monologues

[tangble]

“How do I squeeze in things that are of value to me in two luggages - each of which allowing only 23 kilos?” Ah. The dilemma of The Filipino Diaspora.
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I stared at the piles of books, and pondered as to how do I sort out which ones to bring, and which ones to leave behind. Eat, Pray, Love - check. The Little Prince - check. The Kite Runner I bought from La Belle Aurore for only PhP30 - a big check! (But I had unluckily forgotten it.) 
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The Arrow with a Heart Pierced Through Him - this hit hard. Along with the books, the trekking gears, and the journals and whatnots that she gave me as occasional gifts and pasalubongs.
Again I ask, “How do I fit everything in?”. The thing is, if you love so much in one place, you are probably going to have to take with you every single thing that aids the memory map of home. You might have to concede to the Konmari Method later on.
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Three years later in a different continent, I look back and ask myself the same question, how did I fit everything in? The answer is I. Could. Not. 
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However, there is a different kind of luggage we all have. It is minuscule but can hold everything that is heavy, and would still be light after all. It is called the HEART, and it never fails to amaze me.
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I take a peek into the crevices of mine from time to time, and eventually find it full of wisdom from people I look up to. Tangible things, along with time, are fleeting. But the impalpable ones, this well of love, no matter how many kilometers far away I am from my constants, are inside of me.
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This home is inside of me. 
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Belated happy birthday to one of the beacons of my home, my pusher, my favorite Cancer☺️ (at Grand Central Terminal)

[tangble]

I was patiently waiting for people to go away save for the museum attendant so that I could immerse myself to the experience of walking through this passageway. Then I realized that in this installation, as it is so with life, one may think there is only one street through. But there are actually two courses you can take: either you move forward, or backward. (Art undoubtedly has a way of pushing you to contemplate beyond what meets the eye😝) . May God guide us to move every step forward, and may we see all our favorite faces smiling at the finish line. ☘️🌈 (at The Museum of Fine Arts, Houston) https://www.instagram.com/p/Bow0kKnhfIZ/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=vijlrppixk4q

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. In every high and every low, In the feast and in the famine, In every clot and every flow, Every blessing, every burden. Behind every story, Under each sky, In every child’s eyes gazing into the stars. In every heartbeat, In every song sung, There’s A Piece Of You That I Found. . . #CB

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I have been everywhere, and I admit I have always liked it. But it is not what I always want. I want to learn how to be still, and not just resort to Irish goodbyes. I yearn to learn how to pour out the water that my self-loathing cup holds especially when it is filled to the brim. I desire to practice listening to my gut feeling. Because once you turn your back on it, it really does go away. ☀️ #Steady

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As Of Late

So I needed to find out what I’m up to recently, and I saw this blogpost of Reese Lansangan entitled “AS OF LATE”. I reblogged it to be able to know my thoughts and feelings recently. Here it goes:

MAKING: lines and thoughts in my head (my thinking is limitless; I badly need to write)

DRINKING: water, I never drink enough water

READING: courses to renew my ASCPi membership

WANTING: a paper shredder (can’t believe I don’t have one as an adult)

LOOKING: for the perfect pasalubong for an online friend I still have to meet

PLAYING: Wildwood by Reese Lansangan on Spotify

WASTING: money on make up as pasalubong (gifts upon going home), but it’s a joy to give anyway (so it’s not much of a waste)

WISHING: for a retreat or to vanish and to live in the Asian countryside or coastal areas

ENJOYING: this moment of just being a couch potato

WAITING: to see my best friend really soon <3

LIKING: my crucial solitude, to be able to face my demons and anxieties one by one

WONDERING: if I’d be able to defeat these anxieties

LOVING: that I have friends & family & a good memory

HOPING: that I’d be able to achieve my vocare in this world

MARVELLING: at the speed of my thoughts

NEEDING: a clear head and motivation to express my thoughts

SMELLING: the bedroom that doesn’t really have a smell

WEARING: my favorite fuchsia ukay2x pajamas and a horizontally striped (a style which I am a fond of to make me look like a gain weight) shirt

