Lose Control to Gain Control
LOSE CONTROL TO GAIN CONTROL |
Feeling out of control is a common performance blocker. It’s what happens when life is “doing you” rather then you “doing life”. It’s when everything thing seems to move in every direction and with no control and you’re the frustrated bystander that seems to fail at every attempt to make it stop.
Have you ever felt this way?
If you are the kind of person that is actually in tune with reality and notice when things aren’t performing well in your life (relationships, work, home, etc), then you’re not alone in feeling that way. The solution to that frustration is to let…go…of…your…control.
#1| Acting Too Much in the Moment
You’ve heard the phrase, “Be here now.” It was not intended to be taken literally. Quite honestly, do you really want to be where you are now? If you feel like you are going through the fire, don’t stop and pitch a tent. Yes, it can be comfortable and make you seem in control to focus on every single issue in the now. It can even make you feel like you are being a responsible adult. However, when you focus on controlling too much of what is going on in the present—more so distractions that keep you from ever escaping—you will remain in your tent singing kumbaya and forever will be putting out fires. Some things you just need to surrender (lose control) and move on to doing things that will get you to a better place (gain control).
#2| Acting Too Much in the Future
Wait. What? But Tes, you just said to stop living in the moment? Actually, no. Reread that previous paragraph. Now, acting too much in the future can make you feel out of control because even though you are crushing your action steps towards your vision, you feel like everything else going on in your present life is an inconvenience or that you are a total failure at those other things. Well, they are not, and you are not. In fact, if you slowed down and stopped to acknowledge the other things going on in your life—like your family, friends, community, and other blessings in life—you will learn to appreciate their value and your awesome human brain will help you figure out a way to fit in quality time for those things too, if you try. You gain control when you lose control of ignoring real parts of your life. When you do, those inconvenient things will become malnourished important things, and then with effort, healthy treasures that bring a source of great joy and restoration. Your sense of failure will be replaced with the redeeming truth of who you really are. All around awesome. That’s you!
#3| Preserving Your Clique from Entrants or an Exodus
Good friends are hard to come by. As are good business buddies. However, you can’t be friends with everyone, and you can’t do business with everyone. Keep this logic.
If you are feeling out of control or torn within your circle, your circle may have changed from a fluid circle into the death trap of a clique. You either have one level of friendship or no fluidity between the levels. In order to get control back in this area, do two things.
1) Keep up the good work of keeping unhealthy people out BUT release your grip and let good people leave. Wait….what?!! Yes, let people leave or retreat to another level. Relationships are hard work, and some come in seasons. Enjoy the season. Metaphorically speaking, don’t try to share a popsicle in the freeze of winter. Wait until summer.
2) Let good people in. They may not be at the level of being in your inner circle, but they may be a good candidate for your outer circle. If you try too hard to preserve the cohesion in your circle, you may find that you are distancing yourself from and not allowing in some really awesome people because of what others may think. Perhaps a little disruption can do good and clean up your circle.
It is always good to strive for perfection, however, sometimes it can cause failure to launch. And we all know what it’s like to be working so hard towards something and it just seems like the end is never in sight. It can be quite intimidating and make you feel as though you are running circles around yourself. That launch date, book release, or dinner party just seems to be pushed out another week or months.
Most cases, good is good enough. If you choose to lose control of perfection, you in turn gain control of progress. So the next time you feel as though you just can’t begin something until something else is complete, ask yourself this question. Is what I have now enough to at least offer something that is coming from a place of truth and/or imperfectly satisfies the goal?
When things are going our way, serving us, or affirming our confidence, we default to feeling comfortable. But what happens when your boss is sick and asks that you facilitate the focus group meeting. Or what if your friend or loved one surprises you with a fancy surprise party and you’re wearing sweats and messy hair or an unshaved face. What if you ventured to an event by yourself and felt like all eyes were on you because you were the only one there in your ethnicity? What can you think of that makes you feel uncomfortable?
