@taylorswift you probably will not see this, but nevertheless I try again and hope you will understand my story (originally published on Medium.com):
I am a self-proclaimed Taylor Swift superfan who wants to share his remarkable story with others. I have only shared this full story with one other person and have struggled with how to communicate it, but here it goes.
Since my elementary and middle-school days I had suffered from body image issues, thinking that I was too heavy and needed to lose weight. For three years I would revamp my diet, count calories, weigh myself almost daily, and slim down. Deeply entrenched feelings of self-worthlessness would ensue. I had to receive perfect grades — nothing less than a score of 96% on an exam would suffice — and if I wasn’t “perfect” or “near-perfect” I was undoubtedly worthy of draconian punishment. I would look in the mirror and was nearly disgusted with myself.
In April 2009, I was formally diagnosed with anorexia nervosa, also joining a special group of the mere ten percent of anorexia nervosa patients who are male. For four months, I participated in out-patient care with other high-schoolers suffering from anorexia and bulimia (and yes, as the only male). In the midst of my eating disorder treatment, I was beset by a string of other diagnoses: depression, anxiety (hello, Ativan!), and Asperger’s syndrome. Unfortunately I was very close to ending my own life that summer.
During times of tumult many of us can turn to music to find comfort, and for me, Taylor Swift’s “You Belong With Me” became an instant hit. Being in high school made relating to that song fairly natural. I recall the conversation at our clinic’s lunch table the day after Kanye West’s infamous interruption of Taylor’s winning of the MTV Video Music Award in September.
What struck me most about Taylor was the fact that she was so pure and unsullied. She was so innocent (excuse the song reference). Contrast her and her personality to the rest of the mainstream world of entertainment and there simply was (and is) no comparison. While most music stars exuded raunchy, troubling behavior in an overtly coarsened culture or went from child star to drug addict, Taylor stood alone among role models for the younger generation.
Although my eating disorder was officially under wraps by the summer of 2011, what remained was myriad fundamental issues — mentally, emotionally and socially. While my body weight was normal and I was no longer malnourished, nearly all of the underlying causes of my eating disorder still lingered: depression, anxiety, a near total void of self-worth, and social awkwardness. I would spend some lunches sitting by myself at school and walking around school thinking people abhorred me. Inwardly, I still felt as though I deserved to feel miserable.
While I share what may be a conventional, ubiquitous story about how her music helped me through a particularly trying time in my life, my story runs much deeper.
Like so many twenty-somethings, I fell in love with Taylor’s music, especially her “Speak Now” and “RED” album. Although I never attended either of those tours, I deeply yearned for such a chance; unfortunately, that desire never came to fruition.
Unfortunately for me, I began to experience another problem stemming from my eating disorder, which turned into an all-out addiction. Since I had previously met the criteria for Asperger’s and still juggled severe depression, it remained difficult for me to make friends. Complicating matters, the fact that I was (and remain) an extreme introvert did not play to my benefit. Meeting new people could be daunting but was even worse with my feelings of worthlessness. In what is all too common an occurrence for today’s younger generations, on November 2, 2013, suicidal thoughts engulfed me again. Thinking my days were numbered, I was nearly convinced that suicide would win the fight for my life.
On a brisk night soon thereafter, I prayed to the Lord at school. I prayed for a friend, a girl whom the Lord would send to me to comfort me and somebody to whom I could relate and talk. Little did I know what would happen next.
During Lent of 2014, I experienced the all but mandatory “there is no God” phase which people experience especially in young adulthood. Among various thoughts, I thought, “If there is no God, then there can be no love. Nobody loves me.” The night before my birthday, I turned on “Saturday Night Live.” Now, “SNL” is not a show that I watch and I had not watched it for some time. It just so happened that Ed Sheeran was the musical guest. During host Seth Rogen’s monologue, Taylor Swift made a surprise appearance. (Clearly Taylor was there in support of Sheeran, although this possibility had not crossed my mind.) Suddenly I felt a sense of comfort. At the time I didn’t know what had happened. But by the grace of God my disbelief phase was very brief.
It took me a few weeks to process what had happened, but I realized that I had received a sign from God. Over the next nine weeks I would receive communication ad infinitum from the Lord through Taylor, mostly through her songs, especially through her landmark 2010 hit, “Mine.” Specifically, the signs conveyed the message, “I am here. I exist” from the Lord. To this day “Mine” is my favorite song not only since I enjoyed it but for this reason as well. How did I know that these signs were from God and what were the signs telling me? For starters, songs of Taylor’s would come on the radio — admittedly not too uncommon — but at totally unexpected times. Her songs also came on in various stores. They would also begin almost right after I entered the car or the store. One thing that I had learned about the Lord was He works on His own timetable, not ours. Surely the Lord had to have known where I would be at all those times. What was more, the continuous nature of the suspected signs was too suspect for them to be mere coincidence coming from Taylor Swift. I also saw her in newspapers and on television, all at times when I happened to be in the right place.
“Mine” proved especially to be an important song to me: In overcoming my second addiction, I remembered the words of Taylor Swift in “Mine”: “Hold on. Make it last. Hold on. Never turn back.”
Seeking out more information, I spoke with my psychologist who had helped me since my eating disorder days. I asked her for counsel on whether I was truly receiving divine signs. Confirming my signs, she told me, “Because that’s how He [God] knows how to reach you.” Indeed, part of the reason that Taylor was the perfect medium through which the Lord sent me signs was the ease with which I would recognize the signs — and, having as much righteousness and being as selfless a person as she is, Taylor fit the mold.
In terms of further explaining how I knew these signs were divine, I would tell others that I just knew. My countenance confirmed it time and again. Furthermore, I would experience a feeling of joy deep down. This emotion was the most beautiful, enthralling feeling I have ever experienced. The Lord cared enough to communicate with me, His son! (And He cares about you, too.)
I have dreamed of meeting Taylor Swift and speaking with her at length for a good 5+ years. I have desired to share my story with her and to thank her for what she has done for me (i.e., “changed my life,” in the words of my psychologist). I wish that there was some way I could repay her.
I am currently working on a memoir of my eating disorder, recovery, and mental health experience. This TSwift story is going to be expanded upon in more detail and given its own chapter.
I am so, so blessed that God sent her and her music into my life. What an amazing gift it has been. I recall the byline of one Swiftie’s Instagram account: “If you ever get sad, just remember that you were born to live in the same time period as Taylor Swift.”
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