recently, i read the iliad for the first time and i made a "no one told me the iliad was a comedy??" list while reading it, so here's the list in its entirety!!!
- diomedes in all of book five.
- athena telling diomedes he shouldn't fight any of the gods that may show up on the battlefield, except for aphrodite, because what's she gonna do, fight back?
- athena then lecturing diomedes for NOT fighting ares, and diomedes proceeding to tell her "dude, you literally told me not to fight him, what do you want from me?"
- achilles and his pure hatred for agamemnon. someone give this man a shirt that says "number one agamemnon hater".
- achilles and agamemnon arguing the entire time they're in the vicinity of each other. every time they talked, it was like two kids coming up with every insult under the sun without outwardly cursing each other out.
- agamemnon essentially calling achilles a whiny bitch. kind of iconic.
- a popular favorite but: odysseus going around and beating the men who wanted to leave with a fancy ceremonial stick. it just never gets old.
- odysseus being that one guy who never shuts up about his kid while beating the living shit out of thersites. he very proudly calls himself the "father of telemachus" while verbally and physically abusing this man.
- odysseus once again referring to himself as the "loving father of telemachus" when agamemnon is trying to piss him off so he'll join the battle. i'm pretty sure this is a fairly common thing for odysseus to do, and you got to love him for it.
- another popular favorite: agamemnon mourning his very-much-so-still-alive younger brother after menelaus gets shot by an arrow in the thigh. menelaus quickly realizes he's fine and asks his brother to stop lamenting his "death" because if he keeps it up, he's gonna spook the rest of the men and that's just not what they need right now.
- and then agamemnon immediately being like "oh, word? okay, but you need a doctor- SOMEONE GET THE DOCTOR!"
- athena grabbing achilles' hair during the argument between achilles and agamemnon in book one when achilles is deadass about to just kill agamemnon because he's mad as hell. she then proceeds to tell achilles to call agamemnon names instead and books it.
- helen being the bad bitch she is whenever she's on the page, despite her circumstances. not only does she flat out tell paris she wishes he had been killed, but she basically tells aphrodite to bed paris herself, which is ballsy as fuck and i have nothing but respect for her.
- speaking of paris: hector absolutely TEARING into paris after he flees from fighting menelaus one-on-one. he really just says that paris is only good for looking pretty he wishes paris had never been born which, honestly, good for him.
- priam asking helen to point out the various greek leaders and immediately calling agamemnon handsome. idk why but it made me chuckle just a bit.
- priam also comparing odysseus to a ram, which is such a wonderful visual and i think about it a lot.
- antenor, one of priam's advisors, recognizing odysseus when helen points him out and immediately going: "oh, that motherfucker, i remember him. he looks like an idiot, but man, does he know how to use his words to win over a crowd."
- nestor essentially saying "back in my day-" every time he opens his damn mouth. i love him and he never shuts up once he gets going.
- diomedes telling glaucus he's "not one to fight the heavenly gods" immediately after fighting not one, but TWO of said heavenly gods.
- athena and hera wanting to throw hands with zeus in book 8.
- athena and hera ALSO being petty as all hell and actively ignoring zeus after he told them to stand down. deserved, if you ask me.
- diomedes calling odysseus a coward when asking for odysseus to help him save hector.
- "stubborn odysseus" then ignores him, and runs back to the ships. honestly, don't know what diomedes was expecting, calling the guy a bunch of names.
- hector and greater ajax throwing ROCKS at each other in the middle of battle.
- diomedes scolding agamemnon for suggesting that the greeks retreat. the guy had it coming, and diomedes read him like a book and it was beautiful.
- odysseus not calling achilles by name after he and greater ajax came back from an attempt to persuade achilles to forgive agamemnon. he really just told agamemnon and the rest of the greek lords: "this guy is an asshole, y'all, he's still all worked up about it. ain't no way we getting him off his ass to fight."
