July 14th, 2012: ISSUE NO. 002.
In light of the recent events taking place here at Tancho,we've received a few messages asking us how safe the school is.
It's very safe, in my opinion, haha. Though, it is you, dear readers, who could possibly make this school complete mayhem! Below, we have the return of PILOT's advice column (he'd made quite the splash two weeks ago...), and a few rules of thumb to help keep the safety of this school up to its standards.
Regards, Clive Dove
(Post-Salutations: I would like to apologize for the incorrect dating in the first issue, which should have read June 23rd instead of July 23rd. Thank you!)
Robots As many of you know, not everyone at Tancho is human. In fact, a group of students and staff alike identify as VOCALOIDS. I have yet to meet one personally, but they are singing robots! It's quite delightful-- we should have a karaoke party one day. But back to the topic at hand. Robots face different challenges than us humans! One of these challenges, for example, is water. Water makes a very good portion of the human body, while it is of very scant amounts in robots. In fact, don't spill any water on robots to keep them alive, should their wires short circuit!
Succubi Once again, I have yet to personally meet one on school grounds, if there is even one present. A succubus shows no immediate harm, and may actually benefit you. They feed off of touch and feeling, so don't feel scared to indulge! ... At least, this is advice I am currently receiving from a friend. I have absolutely no idea how to approach the situation if you ever encounter a succubus. I heard they melt if they don't get their feel-- er, excuse me, I meant 'fill.'
Deranged sex maniacs Unfortunately, this is one topic I know how to talk about! When you find yourself stuck in a corner with one-- presumably by this maniac you are trying to avoid-- you need to quickly find the upper hand. Is your oppressor cocky? What are they looking for? Everyone has a weakness. Perhaps the maniac doesn't like it when you are actually willing to play along with their ploy. I heard tsunderes are a big thing nowadays.
Old men Old men are on a rise of concern as of late also! I cannot tell if it is a single old man terrorizing the school, or if this is really an issue we might have to address. Nonetheless, if you do not know the source, do not take the candy from the white van. I'm begging you.
Shotas Another term I've become familiar with since moving to Japan. For those who are unfamiliar with the word, it is synonymous to jailbait. If you ever find yourself attracted to someone much, much younger than you, first of all-- to each their own. Secondly, we would all really prefer it if you waited until they were of age.
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Alright you brats, PILOT'S back and with a couple of questions from you guys. Please note that anything else we've received like a really shitty fanfiction and unnecessary remarks will not be put into this issue because no one needs to see it.
Q. I want to be friends with this girl, but I think she hates me and wants to beat me to a feathery, bloody mess. Any advice on what I should do?
A. Another case of the tsundere. Listen man, think of it this way. If you let her beat you up, you might win her affections while simultaneously breaking every bone in your body. If she really does hate you, well, she'd probably rip your wings out instead. All you can do is make sure you get your feelings across you want to be friends and if she doesn't reciprocate then get the hell out of there.
Q. The one I have affections for doesn't seem to remember I exist half the time. What can I do to make him forget his girlfriend(s) and take notice of me?
A. Tough shit for you man. Woah, this guy has more than one? Smooth player. Anyway, what you have to do is try to assert yourself more. Let him notice you and your worth, flaunt your stuff. Otherwise, if you blend with the wall, there's no way he's going to leave his bombshell babes for you. Also, communication is the key. If anything, he might just add you to his collection of pretty girls but hey, better one of them then none of them.
Q. Dear Pilot: I was walking in the courtyard the other day and some very warm rain spattered on me. Nobody believes me, but I could've sworn it smelled like pee. Am I hallucinating or did someone really pee on me?
A. I am pretty sure someone took a piss on you. Next time, be more aware of your surroundings.
Q. What the hell do you do when you wake up with a hangover, a broken nose, clothes that smell like your own vomit and several hundred USD's worth in empty liquor bottles?
A. Do it all over again.
Q. how are we supposed to feel safe at night knowing that the head of security at tancho academy is a drunkard?
A. Good question. You can't feel safe if you're aware of it so just join him, drink, and be apart of the fun. Or you know, you could just keep your head underneath your pillow every night, double lock your doors, don't take candy from strangers and what have you.
Q. I love you, dear staff. Keep up the great work! ;u;
A. This ain't really a question but thanks doll. Glad to know that someone thinks my amazing advice is actually doing shit for you guys.