So this happened. Like a lot of folks, I totally hallucinated as a child, like all the time. There was this one figure, it looked like a fairy -- like short as my dresser, thin, clearly not “human,” eyes that were black, like all pupil, no iris, little black cloak, like a wizard cloak or something. It just stood there, every bloody night, just stood next to my dresser, looking at me, never spoke... it was actually terrifying to me and as real looking -- like flesh and bone real looking -- as the family and dog in my life. And all it did was stand there. Through my whole childhood, into adolescence, I’d roll over, and there it would be. Just standing, just staring. It never interacted with me, just watched me all night, from when the sun went down til morning. I’d beg it to go away and it would just be there.
Fast forward -- lately, I’ve been experiencing this one particular dissociative state more and more, in which I’m just sitting or lying there, frozen, not afraid, just “on pause” all observing, all taking in, no moving. Anyway, that “part” that’s frozen and watching when I’m in the back of my head TALKED to my partner the other night. All it said is that I need to take this more seriously, or I’m never going to get better. Then it went away. That moment was actually really exhausting.
So then, I went to the meeting place, where somehow ended up in a kitchen (that I didn’t even know existed) in the “head-house” because I was asking about that part, trying to find it, meet it... And I turned around and there it was -- the fucking nightmare thing that stood by my bed my whole damn like, not in a cloak, but in a nightgown, eating cake. This resulted in probably 20 minutes of outloud screaming and crying and freaking out and insisting that my partner “get it out of me! Get it out of me! It can’t be IN me! Get it out of me!” Something funny about that is that it (the fairy thing that doesn’t talk) just shrugged, like, “Well I clearly can’t talk to you if you’re screaming” and walked away -- like it was some college dorm or something and it was walking away from the chaos.
I told my therapist about it, and she was like, “Looks like you found another part.” And I’m currently like -- what the actual fuck?! I thought that was a hallucination -- like something from a book or something -- something totally external and honestly terrifying, and apparently, it’s living in my headhouse. So now what? Sigh. My whole system is discombobulated. I seriously can’t even figure out how to put away groceries, do laundry, talk to people... I just want to sleep for a week, wake up, turn my pillow over, and sleep for another week.
