Love Without A Target When I was a little girl growing up in Tulsa, Oklahoma I lived on a street called Garrison Place. This street was full of neighbors who knew who I was and to whom I belonged. The majority of families was similar to our family by having both parents and at least one daughter in the house. A house with multiple siblings was a plus, especially sisters because that meant that I wouldn’t be asked to leave the boys room, or told not to climb a tree, or host solo tea parties in my room. Daddy was always very protective of me. He always had an eye on who was close, who would walk passed the living room to get to the bathroom near my room (to ensure there were no detours) or even who picked me up as a kid. I can recall people picking me up and shortly being taken from them soon after. I meant everything to him and he meant everything to me, He always wanted a girl. The story goes something like this: When your mother went into labor with you we lost 3 boys and 4 girls prior. When we heard that you were not going to make it I had enough of seeing your mother’s heart break and our expectations crumble. And I knew at some point I would have to make a change in my heart in order for you to live. So I told God that if you would just let this one live that I’ll live… for YOU. So in essence my birthday can be viewed as the day that my father gave his life to Christ and gave me the name Faith. This story has always meant a lot me and to this day even more. Because I was introduced to love that day. A self sacrificing love that I can only equate to Jesus Christ’s love for me. From that day on my Dad would cover me, father me, discipline me, forgive me, shepherd me, and ultimately serve me. He was my miracle predestined. He loved me so much and in return I honored and revered him. I wasn’t the perfect kid, but when I learned how to make him proud it became my discipline. Imagine this…. A boy (my father) created from broken parents, an alcoholic mother and an absent father. Forced to run away with his brother to an older Aunt and Uncle who fathered him to wholeness. He never had a family until he created his own, He worked, provided, and took care of his aunt and uncle until they passed and suffered the loss of seven children. By all intensive purposes there should be no love or faith in God. In fact no faith in people, words, or deeds. But when God blessed my father with the love of his life (my mother), My father knew there had to be God and a plan for his life. My father went on to take on hobbies that treasure life and memories of others. He was an avid artist using pencils and shadowing to create replicas of images. No tracing allowed OH NO! He could see an image in front of him and sketch it to life. I can see him now in his self made studio (our den) with the light on, his glasses to the tip of his nose, music playing leaning into his work on the all white architectural desk. He would moisten the tip of the pencil and smear in features to the face and create dimensions to hair or even patterns on a shirt. He was his happiest when he was doing what he loved in a house with the woman and children he loved. My father was quiet yet friendly. He was loyal. He was a good, good father. And on September 4, 2019 my father became my angel. Since his passing I have struggled with God’s work. Anyone who is feeling this kind of pain can recommend plenty of candidates deserving of death like sex offenders, elder abusers, murderers and so on… I have felt robbed, unimportant, disregarded, and hurt. Why my Daddy, Why my home, Why not 55 years of Marriage, WHY? But then I think of what Daddy is feeling. No pain, No stress, no disappointment, no more goodbyes and FREEDOM from this world into eternity with Jesus Christ. He gets to be the target of God’s love forever!!!! It’s something to envy right? I would not trade his span of life for anything in this world. My father gave my mother and all of us the best he could give. He gave 100% of himself and shared everything with his family. One of the most unselfish men in my lifetime. He was an era. I will forever cherish him. A few years ago I was invited to record a song by Marvin Sapp written by Kirk Franklin that says: How kind of God to think of me To plan each step so patiently To rewrite dreams I thought I’d lost Love on the cross How kind of God How kind of God to bring me pain For there are things in me that pain can change I’m not fond of tears or how much they cost But if the hurt is worth the price for what I lost How kind of God Love on the cross How kind of God How kind of God to think of me To plan my steps so patiently To give me dreams I thought I’d lost Love on the cross, tell How kind of God But if the hurt is worth the price for what I’ve lost Say with me how kind of God How kind of God to think of me Hallelujah To plan my steps so patiently To rewrite dreams To give me dreams I thought I’d lost Love on the cross How kind of You to be A King between two thieves You hung there just for me Love on the cross Cause when You gave Your life You opened up my eyes Cause pain it purifies Love on the cross No greater love for me I’m not what I should be But now I see Love on the cross How kind of God And if the hurt is worth the price for all I’ve lost How kind of God To be considered by God is the opposite of unimportant or forgotten. The more I lean into God to cope with the loss of my father I am reminded more and more how much HE loves me, all of us. This is a season that my father prayed for. He prayed a prayer in my home and as he passed from this life to the next. He prayed that I would feel the love that God has for me and know it/be confident in it to a point of not mistaking it for something else. He prayed that my love would have a target as I learn to live with his absence. Grief = Love without a target My father is with me everywhere I go. My discipline to make him proud is still strong, I am more determine to keep him smiling from Heaven. No wonder this is so hard. My plans, my achievements, my wedding was never without his presence but it was never meant to be currency in exchange for his healing either. You see I made a commitment to God on Sept 4th to live on this side of heaven while he lives on the other side in eternity and so we live…  To anyone who is grieving the loss of a loved one you are not alone. Whether living or deceased, present or absent, sane or mental, just know that nothing about your circumstance is a surprise to God. The more you lean into him the more you will learn God’s character and HIS intent for your life and those you grieve. Their victory may not be your version of victory but nonetheless VICTORY. And if you had to choose suffering or Victory for those you love I’m sure you would choose VICTORY. God will not put anymore on you than you can bare. Seek help, therapy, counseling to make sense of it all… trust me I’m right here with you and it’s helping me cope with recent and past loss. One day at a time and some days one moment at a time…. Your Grace, Your Pace