- the entirety of book 10 feels like a fever dream and i'm kind of obsessed, regardless of what historians/classicists have to say about it. like wdym diomedes and odysseus go out on a little night time stroll while the greek camp is under siege, kill a bunch of men, and come back with some fancy ass horses and weapons??
- nestor kicking poor diomedes awake when diomedes was sleeping on the ground in front of his tent. like, damn old man, you could at least try to see if he'd wake up if you called his name or some shit.
- this is also funny as fuck when you consider that literally a few hours ago, diomedes busted his ass to save nestor's life. this is why we don't help people, kids.
- odysseus telling diomedes that there was no need for diomedes to praise him because "everyone knows i'm hot shit dude, let's just go and get this over with."
- diomedes calling paris a "sleazy flirt" after paris shot him in the foot with an arrow. he calls him a LOT of names, but he basically just calls paris a cowardly, weak-ass slut, which is spot on if i'm being totally honest.
- odysseus immediately trying to mentally hype himself up after diomedes left him alone on the battlefield. he really just stood there like "oh fuck, i can't run because i'm not a spineless coward but i'm all alone out here what the fuck am i gonna do!!!??" gotta feel a little bad for the guy.
- diomedes' and hector's beef. they HATE each other and it honestly cracks me up. diomedes is constantly ragging on hector for being babied by apollo and hector basically keeps saying diomedes is a rabid animal that's out of control.
- hector telling his horses they're lucky because andromache gives them the good wine first, before he gets any. he really said "my wife loves me but i guess she loves you guys more, how the FUCK did you get so lucky???"
- idomeneus and meriones running into each other in the greek camp while everyone else is fighting. fully imagined them just standing there and pointing at each other like: "yo, dude, what are you doing here?"
- meriones, instead of going to his own tent, decides to take a spear from idomeneus and basically tells idomeneus "dude, my tent is so far, please don't make me go all the way out there and just let me borrow one of yours."
- idomeneus being totally chill with it, so long as they hurry the fuck up and no one sees them away from the battlefield because then people will think they're cowardly losers.
- no further notes on this one, just patroclus. what a guy.
- agamemnon trying to convince the rest of the greeks to retreat in the middle of battle. AGAIN.
- and agamemnon keeps on doing this, throughout several books at this point, and it's actually kind of impressive. i guess he really just wants to leave troy because he's sick and tired of NOT winning all the time.
- odysseus having absolutely none of this and immediately putting agamemnon on blast. odysseus literally curses him and calls agamemnon pathetic and dishonorable. preach it, king.
- and agamemnon actually listens to odysseus and immediately goes "shit, you right, my bad."
- posideon and zeus beefing in book 15.
- specifically posideon basically saying that if zeus doesn't let the greeks win, he's never going to forgive zeus. peak sibling behavior.
- meriones and aeneas shit-talking each other in the middle of a very intense, very important battle.
- this is immediately followed by patroclus telling meriones to "stop yapping and throw hands".
- in retrospect, patroclus probably regrets saying that, given that throwing hands is what got his ass killed.
- patroclus throwing a massive rock at some trojan, effectively killing the poor guy, then proceeding to mock the way the trojan fell as he died. absolutely FOUL behavior and it made me giggle just a little bit.
- i should probably mention that this "poor guy" was cebriones, hector's current charioteer and half-brother. hector's proceeding crash out was completely understandable, when you think about it.
- odysseus reminding achilles of the importance of breakfast. eat your breakfast people!!!
- odysseus also telling achilles to "shut the hell up because i'm older and therefore wiser and i know what i'm talking about so zip it and let me speak".
- aeneas telling achilles to stop yapping on the battlefield when it was actually HIM who was in the middle of a good old homeric "this is my dad and this was his dad and his dad did this" speech.
- achilles damn near about to crash out when apollo kept protecting hector. this man tried to kill hector FOUR TIMES and apollo just yanked hector out of the way each time. achilles was like "oh, so apollo favors you? yeah, well, if any of the gods like me, next time i see you, i'm gonna FUCK YOU UP!!!"
