Hearing that he had broken her felt like a knife being shoved right into his heart. His relationship with Tate had been something he clung onto for dear life almost. He had lost so much in his life. There was so much pain and hurt that when he turned to her, he felt whole again. And to now be the one inflicting pain on her was almost unbearable. But for some reason he still felt a void inside of his heart even when he was with her. And it wasn’t her fault. It never was. She loved him just enough. It was Eli who didn’t love Eli. He hated so many parts of him because of all the things that had happened to him. He had blamed himself for all it, even when it was something out of his control. But it was as if the wiring inside of him had been skewed and now he didn’t know how to feel anything correctly any more. His whole mental side of him had been warped and it wasn’t just affecting him, but Tate as well.
It wasn’t as if he wanted this, though. He never wanted to hurt her. She had been a rock for long that the least he could do during this time was be there for her. But somehow he didn’t know how to anymore. So rather than even trying to mend things with her, he just let them continue to get worse. It was almost as if he had become a glutton for pain. Maybe he felt like he deserved it now? Or maybe it was because he was just so damn used to the pain? Who knew. But it was clear he wasn’t going about things right and he didn’t even know how to get back to where he should’ve been.
“It’s not—Tate, it’s not like that.” But what was it like? He couldn’t find the words to encompass all the he felt or how hard this was for him. “Nevermind.” He wasn’t going to put her through something that even he couldn’t comprehend, so instead he wanted to stay quiet. Of course, it became very clear that she wasn’t a fan of how he was acting right now. How quiet and detached he was from it all. But when she grabbed him by the face, he had no choice but to look at her.
And that was when it hurt even worse.
Seeing the anger inside of her. The pain and anguish. They had been together for ten years. Ten years together and within a few days it was completely destroyed. Maybe it was time? Maybe this was the universe telling them their time was up? He didn’t know, honestly. A part of him thought that maybe, just maybe, he was meant to be alone. Grow old alone and die alone. Let Tate find someone well worth her while. Someone who loved her despite the pain and heartache. Someone who loved themselves and made it possible for them to love her even more than he ever could. And as hard as it was for him to even swallow that thought, he wouldn’t stop her from ever finding that.
“Well maybe you should forget about us!”
Something he didn’t want to say out loud, but maybe it would be enough to push her further away to realize she deserved more. And he knew it was awful to even think that, because she had the final say one what she deserved. But he still couldn’t help but feel like it.
Of course, as soon as her lips unexpectedly met his, bits and pieces of his thought process slowly went away. He was taken back by the taste and suddenly his mood shifted. Shifted just long enough for him to get a taste of her lips before they parted.
He let his face linger there for a minute—taking it all in before moving away. As much as he wanted to keep her close, a large part of him was pulling him further back. This was the unfortunate side of things. He was at war between his mind and his heart. And he had no idea what the outcome was going to turn out to be. But he knew that right now, once again, he couldn’t do this. He wanted to—god he wanted to. But too many sides of him were telling him to just stop and take the break he needed.
A break that he didn’t even know how long was going to last. It could be a few days, months, years. He didn’t know. All he knew was that everything was too damn heavy and too damn painful to carry on with right now.
So rather than saying anything, once again, Eli remained silent. His lips still trembling at the taste of hers. His heart still yearning for hers but also breaking along with hers. He knew she was hurting and respected that in ways, hurting more than him. But he was just as destroyed by his decision as she was. Maybe she’d never understood or see that, but it was the truth. Eli was in pain and in so many different ways.
Of course, he still wanted to protect her. But he’d do what she asked. He wasn’t the type to just force him into something where he was clearly unwanted. So rather than fighting her on it, he would do what she said. He’d walk away and just watch from a distance to make sure nothing ever happened to her. Even if she hated it, he was still going to do that.
“Fine. You want me gone, then I’m gone.”
And with that, Eli took a final breath before turning away. It pained him to do so, but he had no choice. He had ended things between them and it wasn’t fair to do this. So he walked off. Despite so many fibers of his being telling him not to he left.
Part of Tate was relieved with the fact that Elijah finally did as he was asked, while other part of her wanted him to just stay and fight her on this. But he didn’t and it was over. Ten years were over in just a couple of days and just having her linger on that feeling a bit more would only drag the inevitable truth longer, and Tate wasn’t about that right now. Right now what she wanted to do was forget it all. Forget where she was, what she was supposed to be doing and forget about the fact that he was still there, somewhere, just waiting, watching for her like he always did.
A bottle turned into two, and before she realized what was going on, Tate was gliding down the room, dancing like there was no tomorrow, no worry on the world, putting up a show of her own and having the time of her life. Completely wasted.
Tate spent more money at the tables, playing blackjack, poker, or anything else she was allowed to in that moment, not paying much attention that she was gathering some unwanted attention with her attitude and manners.