Discomfort can feel like lack of control because what we actually feel is a change in emotion that you didn’t ask for, want, or really struggle with how to change it to back to a more comfortable feeling. The quickest way to gain control here is to realize that most opportunity and growth births in places of discomfort. It’s when you focus on the opportunity that presents itself or what matters most that you gain control back.
Did you know that there is a difference between being proud of your work and abilities and being prideful? Here are the differences!
Being proud of your work is a good thing. It means that you are satisfied with and feel a sense of accomplishment of what you have done. If you put the work in, you should feel proud. Did you do your best? Yes. Then be proud of that. As with anything in life, if used the wrong way, it can make you feel pretty bad. Being proud can turn into being prideful when the measure of your accomplishment is based on its comparison to other people. Comparing yourself from an unloving space can cause you to feel two ways: 1) that everyone is always competing with you (when it’s actually you) and 2) that you are superior to others and therefore exempt from help or improvement.
Lose control of how you compare to others to gain control of your self-value and confidence. Good pride comes from within and will always show you the next best step and will also make you receptive to being loved by other people in the form of help, assistance, and constructive feedback.
#7| Being the Solution for Everybody’s Issues
Who doesn’t want to go down in history as the hero or heroine? We all do. However, real heroes know that they can’t save everyone. Batman cannot save a crashing airplane the way Superman can. And Superman can only carry one spiraling plane at a time.
What makes you assume you can or should? The greatest commission we have in life is to love and serve others. However, if you are feeling out of control and burdened in this area it’s because helping others became your responsibility. Get control back by doing these two things.
1) Realize that everyone has issues and you can’t help everyone. You are only one person and need to keep enough in your emotional reservoir to manage your own life challenges in a healthy way. Identify your superpower and use it wisely.
2) Sometimes the best help you can offer others is to stop being their solution and start being their support. Not financial support. Not their source of happiness kind of support. But rather, I’m here to listen…sometimes…not 5 times a day…nor 5 times a week. Just when you really…really need me. Most cases they figure it out and become stronger in the end.
#8| Satisfying Other’s Opinions
The only person you can control is yourself. If you feel out of control, it because you are trying to control what someone else thinks. Listen, you can’t please everyone.
The best way to get some control in this area is for you take back the control and power that you gave other people when you made their opinions the decision maker in your life. As long as you are coming from a heart space of love and moral value, always do what you believe is right and grant others the same grace.
Everybody wants to be the go-to person or be seen as dependable. To be looked to when things get tough or a hand is needed. This person is very agreeable, always up for the task, and says yes with a smile. Perhaps you’re that person everyone hates to hate because you’re always on top of your game and beating everybody at theirs. Wonderful! But beware. Having too much of a can-do attitude can cause great overwhelm and feeling like you are juggling too many balls up in the air and one of them is going to go crashing down.
There are three ways to get control here 1) Eliminate what you can release 2) Delegate what you can 3) Prioritize the rest. And if you really want to be in control, and easy way to gain control in a friendly way is so say no sometimes by saying, I wish I could right now but it’s not a good time. Or I’m sorry but I can’t. Or perhaps another time.
#10| Preserving Old Habits
You always brush your teeth before you get in the shower, hang your keys, plug your phone in at night, do groceries on the weekend, call your loved one on this day or at this hour, park in that row, sit in that seat, shake your leg when anxious, bite your lip when thinking, go to sleep at this hour, eat before this hour, work only these days, and put music on after starting the car. Not all are so bad on the surface.
Habits are what give us structure to our life. They create a framework and sense of order and, you guessed it, control. But what happens when these habits are infringed upon? Do you pass up on a lifechanging opportunity because it will require you to wake up three hours earlier? Or eat dinner after 8pm? Do you miss out on a conference, recital, or lunch because it would ruin your weekend errand routine or conflicts with your beauty appointment or television program? Do you miss out on peace and divine download because you are always filling your mind and ear gate with noise?
Lose control of the “always” to experience the “every so often” or “once in a lifetime.” The control you gain is identifying the gift in those experiences and choosing to act on that.
Are you feeling more in control now? Yes, you should! Keep that feeling and never forget that in any given moment, the real control is not being rigid but rather how you respond moment to moment.