NOTICING: the importance of patience, time and chances

KNOWING: that I need to move on with life and to choose battles one at a time

THINKING: about how I can beat these deadlines

FEELING: grateful that I have great and supportive people in my life even at a distance

COVETING: the iPhone 8 Plus (goodbye salary but I need a new phone and new number really)

OPENING: up again on Tumblr

WATCHING: The Letters on Netflix (curious of Mother Teresa’s anxieties; was she like us who have a lot of them too and how did she deal with them)

FEELING: anxious because it’s about to be my birthday, but also kind of surprised at the extent of my asocial-ness (deactivated my Facebook and Messenger)

Ergo, I badly need to get some thoughts out of my system and write them. Where’s my conviction.

[tangble]

Lately been missing tasty beignets, Lou and you. Woe, this winter blues. "NOLA" #Haikudays2018

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Who’s that pokemon? My Charmander in the rain When soaked, she still burns. “Lora” #Haikudays2018

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Honesty

It’s my second Christmas spent alone and away from home. I sit here silently in my apartment with the clock beside me - as I suffer hearing the monotony of the ticking of its hand, ever so conscious of the time passing. I am trying to fill the silence at times with episodes of Friends, Under An Arctic Sky Spotify playlist, and my own imagination. My head and my heart are so loud. “I must do something”, they say.

But I am left here paralyzed and helpless. I have so many things I want to do, and yet I do not know how to start and which one should I start doing first. My head hurts now as my heart becomes heavier than before. My uterus is not helping. My period has come, and the hormones are just telling me ‘tis not the season to be jolly. I have a bunch of body issues like when do I ever gain weight. They’re harder to beat than I thought so.

As the new year approaches, I want to come clean. I long to delete the files and mails I do not need, to clarify some truths with certain people, to give up on opportunists, noncommittal beings and leeches, to steer away from those who treat me as competition. Again I ask in bewilderment, how do I even start? Do I sound like someone on the verge of giving up?

I remember an advice a friend once gave about doing canyoneering. I had never done it at the time, and I also never really knew if I had a fear of heights. She said jump immediately, do not look down for so long. The longer you wait, the scarier it gets. I believe it’s the same with telling the truth. The more you wait to have the perfect courage and timing to confess, the more your courage wears off. The Filipino word for this is naduduwag. And I am scared to be stuck on that.

So today I just decided to come clean to a particular person before the year ends. As someone who treats honesty as her own autopilot, I wonder why telling this trivial truth seems so difficult for me. I have vowed a long time ago to tell the truth always as I have witnessed a Kafkaesque series of consequences out of a pile of lies. And I do not want to be enmeshed in that kind of mess again.

Today I don’t feel like I have so much to give.

Only honesty.

[tangble]

Things work out again if you unplug them. That includes you. TX - NM - CO road trip . . Thanks to my pusher, @emmcausing Music: Echo by Incubus

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I had been driving for 7 hours by this moment and was terrified of the darkness of the night chasing me down. But this was such a good spot to watch the sun set, so I decided to kill time instead. Almost every vehicle that passed by came to a halt thereafter and everyone took a breather with me. The passengers in that blue car were a mother-and-son tandem. The mom kept smiling, the son was a replica of Zayn Malik. It was a good day.

This was my first time to have an adventure alone after a very long time. ☺️ (at Kancamagus Highway Lincoln Nh)

[tangble]

Lucky me for I have a Frida Kahlo in my life already. And yes, I gladly wish to be as strange as her ☺️👯 (at Albuquerque Old Town)

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A Eulogy To My Happy Consumption of Haribo Gummies

It is often said that we cannot choose when and how we will end. But as evil as it sounds, we can choose how to end some.

