I had the girl of my dreams. And I let it slip away.
*Details, such as names and times, may have been altered for the sake of SOME anonymity. Not that I really care who knows, but if the wrong person reads this it may effect them in ways that I don't want it to lol.*
It just all hit me now. I had to type this out in a place that I won't lose, in a place that I'll read through once in a blue moon. That's Penzu. That's here.
Just now, I was putting Sabrine to sleep. We both were having trouble sleeping. Eventually I dozed off, but I didn't even realize that I dozed off. And I was dreaming, but In the dream I was walking around the house procrastinating and thinking. And I was thinking about life while I was dreaming. And just thinking about the past in general. And thinking about how I've been feeling lately. And somewhere along the line, my thoughts went to what I want in a partner. And people tell me that me and C should be together, which is nice because people see two good people and are like hey two good people should be together. The thing with C though, is while we COULD be together, meaning we'd get along and stuff, we SHOULDNT be together. We want different things in life, we enjoy different things on a daily basis, we're just good and kind people and others think thats enough for people to sign away their entire lives together lmao.
But then that made me start thinking how I've never met a girl who was into the same things. Then I was like. Oh wait a minute what about [redacted]. She was my friend. We used to talk about movies and TV shows and stuff and OH WAIT DIDNT I USE TO HAVE A CRUSH ON HER?!
I completely forgot. Wtf. I honestly, truly, forgot that I used to have a crush on her. The thing that made me remember was remembering that B used to like her, and that B moved one day and he happened to move close to her...AND I WAS SO JEALOUS. That memory is what triggered the memory that I had a crush on her. And when I think about it. She liked me too.
I was too young though. She was too young. WE were too young. We didn't know how to properly express ourselves. Actually, let me only speak for myself lol. I didn't know how to properly express myself. SHE LITERALLY kinda TOOK ME ON A DATE. Wow. I didn't even realize it back then. Smh. I was so focused on how we couldn't work out.
Because of B. Because she was X and I was Y. Because she was an inch taller than me and girls don't like short guys. Because I didn't want to ruin the friendship.
If you want something - you go for it.
IF YOU STAND FOR NOTHING BURR, WHAT WILL YOU FALL FOR?
THE TRUTH IS, YOU'LL NEVER KNOW WHAT THE ALTERNATIVE COULD HAVE BEEN.
Its true. If instead of focusing on why things WONT work, I should have been focusing on what I could do that COULD work. No matter what. No matter how if I was in that persons shoes I wouldn't want the other person to do blah blah blah BULLSHIT!!!
Back when my mom had to sit in class with me for a week, at the end of it she joked how [redacted] and I could be good together. I said she's X though. My mom made a joke and said you'd be surprised what people will do for love. And I thought that was so dumb, like if someone would change their entire life for love that's dumb.
But...here's what I have since learned.
There's a part of us humans that's just in our DNA. We can't change it. It effects our brains in ways that we are incapable of controlling.
In a relationship - from what I have experienced - either the man has to lead, or there has to be a partnership between the two. The woman never leads.
My perspective of people changing for love - that is what was dumb. I shouldn't have looked at it that way. It's not people changing for love. It's people COMPROMISING for love. Working together. A partnership. And worst-case-scenario - if she was the type who wanted to be lead - then she would be open to the idea of changing and it would not have been offensive. And I had to not look at it really as changing her, but leading her. "This is how things will be in the household." Not in a controlling way. In a taking charge way.
I was so dumb. Shit, I still am. I'm messing up my life left and right haha. But I'm learning. I'm improving. And I'm fired up.
Oh...and how I know she liked me back now that I'm looking back....
1 - We would stay up late talking over text on the phone til way past midnight. Just us two. We were morning people so this was significant lol.
2 - She really wanted me to take a ___ class even though I didn't need one with her so we can hang out. She was considering going to a different school after community college, but because I was planning on going to ____ she decided to go to ____ as well. I ended up not going to ____.
3 - Just before college, still in High School, I had something on my face and she held my face with one hand and wiped it off with the other. The reason why this is significant, is because we are both practicing Muslims. I didn't touch girls at all. She didn't touch guys at all. It wasn't until she was done she had a confused look - not just a shocked look - but a reeeaally confused look on her face. And she goes, "Sorry..I have no idea why I just did that..." and then we kinda laughed it off and nothing like that ever happened again. But looking back...she was comfortable with me, and I with her.
I let that slip away. And by that, I mean that opportunity. Who knows if it could have led to happiness - only Allah knows - because there were still a buttload of other issues that would have come with it (her family rejecting me, my relationships with my closest friends at the time being damaged, my family rejecting her family, etc) but the point is. Here I am, 10 years later, almost 10 years EXACTLY....and I am longing for someone similar to her.
And who is to say I won't mess that up as well? I've been living my whole life not chasing opportunities but just trying to prepare myself to be ready when the "perfect" opportunity presents itself. Not to say that it won't happen that way, but chasing what I want is what I need to do.
Hah. Hamilton has taught me. That's so insane lol. Waiting for it is how I ended up here.
"I'm not standing still, I am lying in wait."
That's what I was doing. I was prepared, ready to seize the opportunity the moment it came across.
But that was wrong for me.
It may be right for some people, but it was wrong for me.
I learned that the hard way.
And I'm paying for it now.
