Positive Parenting Strategies for Difficult Toddler Behaviour and Tantrums
1. Set expectations preemptively
Not only does this help set kid(s) up for success because they know what is expected from them in a given context, it also helps them make sense of potential discipline if their behavior calls for it.
For instance, this past week, I took both kids to a children’s museum. Knowing my daughter loves to flit from station to station without warning and because I was there without another adult to track her, I told her beforehand that she had to say, “Changing Mama” before she went anywhere. When we got inside, I had to take her aside two separate times to remind her of the expectation. Due to our conversation before, she didn’t react to me stopping her play because she knew she had made a mistake. The rest of the afternoon went off seamlessly.
2. Avoid negative language & give other options
Here is something that gets under my skin. I am at a restaurant, I ask something like, “Do you have a whole wheat option?” and they answer “No.” What I like so much more is an answer like, “Unfortunately, we don’t but if you are looking for something healthier, I love ____” The message is the same: they don’t have the option I was looking for. However, highlighting what options they do have rather than just shutting me down creates a very different experience. Do I think you should edit every word you say or not say ‘No’ to your child? Of course not. But, I do make a point of trying to tell my kids what they can do when they propose something that won’t work.
The goal of my parenting is to help my children become critical thinkers as well as law-abiding citizens. As such, I have non-negotiables such as dress appropriately for the weather (my daughter has been trying to wear heavy cotton pants and sweaters in the middle of summer), wear your seatbelt, and sit down at the table when eating. But, I have wiggle room on things like matching clothes, who clicks the seatbelt, and the occasional floor picnic at dinner time.
4. Give two options with the same outcome
This is one of the simplest tips for parenting through difficult toddler behaviour. Giving two options with the same outcome makes a toddler feel in control. Meanwhile, you get them to agree to doing what you would like done. For example, “Do you want to put on your shoes or have mama put them on?” or “Would you like to clean up now or in two minutes?” Same result different answers.
5. Give warnings and use a timer
Imagine if you were out for dinner at a friend’s house having a blast and suddenly your spouse interrupts you mid-conversation and says, “We are leaving now,” ushers you away from your friend, and out the door. The car ride home would likely be a poignant discussion if not an argument. Likewise, kids do best when you preempt the end of fun with a warning. I find using a timer is the best indication of when to leave because it isn’t arbitrary. When I say, “One last slide,” my kids tend to put off that last slide for as long as imaginable.
6. Choose natural or logical consequences
Consequences that are a byproduct of their choices or are directly tied to them are shown to lead to better internalized moral reasoning. Natural consequences stem from the behaviour and aren’t imposed by the parent. For instance, when my daughter doesn’t want to wear her jacket, I suggest she stand on the porch for a few minutes. Each time she comes in and grabs her jacket.
Sometimes natural consequences are too risky and a parent must impose consequences.
running with scissors: loses the use of scissors
hitting a child at the park: must sit to the side of the park for a timeout with mom or dad.
7. Empathize & paraphrase.
Feeling heard and understood is one of the most valuable gifts we can give our kids especially when they’re acting out. So much of difficult toddler behaviour, or kids acting out in general, is simply them not having the words or the self-awareness to verbalize how they are feeling. In paraphrasing their feelings, they feel heard and can process their emotion more readily. Paraphrasing also helps them develop the language to “use their words.”
When kids are screaming crying, it may seem counterintuitive to hug them. The majority of the time, I’ve noticed this softens them and helps them feel okay faster. There are times where their tantrums are more physical and as a result, it’s better to give them space.
9. If it’s not negotiable, don’t enter into negotiations
When you’ve set them up for success and you’ve given them a lot of empathy, and they still aren’t listening, remember not to negotiate. Sometimes it is best to disengage. Entering into a power struggle will only make matters worse. As a last resort, we go into timeout together. They don’t go alone because current research advises against separating yourself from your child when they are acting out.
10. Get present, and if you can, get outside
I have found that, more often than not, I’m faced with difficult toddler behaviour when I’m preoccupied. For instance, when I’m on the phone, tied up otherwise, or distracted my kids tend to act out more. Sometimes dropping what was on my to-do list, getting present and some fresh air solves everything.
When it comes to toddler tantrums, shortcuts generally don’t work. Saying, “calm down” only intensifies the reaction.Often the best course of action is to deep breathe and wait for cooperation.
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