Texts From Safety Patrol

[textsfromsafetypatrol]

screw it i am now doing incorrect quotes

[textsfromsafetypatrol]

O'Farrell: Houston, we have a problem.

Fillmore: Where are you?

O'Farrell: Houston. That’s the problem. I don’t know how I got here.

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Vallejo: Only in my patrol do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though. The fight, not the board game.

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Fillmore to practically every antagonist in the show: Cool motive, still against the rules.

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Fillmore: Hang on, what will I do once I establish contact with my fellow patrollers?

Wayne: You'll discuss the monumental world-historical task that lies before you. You'll engage in rigorous and spirited debates about rule creation and practice. But mostly you'll probably complain about other patrollers.

Fillmore: Isn't that last part kind of counterproductive?

Wayne: Not at all. Complaining about other patrollers is one of the most important parts of being a safety patroller.

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Thrift: Notice to all my henchmen; it's NOT a secret base if you KEEP TELLING PEOPLE WHERE IT IS.

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Raycliff: “The body of Claudia Rose, age 40-“

Principal Folsom: Oh, she was so young. How sad is it that I said 40 was so young? Go on.

Raycliff: “-was found March 16th by her husband, who called for an ambulance when she was found unresponsive in her bathtub.”

Principal Folsom: Ew! Not the bathtub. Ugh, why couldn’t it be the laundry room? I already hate it in there.

Raycliff: “She is survived by her husband, Henry, and sister Sylvia Hammond. The county coroner will conduct a full autopsy and-“ Oh, my god!

Principal Folsom: What? What?

Raycliff: They put an ‘s in ‘paramedics’! That’s not possessive, that’s plural! Who was proofing the Herald back then?

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Vallejo: I think I just figured something out. I got to go.

Frank: Aren't you forgetting something?

Vallejo: Uh...*hesitantly kisses Frank's forehead before running out.*

Frank: No, pay your bill! Damn, who raised you?

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Vallejo: I’m fine. Yeah. Aside from the not sleeping, the jumpiness, and the constant, overwhelming, crushing fear that something terrible is about to happen.

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Anza: Am I the only person on the patrol who’s straight?

Fillmore: I’ve seen the way you look at me. You’re not that straight.

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Ingrid: When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is, having a look around the room and saying 'Haven't decided yet' is typically a good response.

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Fillmore: Ingrid, hack into their cameras.

Ingrid: Sure, let me just open my “every camera in X” app.

Fillmore: ...

Ingrid: I’m sorry if that sounded like sarcasm, it wasn’t. I'm in.

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Vallejo to Fillmore and Ingrid: What were you two thinking?!

Fillmore: Honestly, we didn’t think you‘d be here for another hour.

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Tehama: Well, I have exciting news. I found the perfect guy to set you up with.

Ingrid: After zero consideration, I'm happy to say, 'hard pass.'

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Ingrid: Hey, when I come over to your place, can we just cry for an hour?

Fillmore: Yeah, obviously

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Vallejo: Why are you always trying to get yourself killed?

Fillmore: It’s my mission.

Vallejo: It's a possible risk of your mission. At least for most patrollers. For you, it seems to be the purpose.

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Fillmore: I’m gonna take anything said by a law enforcement agency with a grain of salt.

Wayne: Well technically now you’re part of a law enforcement agency, so... think about that.

Fillmore: ...Oh shit. I’m... but I don’t...

Wayne, snickering: Oh my god, are you having an epiphany right now?

Fillmore: Am... am I law enforcement? Am I a cop?!

Wayne, laughing: Well-

Fillmore: I don’t wanna be a cop! This is all bullshit!