"i can't breathe" - the privilege paradox (never let me go, ep. 4)
nuengdiao has "everything," except for what he really wants. the paradox is that although he occupies a position of privilege, that very privilege is what most prevents him from achieving happiness. his privilege comes with expectations that constrict around him and limitations on his ability to form meaningful relationships with other people. nueng is incredibly skilled at maintaining a confident, unbothered mask. but as the pressure on him mounts and his feelings for palm grow increasingly uncontrollable, the mask fractures - and as he shouts at palm at the party, it shatters.
the first 15 minutes of the series set the tone. nuengdiao's parents prioritize work over him. his dad pressures him to take over the family hotel business (despite his lack of interest in it) by saying he's "the only one" who can be trusted to do it. his dad is murdered in front of his eyes, launching him into the limelight as the company's heir apparent. he must face a crowd of hungry reporters fishing for dirt on his family and the greedy parents of his peers with a steel gaze, betraying no weakness.
the color palette is all midnight blue and velvet red - decadent, heavy, and suffocating. you subconsciously feel nueng's unwanted future closing in around him, so much so that you don't realize you're holding your breath until it cuts to palm on his fishing boat. there, it's all bright sky and open air, complemented by relaxed, breezy music. of course, this too, is a prison (palm himself says he has "no future here"), but in contrast to the darkness and formality of nueng's world, it feels like freedom.
nueng takes it pretty well, all things considered. he swallows his desires and tells his parents he'll do his best to take over the family business. when an english-speaking reporter asks him about concerns that the company's profits will decline in his father's absence, nueng masks his uncertainty about the future with a confident tone and elegant accent, telling the report everything will be "absolutely fine."
nuengdiao wears the same mask at school, proclaiming he doesn't need friends and refusing to give his bullies the satisfaction of seeing him upset. instead, he leaves the room calmly, only folding in on himself when in the safety and privacy of his beloved music room.
because everybody approaches him for personal gain, he can't allow himself to trust anyone. perhaps the most powerful example of nueng's masking ability is when he acts friendly with phum in the pool, all while suspecting him of being his bully and simultaneously executing a plan to catch him in the act. even when he does, nueng exercises self-restraint, attempting to first negotiate with phum to get his necklace back rather than rely on violence.
palm is the only one with whom nueng's mask falters, perhaps because he is the only person nueng has any real power over (or, perhaps, because he actively wants palm to see and love his true self). again and again, we see nueng show extreme vulnerability to palm in a way he doesn't let anyone else (even his own mother) see. he shares his grief and bitterness at the condo rooftop in episode one ("my father died on my birthday"/"we are our father's puppets"), invites palm to touch his neck in episodes two and three ("pengyou"/"can you put it on me?"), and shares his anxieties about his mother's response to his sexuality in episode 4 ("i'm afraid i won't fulfill her expectations").
nueng's inability to be with palm (as a friend and a romantic partner) is yet another instance of nueng's privileged position getting in the way of what he wants. each time they take a step closer to becoming something more than boss and subordinate, an external factor comes and reminds them that doing so is not allowed. this is clearest in episode 2: they agreed to be friends, but aunt nid asks palm to bring palm breakfast like a servant; nueng invites palm to eat with him, but chanon scolds palm for doing so; palm must take the bus to school, while nueng rides in the van; the teachers exempt nueng from doing push-ups when he's late, while palm must do double; and so on...
because being with palm seems impossible, nueng accepts ben's advances, mostly because he is willing and able to shower him with the love and affection he so desperately craves (side note: at least for the time being - i haven't forgotten chopper's warning). when ben confesses his feelings for him, nueng admits that "no one has said those words" to him before. as he tells palm later, it feels good to be "wanted."
but nueng cannot mask or repress his feelings for palm for long. two scenes are critical to nueng making the decision to continue to pursue palm and slow things down with ben. the first is when palm says he doesn't like maggie during their conversation by the pond. nueng looks confused and asks if it's possible that he'll like her in the future (perhaps an attempt at figuring out palm's sexuality?), to which palm gives an ambivalent response. previously, nueng had assumed palm liked maggie, and that assumption drove his jealousy. now though, there's a possibility that all of those lingering looks and soft touches and caring words he's exchanged with palm meant something to palm too.
the second critical scene is when nueng is in the bath, thinking about his kiss with ben. he touches his lips contemplatively, remembering the sensation, but the memory of ben is quickly replaced by one of palm wrapping his arms around him at the shooting range. just like in episode 3, when nueng danced with ben but wanted to dance with palm, nueng kissed ben but would rather kiss palm. he sits up and leans forward abruptly, as if coming to a decision. he's not giving up on palm. he looks slightly resigned, acknowledging how difficult it will be for them to be together.
nueng's conversation with ben at the dance hall, in which he suggests they not rush to date and take time to get to know each other first, illustrates his decision to pump the brakes with ben in hopes of being with palm instead. throughout their whole conversation, he wears a happy, flirtatious, confident mask. but as soon as ben leaves, the mask drops, replaced by a forlorn, jealous expression as he heads to the bar to drink while stewing over maggie and palm from afar.
more than anything else, i think nueng is jealous of how easy it is for maggie and palm to be with each other. when he storms over to them, demanding to know why palm can dance with maggie but not him, he is acutely aware of why. he spells out all the reasons as he derogates palm, calling him his servant, his running dog, his lackey. he doesn't really see palm this way, but everyone else does. and when has what nueng thought mattered? when have his feelings made a difference?
despite his privileged position in society, nueng is powerless in his own life. at the dance, he takes out this helpless anger on palm, the one person he can exert power over. (it reminds me a little of vegaspete's dynamic on a smaller scale, with one taking out their frustration about the impossible expectations they've inherited from their fathers on the one person they can control.) it's almost like nueng is grappling with the impossibility of being with palm aloud, angry that their status difference will always keep them apart. maybe he's angry with himself, for thinking things could be different.
while the moment is certainly devastatingly painful for palm, i want to suggest that it is also painful for nueng. when palm is knocked to the ground, gasping for breath, nueng falls to the floor too. despite the harsh words nueng just said, they reach for each other in mutual anguish. nueng cries palm's name, begging for help as he repeatedly says, "i can't breathe."
it's a confession. i can't breathe. maybe he stopped breathing when his father died, bleeding out in a back alley and releasing one last breath into the night air. ever since, he's been suffocating in slow motion, denied oxygen at every turn. palm is the only one who gives him air, the only one he can let the mask slip for. but now, the mask is altogether shattered, and nueng is as vulnerable as he's ever been. he's reaching a shaky hand out toward palm, telling him, i can't breathe without you.
and sometime soon, palm will take him to the ocean, where we first saw palm against a background of bright sky. where it felt like freedom. and they'll be able to breathe once more. together.