It is with so much pain for me to put an end to my consumption of Haribo gummies. Sure they played a good purpose in my long drives as when I was somnolent or just bored. They had been the best palatable companions on the road. All the more the gummy bears tasted best on my tongue when they were slightly melted by the heat after hours of being left inside the vehicle.

My principles have led me to desist munching on them. A German documentary has shown that there were unethical production glitches in the industry: $12/day pay for some employees that gather the carnauba wax (responsible for the shiny appearance of the gummies), slave labor, no toilet access nor water supply on work location, and pigs used in carnauba wax production living in harsh conditions. Twelve dollars, how can I live with that?!

This is the demise of my chowing down on these gummies, and the start of the difficult search for a new psychoactive snack. Not unless their ethical production will align with my principles.

And then my mind starts to wonder, what if all the food are produced unethically by these big companies? Am I going to die of my principles? Will I really stick with them if the hunger pang calls?

[tangble]

The Womb, Wayne Coyne’s (of The Flaming Lips) brainchild, has a facade that induces me to ponder on a wide spectrum of issues. The outstanding pink color for femininity; the rainbow that paves the way to the door for LGBT and the fluidity of sexuality; the door, which has an image that resembles the Labia, for motherhood and femininity still; the big eye for society that constantly redefines the norms and judges our actions; and the pink horizontal half of a heart with a kaleidoscopic splash of colors which I attribute to the various emotions and hormones that, no matter how we hide, continue to manifest themselves conspicuously and inevitably. . From time to time I go back to this scene in my head, then I make a wry smile with a quiet rapture. My friends were obviously anxious at that moment as we were running out of time and anticipating a visit to a haunted house (which by the way was worth the 3-hr queuing up!). I made a stealthy laugh, trying hard not to look demented, and uttered silently to myself, “Oh Art, you bring out the lunacy within me!”. 🙅🏻😂 (at Womb)

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So stay with me Hold my hand There’s no need To be brave

And all the quiet nights you bear Seal them up with care No one needs to know they’re there For I will hold them for you

When I first heard this song, I felt my whole being shattered. I love the original version, I love Mitski. Although BP’s remix has a soft touch to it.

I identified so much with the sentiments of the “I” in the song. But the more I listened to the lyrics, the more I thought how badly I wanted to be the “You” in here, the one who receives the kind of love and sacrifice “I” was giving. Not just an Eros kind of love, but an Agape one. I figured out in the end why this song makes me cry. I am the “I” and inadequately the “You”. I know am able to love like this. But I am not sure if it’s for myself.

I feel lost in something that catapults me to risk in loving myself less lately and loving something else more. This is the love song I need to sing to myself.

[tangble]

Then I look in the mirror and remember I’m really no different from the thirteen year old piece of s who ate lunch alone and refused the band-aid of someone to talk to. . Although it’s nice –– I looked at you and I felt the noise in my head disappear, and I stared at you talking animatedly from a distance. You waved 👋🏻 back and took a drag and I processed all of this in a split second, when I realized happiness sincerely is a choice, and proceeded to walk in your direction. . -BPValenzuela (at Colorado)

[humansofnewyork]

“I’m ninety but I feel like I’m fifty. I don’t take any medicine. I never complain. I’m just happy to be alive. I tell people: ‘Start with what you have, not with what you want.’ Every day I dance for two hours. And I’m still really interesting too. I love politics and literature. I love the sciences. And I’ve got a boyfriend named Alexander. We exchange books. I don’t even know how old he is.” (Moscow, Russia)

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Today I got to thinking that being boyish and independent has a downside. People tend to forget you are a girl, and sometimes they will forget you have flaws, are vulnerable, or you need help. Because let's face it, everyone needs help at some point in their lives. There are some things men cannot do but women can, just as women cannot do but men can. That is how we were programmed. . I love how God made us this way though. It means we need each other, and together we can #coexist To be vulnerable, to be able to feel, to afford sacrifice, and to acknowledge that we need help, these are the indispensable traits of being human. Sending great love here for all the help that I get. 🙌🏻