For the entirety of the pandemic, I have been alone. Legitimately alone. I went from living in Brooklyn with a community to the suburbs of Atlanta. And for 2 years that was a very toxic and hostile environment. I've not had any friends closeby to socialize with, not had any semblance of real-life community, and I'm currently deep in "Trump country "(as Pops says), so I've not had any luck making friends or finding a comfortable space outside the apartment.
There are no sidewalks, only roads and cars and traffic. Every time I leave the house, I'm reminded how much of an 'other' I am in places like this. At least in Georgia, I knew my way around. I'm white and femme presenting yet still, the constant stares, misgendering, and a general distaste for anything different can feel borderline dangerous. I've never actually lived in a place like this, where I am so hyper-aware of my stature and size in relation to others. I do not feel safe here.
Which is odd considering that I grew up in Atlanta, spent my early-late 20's in Los Angeles, and then NYC. I've never felt safer than I did in NYC. No surprise that the whiter and more religious the place is, the less comfortable it is
I'm sad because the shuttle has become a symbol of more isolation for me, I've never wanted to do vanlife alone. It's been a money pit, and those of you who donated have helped me so so much. I don't want to come across as ungrateful! But with the theft of the solar panels, the catalytic converter etc, I just feel I'm feeling trapped, depressed, and hopeless. I have no desire or drive to spend my life traveling alone. I'll be 40 in 4 years and I'm not even in a location where I'll meet a person. At this point, I don't want to put more time/energy/effort into it (right now). I am tired of being so so alone. I want a home. I want security. I want safety. I want to have a place where I can invite others and offer comfort too.
I am so completely unfulfilled in every aspect of my life, as it is. I'm not living for anything other than my cats. My job doesn't pay me what I am worth, and I am not encouraged to do anything I consider actually good. That would be fine if some other aspect of my life was joyful, but it is not. I've been applying to better-paying positions but haven't gotten many interviews to begin with. I had a breakdown last night and cried to my dad about how I've never been able to be financially secure and it's just getting worse. I do not see any possibility for me to ever have a home of my own.
I want to go back to NYC but I can't afford it. I actually can't afford to go anywhere. Dad knows it's not good for me here, so he supports me going elsewhere, let me know as long as he's here I have a place with him. I know I am so so lucky and I am so grateful that I have the father that I do, who wants to help and 'can,' but he can't really. He is in very good health, but he does have prostate cancer. He won't be here forever. I wanted to be able to take care of him, by now.
"Do you believe in yourself?" he asked,
"yes," i replied, "but I know the systems won't let me succeed. Your generation was the only one ever who had 'upward mobility' but ya'll (not YOU you) closed the door behind you. and there is no chance for us now. I've never had financial security independently and I've been working since I was 13."
"That's true. You've never had a problem working. It's that capitalism you keep talking about," he said.
I'm disabled and chronically ill, and I didn't know. It feels like I never had a chance. I don't see how, even with his help, I can get out from under the weight of capitalism.
I'm so tired. I'm so burnt out. I'm so defeated. I just don't know what I'm going to do.
turnnoffyourmind
yousharknotpass
prguitarman
titsay
areudirty
