I know you're gone. I know that I have no address, no envelopes for these letters, updates you'll never read about a life you'll never live. I keep tearing open my heart and fumbling through my feelings just for these words to end up tucked away in my nightstand.
So why do I feel so close to you when I write them? Why is it that as soon as I pick up the pen, I can picture you amongst the stars, surrounded by infinite energy and light and power. I can feel you watching me, feel your strength and your love like... like you're a universe away but still right by my side. I don't know about the afterlife, kid. I don't know what waits for us on the other side of all of this. But I know that I still feel you. You're still with me. And today -- today that's enough.
I've spent so much of my life obsessing over the past or being terrified about the future. I replayed the same moments over and over, tried to plan out every worst case scenario so I'd never feel that kind of pain ever again. I was so protective, so afraid, and so full of regret and shame. And for what? What did it get me? Nothing.
It didn't end the curse. It didn't save you.
But you know the worst part, El? About all that fear, that self-hatred? I let it ruin our time together. I spent so much time acting like a complete fool. I was so scared... so, so scared, and I let that fear hover over us like a storm cloud.
I should have taken in every minute, every single second I had you here. I should have been soaking up the light instead of running from the dark. I can't ever get that time back. I'm sorry, kid. I'm really sorry.
I'm working on being more present, in the moment. Trying to notice what I'm feeling, trying to really be here, now, with Joyce and with the boys. You know more than anyone how difficult I am, but they've been so patient with me and I'm trying to be better. I promise, I'm trying.
And I think you would be proud of me. We just got back from dinner with the Wheelers. They threw a birthday celebration for Jonathan -- and for you. Karen made cupcakes. Mike made waffles.
Not only did I go, and stay the whole time, but I was even somewhat pleasant. I'm proud of myself, honestly. I wanted to be my usual antisocial self, to run far away from anything remotely resembling a celebration. What the hell do we have to celebrate?But I knew that was the cave talking, begging me to stay inside and embrace the hollow emptiness, the detachment, the denial.
And I saw Joyce getting ready to go out, putting on a brave face yet again, without me by her side... and it hurt. It hurt to think of Jonathan -- stepping up, through all of his grief, all the shit he's had to deal with, being let down by his dad his whole damn life -- only to be let down by me too. It hurt to see Will, who should be kicking off his summer vacation and instead is just trying to heal, to recover some semblance of his stolen childhood. It hurt to think of them not knowing, not believing they could rely on me, trust me -- not knowing how much I care.
So instead of running from that hurt, I leaned in. I tried to listen to what it was telling me; I let it pull me out of the cave, out of the house, and out to dinner. And it felt good, like... like following the hurt lessened it's power, somehow.
It was good, albeit strange, to see Joyce and Karen getting along. I think they understand each other now in a way they never did before. And it was good to see the boys with their friends. They're doing as well as they can be, given the circumstances. Will is officially a Senior now, and I know he's looking forward to graduating, getting out of this stuffy town, away from his overbearing mom and her miserable old boyfriend; but I'm hoping time slows down -- hoping he can be a kid for just a bit longer. I'm just now getting to be in his life full time, and I'm not ready for him to leave, not ready for an empty nest. I like this thing we're building, however fractured it may be. I'm not ready for it to end -- another ending. Not again. Not yet.
Jonathan and Nancy have been making a movie -- a documentary, with interviews and the like -- to use for his application to film school. Someone should really tell them they broke up because you could've fooled me -- they're always together -- but Jonathan seems focused, determined, & confident so, I hope she keeps coming around.
He and Joyce have grown closer than ever. They had a lot to work through, you know, after everything. Probably a bit of resentment, some guilt. But I think loss has a way of opening your eyes, breaking down your tunnel vision and your pride, and reminding you that tomorrow's never promised. They've been inseparable lately, making up for lost time. What I wouldn't give...
But I can't do that for us, Jane.
And it breaks my fucking heart.
So I can't do it again. I won't. I can't keep missing out on what's in front of me, losing time. I can't keep making the same mistakes, expecting a different outcome. And you're here. You're still here with me, I can feel it! I swear to God I can feel you here. And I know the life you'd want for me, kid. So I don't know how, but goddammit -- I'm gonna find it. I promise.
(So anxious about this one. The imposter syndrome kicked in for real so... feel free to send kudos for my mental health 🤣)
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