Missy had been to the apartment of many different men. Some, sheâd toed her shoes off at the door and let her feet sink into the plush hallway carpet. Other times, sheâd focused only on the wave of lust crashing through her instead of locking in on, perhaps, the dire need for a hazmat suit as she navigated her way through dirty laundry draped across a sofa or shampoo spilled carelessly onto a bathroom floor. On one occasion, a one night stand had pulled his duvet back to reveal a half-eaten cup of Pot Noodle lying on his mattress, to which Missy had drawn a firm line and instructed him to fuck her up against the wall instead.
Basically, sheâd seen it all. Been in many a manâs bed and apartment, rummaging through the contents of his fridge for a post-coital snack, but there had never been a home that made her feel as safe as Colinâs.
She knew it almost as well as her own apartment that she shared with her Gramps, albeit with far less dinosaur memorabilia. With the rain battering against the window and the lamps in the room creating the perfect mood lighting, she should, by all rights, be relaxing the same way she usually did in the familiar surroundings. Instead, she felt like she might bolt at any minute. When had Colinâs apartment stopped being a sanctuary for her? When had that been taken as well?
Her breath hitched as she felt Colinâs hand settle on her knee. But he was putting it about two inches south of where she needed it to be. Not in a sexual way. Sheâd already put that idea to rest for tonight, but where Colinâs hand sat was not where Missy needed it to be in order for her skin to stop feeling like it was being set alight. Her thighs prickled uneasily and a fresh wave of frustration washed over her as she tried to find a way to voice this.
âItâs not⊠I canât,â she tried to say, knowing that whatever words did come out wouldnât be satisfactory enough. She would only succeed in making herself look crazy.
In her fight to push herself all the way back to normal though, she realised sheâd only made herself look worse. She hadnât meant to hit herself, but it had been instinctive, a knee-jerk reaction. Compulsive, almost.
A hiccuping breath tore out of her the moment Colin gently grabbed her wrist and began pressing kisses to her skin. It was a tenderness she didnât think she deserved right now, but she supposed you had to talk softly to a spooked animal in order to get it to calm down for long enough to subdue it. Colin was only doing what she might have done with a scared dog. And she would try her best to wag her tail and be obedient.
âItâs fine. Iâm fine,â she protested lamely, but she didnât argue when Colin sat beside her on the couch. As soon as his weight settled in next to her, she squeezed her eyes shut again, too ashamed to look at him.Â
âYou donât need to take care of me like that,â she argued, her voice lacking any conviction. She knew it was weak, but the moment she let herself move, crawling into Colinâs lap, something in her chest settled, if only slightly.
She felt one of Colinâs hands at her back, fingers pressing against her tailbone. Frowning, she shifted a little, trying to recalibrate where they should be to quiet the alarm bells in her head.
âI know you think Iâm weird,â she said, easily putting words in Colinâs mouth. It made her own inner thoughts seem validated if she could force them to be reflected back at her from her best friend. Easier for her to open herself up to punishment. Wriggling once more, she bit back another frustrated noise.
âI know you think Iâm weird,â she repeated, her voice a little louder this time. âBut can you move your fingers just- around my hip a little. Itâs just⊠It wonât feel right if itâs notâŠâ She reached behind her and pulled his hand around, pressing her fingers on top of his so she could align them against the seam of her blouse, where she needed them to be. Almost instantly, the noise in her head quieted and she slumped tiredly against Colinâs chest.
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