Terrifying Space Monkey

There's too much going on in the engine room.

[terrifyingspacemonkey-blog]

Nice Stuff

My secretary told me that a contract attorney saw me and exclaimed, "She's beautiful!" He's delusional, of course, but it's nice to pretend for a minute that he meant it.

[terrifyingspacemonkey-blog]

Choose To Be Happy

My therapist told me that I need to choose to be happy and to let go of negative attitudes. She then paused to let it sink in, then leaned forward and gently said "I know I'm pushing you hard on this and it's making you uncomfortable, but you need to hear this. You CAN choose to be happy and positive."

Lady, I wasn't staring at you because you blew my mind. I was trying to think of a nice way to say "Thanks for the platitudes. Got any more gems for me, like 'true beauty comes from within' and 'all you need is love'?"

Needless to say, that was our last session.

[terrifyingspacemonkey-blog]

Come on New York, get it together.

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I should be relaxing...

I have a great new job lined up. My visa issues are no longer issues. I'm about to go on vacation. I should be the most relaxed person in the world. But no, I’m sitting up at 1:30 a.m., WIDE awake, just waiting for something to go wrong. Oh me.

[terrifyingspacemonkey-blog]

Zachary Levi is married

Another celebrity crush dead. In search of another hot nerd.

Yes, I am sick of men and dating and all that, and would rather watch an episode of Real Housewives than go on another blind date. (Actually, I need to think about that. Both sound equally painful.) But occasionally I recall a line from Coupling that generally goes something like: “It’s not that I’m bitter, it’s just … all these men, marrying other women. How can we not take that personally?”

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This is how I'm planning on leaving my last day of work

With that exact contemptuous lip curl.

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Jenga Night

I like to take first dates out to a board game bar. Playing games helps fills up those awkward silences, of which there are many. But more importantly, nobody sees Jenga as foreplay of any kind, which means there are usually no awkward good-bye moments afterwards where the guy’s like “sooo your apartment’s nearby?” YOU AIN’T SEEING MY APARTMENT BRO

Last night’s date was fine. Apparently he liked me, based on the text he sent to our mutual friend (who immediately forwarded it to me — I love girls). Conversation was interesting enough, a bit of pseudointellectual nonsense, but hey. I hang around lawyers all day every day so I have a high tolerance for obnoxious.

But in the end, he did nothing for me. So now I have to figure out what to do with him. How does one say “let’s just be friends” without being called a bitch?

[benedoodle-cumberpoodle]

La Douleur Exquise (n.) the heart-wrenching pain of wanting the affection of someone unattainable.

[05637-deactivated20190328]

[acceptanceineveryshade]

only in Canada would you find ads about homosexual rape on a bus.

Catch the fuck up America

[tragicdong]

They dont have this in America?

[clockworkcuttlefish]

We don’t even have ads against heterosexual rape in America who are you kidding.

[terrifyingspacemonkey-blog]

LOVE IT. Love everything about it.

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This is How I Should Have Gone to Work Today

[lolmythesis]

People like funny people more than not funny people.

English, Iona College

News with a Twist: Satire in Saturday Night Live, The Daily Show, and The Onion

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This explains a lot

[heckyeahreactiongifs]

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↑ Me on Tumblr

I can't look through the feed because everyone is talking about the new Sherlock episode I haven't seen. Unnnngghhhhh

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WHY DOCTOR WHY

I'm a little late to the Doctor Who game, but this weekend I watched the episode where Doctor Who and Rose say goodbye ... and I sobbed for two hours, then went to bed and wept for another hour.

Sure, there were also some emotions over some personal stuff mixed up in there too. But I'm pretty sure it was mostly Doctor Who.

[terrifyingspacemonkey-blog]

Annoying Sheldon "Logic"

Howard: "Guess who's going up to the International Space Station?"

Sheldon: "Muhammad Lee."

Howard: "Why Muhammad Lee?"

Sheldon: "Muhammad is the most common first name, Lee is the most common last name. As I didn't know who it was, I thought this gave me a mathematical edge."

NO no no. Given the (presumably) small number of people with both a traditionally Muslim first name AND a traditionally Asian last name, guessing "Muhammad Lee" gives you a mathematical edge in guessing either the first or last name, but the two combined does not. Dammit Sheldon, I love your show but must you ruin it with these logicfails? 

[terrifyingspacemonkey-blog]

No.

I've never tried the sub-dom thing, but ultimately I think I'm too lazy to be a dom. It sounds like a lot of work.

[whatshouldwecallme]

Whenever someone asks me about my plans for the future

[terrifyingspacemonkey-blog]

I oscillate between pure terror and confusion. What future? There is only now, and now is lawyerly misery.

[terrifyingspacemonkey-blog]

Every Time I Remember That I'm a Lawyer

OH MY GOD HOW DID THIS HAPPEN