- achilles beefing with a river.
- like dude, stop KILLING people in the water, you're clogging the river and that's just not cool. respect the environment, asshole.
- book 21 is really just "angry man yells at river before being swept away by the waters of divine fury".
- athena decking ares and aphrodite. she was really sick and tired of them at this point.
- posideon essentially calling apollo a little shit when apollo kept siding with the trojans.
- apollo sending achilles on a wild goose chase while disguised as a trojan. it's giving tom and jerry, i can't even lie.
- achilles beefing with apollo. just in general.
- this can also be extended to: apollo beefing with achilles. and we all know how that ends!!!
- hector being bamboozled by his own idea of trying to beg for mercy and understanding from achilles. he really was like "why the fuck am i trying to problem solve this, the guy wants me dead. ain't no way he's gonna listen to anything i say".
- a popular favorite that i think deserves a quick mention: hector and achilles running around troy three fucking times. tom and jerry part two????? except this is an alternate universe where tom catches jerry and it's not pretty.
- nestor giving antilochus advice on how to win the chariot race even though antilochus knows what he's doing.
- this is extra funny when antilochus turns around and cheats to get ahead of menelaus. an asshole move, but so incredibly real and i can't even say i blame him.
- apollo knocking diomedes' whip out of his hand during the race. out of spite.
- it's actually because diomedes had taken aeneas' horses in book 5 and diomedes was using them in the race, but still. petty and spiteful and i love it.
- athena immediately rushing to grab the whip to return it to diomedes. athena is playing favorites again and she's not even trying to hide it.
- lesser ajax and idomeneus bickering during the chariot race. SPECIFICALLY idomeneus telling lesser ajax "young man, you're real good at arguing and bitching, but man, where the fuck are your brains at?"
- the ONE TIME achilles is mentioned smiling is when antilochus is throwing a fit about not receiving his due prize and i think that's beautiful.
- achilles really saw his friend complaining and said "that's my bro how can i NOT give him exactly what he wants?"
- menelaus tearing into antilochus and shaming him for cheating during the race in front of everyone.
- mans really told antilochus to swear on posideon that he didn't cheat so of course antilochus is like "shit shit i can't make that oath because i did cheat and i am NOT getting on the shit list of any god".
- so antilochus is like "okay menelaus, my bad old man, i'm just so young and spry that i can't help myself sometimes".
- and then he just gives menelaus the mare that was the second place prize to avoid making an untrue oath while STILL managing to insist he won fair and square.
- menelaus also being like "okay, i forgive you because you are usually pretty well behaved so let's just chalk this up to like, temporary insanity or something".
- AND THEN menelaus gives the mare BACK to antilochus.
- menelaus is a softie at heart and antilochus knew it and absolutely took advantage of it and WON. bro played the long game and it was so worth it. this whole sequence was so entertaining to me, can you tell?
- nestor, the absolute icon that he is, once again going off on one of his rants. everyone say "i heart nestor".
- the footrace between lesser ajax, odysseus, and antilochus.
- namely odysseus praying to athena to help him win the race, which she does, of course. she gives odysseus a little boost and she TRIPS lesser ajax, which causes him to fall face first into a pile of cow shit.
- it gets in his mouth and nose y'all, it's nasty as fuck.
- i also think it's funny that odysseus is the oldest of the three of them, and even without athena's help at the end he was right behind lesser ajax the entire time.
- of course i have to mention lesser ajax whining about the fact that athena dotes on odysseus like a mother.
- and odysseus not saying anything to argue because he knew lesser ajax wasn't really wrong about that.
- antilochus also saying that the gods have a habit of favoring old men.
- old man odysseus for the win!!!!!
- it also cracks me up at how obvious it is that achilles favors antilochus y'all, it's HILARIOUS.
- antilochus goes after the race and starts talking about how "odysseus is an old man, but boy, he's almost as fast as achilles!" and achilles is over here like "yeah, he totally is, you're so right. here, have some more gold for being my number one hype man".
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