers or anything, but it hurts my feelings anyway. that’s not how i treat the people i care about.

i think when you have chronic pain and physical health issues, everyone tends to think you’re exaggerating or being dramatic. it’s difficult to understand when you don’t live it. so maybe it’s not serious to them. i get that. everyone has their own stuff going on, i can’t blame them.

[talldracula]

everything is so much harder this time because i feel so betrayed.

last surgery i was so enthusiastic because i thought i was doing the thing that was going to finally fix it. and then it didn’t. and now i’m scared it won’t ever be fixed. my greatest fear, never having a pain free life

[talldracula]

being plugged into so many things is driving me bananas. sensory issues on overdrive

[talldracula]

got my bandage removed today it looks so gnarly! PT kicked my ass it was so exhausting today we did A LOT. also turns out that the outpatient PT i was gonna start going to shut down? been trying to research other places but they’re all either 20+ minutes away from me or don’t take my insurance. the admin portion of all this has been soul crushing. just wanna heal, not make one thousand phone calls 😞

[talldracula]

i’m lying in my hospital bed completely unable to sleep and trying so hard not to fall into the feral rage that is always hovering just under the surface, beckoning me to slip under. it’s not easy. none of this is. but then i went back and read some of my posts from the initial hip replacement surgery and came across this one.

i was distraught and anxious at the time of writing this. but i ended up with an incredible outpatient physical therapist who has helped me so much and is so genuinely kind. such a good dude. i’m deeply thankful for him. my doctor said i should be able to pick my sessions back up later this week and i’m really looking forward to seeing him and starting PT again.

i texted him the day the dislocation happened to fill him in and also be like “whoops i won’t be making our session today” he called me the next day to check in and said “i’m so, so sorry this happened to you. i was thinking about you all day yesterday. it’s important you know that it was a freak accident and it’s not your fault. i’m so proud of all the progress you had been making, you were crushing it. as soon as it’s safe we’ll get back to work. i promise you that after all this you will have a perfect hip and you’ll be even more grateful for it.”

clinging to this type of stuff to try to get through it

also prob gonna post through it here because this is my vulnerable space and it feels safe. if you need me to tag anything in any specific way to block these kinds of posts please lemme know ❤️ sorry for popping back over here to emotionally unravel

[talldracula]

i fucking hate this so fucking much

[talldracula]

surgery is today. i’m in pre-op right now and still can’t believe this is happening 💔

[talldracula]

devastating setback

my hip replacement dislocated yesterday. had to call an ambulance at 1am and spent all day in the hospital. i was doing so well and now i don’t trust anything. absolute agony & misery. i’m heartbroken

[talldracula]

just had my follow up appointment with my doctor. i need to have another surgery 😭

the odds of it dislocating were 1%

why is THIS the 1% i’m part of????

i’m so cursed

[talldracula]

devastating setback

my hip replacement dislocated yesterday. had to call an ambulance at 1am and spent all day in the hospital. i was doing so well and now i don’t trust anything. absolute agony & misery. i’m heartbroken

[talldracula]

i’ve been in so much pain for so long i don’t think i adequately mentally prepared myself for this surgery recovery. my mindset was mostly “can’t hurt more than it already does” but now i’m like “owwwwwwwww ouch owwwwwwwwies ouch!!!!!!!!😓”

had to make 50 phone calls between my doctor, my insurance, and the pharmacy to get my pain meds refilled. i understand the opioid crisis is very bad but i need my meds please stop making this so difficult!! i do not have the energy for this. especially unmedicated.