Inside Tamidegus

'An experience to be had, enter the mind of Tamidegus'

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Picture a proud man, holding a majestic pose

An uncomfortable brown leather jacket covered in feathers from rare birds, polished black boots that had their own glare, his body was telling me, no remorse, depraved but ready to bring back to life, strictly positioned like a bee on pollen, resilient, intimidating, photogenic and aware of time, he had brought a new meaning to recovery.

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My dad pulled off a Klassic (with a K) injury for a 4 day weekend. (by the way the injury was actually real)

(Dad)

The old knee trick hey?! Psalms - Chapter 3-21: Thou knee shall not hurt, it shall not bleed, it shall only be an excuse for a 4 day weekend… Klassic.

There ain’t many of us who could pull this off. I’d be caught out in an hour or less, Ben may last a day and Leisa well.. yeah she could probably get the month off. The questions will be asked on the other hand, How bad is it? What was the cause? and Left or Right knee? You should defiantly get a lawyer.

The repercussions is just another thing you should think about when pulling this masterpiece off. Now before I go on, when I was in Sydney I heard though the grapevine at Westbrook winery people talking about it on the strips like it was a myth or a 7 legged dog, but as I travelled more east (Melbourne) the city of coffee and office jerks, it became more and more real and then once I hit Perth it was real, I heard from a guy outside the TAB holding a ciggy and double parked on a carlton cold quote “Nathan, he’s done it, he’s really done it, he's pulled off the old Psalms - Ch3-21, no word of a lie, he may finally break the drought of us tradies and get a 4 day weekend”.

A round of applause must be given… Clap… Clap…         Clap.

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Brother, foolishly had his tonsils removed, i was unable to have this delivered in time...

You want your tonsils removed? really? THINK AGAIN!

Your laying on your back, in an operating room, gas on the mouth, slowly falling to sleep, your eyes are snapping from side to side, seeing sharp tools and an evil grin from the surgeon, who is meant to be removing your tonsils, I must say, how do you trust this man, you’ve never met him, you could wake up with two extra tonsils or even a tortoise shell stitched to your stomach. Four things you need to do instead of having your tonsils removed.

Get rid of your whole throat thing, yeah the whole neck. (place your head to the side)

Next, find some plumbers pipe from your local hardware store or your next door neighbours toilet.

Thirdly, an easy one, replace the pipe for you throat. (place your head back on top)

Last of all, paper mache around the pipe to the shape of your original neck, or a whole new design if you were unhappy with your last.

Tip: If you had Adams apple, give it back to him, he’s homeless and doesn't need people like you stealing his food. Also if you had that lump in your throat which moves when you swallow, just chuck a tennis ball or a baby ginny pig in there.

Hmm so pretty sure i’ve covered everything, you should be good to go. If you decide to use the psychopath surgeon they employ, ask if you can keep the tonsils, transporting them home in bag of water just like a goldfish, then storing in a jar of curry power, everyday pouring half a cup of goat milk in to it. Two reasons why to use those directions, one: So when you decide get them put back in (which you will) they will have a great flavour that has had time to soak in and second: The jar looks just like any of your other cooking spices so your can keep the jar out of the way in the spice cupboard, being space efficient and easy access.

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Positive thoughts and everything but the truth for pain, decide what happened yourself, in your own words.

Ohh Mamma, why my shoulder so sore, Ohh Mamma, why my knees aching, let me know, let me know via email or trained pigeon - Signed A.Cross

Greeting Ash, great to here from you finally, not to sure were you went to, it’s been 573 days and 11 hours since you were last eating flavoured toothpaste in the kennel. Well Dad and myself have been have discussions about you, last week we held a conference were more that 103 people attended to decide whether its time, and you know what, I think it is. It all started March 12th 2007, you left home early morning to  begin your Tuesday morning routine, I’ll remind you of it. First you left the house to hide in a bush on the side of our street, jumping out of the first car to come by, scaring them off the road, laugh, turn and run whilst yelping. Second you trotted your way over to ling court to steal a dog named poco, this is where it happened, this is where you find out. It was around 3 O’clock, you were walking the dog, suddenly out of nowhere Poco stands up on two feet, he then UFC kicks your right knee, dropping you to the ground. Your shoulders, we still don’t have an exact idea of what happened here but there was a couple of rumours that spread the skies, it is told that you were lifted into orbit but two overgrown wasps or a group of toddlers rode by to remove both arms and replace with prosthetic arms, not spending enough operating time on the shoulders, they were sowed on backwards, thats why your defending in netball is so good, your arms are always in reverse. Last of all Ash, and the most important WHY DO THEY ache. Well its obviously because when your asleep you sleepwalk on your hands doing four laps of the house, we watch you every night. Sometimes invite the odd hamburger from up the street to come watch also, charging 15$ a ticket.

