Age gaps are a weird thing in fiction. On the one hand, they do occur in real life, and are not always a bad thing.
For example, there is an 8 year gap between my husband and I. We met/started dating when I was 20 and he was 28, which, honestly, I was a young, dumb kid. But he was very respectful and let me set the pace for our relationship. (I spent months trying to hint that I wanted him to ask me out before I just gave up and asked him)
The older we get, the less the age difference matters. I know I didn’t think it mattered when we first started dating, but in hindsight I can see that our priorities weren’t the same. I was still going to school and didn’t fully know what I wanted to do with my life, he was already working in his field and settled. There was a world of difference in our experiences, which definitely coloured how we each envisioned the future.
Now, I 110% love my husband, and he is amazing, but sometimes I just have to stop and thank the universe that he wasn’t a scumbag because I sure as heck wouldn’t have realized it until it was too late. Which, anecdotally, is what happens 9 times out of 10.
And fiction has a really bad history of romanticizing unhealthy relationships. Not just in regards to age gaps, but we’re only going to focus on that for the moment.
When we can have immortal or semi-immortal characters that look like they’re in their 20s, a gap of 4 years between mortals doesn’t seem that big, y'know? But that doesn’t automatically make it okay.
Look at it this way. Instead of between a 17 and 21 yo, think about what if it were a 13 and 17 yo. That’s still a 4 year gap. But just like in the original pairing, there is a world of difference in life experience, maturity, and even physical development! Be honest, if you saw it in the real world, would you think it was okay?
For an age gap to work, either both characters need to be 25+ or you have to make it explicitly clear that it is a) a healthy relationship and b) why the context of the relationship is forgiving of the age gap.
Which can be hard to do. You need to sit down and ask yourself, do both characters (and especially the younger one) know enough about themselves to even know what they need out of life? Are they sure enough to ask for what they need, and not accept abuse? Do they have an equal amount of respect for their partner as their partner has for them? Do they fully understand what it means to be in a relationship with someone who is such a different age? Are they honestly prepared to face any challenges that might arise due to the differences in ages?
And every teenager I have ever met thinks they can answer yes to all of those questions, but they are literally not old/mature enough to realize their answers should be no.
Which is why it bugs me so much when full grown, supposedly sensible adults write YA fiction where a 16 or 17 yo falls in love with a 20+ yo. I get teens fantasizing about such things. They’re anxious to be adults, and dating someone older feels like a way of showing the world that they are adults despite their age. But as adults, we can see how unhealthy a relationship it would be. Adult YA writers should be held accountable for the types of relationships they present to their readers.
And regardless of whether you, yourself, are a teen or not, if you want to write healthy relationships, maybe skip the age gaps involving teen characters?
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