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Socrates misses Carrie Fisher too.

Breaking Down The Wall

From the time we are born we are told to hold back our emotions. "No baby, don't cry please be quiet." To, "C'mon man, be cool, keep your cool, keep it together." To, "don't give them the satisfaction, don't cry." No. All this does is further build the fear of emotions and judgement. Then we meet the first love, the firs person to break down that wall. We love them and like to believe they love us too, and maybe they do, but way too often they don't. Maybe they're slightly nihilistic and use your care to their advantage only making you feel weak and vulnerable. Then you realize how much you really don't matter to them and everything shatters. Then you build a thicker wall against your emotions, I call this the wall of fear. You decide that you're not going to be hurt the same way ever again, until the next one comes along. This person is held on a golden pedestal in your mind. They begin to build a door to your wall and eventually make it in. You either accept them with full emotion and excitement or you still feel a little suspicious about this new outsider within your wall which eventually usually leads to full acceptance in your barrier. Then that person hurts you just like the first one did, but this time it hurts even more. Possibly so bad it's a physical pain. You heal yourself by rebuilding the wall, blocking people out, keeping it all in, and the wall gets even thicker. Thus the cycle really begins and keeps getting worse and worse until you find 'The One.' But until then, you feel insecure in your emotions and feel vulnerable whenever you present them. I say FUCK THAT. We are HUMAN. EVERYONE HAS EMOTIONS. The only time emotions are a weakness is when you allow them to be. Don't think of your emotions as a weakness, don't let that fear control your life because that will only make your emotions worse. It's like fighting fire with fire, fighting your positive feelings such as love and care with negatives ones such as fear and hate. You will never love yourself if you fear yourself. I say let yourself free! Use your emotions as a strength. Don't be afraid to say you care about someone. Wouldn't you like to be told you're cared for? That's pretty much how everyone is. It's only human to want to feel accepted by at least someone. So if you feel acceptance and care for someone else don't be afraid to tell them. If they choose to take advantage of that then fuck them. That's their loss of one more person to care about them. Instead of feeling insecure with your barrier and building it just redirect it to yourself or to those who also care about you as much as you care about them. Don't feel like you have that? Think, because you probably do. Having a care for others makes t easier for them to care about you too. Love yourself. Love others. Don't fear love. Thank you, and I apologize for the long preaching rant however this is something I CARE about😁 and I think everyone needs to see this and believe it.

#stop hate feel love

Warm sun🌞

#me

Deep blue lipstick and all the snapchat filters.

#me

#doubledogs

x192

uneventfulness

Communication?

I don’t even know where to begin. All I know is that I feel as if I am in constant pain. Being overemotional? Possibly, but I’m so sick and tired of just keeping these emotions in all the time. I fell in love with my best friend. It’s a very common story that most people endure in life. Unrequited love is another very common commodity that occurs in life. However, that doesn’t make it hurt or suck any less. I sat there festering my feelings for months, I watched him lust for other women, gave him advice for other women, warned him, hugged him, rolled a blunt for him when it when awry, ect. There was even this one time when a fuck-buddy he had at the time wanted to have a sleepover at his place and she climbed up in his bed leaving me on the futon. I woke up the next morning to them fucking, I began to cry but I kept it all to myself and pretended to still be sleeping while tears were silently falling down my face. This I never told anyone. Another time, my friends and I had a handle of whiskey and I got very drunk, he left us to go hang out with the same fuck-buddy for a few hours even though he knew I wanted to hangout with my best friend; I was very drunk and throwing up and lost my shit. I blamed the breakdown on internal struggles with my diabetes, and never told anyone the truth. Ever. A few months later, I finally told him how I felt one day with the request to just keep our friendship as it was because though painful, the last thing I wanted was for our friendship to diminish. After that he got even more vocal about his lust for other women, rubbing it in my face in attempt to make my feelings go away by making it as clear as he can that we were never going to happen, that he wasn’t attracted to me. All this did was hurt me more and more. It was already toxic, but it became very very toxic. I’d do everything and anything I could to help him in life and be there for him. I got nothing in return. However he was still my “best friend” so I kept telling myself it was going to be okay meanwhile my self esteem became worse than it ever has before. I feel that the only reason he doesn’t want me is because I’m too fat and ugly. He always emphasizes tiny girls and how he loves tiny girls and skinny girls. Which I am not. I am not obese, but I am not tiny. He’d even mention girls that I’m close to, such as my roommate, as being very hot and how much he’d just loooooove to fuck her which she thoroughly enjoyed the sexual attention and would tease him and make him want her even though she’d never touch him. This would happen right in front of me. I still never said a word and joked and played it off. Then I had to get shipped off back home, two states away from him. We’d talk on the phone for a couple of days when I left, but both phone calls I had to make myself. A lot of other difficult shit happened to me, making me feel very depressed and lonely all the time. Whenever I tried to reach out to him I’d just get ignored. No phone calls or text messages or fucking anything. I finally went off on him telling him how much this was hurting me and how much of an asshole he’s acting, and he just responded with how he’s bad with communication and doesn’t like talking on the phone. Well, BULL FUCKING SHIT, because he’d ALWAYS be on the FUCKING PHONE with his ex or a girl he’s trying to pursue or his parents or something. Not to mention he’s also on his goddamn phone all the fucking time. I’m just so tired of being in pain. Of crying all the time. Of thinking about this. Of being ignored. Of being disrespected. Of being meaningless. I want to be happy. I want to be loved. I want the pain to end.

Colors.

There has been an age long debate amongst us millennials over the color the black. Many of us claim to absolutely love "the color" black. However since black is only what we see when all of the colors in the rainbow are absorbed leaving zero color reflected. In short human explanation, black is the lacking of color. However, I propose a different argument. I think that colors are more than just what we see. Since black is when all of the colors are absorbed and white is when all of the colors are reflected, wouldn't a black object technically be all of the colors and a white object be none of the colors? When you see a green object, would that object really be green? Or just what we see as green, and the object actually be red orange yellow blue indigo and violet? Perspectives. Food for thought.

#selfie

The fourth

¾ of my tattoos

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