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Someone I know, has a sore back and has had for a while now, so i came up with a solution or two for his problem.

Back, B..A..C..K, all you ever hear, your back is the most important, its the defining structure of your whole body, if you injure it now you'll regret it later in life. Pfft eat my cheese stick, these Freds and Franks have no bloody idea, I have an idea, or two i think. it’s called a mechanical back, 20 years from now we’ll be in flying cars, pretty sure they can make you a new back on the side, or even a spare one, so if your walking in a community park and some doosh bag jumps out from a tree to hit you mid spine with a frozen rat and you go down, then you have the old handy extra fold out back in your carry pack. just like a fold out table but a tad smaller and can be used for family lunches and a christmas turkey. Second idea, now this ones a bit more well known to the common soldier or fawn, get rid of the back, yeah thats right, just throw it out in the rubbish on a Monday, (make sure you recycle it). You’ll be a little floppy to begin with, but once your muscles strengthen up, you’ll be the king of limbo, I hear that they are adding limbo to the 2058 Olympics, pretty exciting yeah, and your pretty much guaranteed to win with a back like that. So I say don’t waste your paper money with Physio’s and chiropractors, save your money for the future, for the new born ladies and gentleman with mechanical and ultra bendy backs. So you know just because you chose the right way, you can keep your old back, once removed store it in a large tub filled with fresh vinegar, a sprinkle of turmeric and a large handful with a small hand of tractor tire, the perfect mix to keep it in peek physical condition. Well thats pretty much it, I could say that I’ve made you decision for you, so make your make to your local surgeon and get started.

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My sister recently had her appendix removed, I wrote this to show her what i think of an appendix

What if i decided to have my appendix removed, well appendix its just not needed, not needed at all. It’s as useful as a chicken with no beak or a coconut tree without any coconuts, bloody useless i tell ya, So if you are told by the guys in the white coats that you have to get ride of it or just want to cause its getting itchy and annoying you, then i say go for it sonny Jim, and everyone else not named Jim. Here are some useful positives to sway you towards disposing of that ferrel organ. 1. Ask if your doctor if you can keep the appendix and stuff like a dead animal, to display on top of your fire place or next to your air freshener in the bathroom, then everyday you pass it or whilst your taking a poo you can spit on it and laugh in hatred for it. 2. Make the scar worth it, get it stitched into a pocket so you can keep a cup or loose change in there, and if you forget your purse or man bag for the people who aren’t woman, you have a permanent pocket. 3. Third and final, tell the story, set the scene, how it happened, something like, you had a fist fight with a croc or you were attacked by a swarm of infants with sharp teeth, or if your really feeling game, say you can transform into a swordfish and you were fighting a fellow swordfish with your sharp nose, he sliced you right where the appendix use to sit, then a local fisherman in the local lake, hooked on to your with his rod right in the appendix slice, but you were saved by two leap frogs sailing by.

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A rare opportunity last year to take this photo of an amazing sunset!

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Something I did a while ago, I believe there are 21 artist names throughout this, so much great music!

The Art of Sleeping is a Horrorshow, where there is Gold Fields blocked by a Big Scary Grizzly Bear, a Frightened Rabbit get’s attacked but is saved by a Band of Horses using a First Aid Kit, you may see a Boy and Bear driving Little Green Cars or Noah and the Whale in a war against Crystal Fighters, maybe you’ll get taken over by the Empire of the Sun and be made to ride Foals, but over all The Trouble with Templeton, is that he is The Tallest Man on Earth and he’ll make Glass Towers by hand with his Sticky Fingers, So Everything Everything of what I just said is the High highs of dreaming, what we call Tales in Space.

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What does this tree look like to you?

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Made from a music playlist I created on Spotify, using around 35 artist/album names throughout it.

Could call it a story about resolution.

People say that God loves you when your dancing, but I say you have to Learn to exist when Becoming human, let me tell you the story of Resolution. Life is like a bunch of Battleships getting tipped over by one big Wave, so make sure you Hang on tight to whatever’s out there, you don’t want to go for a Night swim, if you do stay Above the water because The only place to Settle is on a Mosquito flying off to Free the universe, this is a very Fragrant world that’s one big Full circle, and If you leave now you won’t get to see Better days, it’s all a Jungle out there so you have to have the Heart of a lion to be in the Neck of the woods, treat every night like it’s the Last night of earth. The Looking away are stuck in a Dream cave which I call the Harlequin dream, which involves an endless Desert night, so don’t be Young and dumb, tell yourself Does you inspire you, be the Future shade of a Wolf and never give up to a Shallow grave, be the Beacon and enter the world of Sunshine and Technology to experience the Memories of an old friend, it’s All about to change and yes I’m talking to you Yesyou.