“It ain’t over until it’s over” is what I want to believe right now. A few days ago I went through an LPDP scholarship interview for my Master’s Degree. I won’t elaborate how it went, all I can say is that it did not go as smooth as I want it to be. All the way home after the interview I kept thinking, what went wrong? Why did it turn out this way, I was so confident just right before it began, I prepared my answers carefully, I managed my breathing well, I even gave mental support to others. The more I thought about the interview, the more I thought about the mistakes I made. Then those thoughts led me to think “I should have answered this question better”, “I should have answered that question another way”, “Why didn’t I…” and so on and so on. All these thoughts filled my head and I couldn’t help but ended up thinking, “Ah, I messed this up. I am doomed. There is no way I would get the scholarship with an interview that went really bad,” And then as soon as I came home I cried, and cried, and cried.
Seeing me crying that much, my parents approached me and asked me what happened. I told them my feelings of the interview, how I think it would be hard for me to get the scholarship, and I cried even more. But my dad was not affected by what I said, and he calmly told me, “Do not be like this. Thinking that you will fail now, when the interview just ended and the results is not even announced yet, is being way ahead of God.”
The whole situation where I cried in front of my parents and my dad lectured me not to jump into conclusion stopped me from crying as it was so similar to what I experienced after my university entrance exam. At that time, I really believed that I would not get into University of Indonesia because the passing grade was really high, and I couldn’t even get many answers right. For math, I only answered 5 out of 15 questions and I had one answer wrong. For geography, I got 6 right answers but 7 wrongs. In short, mathematically, with my grades alone it was impossible for me to pass. This did not happen to me only, four years before it happened to my oldest sister as well. She sent her answers to a radio that helped test takers to calculate their grade then predict their possibility of getting in the university they applied to, and through the radio she was announced to pass her second choice but her possibility of getting into her first choice university was really small. But somehow, miraculously we both passed the test and got into our first choices.
To think of it, there were many other times I thought I did not do well but the results said otherwise. In fact, the two scholarship selection process I went through before were not that smooth either. For instance, during the first selection process of AFS student exchange program that I went through in 2008 for going to the USA, I legitimately thought that I was doomed right from the moment I stepped into the test location. Everybody except me seemed to be reading newspaper or a book titled “A Complete Summary of Common Knowledge” (RPUL in Indonesian) because for the very first stage of selection there would a written test about English and common knowledge. I did not even bother to study for it, consequently I could not answer many of the common knowledge questions. The worse thing was, after the written test there were an essay test which was said to be the main part of the first selection stage and… I did not even finish the essay! I only wrote one introduction paragraph plus one and a half body paragraphs because I was too focused on writing the essay framework (?), when a complete essay should have at least introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. I was extremely shocked when I was notified I passed and need to go through the second stage of selection.
The second stage of selection which consists of an English interview and a “Personality Interview” conducted in Indonesian did not go smooth as well. I distinctly remember that I was asked how do I plan to make friends in the US and foolishly I answered that I would make friends by keep smiling and greet my classmates warmly. The interviewer laughed at my answers and I was driven to change my mind about somethings, which worried me because they might think I was inconsistent. Again, I did pass but on the third stage there was this problem-solving group discussion and the people in my group was really smart and opinionated while I was…just going with the flow, responding and simply adding points to already presented ideas. Even until now, it feels surreal that I passed all stages and eventually received the scholarship.
The process I went through to get a Global Korea Scholarship for going on a student exchange program to Seoul National University in 2013 was rocky as well. I vividly remember that I passed the documents selection rather smoothly, but the interview was a problem. The thing is, candidates were not informed ahead of time when their interview would be so one day, I was far away from campus attending an event and suddenly I got called by the International Office to come for an interview in less than 2 hours. I rushed to the interview location, only to find out I was the first to arrive. I registered for the interview right away, and before I finished catching my breath another candidate came. While waiting for our turns, we introduced ourselves and I became panicked because I found out that he is really smart and moreover, active in Model United Nation. Based on qualifications alone, it seemed impossible to beat him to get the scholarship, which is provided for one person only of all applicants from all faculties in my university. My doubts in getting the scholarship worsened during the interview. When asked about my motivation for going, I answered honestly which seemed to be too simple judging from the interviewer’s unsatisfied expression. I didn’t know what else to add to make my answer satisfies him so I blabbered and blabbered (I don’t even remember anymore what I said at that time ha ha). Again, miraculously I was picked for the one year exchange program. It was quiet unbelievable.
From all these experiences, I learned that no matter how hard a test or a trial in life is, how much it seems that we failed to reach our expectations and overcome the obstacles we had to face during them, and how impossible it seems to pass it although we put so much effort into it, we should never ever overthink about the result and ending up looking down on yourself and kill our self-esteem by deciding that you have failed when the results are not even out yet. It is not over until it’s over, because at least based on my experience, besides efforts, there always seems to be an X factor that takes part in deciding the final result. For me who believes in God, this X factor may be a fate decided earlier by God, or may be God’s help as an answer to our and our friends or families’ prayers. For others, it might be their tremendous luck. Or this X factor might be aspects of the test that we actually succeeded in but they were not obvious to us because we are too focused on the parts of the test that didn’t go well. This negativity can cloud our minds and make us think we failed. For example, although not all parts of the interview satisfy the interviewers, there might be some parts that we answered well enough to convince the interviewers that we deserve to pass. It might be part that shows your intelligence, it might be about your personality, it might be about your passion, there are endless possibilities.
Sure, when there is no guarantee that we fail, there is no guarantee that we succeed as well. But that’s not the point. The point is, no matter what the result will be, we should not worry ahead of time and pointlessly finding our faults. Because until the result is out, it is not the end yet. Instead of thinking only the reasons why we could fail, we should consider thinking the possibilities of passing too. Or we can just not think about it, and do good deeds for the society while waiting so we don’t waste our time. We can volunteer, plant trees, clean the streets around us, help those in need, or at least help your parents and friends out when they need us. Instead of spending money on shopping or entertaining ourselves to relieve us from stress, donate or spend your money for good causes. All the good deeds you do might contribute to your passing the test. Even if we failed at least before that we did something meaningful instead of drowning in sorrow waiting for us to fail.
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